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=> Off Topic Discussions => Topic started by: longhorn on August 05, 2010, 05:02:45 AM
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First of all, thank you for you're patience. Yes, I missed my 3:00 pm deadline, but like Gabriel and Michael in their attempt to deliver the words of understanding to Daniel, I myself was withstood by evil forces which required fierce warfare. As mentioned in my " Announcement " post, I have done little more than waist valuable band-with space on the BT forum. For that I do apologize. But no more. I take you back to last Saturday July 31st. While driving my 6yr old nephew home from an outing to the city park, conversation including 1 million questions about upcoming Shark Week on the Discovery channel, and why T-Rex is stronger than Godzilla, and another 45 thousand questions about life in general, and the final Question as I dropped him off at his Mom's that turned out to be the EUREKA moment of the 21st century. Jake ask me, Uncle Longhorn, Why does my belly-button stink? Well of course I had to tell him the truth. I said Jake, the belly-button is nothing but a BO-BO hole on a persons stomach and you're not supposed to stick your finger in there and dig. As he started to leave he say's to me Uncle Longhorn, you know just about everything don't you.
This chance Q&A session on the way home from a beautiful day at the park made me realize just how selfish I have been all these years withholding information that could possibly help millions, even hundred's. Hence, the formation of the " Let's Ask Longhorn " helpline.
This helpline is not to be used for the simple common obvious everyday questions that even a 2nd grader would know, for instance. Longhorn, can you tell me the atomic number of Gallium?, or Longhorn, what's the proper proceedure for replacing the Carbon-Carbon heat shields on the space shuttle? No Sir. This helpline is intended and reserved only for those next to impossible to answer questions like, Longhorn, suppose I'm in a crowded crocery store and need to relieve a pocket of gas build-up, which isle would you suggest, the frozen food section, or the bakery isle? Yes, these are the types of questions Americans need answers to. Yes fellow BT members, Longhorn is at you're service
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;D awesome! I had to laugh at your response to the belly button question!
So Longhorn, how many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?
Why am I not a morning person?
Rainbow!! What does this mean?!?
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Longhorn? Now I have a question for you....WHY have you waited until NOW to reveal to us the true nature of your intelligence? I mean PLEASE!! You are amazing to say the least! I don't know how we have lived this long without your wisdom, knowledge, and insight! Spend a little more time with your nephew and you'll get plenty MORE practice answering earth shaking questions! I just don't think I could come up with a gross question for you, but I'd be willing to bet that Musicman and Judy could really challenge you!! hehehehehe! :o
Kathy ;) :-*
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What should I do to a muffin infested with ants? I really want to eat it, but I don't think I'll like the taste of ants. :(
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Hey Longhorn,
How do I cure my Wife of Her Facebook(Farmville, Petville, Mafia Wars, ZooWorld, Fantasy World, La La World, Frontierville) addiction ? I told Her She's going to end up like THE TWILIGHT ZONE, I'm going to find Her and Her Mother inside the Monitor of the computer in Facebooks parallel world with no escape; ;D ;).
Thanks, Samson.
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Samson, LOL that is so true!! It is possible as I was addicted to Farmtown and Farmville. One day it will just be ENOUGH! I couldn't stand it anymore. Then I stopped. Easy as pie.
Longhorn, I want to knwo the answer to the " which aisle to stand in" question??
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What a silly question your nephew asked.
Godzilla?
T Rex?
Ha!!
We all know that King Kong could whip both of their behinds.
Oh, and now for my question:
I was at the zoo the other day. One of the elephants appeared to have some sort of evolutionary mutation going on.
I kid you not. It had five legs. Yes, five!!
Two in the front,
and three in the back.
Women and children were staring. What in God's name was that?
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Thank you for you're questions. Please trust that Longhorn will not just throw out a pile of theoretical goobldy goo information, no Sir. These answers are derived from actual first hand experience.
!. Astrapho. Excellent question considering our Federal Gov. just spent 10 million $$$$$ for the study of ants. As for you're situation, I have not eaten a muffin covered with ants, ( too much bran in muffins, clogs the old descending colon) however I did eat a bear claw doughnut with in my estimation around 14 - 17 common brown ants crawling on the surface, not too bad). If however these are of the Red Fire Ant variety, I suggest you gargle with a mixture of 1/2 cup of cheap vodka, 1 teaspoon of cracked black pepper, 1 icecream scoop of low fat cottage cheese. This should thoroughly prepare the tongue and esophagus for any mild discomfort you might experience from stings. I might add the stinging sensation does add to the overall enjoyment so whatever you do... don't throw that muffin away... there a hungry people who would kill for such a treat.
