Love Styles

[Samson]

Dear Forum,

                I would like to take the time to present some very interesting information on how we Love
                in relationships(Love Personality Styles). This Thread will contain information drawn from
                what I consider an interesting book titled: HOW WE LOVE BY MILAN & KAY YERKOVICH.
                Walt129 had mentioned this book, quite awhile ago and when meeting him in person recently,
                he gave me a copy to read. Now, I don't usually value these relationship type Books, but
                this one really made good sense, at least identifying, why we act and react the way we do in
                our Marital relationships, providing some good examples of the CAUSE/EFFECT scenarios.
                This book details how our role models of relationships, our Parents, provide the cause as to
                how we relate in our Marital relationships and why. I'm going to present a brief description
                of each Love Style and list the characteristics of each one and I'm looking forward to your
                input on this. I already PM'd Kat, prior to Posting this, as to whether or not it was okay and
                stating that none of this information contradicts Ray's teachings, explaining it's a good lesson
                in the Cause/Effect relationship that all of us experience. So here it is, See below.


                                      THE AVOIDER LOVE STYLE

                They are introverted types who busy themselves with tasks in order to avoid relational
                demands. They just aren't big feelers, they isolate themselves when upset and have mastered
                the art of not feeling. The Avoiders theme song is: " I am a Rock, I am an Island ". Avoiders
                have learned to make decisions on their own and do not include others in the decision making
                process. People with Avoider imprints seek approval for the tasks they perform.

                                      CHARACTERISTICS OF THE AVOIDER

               1. TEND TO BE PRIVATE AND SELF SUFFICIENT
               2. TEND TO RESIST CONNECTION AND AFFECTION AND NOT VERY AFFECTIONATE
                  TOWARDS OTHERS.
               3. HAVE FEW EMOTIONS
               4. SOMETIMES COMPLY TO AVOID ARGUMENTS.
               5. GENERALLY DON'T ASK FOR ANY SORT OF EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT OR COMMITMENT
                   FROM PEOPLE.
               6. THEY MINIMIZE & RESIST EXPRESSIONS OF ANGER IN OTHERS AND THEMSELVES, YET
                   GET ANGRY WHEN PEOPLE GET TOO CLOSE.
               7. USUALLY HAPPY WHEN OTHERS ARE HAPPY AND DON'T EXPECT ALOT FROM THEM.
               8. TASK ORIENTED HIGH ACHIEVERS.
               9. PREFER TO DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE OR GIVE GIFTS RATHER THAN CONNECT
                   EMOTIONALLY.
               10. FEEL RESENTMENT TOWARDS THEIR SPOUSE FOR WANTING SOMETHING MORE FROM
                    THEM.
               11. TIRED OF HEARING HOW DISTANT THEY ARE.
               12. DON'T REALLY THINK ABOUT THEIR OWN FEELINGS AND NEEDS TOO OFTEN.

                                 THE VACILLATOR LOVE STYLE

                These kids become acutely sensitive to the emotionally temperature of other people
                and learn to adjust their behavior accordingly. Preoccupied with reading the signals
                they become discouraged and angry because they can't figure out how to get attention
                when they need it. Vacillators can plunge into relationships with tremendous intensity
                and a strong desire for constant connection because any hint of separation and space
                does not feel good to them. When problems arise, the hurt and betrayal the vacullator
                feels are extraordinary. They want to be made to feel special. They have a history of
                broken relationships.

                                  CHARACTERISTICS OF THE VACILLATOR

               1. ALWAYS BEEN ESPECIALLY SENSITIVE.
               2. DESIRE DEEP PASSIONATE CONNECTION.
               3. HAVE A HISTORY OF IDEALIZING OTHERS EARLY ON IN RELATIONSHIPS.
               4. EASILY FEEL DISAPPOINTED, REJECTED OR UNWANTED.
               5. SOMETIMES BECOME ANGRY WHEN THEIR EXPECTATIONS ARE UNMET.
               6. CAN FEEL BETRAYED, ABANDONED WHEN OTHERS ARE NOT EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE.
               7. EXPERIENCE INTERNAL CONFLICT & A HIGH LEVEL OF ANXIETY.
               8. MY CONFLICTED RESPONSES SOMETIMES CONFUSE EVEN ME.
               9. OTHERS HAVE SAID THEY FEEL LIKE THEY ARE WALKING ON EGGSHELLS AROUND ME.
               10. HAVE DIFFICULTY ACCEPTING THE WEAKNESSES OF OTHERS.
               11. USUALLY FEEL ANGRY INSTEAD OF SAD OVER DISAPPOINTMENT WITH OTHERS.
               12. HAVE DIFFICULTY BEING WILLING TO RE-ENGAGE WHEN ANGER BLOCKS OUT OTHER
                    EMOTIONS.
               13. TEND TO REFLECT MORE ON HOW OTHERS HAVE HURT US THAN THEIR OWN
                     SHORTCOMINGS.

                                  THE PLEASER LOVE STYLE

               They are often sensitive kids who easily internalize the feelings of others. Distress produced
               by anxiety or anger causes them to adopt strategies that will relieve the parent. These kids
               are anxious and upset when those around them are angry or worried.

                                  CHARACTERISTICS OF THE PLEASER.

