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[Akira329]

What does this statement mean??
I have been told this more than once by the same person.
Why do I always focus on the negative??
What does this mean??

Antaiwan

[Vangie]

There's no way to explain it kindly without focusing on the negative.   

[Akira329]

Then please do so!

Antaiwan

[aqrinc]

Antaiwan,

That little phrase is a favourite for people who have no answer in most cases. Positive and negative is based for most people on their perspective in the discussion. It would benefit for purpose of this thread to show a bit of detail on a particular discussion with this person.

Since negative and positive in relations is a subjective thing, when you support my argument, it would be considered positive. When you counter with things i don't want to hear, or make me uncomfortable; then you are negative.

In short: Agree = positive, disagree = negative.

george.

[Kat]

Hi Antaiwan,

It's hard to say exactly what this person means.  If this is related to religion, some people think heaven is a very positive outcome to this life (for those not going to hell anyway) and if you express that you believe nobody goes to heaven, I think that would be considered negative to them.

But if you are in opposition to whatever they are saying, or what they believe or think, they might consider you being negative towards them.  To disprove of something is considered as being negative.  Maybe they like living in a fairy tale world and if you express a truth that interferrs with that, they consider that you are being negative.

Not trying to be negative, just what I think about it  

mercy, peace and love
Kat

[Vangie]

Great responses from George and Kat!  I agree, and Antaiwan, I'm sorry that I tried to make a funny out of a subject that is worrying you.  Please forgive me.

Why don't you give us a specific example of the details of a conversation that you were told this?  I promise to try to be more helpful.

[Akira329]

From the responses and pm's I've received, I definitely need to tell you guys some of the story
Thank you guys for the help and the listening ear.

I'm currently living (temporary) with a friend of mine who has a son.
Her son came home from school and showed me his progress report.
Here are his grades:
Lanugauge Arts: A
Social Studies: A
Sciences: A
Math: F
Reading: F

When he showed me I was floored by the two F's!

When she came home from work, she asked me and I quote, "Did you see the three A's on his progress report"?
I replied, " yes, but he also got two F's"
Her reply, "Antaiwan, Did you see the three A's on his progress report"?
I replied, "yes, but he also got two F's"

She left the room.

Later that evening from out of nowhere she  says this:
"Why do you do that?"
"Why do you always focus on the negative?"
"Can I make a suggestion to you?"

So she then proceeds to tell me how I should have handled the above situation.
She wanted me to praise him for the three A's he received but instead I reminded her that he got two F's whereby I'm focusing on the negative.

Earlier I praised him for the three A's but I explained to him that the two F's are not going to cut it.
I told her this, evidently it wasn't enough.

I feel like this story is irrelevant considering she has told me this on more than one occasion.
Is it wrong of me to point out his failures in school? Its not like I don't want to help solve it.

I wish you guys could see the whole story because I believe its too much to post!!!

I'm reminded of this parable:
Luk 6:37  Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:
Luk 6:38  Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.
Luk 6:39  And he spake a parable unto them, Can the blind lead the blind? shall they not both fall into the ditch?
Luk 6:40  The disciple is not above his master: but every one that is perfect shall be as his master.
Luk 6:41  And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Luk 6:42  Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother's eye.

am I judging him?

It later became an argument on how to raise children, I just told her I was sorry for my comment.

Antaiwan

[Dave in Tenn]

To me, he needs BOTH.  But that's an opinion on raising children and that's not an argument I'm qualified to join in on.   

You have a sensitive spirit, which is a good thing--as long as you are grounded in the truth.

There may be something in your basic character which tends to focus on the "falling-short" aspect.  Plenty of scriptural support for that mindset, but it also needs wisdom and tempering.

PERHAPS your friend's comments are there to help mold you a little differently.  Not every life-change is a complete turnabout...sometimes it's a series of small nudges that keep us from wandering too far right or left, even though we are basically moving in the right direction.

Anyway...you are in this kid's life for a season AND for a reason.  He doesn't need much help, sounds like, except in math and reading.  How's yours?

[Akira329]

To me, he needs BOTH.  But that's an opinion on raising children and that's not an argument I'm qualified to join in on.   

You have a sensitive spirit, which is a good thing--as long as you are grounded in the truth.

There may be something in your basic character which tends to focus on the "falling-short" aspect.  Plenty of scriptural support for that mindset, but it also needs wisdom and tempering.

PERHAPS your friend's comments are there to help mold you a little differently.  Not every life-change is a complete turnabout...sometimes it's a series of small nudges that keep us from wandering too far right or left, even though we are basically moving in the right direction.

Anyway...you are in this kid's life for a season AND for a reason.  He doesn't need much help, sounds like, except in math and reading.  How's yours?

What are the scriptures for this mind set?
Is there something I need to change about myself??

My math and reading skills are pretty good!
Its the teaching part that I have trouble with.

Thanks for your advice Dave!

Antaiwan

[Vangie]

As George said, it really depends on the perspective of the person--it's all subjective.  Your friend might think you stressing the F's rather than falling all over yourself praising the A's was "negative", but you handled it in the way you felt would "positively" influence her son.

The fact that you're sensitive to your friend's feelings is a "positive" in my book as well, as you're trying to understand and improve how she perceives you.  I think Dave offered some good advice.  We can all benefit from those nudges that help keep us on the fruitful path toward the kingdom. 