Longhorn
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what was eve's reaction when she first hear and smelled adam's passed gas?
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How much cash would a mustache stash if a mustache could stash cash?
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Samson
I just don't understand what it is that people of all ages see in this facebook thing. As for your wife's addiction, I think a deversion tactic might work best for you. The next time she log's on to facebook you need to stroll into the room in a Darth Vader mask wearing a pink tutu and pulling a little red wagon full of Captain Crunch cereal smothered in cream of mushroom soup all the while you're singing the umpa lumpa song from Willie Wonka. If this dosen't work send me a PM and we will try a more drastic approach.
Longhorn
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Gena
The best isle to let one rip on is a personal choice. The important thing we have to remember is that we must at all times have the mindset of a skunk. We can't just go around spraying everything and everyone we think poses a threat to us, we must alway's keep a reserve of magic gas in place and ready for discharge at a moments notice...As for myself, I have a hair trigger bubble of nauseous fumes who's only purpose in life is to destroy anything within a 15 ft radius.
Gena In my opinion, there a basically 3 catagories of poot's.
1. The common everyday life sustaining poot. - These are the poot's that keep of from exploding. Not much detailed explaining needed here.
2. The accidental poot. - We've all experienced one of these at one time or another in our lives. I've had to say " whoa, excuse me " more than once.
3. The recreational poot. - This has to be my personal favorite. Social gathering, funeral, wedding, it don't matter. You'll always be the life of the party as long as you can crank a long wet sounding one out on demand.
Now to answer you're question, Iif you're in a grocery store, shopping mall, home depot, wherever, and the rumbblings start, I prefer to head to the frozen food section. Why? well, first of all if it's a good one you'll want to preserve it. Secondly, if you're the easily embarrased type, the humming from the cooling fans will render the poot virtually undetectable. Whatever isle you choose, the important thing to remember is that poots were not designed to stay inside the human body.....so get em outa there.
Longhorn
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Longhorn, I'm going to puke if you keep this up!
But I have questions. Why is it men can fall asleep anywhere at any time? Really, are they tired, are they lazy, or are they faking????
And why , if men are supposed to be so smart can't they follow a woman's conversation if it has more than 1 verb and an adjective and 2 time periods???. OUR brains can handle multiples.
And why is it men never seem to know what is happening in the family??
Where do men get their arrogance and self rightiousness??
Why are men so gross?
Why are men so controlling?
God sure knew what he was doing when he made a woman for man. He must have known He blew it with the first model.
Why did God give men all that testosterone if He knew they would just start wars and be like rabbits? Just wondering. judy
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I was at the zoo the other day. One of the elephants appeared to have some sort of evolutionary mutation going on.
I kid you not. It had five legs. Yes, five!!
Two in the front,
and three in the back.
Women and children were staring. What in God's name was that?
Musicman, I think Longhorn avoided your question because he seldom sees elephants behaviour. I, on the other hand come from Africa and can answer your question.
Its a common phenomenon among bull elephants. Its called the Tripodius effect. It happens when they get dizzy, and helps to keep them upright.
Girl elephants dont need it as they are stable and never dizzy but it has been shown that they are impressed by the bull elephants ability to remain upright when dizzy spells strike.
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Musicman
What a silly answer Jassy just gave you. You probably know less about elephants now than you did before. No, Longhorn has not avoided you're question, on the contrary, My cousin works at the Dallas zoo in the Aviary of the Amazon display. He knows the supervisor of the Big Cat exhibit who's Sister is friends with the brother of a guy who's uncle rides to work with the man in charge of scooping up the doo balls in the Pachyderm exhibit, who's agreed to hide me in the doo dumpster for a couple of day's next week to persoanly analyze and thoroughly research this extra swinging pachyderm appendage. Look for my reply post next week.
Longhorn
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I take exception to that dismissal of my explanation Longhorn. Do not question your betters. First of all, you have not even got a faintest idea what an elephant is.
What does it help hanging about in a Patchyderms doo doo dumpster???? His question related to elephants.
