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Author Topic: leaving this life  (Read 3854 times)

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jennie

  • Guest
leaving this life
« on: December 09, 2008, 10:30:16 AM »

I have a question for anyone who may have better info. than I do. I am having to fill out the living will with someone I love. Is it wrong to do this? And what is the way to take your leave? I get mixed up on this. When my mother was beaten and they took her to hospital, they said it was standard procedure to put her on life support without my signed consent. I saw her for a few minutes when she first got to the hospital and she was talking to me and giving me her final orders and requests. The funny thing is ..it happened on Tuesday and we had talked the previous Sunday about what each of our wishes were for the end of our lives. They transferred her by air to a bigger hospital and they put her on life support. I had to sign the papers for her to be removed after about 16 hours. I begged God to do a miracle and make her okay but it didn't happen. It took something out of me that I don't know if I will ever get back. I felt like I killed her and it breaks my heart even now.
On the flip side of her death, my Granny spent her last months in the house she and my Pa lived in together on their farm. Granny just slowly started shutting down and finally closed her eyes for the last time and exhaled while me and my brother each held one of her hands. Just real peaceful.
To me that is best but I don't know. Has anyone had to make decisions like this and if you can help me figure it out... please feel free. You won't offend or hurt my feelings. I just need advising on this. Love and thanks, Jennie
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hillsbororiver

  • Guest
Re: leaving this life
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2008, 11:17:44 AM »

Hi Jennie,

I was very fortunate in regard to my own Mother's death (I know this sounds strange) and how everything was worked out by her before she made that final trip to the hospital. Shortly after she was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer and got over the initial shock of this report she got busy with a very detailed living will which forbade any life support. It was a remarkable thing as she had cemetary preparions made, how she wanted her funeral expedited (family only, no clergy and for me to do the eulogy) and even some money set aside for the family to go out for food and drinks after the funeral, one last party on Mom!

My wife's Mother was a totally different story, it was only a few months after my Mom passed that my mother in law's health deteriorated, she made no arrangements, refused to accept reality and when the decision to have the plug pulled was left up to my wife and her brother and sister the anxiety and guilt was overwhelming for them. It was unneccessary to feel any guilt, her time had come, even if she had survived a few days or weeks on life support what kind of life is that? It might postpone the grim reality a short time for the survivors but there was really no hope of ever leading the kind of life that would have satisfied an independant, industrious person who eschewed pity and helplessness.

To make a long story shorter the bottom line is once the lessons were learned by all involved each of us now has a living will to take the pressure off of those who we leave behind, a living will is a real gift to those who must pick up the pieces, it removes any feelings of guilt or thoughts of "I could have done more, I could have done better."

His Peace to you Jennie,

Joe
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Ninny

  • Guest
Re: leaving this life
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2008, 11:37:45 AM »

Hi Jennie,
So sorry about what you've had to go through. I am always so sad when anyone has to make a decision like that. My neighbor several years ago had a stroke, she was 82 or 83 at the time. Her poor old husband didn't know what to do, they wanted to put a feeding tube because she was unable to swallow. Her mind was pretty clear, but she had lost some of her muscle control.

Her husband said "she wouldn't want to live like that."  I told him without the feeding tube she would starve to death which would be a very painful way to die. So he made the decision to go ahead with the tube. She lived about 3 years after that in a nursing home. He visited her every day and so did I. For most of that time she was lucid and communicative, but I think she finally died of pneumonia or something. It was hard on him for her to be like that he always thought he shouldn't have agreed to the feeding tube. They had no children and not much family either. He was lonely and depressed and about a year after she died he had a heart attack and died. He was about 88 by then. I wouldn't have encouraged him to put her on a respirator or anything like that if she had been in a coma, but she was in no immediate danger of dying and without the feeding tube to me it would have been cruel to deny her nourishment. Right or wrong, I don't know.

It is not easy to decide what to do, I don't think we can beat ourselves up for things we could have done, God has all in his control and we are just to rest in that what we do is what God ordains. When my dad died it was like your Granny he had cancer, but we sat with him and sang to him and he died very quietly. Thankfully we didn't have to make that decision for either of my parents. We always have to abide with what the person wants. If they choose not to go on life support that is really their decision. We never want a loved one to leave us, but we don't want to prolong anyone's pain.
Love you,
Kathy
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jennie

  • Guest
Re: leaving this life
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2008, 12:34:09 PM »

Mama was beaten by an evil man. She was so bruised and broken when I got to the hospital. The other tragic thing was that he was never tried for his crime. They said that because he was drunk, he was not capable of reason and that because he had been an alcoholic for so long he was insane! People told me that God would take of things ... not to get my "hands dirty" by fixing it myself and sure enough he died alone 2 years later. God forgive me but I am glad he is not on this earth anymore. It was continual torment.
When my Granny died she went out on her favorite song, " Amazing Grace". My daughter sang it at the funeral for Granny and my husband spoke the words over her. She was amazing.. crippled all my life with rheumatoid arthritis, so painful, but she didn't complain and kept the faith... I miss them.
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