A Woman's Week at the Gym

[deftarchangel]

Something my sister had sent to me.  A funny account, especially for those who've been through this kind of thing or had a New Year's resolution to get in shape, in that perhaps you can relate to this account of a woman's trial week at a gym.  Forgive the implied expletives, but I'm sure there are many reading this who would perhaps express the same sentiments under the same circumstances.     Enjoy!

Shoot!!!  I just realized this is in the wrong forum.  It should be in the Off Topics Discussion Forum.  Anyways, forgive the mixup!   

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea
to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today.  Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air....then she put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile.  Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile.  I feel GREAT!!!  It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
the other club members.  Her voice is a little too perky for that early
in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that
is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Belinda told me
it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  She said some other
crap too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't
help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny
b**** to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine....which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that b**** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic little cheerleader.  If there was a part of my body
I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing
her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner;
however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended
up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank God that this week is over.  I will also pray that next
year my daughter (the little snot) will choose a gift for me that is
fun....like a root canal or a hysterectomy.  I still say if God had
wanted me to bend over, He would have sprinkled the floor with
diamonds!!!




Rob

[Ninny]

Oh yeah! How RUDE!! I can identify! No gyms for me! I like cuddling up on my couch with a blanket, coffee, and MAYBE a honey bun!
Heeheehee!
Kathy

[Heidi]

  ......really enjoyed the joke....thanks for posting it .....had a great laught.........

[judith collier]

I kinda thought that's what it would be like so I never went and besides I have stairs at home and when I drag my vacuum cleaner up stairs I think that counts for something. My sister and her husband recently retired, got a trainer and started going to the gym, well. a month later they still didn't lose weight probably because they went home and had martinis and laid around.  So funny, Judy

[Patrick]

Oh yeah! How RUDE!! I can identify! No gyms for me! I like cuddling up on my couch with a blanket, coffee, and MAYBE a honey bun!
Heeheehee!
Kathy

MMMMMM, honey buns. 
However, they rank right up there with pizza; I can't eat it if I want to reach my target weight of 175-180.

My sister and her husband recently retired, got a trainer and started going to the gym, well. a month later they still didn't lose weight probably because they went home and had martinis and laid around.  So funny, Judy

In Jan 08', I weighed 230 lbs; in Oct 08', I weighed 220 lbs, I hired a personal trainer. Jan 09', I weigh 194 lbs.
My trainer made me keep a nutritional diary, and I had to bring it to every training session for the 1st month. In the beginning she required 30 minutes of cardio. After the 1st month, she raised the bar so to speak and required me to burn 500 calories before a workout. That is 1 hour of cardio on a stationary bike at level 8, 40 minutes on a treadmill at an incline of 10, or 40 minutes on an arc machine at the lowest level. Then we had a 30 minute workout that burned another 300-400 calories. 

[mharrell08]

Oh yeah! How RUDE!! I can identify! No gyms for me! I like cuddling up on my couch with a blanket, coffee, and MAYBE a honey bun!
Heeheehee!
Kathy

MMMMMM, honey buns. 
However, they rank right up there with pizza; I can't eat it if I want to reach my target weight of 175-180.

My sister and her husband recently retired, got a trainer and started going to the gym, well. a month later they still didn't lose weight probably because they went home and had martinis and laid around.  So funny, Judy

In Jan 08', I weighed 230 lbs; in Oct 08', I weighed 220 lbs, I hired a personal trainer. Jan 09', I weigh 194 lbs.
My trainer made me keep a nutritional diary, and I had to bring it to every training session for the 1st month. In the beginning she required 30 minutes of cardio. After the 1st month, she raised the bar so to speak and required me to burn 500 calories before a workout. That is 1 hour of cardio on a stationary bike at level 8, 40 minutes on a treadmill at an incline of 10, or 40 minutes on an arc machine at the lowest level. Then we had a 30 minute workout that burned another 300-400 calories. 

Great work Patrick! Glory to God 


Marques

[Ninny]

Patrick,
That is great, keep up the good work, I don't really eat honey buns...well USUALLY. Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances don't ya know!
Exercise is good for the body and soul! Getting down to ideal weight is also good for the body and soul!!
Great Job!
Kathy

[iris]

That was funny!!!




Iris

[charrie]

Thank you for that laugh...I can't get enough of the stuff!!!


Charrie

[judith collier]

I just have to tell you how I lost 29 1/2 lbs. in 2 months. My daughter and her family invited me to go to Los Cabo in Mexico for a week. I knew it was going to be glitzy there so I bought a bathing suit 2 sizes too small which cost me $110.00 and I hung it on my bedroom door at night and in the morning I would take it downstairs with me and hang it where I could see it. By the time I went to Mexico with my new shades and dye job I didn't look too bad. I have since gained back 20. I need somewhere else to go. Judy