My brothers wife second cousin twice removed shook a mans hand in a bus once who worked at a game reserve. He imparted this information. Why? I will never know, but it can be trusted.
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Longhorn, I'm going to puke if you keep this up!
But I have questions. Why is it men can fall asleep anywhere at any time? Really, are they tired, are they lazy, or are they faking????
And why , if men are supposed to be so smart can't they follow a woman's conversation if it has more than 1 verb and an adjective and 2 time periods???. OUR brains can handle multiples.
And why is it men never seem to know what is happening in the family??
Where do men get their arrogance and self righteousness??
Why are men so gross?
Why are men so controlling?
God sure knew what he was doing when he made a woman for man. He must have known He blew it with the first model.
Why did God give men all that testosterone if He knew they would just start wars and be like rabbits? Just wondering. Judy
Hi Judy,
I'll respond to this one Longhorn, Hope you don't mind, although I tread dangerous waters in response.
Male Arrogance: I agree, in my experience, Men tend to be more arrogant than Women, it relates to pride, too much of it I'm afraid. As I've stated to Kat and others, I'm developing a hatred towards arrogance during the last two years, however it's learned behavior from Our Fathers and Our Male Peers, it actually sickens me. My wife says when explaining Bible Truths to others, sometimes I tend to have an air of arrogance, so I will address that. Actually, in my case it's due to the Carnal trait of intolerance to people and complicated issues originating from others.
Self Righteousness: In my experience, I think women, not everyone, take the lead in this department. They tend to be overly concerned about issues that are considered by most, minor in nature. Making a Mountain out of a molehill.
Lazy: It's a stalemate, Women tend to be better workers in the employment field, probably due to their detail oriented Natures. In the homefront, in my experience Women have been lazy. Part of it probably tends to them being overly tired from pleasing people. Their trying to please people at every turn, sometimes I do the same. My Wife wears herself out trying to please everybody, an impossible task at best. She's the greatest Women I ever met, but for sanity sake, She needs to be more selective in the people pleasing department. Regarding Housework, I know Males, including myself that do most of the work at Home, including working on Cars, lawncare, cleaning, cooking; etc. I recognize that My wife has the more demanding secular job, so therefore I do 80% of the Domestic chores.
Conversation Process: Hemisphere Dominance plays a role here. Women add many details which Men usually consider irrelevant when conveying information. Men are wired to process this with: " Get to the Point." Women tend to tell an entire story to convey the facts about what happened to them at work. In this case(Work Stories), I tend to do alright listening to her and she appreciates this, but sometimes Males lose the essential facts amidst the overly long dialogue and drama. Example: A Patient hit me in the face today becomes a long story leading up to the event. Women tend to be better at multitasking(doing more than one thing at a time) whereas Men are better in focusing on one thing at a time and doing an excellent job when permitted to concentrate on one task. Men can get confused and irritated when two or more people attempt to gather information or require something at the same time. In my case, it's not that I'm angry several people want something, it's that I can't give everybody my best when confronted with so many requests at one time.
Testosterone: This is true, but I still wish I had more in order to accomplish more things, lacking the energy to do as much as I want with the limited time. I tend to believe that the Men who start Wars are not adequately using or channeling their Testosterone by more productive means, including in the Homefront in relation to their Wives. Thankfully, I don't have that issue; ;). Of course, most of the Men that start Wars are not the ones that have to fight in them.
Tired: I guess that varies among the sexes, my Wife probably wishes I was more tired, but different things make people tired. For Me, it's emotionally related stresses that takes the lead, but I like physical and mental work, I usually feel better. My Wife is a great compliment, as She seems to have more strength when comforting emotional drama, but we try to work as a team in that area.
Controlling: Don't agree with this, although Men over 60 tend to be from a generation that excelled at being control freaks. Most of the Women under 60, at least the ones I've viewed tend to try and attempt to control every detail of every issue, both Domestically and in the Work force. The more intelligent and crafty Women are capable of having a Man believe He's in control, when in reality they are able to maneuver the situation to their advantage. That's why my wife ultimately gets what She wants. She subtly feeds or strokes my vanity, not always consciously detected by Me, but She gets good results. Boy, She should teach a course to other Women. I think that Brenda is good in this area and does rather well too.
Well Judy, enough for now, all in Fun coupled with Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, didn't we have a thread like that, now I better high tale myself outta here. Good Luck Longhorn, maybe they will forget about you and go for my jugular, ;D Samson.