              1. PEOPLE KNOW ME AS THE GOOD KID.
              2. THEY STRUGGLE WITH FEAR OF REJECTION OR CRITICISM.
              3. SOMETIMES THEY SEEK DEEPER CONNECTION BY WORKING TO MEET
                 OTHERS NEEDS.
              4. THEY HAVE NEEDS, BUT DON'T FEEL THEIR AS BIG AS MOST PEOPLE'S.
              5. AT TIMES THEY HAVE DIFFICULTY TOLERATING PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL
                  DISTANCE FROM THEIR SPOUSE.
              6. PREFER TO DEAL WITH CONFLICT BY MAKING UP FOR IT QUICKLY AND MOVING ON.
              7. CAN BE VERY JEALOUS, THOUGH THEY RARELY SHOW IT.
              8. HAVE DIFFICULTY SAYING KNOW AND MAKES THEM LESS THAN TRUTHFULL.
              9. THEY GERNERALLY DON'T FEEL ANGRY, OR IF THEY DO, THEY TRY TO THINK
                  ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE TO GET RID OF IT.
              10. SOMETIMES THEY RESENT GIVING MORE THAN THEY GET AND FEEL LIKE A DOORMAT.
              11. THEY DON'T OFTEN ASK FOR HELP AND FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN OTHERS TRY TO
                    GIVE THEM ASSISTANCE.


                       CONTROLLER & VICTIM LOVE STYLE

               These two love styles have similiar backrounds and usually come from chaotic and
               abusive backrounds with a controlling dominate parent and where the other parent
               is usually the victim. They learn that relationships are not safe and nurturing, but
               rather destructive and dangerous. The extreme level tension and stress produced
               by the physical, emotional, and verbal abuse causes extreme reactions in children.
               They cope with the constant terror in different ways, but often they move towards
               one of two opposite extremes of aggression or passivity.


                        CHARACTERISTICS OF THE CONTROLLER

              1. GROWING UP, I EXPERIENCED A GREAT DEAL OF INTENSE ANGER FROM A PARENT
                  OR PARENTS.
              2. USED TO CHAOS AT HOME.
              3. I'VE LEARNED TO PROTECT MYSELF THROUGH AGGRESSION.
              4. I DON'T LIKE TO CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVE IF I WEREN'T SO DOMINANT.
              5. THEY TEND NOT TO THINK ABOUT THE PAST & STAY BUSY WITH THE PRESENT.
              6. THEIR SPOUSE COULDN'T SURVIVE WITHOUT THEM.
              7. MY RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS ARE USUALLY MY SPOUSES FAULT.
              8. THEY RARELY FEEL ANY EMOTION EXCEPT ANGER AND SOMETIMES GUILT IF THEIR
                  ANGER HAS GONE TOO FAR.
              9. THINGS WOULD GO MORE SMOOTHLY IF THEIR SPOUSE LISTENED TO THEM AND DID
                  THE THINGS THEY ASKED.
             10. MY SPOUSE PURPOSELY MAKES ME JEALOUS.
             11. I GET ANGRY WHEN OTHERS DON'T LISTEN.
             12. I HAVE FEW FEELINGS ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD EXCEPT I'M GLAD IT'S OVER BECAUSE
                  I WOULDN'T GO BACK.

                            CHARACTERISTICS OF THE VICTIM.

             1. GROWING UP I EXPERIENCED A GREAT DEAL OF INTENSE ANGER & STRESS FROM A
                 PARENT OR PARENTS.
             2. I'M USED TO CHAOS AT HOME.
             3. I'VE LEARNED TO PROTECT MYSELF THROUGH PASSIVITY.
             4. I DON'T LIKE TO CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVE IF I WEREN'T QUIET AND SUBMISSIVE.
             5. I DON'T ASSERT MYSELF MUCH.
             6. RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS ARE USUALLY MY OWN FAULT.
             7. I TRY VERY HARD TO KEEP MY MATE HAPPY, BUT IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK.
             8. AT TIMES I'M HONESTLY SCARED OF MY SPOUSE.
             9. I'M RESENTFULL & ANGRY, BUT TRY NOT TO FOCUS ON IT.
            10. I FEEL TRAPPED AND HOPELESS MOST OF THE TIME.
            11. NO ONE REALLY KNOWS ME OR WHAT GOES ON IN MY MARRIAGE.
            12. MY SPOUSE IS MUCH NICER TO FRIENDS THAN ME.

                            IN SUMMARY

            When examining these different lovestyles and there characteristics, most of you will
            probably discover that you have at least some from every Love Style, but you will
            discover that one Love Style is the most dominant in your case. My wife and I went
            through all the characteristics of every Love Style, sorta of a test and discovered that
            she's an AVOIDER and I'm a VASCILLATOR. According to the book, these two Love Styles
            are the most common ones. The Book gives more detail as to the Childhood environments
            that usually lead to someone developing a certain Love Style. You will have to read the
            Book. However upon request, I will be willing to present one example of a particular real
            life home environment that led to a certain Love Style. Time and much typing is limiting
            my going any further in this initial Post.

                                   Kind Regards, Samson.

               

               

[musicman]

Don't you mean love positions?

[Samson]

Don't you mean love positions?

No musicman, but I certainly prefer that Topic with my Wife. 


                      Samson.

[Linny]

Thanks for posting this Samson. I look forward to studying it with my husband!

[OBrenda]

Hi Brad,

Great info.  Will have to get this book.  Did you get the book you lent me back?

YSIC,
Brenda

[Ninny]

Hi Brenda!! It's good to see you back!! Hope you're going to stay around awhile if you're feeling better!
Missed ya girl!!
Kathy