Great Seinfeld quotes

[mharrell08]

I know we did this before, but I going to buy Season 9 (the last for my collection) this weekend and wondered how long we could keep this up...so here goes (I separated them by color):


Frank: Okay, where's my boy?

George: Oh my God.

Frank: I'm sitting at home, reading a periodical, and this is the call I get? My son is a bootlegger? (He hits George in the head)

George: Ow! Dad...

Frank: Who put you up to this, was it her?

Elaine: All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.

Frank: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.

Elaine: You got that right.

Frank: What the hell does that mean?

Elaine: It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.

Frank: You sayin' you want a piece of me?

Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.

Frank: You wanna piece of me? You got it! (They begin to fight)


Jerry: "He re-gifted, then he de-gifted, and now he's using the upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp!!!!"


George: "Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?"


Frank Costanza (Festivus Dinner): "I've got a lot of problems with you people and now you're going to hear about them! Krueger, my son tells me your company stinks! You couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date-- *pauses* ah, lost my train of thought."


Elaine: "Somehow Jerry, just when I think you are the shallowest man in the world, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool."


Elaine: Alright, let's go. C'mon. I'll give you half an hour.

Jerry: Huh?

Elaine: Jerry! We have to have sex to save the friendship!

Jerry: Sex to save the friendship. Well if we have to we have to!


Kramer (in a sauna with old men): "Man, it feels like a sauna in here."


Steinbrenner: "I'm sorry to have to tell you that you're son has died."

Frank Costanza: "What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for?!? He had 30 homeruns and over 100 RBIs last year!...he's got a rocket for an arm...YOU DON"T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU"RE DOING!!!"


George: Maybe you don't have to be so funny. I mean, would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks I'm very funny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny."


Jerry: "I'm afraid that my dentist, Tim Watley, has converted to Judaism purely for the jokes!"

Priest: "And that offends you as a jewish person?"

Jerry: "No! It offends me as a comedian!


Keep it going...Joe, I'm looking at you 



Marques

[mharrell08]

Here's a few more (they can be from any season):

"I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?"
    "He's somebody."
"What about me?"
    "You're nobody."
"Why him? Why not me?"
    "He's good, you're not."
"I'm better than him."
    "You're worse, much much worse."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Ticket"


"Let me see if I understand this. In other words, you held out for... less money."
    "I was wrong, you were right."
"You know, the basic idea of negotiation, as I understand it, is to get your price to go up."
    "You're smart, I'm dumb."
"You know, this is how they negotiate in the bizarro world."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Watch"


"You're going underwater?"
    "Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done."
"What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special?"
    "What's so special up here?"
    - Helen and Jerry, in "The Pen"


"Ordinarily I wouldn't mind, but..."
    "But what?"
"Well, I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold..."
    "Oh, you mean... Shrinkage."
"Yes. Significant shrinkage."
    "So you feel you were shortchanged."
"Yes. I mean, if she thinks that's me, she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Hamptons"


"She's got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC, I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out. They fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman!"
    "This is your plan?"
"No, no, I'm just thinking."
    "I don't think you are."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Virgin"


Marques

[Linny]

LOVE Seinfeld.
Some of our favorites that we use ourselves...

Elaine:
"Did you just roll your eyes at me? Because it should be ME rolling MY eyes at YOU."

Jerry:
"I think you know my policy."

George:
"I have been handicapped all my life and I am just now getting recognition for it."

Extra:
"Did you just double dip? That's like putting your whole mouth in the dip! Next time, just take a chip, dip, and END IT."

[Ninny]

Lin,
I love the "rolling the eyes" one! I've used it myself!! ha!
Kathy

[gmik]

 

Great.  Thanks for posting.

These used to while away the miles on long trips in the car!!

[Vangie]

I'm dying here!    (That might be one too!)  Such dry, matter of fact, quick humor.  Love it!

The women's bathroom scene is one we ladies can all relate to--so funny!
ELAINE:  uh..excuse me umm.. I'm sorry this is.. this is kind of embarrassing but.. there's no toilet paper over here
JANE:  (played by Jamie Gertz) are you talking to me?
ELAINE:  yeah.. I just forgot to check so if you could just spare me some
JANE:  no I'm sorry
ELAINE:  what?
JANE:  no I'm sorry, I can't spare it
ELAINE:  you can't spare it??
JANE:  no there's not enough to spare
ELAINE:  well I don't need much, just 3 squares will do it
JANE:  I'm sorry I don't have a square to spare, now if you don't mind
ELAINE:  3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares??
JANE:  no I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square
ELAINE:  oh is it two-ply? cause it it's two-ply I'll take one ply, one ply, one, one puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply
JANE:  look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply (flushing and leaving)
ELAINE:  no no, no no, don't don't, I beg you

Then, telling Jerry about it:
ELAINE:  I am in the bathroom, right before the movie starts
JERRY:  uh huh
ELAINE:  I'm in the stall and there's no toilet paper
JERRY:  no what?
ELAINE:  toilet paper
JERRY:  oh.. whoa..
ELAINE:  so I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses! ho ho
JERRY:  well maybe she couldn't spare it
ELAINE:  a square?
JERRY:  well, you know, sometimes a square is everything
ELAINE:  a ply?
JERRY:  Elaine, you cannot judge a person on a situation like that. I mean it's like asking for someone's canteen in the desert

How about some Kramer??