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I am cracking up!! oh this has been fun! Thank you all! I'm not sure that I'm any smarter, but I think my stress level has gone down!! ;D
Kathy ;)
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Judy
Men are not all bad, why just the other day I saved a dolphin and petted a puppy.
P.S.
I forgot to add a disclaimer to my helpline. If Longhorn here can't answer you're question, I will fly you and a guest out to Longhorn ranch for a 3 day 1 night all expenses
paid " Rountable discussion ". I will leave no stone unturned until you have peace of mind. Join Longhorn for an exotic country culinary experience, snipe hunts, and of course discussion of Ray's materials.
Longhorn
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Longhorn...you're not going to have..North End of South-bound Skunk on the menu, are you? I mean..I KNOW you, dude!
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Santikos requested " What was Eve's reaction "
Santikos, I could only guess that it was pretty much the typical reply that any women would give. " You gross pig, go wipe ".
Hope this helped
Longhorn
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Ninny
I haven't decided on the main course yet, but I'm thinking potted meat on crackers, cheese balls, miniature tootsie rolls, and ice cold Fresca for appetizers.
Longhorn
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Longhorn...buddy, I KNEW I could count on you for "out of this world" cuisine!! Potted meat is really gourmet!! yum yum :-X Just thinking of that is making me see stars! Feeling a little light headed, you know! hehehehe! Now if this wasn't your question and answer thread..I'd ask you if you were planning on putting the tootsie rolls into the cheese balls..again...I know you..hehehe! :o
Kathy ;)
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;D ;D ;D ROFLOL....TMI TMI TMI
*Too much info!!!!
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Thanks for the answer Longhorn! The brown ants tasted sweet. What a great flavor to add to the almighty muffin. I think I'mma embark on a noble quest to catch a lot of ants and have fried ants for breakfast. Nomnomnomnomnom. :D
My second question: If I'm stuck on a deserted island (with trees and stuff) with nothing but the clothes on me back and a chicken, how do I cook soup????
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Cypress asked. " How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon "?
Funny you should mention Cypress. Sugar from beets or cane is actually more easily transformed into ethanol than corn, which is a starch. I can tell you from experience that about 14 cups of ethanol will take you places far more distant than the moon. The last time I tried I must have gone to either mars or oklahoma for a dirt nap, whichever it was, I woke up with a mouthfull of red dirt.......so to answer you're ?, Im gonna say 14.
Cypress asked. " Why am I not a morning person "
Cypress, consider yourself lucky, mornings are for losers. Think about it. You wake up and you're breath smells like freeze dried monkey butt, you have some kind of green hard crap caked all in you're eye's, hairs all matted up like someone whacked you on the head with a candy apple, you stumble to the bathroom to empty liquid that's been perculating in your bladder all night and smells like someone squeezed 2 lemmons over a dirty sock.....not me....I'll just stay in bed.
Longhorn
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Cypress, consider yourself lucky, mornings are for losers. Think about it. You wake up and you're breath smells like freeze dried monkey butt, you have some kind of green hard crap caked all in you're eye's, hairs all matted up like someone whacked you on the head with a candy apple, you stumble to the bathroom to empty liquid that's been perculating in your bladder all night and smells like someone squeezed 2 lemmons over a dirty sock.....not me....I'll just stay in bed.
Longhorn
Why Longhorn!!!! That was such a poetic answer. I take it back about your dismissal of my answer to Musicman. You bring to mind the prose of Shakespeare. When the characters relieve themselves in long soliloquies.
Makes my heart all aflutter.
Perhaps you will be able to answer the question I have burned to ask a learned soul.
What is the meaning of life? The answer I was given was 243. It made no sense, Was this person a fraud? Please help.
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The " Let's Ask Longhorn " helpline will be down until Wed Aug 11. I seem to have lost the toenail on my little toe ( left foot). Don't recall dropping an anvel on my foot or anything. Not really sure if it's all that important, I mean I still have my mobility, pretty sure I could kick a football, perhaps even tap dance. I know this is not of National security type importance, but dangit, it's my toenail and I want it back. That brings up a interesting question........ anybody ever ate a toenail.......... You know you have.
Longhorn
Thought about having a questionaire of " What's the weirdest part of the human body you've consumed " but figured that might be a Thread Locker for sure.
