A Friend Sent Me This.....

[hillsbororiver]

                                          

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.  A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,  'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.  Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.

(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)

Then you have to drink the whole jug.

This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'  This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:

Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.  The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.  I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.  Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.  Andy had me roll over on my left side,and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.  There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.  'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.  Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.  I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

[Falconn003]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHH        Done did it and got it over with ...... now to wait for another 10 years   

How ever i still get that bill for a missing thermometer 


Rodger

[hillsbororiver]

How ever i still get that bill for a missing thermometer 

Rodger

Hey Rodger,

Just tell 'em they can retrieve the thermometer in 10 years.....

Joe

[musicman]

I just can't do it!!  I mean, that's terrible.  The nurses name was Eddie?  That. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .doesn't. . . . .... . . . .. .. .ah. . . . . .. . . .. . . . .




sound like a chick's name.




With my luck, my nurse will end up loosing a superbowl ring up my. . . . . . . . .uuuumm. . . . . . . . .you know.

[cjwood]

oh joe,
i laughed so hard i broke out in a sweat. i had a colonoscopy earlier this year and i agree with everything in dave berry's journal. just never thought of writing my own experience down. i do remember however that after finishing the last of my prep recipe (mixed it with gatorade) my sister called me on my cell phone. not quite sure why i had my cell phone close to my while i was on the toilet (perhaps to call 911), BUT (butt) when my sister asked me how i was doing i told her "well i thought i was just peeing, but noticed yea i was peeing alright, FROM MY BUM! and, it wasn't pee. need i say more. ok i won't say anymore. all i know is that i can no longer look at a bottle of gatorade anymore. gee, i never thought i would tell my spiritual brothers and sisters that story! but i couldn't resist.

claudia

[hillsbororiver]

Hi Claudia,

As undignified and even humiliating as this procedure (even the prep) is at one time the patient was awake through the entire process. The following is something I remembered from a while back, it is supposedly from a Doctor who heard these comments from his patients during a colonoscopy. Whether it is true or not I do not know, but there are some humorous lines here;

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"



Joe

[iris]

 


Iris

[Vangie]

Too funny!! 

Longhorn should be chiming in soon huh?  This conversation just dances all around one of his all time favorite words.....(drum roll and cymbal clash)

Who's gonna say it first?

[OBrenda]

Haven't been there...
Don't know what sounds worse the night before, or the proceedure....

Good sense of humor!
Brenda

[Amrhrasach]

Joe, I hold you and Dave Barry directly responsible for the coffee that I just spit all over my computer keyboard and screen.  What a mess.

And now, I have to get my cat off the ceiling from the howling laughter I made from WAY DOWN DEEP.  Seriously, her tail is blown up like a skunk about to spray.  She looks like something out of a Bugs cartoon.

ROFL, X infinity.

What an absolute howl.

I have always loved Dave's humor.  He must be a real trip to be around in person.

So Rodger, did they playing "dancing queen" for you?

A.

[Vangie]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwrlANV78ls

There's a whole new kind of uncomfortable.  Is that Craig playing the guitar??? 

[Heidi]

........priceless joke.....I am still laughing, the kids wanted to know if I was ok I was laughing that hard. 

[hillsbororiver]

Joe, I hold you and Dave Barry directly responsible for the coffee that I just spit all over my computer keyboard and screen.  What a mess.

And now, I have to get my cat off the ceiling from the howling laughter I made from WAY DOWN DEEP.  Seriously, her tail is blown up like a skunk about to spray.  She looks like something out of a Bugs cartoon.

ROFL, X infinity.

What an absolute howl.

I have always loved Dave's humor.  He must be a real trip to be around in person.

So Rodger, did they playing "dancing queen" for you?

A.

Hi Amrhrasach,

Glad you got a laugh and sorry about your cat.... 

I agree that Dave Barry must be a trip to be around as his take on things are off the wall but with that hint of truth that makes for the best humor.

Here is a link to many of his columns for anyone interested in reading more of his stuff;

http://www.miamiherald.com/dave_barry/

Heidi were your kids giving you a look like this? 

Peace,

Joe

[Vangie]

Joe,
I enjoyed this story and the link you posted to his other columns.  I wasn't familiar with Dave Barry at all--thanks for sharing.  My husband enjoyed it too! 

A,
The "Dancing Queen" reference is just so funny--I start giggling like an idiot just thinking about that song. 

Vangie