[Amrhrasach]

Jerry: Hello Newman.
Newman: Hello Jerry.



Jerry: You can't just *have* an adultery-- you *commit* adultery. And you
can't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment.
So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about
committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once
you commit, then you can commit the adultery and then you get caught,
get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But y'know
some people actually *cheat* on the people that they're cheating
with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning
to the robber next to you and goin' ``Alright, gimme everything you
have, too''.


The Soup Nazi:

GEORGE: This line is huge.
JERRY: It's like this all the time.
GEORGE: Isn't that that Bania guy?
JERRY: Oh, no. It is. Just be still.
GEORGE: Whoop! Too late. I think he picked up the scent.
BANIA: Hey, Jerry! I didn't know you liked soup.
JERRY: Hard to believe.
BANIA: This guy makes the best soup in the city, Jerry. The best. You know
what they call him? Soup Nazi.
JERRY: Shhhhh! All right, Bania, I - I'm not letting you cut in line.
BANIA: Why not?
JERRY: Because if he catches us, we'll never be able to get soup again.
BANIA: Okay. Okay.
GEORGE: Medium turkey chili.
JERRY: Medium crab bisque.
GEORGE: I didn't get any bread.
JERRY: Just forget it. Let it go.
GEORGE: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.
SOUP NAZI: Bread -- $2 extra.
GEORGE: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
SOUP NAZI: You want bread?
GEORGE: Yes, please.
SOUP NAZI: $3!
GEORGE: What?
SOUP NAZI: No soup for you! [snaps fingers]


The Package:


Jerry opens his package
Jerry : Is this my stereo ?
Kramer walks in
Kramer : Hey you got it .
Jerry : What happened to my stereo ? It's all smashed up .
Kramer : That's right . Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I
insured it for $400 .
Jerry : But you were supposed to get me a refund .
Kramer : You can't get a refund . Your warranty expired two years ago .
Jerry : So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo ?
Kramer : It's just a write off for them .
Jerry : How is it a write off ?
Kramer : They just write it off .
Jerry : Write it off what ?
Kramer : Jerry all these big companies they write off everything
Jerry : You don't even know what a write off is .
Kramer : Do you ?
Jerry : No . I don't .
Kramer : But they do and they are the ones writing it off .
Jerry : I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back .

Jerry and Newman at the Post Office
Newman : All right . Then let me ask you this . Didn't you find it interesting
that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your
stereo . Huh . I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping .
Jerry : Define rarely .
Newman : Frequently .
Jerry : Are we about throw here Newman ?
Newman : It's pretty hot under these lights huh Seinfeld . Pretty ....... Hot

[mharrell08]

Few more  :

"Every time he tries to make a move, something screws up. Like on their first date, they were on the couch, but she was sitting on his wrong side."
    "Wrong side?"
"Yes, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand. Can't go left."
    "He can't go left?"
"No. I'm leftie, can't go right. What about women? Do they go left or right?"
    "No, we just play defense."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Implant"


"Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes."
    "What is that smell?"
"That's East River."
    "You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?"
"Technically, Norfolk has more gross tonnage."
    "How could you swim in that water?"
"I saw a couple other guys out there."
    "Swimming?"
"Well... floating. They weren't moving much, but they were out there."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Nap"


"Beautiful women... Ya know, they get away with murder. You never see one of them lift anything over three pounds. They do whatever they want, whenever they want to, and nobody can stop them."
    "She's like a beautiful Godzilla."
"And I'm thousands of fleeing Japanese!"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Calzone"


"It's not you, it's me.... You're giving me the 'It's not you, it's me' routine? I invented 'It's not you, it's me.' Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me."
    "Alright, George, it's you."
"You're damn right it's me."
    "Look, I was just trying to...."
"I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me."
    "Well I'm sure you do it very well."
"Yes, well, unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out."
    - George and Gwen, breaking up, in "The Lip Reader"


"Hey Elaine, have you noticed your boyfriend has developed an annoying little habit?"
    "The squinting?"
"No."
    "The staring?"
"No. He keeps asking me to give him a high-five."
    "I thought all guys do that."
"Slapping hands is the lowest form of primate ritual."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Dealership"


Marques