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:o rotflol.
Cypress asked. " How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon "?
Funny you should mention Cypress. Sugar from beets or cane is actually more easily transformed into ethanol than corn, which is a starch. I can tell you from experience that about 14 cups of ethanol will take you places far more distant than the moon. The last time I tried I must have gone to either mars or oklahoma for a dirt nap, whichever it was, I woke up with a mouthfull of red dirt.......so to answer you're ?, Im gonna say 14.
Cypress asked. " Why am I not a morning person "
Cypress, consider yourself lucky, mornings are for losers. Think about it. You wake up and you're breath smells like freeze dried monkey butt, you have some kind of green hard crap caked all in you're eye's, hairs all matted up like someone whacked you on the head with a candy apple, you stumble to the bathroom to empty liquid that's been perculating in your bladder all night and smells like someone squeezed 2 lemmons over a dirty sock.....not me....I'll just stay in bed.
Longhorn
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False Alarm.......Thought I found my toenail in my sock, but it was a grain of rice. Oh well, the search continues.
Longhorn
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Its a common phenomenon among bull elephants. Its called the Tripodius effect. It happens when they get dizzy, and helps to keep them upright.
Girl elephants dont need it as they are stable and never dizzy but it has been shown that they are impressed by the bull elephants ability to remain upright when dizzy spells strike.
jassy,
that is the funniest thing i have heard in a very long time.
claudia
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Dear Samson, I would like to say a few things but the men on here (if what you say is true) would find 90% of what I say as irrelevant!!!!!!I
BUT, I do think thou doth protest too much!
SOMETHING TO MUNCH ON!----- Women don't really want facts!
I'll ask my husband for his opinion and suddenly he is a walking encyclopedia.
BUT, I suppose I could use reason and think on some of the things you said!
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Longhorn, I would be very afraid to visit the RANCH!!!!!!!!
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Dear Samson, I would like to say a few things but the men on here (if what you say is true) would find 90% of what I say as irrelevant!!!!!!I
BUT, I do think thou doth protest too much!
SOMETHING TO MUNCH ON!----- Women don't really want facts!
I'll ask my husband for his opinion and suddenly he is a walking encyclopedia.
BUT, I suppose I could use reason and think on some of the things you said!
Dear Judy,
I just read your Post to my Wife and She said YES in regards to the " walking encyclopedia." ;D ;) ;D Women just want to be Loved. As My Wife so often says: Stop trying to figure me out, just Love me. The longer I'm with Her, the less I try to figure Her out. Life is much more peacefull that way. ;)
I still have more to learn, Samson.
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longhorn. your football team is the tx longhorns. i have 2 questions for you:
1.) do you bleed burnt orange?
2.) do you live in the austin tx area?
sincerely,
claudia
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Claudia,
He definitely bleeds burnt orange and he lives at least three days by covered wagon from you!! ha!! That's the way he travels, you know...hehehe!! He leaves on Friday night to go to his mom's house for Sunday lunch!! :o
Kathy ;)
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Claudia- If I lived in Austin, the UT campus police would hate my gut's. They would have to chase me away from closed UT practices, constantly trying to befriend players and coaches, hanging around for autographs, pictures, and that's just during the week... If given the choice between a year long cruise on a private yatch with a sex deprived Jennifer Aniston or attending 1 Longhorns game a year.......................... The Horns win everytime.... Hook em Horns.
Longhorn
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I am cracking up!! oh this has been fun! Thank you all! I'm not sure that I'm any smarter, but I think my stress level has gone down!! ;D
Kathy ;)
Ditto! What a stress reliever.
Eileen
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... If given the choice between a year long cruise on a private yatch with a sex deprived Jennifer Aniston or attending 1 Longhorns game a year.......................... The Horns win everytime.... Hook em Horns.
Well duuuuu!! If you're gonna spend a year alone on a boat with JA leaving her sex deprived, you might as well do the football game. What else are ya gonna do with her that whole time? Talk?
