Ahoy Earthlings,, Just completed one of the most dangerous, hair standing on the back of your neck, frightening space walks-floats in the history of space travel. As some of yall might of heard by now,( thanks to all them liberal media jerks who love nothing better than too see this mission fail), me and my space walk-float partner astronaut Sandra Magnus, encountered a few problems up there in the wild blue yonder last night.
Fist of all, I learned me a valuable lesson, Don't ever eat red beans and chilli, some of them jalapina pepper cheese flavored doritoes, milk duds, and a luke warm glass of Tang, and a stale hunny-bun before you attempt to go on one of them space walks-floats.
I reckon we were about 20 minutes into our secret mission, when Old Longhorns stomach began to gurgleing, rummbling, twisting from side to side, front to back, and right away we had at the very least an emergecy on our hands, and maybe a National security issue. I was sure the build-up of gas pressure was going to blow a hole a size of siler dollars through my space walking-floating boats, and there was greater than 0 chance my kneecaps could be dislocated.
Anyhows, I had no choice but to relieve my internal pressure chamber. My first(and probably only) thought was.... heck Im in dang outer space, a trillion miles from civilization, if ever it was a good time to fart, this was it. Well, for the next 39 seconds it sounded like 30 to 40 foghorns were going off. The relief I felt is undescribable.
Just as I was about to continue my duties of holding the flashlight for MS(that means Mission Specialist for you lay persons), S. Magnus, myself...and her also noticed my space suit was starting to expand at an alarming rate...(I forgot these goofy space walking-floating suits were air tight). Within all of 2 minutes Old Longhorn began to take on the look of a cross between the Good Year blimp, and the Stay-puff marshmellow man.
Being the smarter of the two, Astronaut Magnus motions for me not to panic. Within secons she's pulls out her blackberry-cell phone thingamajiggy, and manuvours the shuttle space arm to grab hold of my leg. Then with the skill of 3 brain doctors, she's eases my over close enouph wher she can use her swiss army knife to poke 3 precise holes in my space walking-floating suit.
Dang good thing that robotic space arm had a firm grasp of my leg, cause if not for that, when all that gas was released, Im pretty sure I would have blasted off like a chinese bottle rocket. After we were saftley on board, we looked out the window and noticed a strange fog like cloud headed back towards earth. My first thought(probably my only one) was oh my gosh, what have I done.........Anyways, if this humane made gas bomb I created should happen to penetrate the earths atmosphere, please bring in all your children, small pets, call your loved ones and warn them..then go get you a paper bag and try to take as many small breaths as you can.
Get back to yall after space walk-float no.3....... Keep studying Ray's LOF series and May God Bless all of us.
Longhorn
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Topic: I wont be able to post for the next 12 hours (Read 24021 times)