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=> Off Topic Discussions => Topic started by: ML on August 14, 2018, 07:33:53 PM

Title: How to be saved
Post by: ML on August 14, 2018, 07:33:53 PM
Here are 7 steps that YOU can do, to make sure that you are saved:

1. Pay your tithes

2. Have as much doctrine as you can

3. Take everything Scripture physical and literal

4. If God didnt give it to you, then you didn't ask hard enough

5. Free will guarantees you anything you want

6. If there's pain, then God hates you

7. Everything starts and ends with you, and God can only be a tool to get your desires

And, you can find all this and more, in my book "Getting God in Your Pocket"

Find me at the nearest Secret Name Society.
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: Wanda on August 14, 2018, 08:00:58 PM
What about works? 🤔
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: ML on August 14, 2018, 08:09:19 PM
What about works? 🤔
Ah yes, sister Wanda. Almost forgot to bring out our favorite Bible!

Phillipians 2:13 Free Choice Version

For it is God who reminds you to will and to work Your Sinners Prayer.

John 24:31 You Choose Version

Not only did you choose me, but your wish is My command
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: Wanda on August 14, 2018, 08:57:07 PM
Excuse me sir, but I have a couple of questions. Do you mean if I follow all of the steps, I will literally  have God in my pocket?  If so, am I always required to wear pockets?

These might seem like stupid questions, but I take my salvation extremely serious.

Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: ML on August 14, 2018, 09:46:08 PM
Yes, yes sister. We take your money.... Er, I mean concerns very seriously. Where else will God work, if now from our pockets?

Always remember this verse, dear friend:
1 Corinthians 2:9 FWV
But as it is written: Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither entered into our pants pockets, the blessings that come outeth unto those who tithe us money.

Don't forget the true name of our Savior: Yeshualabadadoodachilidee Halmayeshamadogeedooda. Yes, we found this on a nonexistent manuscript, in a nonexistent language, in a pigs dinner. Unless you speak this language perfectly, you will never fully be blessed from your tithing.
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: Wanda on August 14, 2018, 10:15:20 PM

Matthew 10:22
"You will be hated by all because of My name,

Oh my word! It's all become so clear to me now. Who wouldn't hate that name?




Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: ML on August 14, 2018, 10:23:53 PM
Acts 9:16
16 For I will shew him how great things he must suffer for my name's sake.

Exactly! Just try to endure saying His true name and remembering it!
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: Wanda on August 14, 2018, 10:32:02 PM
After meditating on this, I find I'm deeply troubled to know, God deliberately chose a name he knew would be hated, to insure we would be persecuted.

Do you consider this fair?
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: ML on August 14, 2018, 11:07:22 PM
Uh oh, your free trial has expired. Before I give you any more information, you have to make your first payment. How shall it be?

Credit, Debit, or cash?
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: indianabob on August 15, 2018, 01:10:39 PM
ML
How in the world did this ever get past the Moderators.... ::) :D

Couldn't stop laughing.
Indiana robert
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: yello62 on August 15, 2018, 04:13:24 PM
i see folks got jokes on this forum.  THAT will never earn you your salvation...
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: ML on August 15, 2018, 04:30:08 PM
But your tithing will! Our pockets couldn't get any emptier, so unless you like hell holes, step right up with your money!

And yes, God told me this. In fact, I am actually Yeshualabadadoodachilidee Halmayeshamadogeedooda's long lost twin's brother's sister's uncle's father's dog's cousin! So you can rest assured your money will be put to good use.
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: yello62 on August 15, 2018, 05:06:42 PM
tell me about the tithes.  my “third tithe” year put me into bankruptcy.  that should earn me some salvation points.
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: ML on August 15, 2018, 05:44:44 PM
Well, since I am Yeshualabadadoodachilidee Halmayeshamadogeedooda's long lost twin's brother's sister's uncle's father's dog's cousin, I have the authority to tell of the secret "tenth tithe"

On this tithe, not only do you give us all of your money, but all of your possessions! Surely you would not want to disobey a man of God like me, would you?

If you need food, go feed off of your neighbour cat litter. But, don't eat too much of it. Even cats gotta tithe their furballs to us.
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: Wanda on August 15, 2018, 11:26:07 PM
Sir, I thought about buying your book, but decided to ask God for a sign, because I had an uneasy feeing about you.  This morning I found my bank account has been frozen and I can't access any funds. Praise the Lord!

After reading your comment telling people to eat cat litter, I know you are not a man of God.
I have a few questions. Are you CRAZY? Seriosly, are you CRAZY? What kind of god do you worship, that would expect such a terrible thing of people?

