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Author Topic: Typical Male Arrogance  (Read 5459 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

EKnight

  • Guest
Typical Male Arrogance
« on: November 02, 2008, 11:55:58 PM »

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every
woman needs something to protect herself with, right??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three
second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

When will they ever learn???

Eileen
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aqrinc

  • Guest
Re: Typical Male Arrogance
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2008, 02:05:45 AM »

Eileen,

That is the most painful, funniest story i have seen in a long time. I hope the poor  :o guy finds his missing nuts and bolt.
What a total idiot, this one need a Complete idiots guide on how to Taser yourself for one full second only.  ;D

george.
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Heidi

  • Guest
Re: Typical Male Arrogance
« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2008, 06:21:53 AM »

 ;D Eileen.....thank you for making my day.....that is the funniest joke that I have read in a very long time, so funny, I am still laughing  ;D ;D ;D

"Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three
second burst would be considered conservative?"
  Woman have long since known that men do not have any common sense......he-he-he-he :D
« Last Edit: November 03, 2008, 06:24:16 AM by Heidi »
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cherokee

  • Guest
Re: Typical Male Arrogance
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2008, 09:12:36 AM »

Thanks Eileen for starting my week off with a good laugh. ;D


Suzie
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iris

  • Guest
Re: Typical Male Arrogance
« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2008, 10:57:52 AM »

Eileen, thanks for the laugh, it made my day.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


Iris
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Samson

  • Guest
Re: Typical Male Arrogance
« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2008, 03:04:13 PM »

Hello Ladies,


                  No Male Arrogance residing in this Household, ;), only a Young Guy with
                  much Vanity and many many Mirrors,  ;D

                                Before I get Hammmered, I'm outta here.

                                        Kind Regards, Samson & Solomon.
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frecklegirl417

  • Guest
Re: Typical Male Arrogance
« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2008, 03:34:34 PM »

 ;D ;D ;D ;D Thanks for the laugh ladies!!!

     I have heard and seen  alot of male ignorance but i think that man takes the whole cake!! I work at a mental hospital so I see alot of things and believe me, there is alot of ignorance on both sides of the fence.

     Hopefully that man found all his lost marbles.... if any really had any left to find.  ::) ;D


                                            Thanks for all the laughs, Pam

P.s. Samson, get away from that mirror its my turn!!!
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Longhorn

  • Guest
Re: Typical Male Arrogance
« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2008, 03:57:15 PM »

Frecklegirl,  Is the MH you work at located off Interstate 940 at the 19807 mile marker just past Old man Millers gin still with Glovers feed mill on the right?  I stayed there about 3 months one week and they made me leave.   Said I was too ignorant and arrogant.  P.s. Guy's, if Old lady Nurse Walker comes in and say's it's time for a sponge bath.  Run like heck.

Love in Christ

Longhorn
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Ninny

  • Guest
Re: Typical Male Arrogance
« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2008, 05:41:43 PM »

Where is Beloved? Do they make a book for that? Do they really have idiots who are that severely STUPID? Ha! Funny funny!
Kathy :)
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Matt

  • Guest
Re: Typical Male Arrogance
« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2008, 07:59:08 PM »

"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward."
-- Vernon Law  ;D
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cjwood

  • Bible-Truths Forum Member
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2095
Re: Typical Male Arrogance
« Reply #10 on: November 05, 2008, 03:59:06 AM »

eileen,
i had to stop reading the article for a bit to catch my breath and dry my eyes i was laughing so hard. if only gracie could talk. that has to be the absolute most funniest thing i have read in many years. all i can say is thank you for posting it. laughter is so awesome. God knew it would make us feel better.

claudia
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