Not to make light of the child's struggles if he really does have a learning problem with his math and reading, but I just can't help but think of Stephen's aircraft mechanic post where the warning was given to "straighten up, fly right and get serious".   I'm not a parent, but I think if he can get A's in 3 subjects, then he can probably get 2 more of them, and some positive reinforcement and encouragement from a good role model (i.e. Antaiwan) is a plus!  Just my two cents from the outside looking in.

[Kat]

Hi Antaiwan,

I think there needs to be a balance.  Your friend was focusing on the positive and you were focusing on the negative about the child's progress report.  It seems the best thing to do for the child is to deal effectively with reality of the situation.  You should recognize that he had grades that were very good and let him know he did exceptionally well in those classes.  

But you can not just ignore that he made failing grades too.  I think this could be addressed in a way that would not be considered negative.  After congraduating him on the good grades, if you said something like, 'well something has to be done to get those low grades up.  Maybe I can help you with your homework.'

Do you see what I mean?  Just focusing on the negative is leaving a feeling of pessimism, and you shouldn't leave it there.  There needs to be something offered to bring it back to being optimistic, so as not the leave it in a negative state.

Well that's just a bit of my own thoughts on this.

mercy, peace andlove
Kat

[Akira329]

Thanks Vangie!
I'm not sure how to be a positive role model to a child that doesn't care about his education(he has said this)
I'm completely ignorant in this area.

Kat I totally agree,
and it was what i did when he came and saw me.
but my comment to the mother didn't sit well with her. She didn't know what I said to him earlier.
When I told her she couldn't leave well enough alone so proceeded to tell me how I could have done better.
I said i was sorry for the comment but it didn't end there.

He doesn't want my help and can't set still long enough to explain something to him.
He doesn't respect me

I'm kind of tired of this now,
think I will stop.

Thanks guys for your advice!!

Antaiwan

[EKnight]

Antaiwan,

It's not what you say but how you say it. 

If you had said, hey 3 A's!!! that's awesome!!!  Hard work pays off! and then, Are you having difficulties in Math and Reading?  Maybe I could help. 

You never even have to mention "two F's".

You see?

Eileen

[aqrinc]

Antaiwan,

You asked what it means to be focused on the negative. Several discriptions were given in this thread; also several ways to balance that were given. One thing we must remember, word do not just hang out on their own, words mean things (all words).

Ray did a great simile of that with his: 1. what is that on the road ahead ? 2. what is that on the road a head?. Same words, completely different meaning, we all need to become wordsmiths, especially when volunteering our advice and opinion.

Most of what you say is in the delivery, only a small part of the words used to deliver really get through. If we percieve advice is helpful, we really listen, if we percieve it is dealt harshly we go (fight or fliight) in a hurry.

george.

[Falconn003]

What does this statement mean??
I have been told this more than once by the same person.
Why do I always focus on the negative??
What does this mean??

Antaiwan

" Focus on the Negative " .......... What does this statement mean??

cotton candy tbn feeds it's viewers and another way of saying " i am sinner so what."

[Dave in Tenn]

What are the scriptures for this mind set?
Is there something I need to change about myself??



Antaiwan

Like Rodger implied...the whole 'beast' thing, the need for repentance, the dire need we have for God to work in us to conform us to the image of His Son, the carnal mind being enmity with God, etc. etc.  We cant skate through life without dealing with 'negatives', though the other side of the coin is the fruit of the Spirit...all of which are positive character traits. 

Is there something you need to change about yourself??  Well, I don't know you all that well at all, so I can't answer that with any conviction...except to assume you are  not yet in the Image of Christ, and that you, like the rest of us, can't change much about yourself that matters.   

Its a shame he expresses a lack of interest in education.  Kids can be such willful little liars.   

Hang in there.  Your responsibility here only goes so far, the way I read it. 

 

[Samson]

Antaiwan,

That little phrase is a favourite for people who have no answer in most cases. Positive and negative is based for most people on their perspective in the discussion. It would benefit for purpose of this thread to show a bit of detail on a particular discussion with this person.

Since negative and positive in relations is a subjective thing, when you support my argument, it would be considered positive. When you counter with things i don't want to hear, or make me uncomfortable; then you are negative.

In short: Agree = positive, disagree = negative.

george.

Thankyou George,

                          Thanks for the above comment, as certain relatives of mine have hammered me with that
                          phrase: " Why do I focus on the negative", but certain people, when I say something that
                          I consider positive, like something good that God has in store for Mankind, it's not positive
                          to them.

                          In my case, I've always considered myself a realist. To someone who considers themselves
                          positive and optimistic, I'm a pessimist and negative, but from a pessimist point of view, they
                          might consider me an Optimist and Positive. So it's all relative and subjective, indeed. Just
                          some thoughts and reflection, for whatever it's worth or not worth. However, your comment
                          was appreciated by me,  .

                                                          Carry On, Samson.

[cjwood]

antaiwan,
rodger's post is one of the best i have read in regards to your original post, especially concerning the grades aspect. your answers are within all the posts given. you said in your original thread that the boy does not respect you. he most likely has no respect for anyone, and that is a central issue for him. he has not learned the value of respect for others, and hence will not receive constructive criticism from anyone. his issues most likely run deep. you have done your best and that is all you can do. continue to approach the whole situation, with his mom and with him with the love of Christ. perhaps you could mention rodger's analogy of praising how beautiful a boat is, although it is sinking in the middle of the ocean.

stand strong in your faith.

claudia

[judith collier]

Antaiwan, remember that old phrase, "the glass is half empty" that's negative, "the glass is half full" that's positive. Judy