I would also like to say. Anyone considering getting salvation from this mans advice, should know he doesn't own a jet or even a mansion. How can he possibly be inspired by God?

My God says I should love my enemies,  so I will pray for you.
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: ML on August 16, 2018, 12:26:47 AM
You still have a bank, don't you? Our society can personally make a trip asking for your bank. Yes, that's right, the building that your bank uses! That truly is the power of God!

Since I speak on the authority of Yeshualabadadoodachilidee Halmayeshamadogeedooda, you cannot question me! The only thing that YOU should question, is why your pockets are full, and not mine.

Actually, I own an anointed rock! That's right, a rock covered in baby oil, that follows me around. Remember how we are told to take everything physical and literal?

In fact, I will pray for YOU, paleface. In fact, for your apology, I personally need to gather as much cats as I can. Our true Savior will be sitting on fur balls as His throne, so time is ticking!
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: yello62 on August 16, 2018, 06:04:52 AM
i am afeared of you all...
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: Wanda on August 16, 2018, 02:26:29 PM
i am afeared of you all...

I've heard, Insanity is the only sane reaction to an insane society.
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: Wanda on August 16, 2018, 04:11:10 PM
Thanks for the religeous satire ML, it was quite fun. However,  it reminded me of my own painful experience with the doctrin of lies, and how by the teachings of a simple and humble man, like Ray Smith, I was freed from that sad, painful and fearful place of emotional torture.

I listened to the audio again,   Getting Saved - The Hardest Thing You will Ever Do.

https://youtu.be/nyw60TBhQJo

Interestingly, it won't cost one single cent either.
I feel extremely blessed,  that God called me to understand his truth, so I don't have to live in ignorance anymore.
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: indianabob on August 16, 2018, 09:35:24 PM

Ha ha,
My third tithe year we did pretty well with saving for the fall Festival, second tithe...
But then we took a couple of families out for dinner to substitute for widows and orphans.
In all honesty I never was able to look God in the eye during my 30 years in WWCG.
So when I learned of L. Ray Smith I took my whole first tithe and celebrated with my wife and kids.
I'm pretty sure that Headquarters didn't appreciate that...smile ::)

tell me about the tithes.  my “third tithe” year put me into bankruptcy.  that should earn me some salvation points.
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: ML on August 16, 2018, 10:30:35 PM
Interestingly, it won't cost one single cent either.
I feel extremely blessed,  that God called me to understand his truth, so I don't have to live in ignorance anymore.
2 Corinthians 4
6For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

7But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.

8We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;

9Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

10Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.

1 Peter 2
9and ye [are] a choice race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people acquired, that the excellences ye may shew forth of Him who out of darkness did call you to His wondrous light

Micah 7
8Thou dost not rejoice over me, O mine enemy, When I have fallen, I have risen, When I sit in darkness Jehovah is a light to me.

9The indignation of Jehovah I do bear, For I have sinned against Him, Till that He doth plead my cause, And hath executed my judgment, He doth bring me forth to the light, I look on His righteousness.

John 1
4In him was life; and the life was the light of men.

5And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.

1 John 1
7But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.

Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: Dennis Vogel on August 17, 2018, 12:38:36 PM
This started out as satire which is okay but let's not change it. Start a new topic if needed. Let's not confuse new people.
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: ML on August 17, 2018, 01:29:30 PM
You're right, Dennis.

So Tony, have you fed off your neighbors cat litter like I commanded you? Your salvation points are kinda low with the Big Guy upstairs, and I have the authority of Yeshualabadadoodachilidee Halmayeshamadogeedooda.
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: yello62 on August 17, 2018, 06:01:53 PM
i did not remember that you were a WWCG member as well.  and 30 years?  that's a whole lot of third tithin'.
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: Dave in Tenn on August 18, 2018, 09:10:15 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rynxqdNMry4
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: Musterseed on August 18, 2018, 09:55:22 PM
Wow, Thanks Dave
I never saw that before. Were you there?

There is freedom in Christ, Hallelujah.
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: Wanda on August 18, 2018, 10:49:43 PM
An impromptu opening act that lasted 2 hours and 45 minutes, until he ran out of material to perform. I still love his music to this day.
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: ML on August 18, 2018, 11:14:37 PM
Oh, I thought it was going to show Dave playing at first 🙂
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: Dave in Tenn on August 18, 2018, 11:58:14 PM
No, I wasn't there.  If everyone who said they were there actually were, it would have been 5 times as crowded.  😁

Besides, I was just twelve years old. 
Title: Re: How to be saved
Post by: Musterseed on August 19, 2018, 02:53:58 PM
Oh  sorry old feller,😂😂😂🎶🎶🎶💗hee hee.