There have also been some very profound changes in my life since the Lord began to drag me closer to Him. Until a few months ago I thought this change began just after I "stumbled" upon Bible Truths, in retrospect the change actually began a few years previous to that unforgettable night.
I have had many ups and downs, many setbacks (most of them self inflicted) and some incredibly fortunate ones as well, through all the times of poverty (not only financial) to self sufficiency to prosperity and back to poverty and through the cycle again and again I had this sense of optimism, that things were going to work themselves out no matter what situation I found myself in. Looking back I see that this optimism was actually at the root of many reckless decisions and the cause of much boorish behavior on my part, I might say or do just about anything and expect to be able to come out of it unscathed, others would notice this as well, a woman years ago once remarked "Joe, you could fall in a tub of **** (dung) and come out clean as a whistle, smelling like a rose. I believed it.
About 5 or 6 years ago this optimism started to recede, I was (and still am) in a very good marriage, our daughter had graduated from college (since then obtained her Masters Degree and beyond) I had (and have) a very good job, earning a decent living with the freedom to come and go as I please (as long as the Department I manage meets it's goals). I had every reason to be content and comfortable but I was uneasy, unsettled, something was definitely missing, there was a void in me you could drive a truck through.
My solution or diagnosis was that I needed to do something big, something that would outlast me, leave a physical, tangible monument that my daughter and eventual grandchildren could inherit and live in long after I was gone, I was going to build a beautiful house.
We found the perfect property right on the river, close to everything but surrounded by woods, a park and only one neighbor bordering our property. I got busy on it and the feeling of dread only got worse.
I would have knots in my stomach from the time I woke up in the morning and it got to the point I was self medicating just to be able to get through the day. There was absolutely no reason for me to be feeling this way, the construction was going smoothly, no real disasters at home or at work but I was feeling lower and lower. I convinced myself it was just the stress of building (conveniently forgetting this feeling began before we even bought the property) and it would pass once it was completed.
It didn't.
The dread and despair that had no name or no cause (that I could see at the time) and no reason became part of my existence, I could hide it behind a mask of joyfulness, but I also would explode in anger over some very minor things, my foundation was non existent, in winter I would look look forward to spring, spring to summer, etc. It was too painful living in the present but I had no clue as to why.
We went through a pretty active hurricane season in Florida during '04 and it was expected to be just as bad in '05, it was in the news constantly, meteorologists gleefully prophecysing doom and destruction for all, August 2 '05 I was at my wits end, that was the night I stumbled on Bible Truths. I Googled Revelation/Weather looking for some biblical writings on "end times" weather patterns and the first link was Bible Truths, I have never been able to duplicate that result since.
Ever since that night the despair has given way to an optimism I never knew before, far exceeding the carnal optimism I had since my late teens, a wonderful promise of redemption, of obtaining true life has been my driving motivation rather than accumulating "things." I found that I was walking through His Fire without knowing where I was, or where I was headed, tribulation has not ceased but knowing the Source gives a certain comfort now rather than sorrow.
This has translated into how I perceive others, in the past when I would have to interact with people that had rather despicable personality traits I would either go head to head with them or write them off as "losers," sometimes both. Now I see them as walking through life untethered to anything of real sustenance (our Lord) they are freefalling, grasping, lunging at anything and everything, over reacting to situations because there is no measure in their lives.
I now visualize them as people who are reeling from financial setbacks, unable to meet their obligations worrying about staying afloat day to day even as they have the winning lottery ticket in the pocket of an old jacket, but they forgot about it's purchase and it's location. This winning lottery ticket is how the Lord made me feel when He so graciously revealed His plan and purpose for humanity. I don't mean to degrade this gift by comparing it to money, but He Himself compares this journey to seeking "treasure," it is that, but so much more too.
This suffering we experience to me is nothing compared to not knowing Him, believing His promise, appreciating His sacrifice and best of all knowing Him more every day. I don't want to minimize what each of us experience in our trials and tribulations but knowing the reason for this purification process should be a source of joy. We are being formed into Sons and Daughters of the Almighty God!
Praise our Lord and His (and our) Father!
Joe
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Topic: In Retrospect; A Clearer Vison (Read 11738 times)