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Anyhow, I got a bit of a problem LH. I know the women of Texas love their hairy chested men, especially unbathed. Unfortunately, that is not the case down here in North Cuba (well, I supposed the unbathed part is OK). So today I took the clippers to my front pelt and the teeth from the gadget bogged down on one colossal bank of thick man nipple hair. Of course I turned the damn thing off but the damage and pain had already been done. Took me half an hour to cut the device away from myself, leaving a sore bald spot of chest skin. Now, I have what looks like the result of a fight between two gorillas on some nature show. And I'm afraid to even try and cut the rest. If I attempt this using the hedge clippers as I have been advised, the result could make today's pain seem like a vacation at Disney Land for the sake of comparison. I need help from a true Texan. You guys sheer sheep and castrate bulls. How do you do this without causing severe pain and embarrassment to these creatures?
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Musicman. Put down the bottle.
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Really, OMG!! Musicman...I am not going to be able to go to sleep tonight with that picture in my mind!! hahaha! I have GOT to stop laughing or I'll be awake all night!! Why did I even read this...I should never have read past "so today I took the clipper to my front pelt..." :D :D Not only should you put the bottle down...dude...don't ever touch those clippers again!!! :o :o
Can ANYONE do anything for Musicman? NO! He is hopeless!!!
Longhorn...did you find your toenail?
Kathy ;)
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in texas we clip em really, really fast. lightening fast. or was that fast lightening? but in all honesty musicman, you could just leave it alone and let the patch o' missing locks grow back, or, if you are anticipating exposing your manly chest, i would say, go for it. you can do it. yes you can. yes you can.
longhorn, i would love it if you lived in austin texas. i could get in mucho trouble with you. 8) everytime the horns win, the ut tower lights up in orange lights all night long. i can see you now longhorn, perched atop that glowing tower. mooing at the top of your lungs like bevo, the ut bull mascot. he is mammoth.
okay, i'm done.
claudia
ps. not all texan women like their men hairy chested and unbathed. ;)
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Long horn,
It is rare and very unusual to have a man admit to such gross incompetence with a pair of shears. Do it yourself has been given a bad name.
Bob
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Janine,
I wish that I had your husband's problem with a full head of hair.
My problem is always having to wear a hat to prevent sunburn
And weren't those lovely blond locks one of hubbies attractions when you met?
By the way how old is this good looking fellow that he still has all of his hair?
Just saying, Bob
Ahh musicman that sounds so painful. You're making me cringe. I'm sorry I laughed when I first read this. Maybe you can enlist a hairdresser or some other professional to assist.
Once you figure it out, let me know. My husband could use some instruction in this department too. His blond locks cover like wall to wall carpet. I'd like to see him cleaned up. He won't care too though, even though this recent heatwave has about killed him. That's a lot of extra insulation in those locks. TMI, sorry.
Thanks for sharing.
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Claudia. I will be in Austin Sept 10 - 12 for the Texas - Wyoming game Sat. Sec 102 row 7. That's the end of the stadium where the team enters the stadium. It's also the end of the stadium where Bevo is. Good thing I don't drink anymore.
Longhorn
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Musicman I saw your problem and If you Can take the pain for a sec. or two, I would suggest doing a wax job on that chest of yours. I have tried it and it is a little painfull. Just make sure you don't rip your nipples off. :o
Darren
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Whatever happened to just getting out the razor and shaving that hair, MM? It's easy...all you do is get the scissors and cut the longest hair and then shave the rest! Want ME to do it for you? Please? or could I do the wax?? please, please, please?? 8) Muahahahaha! Now quit being a baby and "get 'er done!!" hahahaha ::)
Longhorn...I think I'll go to Austin on that day and see if you're there! (I know you....) hehehehe! Not saying you won't BE there, but how big is that section? AND do the cops know you're going? I am very suspicious of you...Claudia, if you go looking for him..be watching out..He'll probably throw a water balloon at you and you'll never know where it came from....or if a strange bird lands in your hair...he has a bunch of those...be watchful!! :o
I'm lookin' out for YOU, Claudia! :D
Musicman and Longhorn...you KNOW I love ya!! :-*
Kathy ;)
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Janine...here's the problem..I nag and I nag and I NAG!! BUT MUSICMAN NEVER LISTENS TO ME!!!! ha! SO I have to get really on his nerves before he takes my advice...but then he STILL doesn't listen to me!! I have even threatened to tell his MOTHER!!! My job is SO hard!! hehehe!!
Longhorn is almost as exasperating as Musicman!! You should see the gray these two men have put in my hair!! :o But you know I just feel it's my civic duty to try to keep these guys on the straight an narrow...the operative word here being TRY!! SIGH.... The quest continues....it's a dirty job, but someone has to do it!! ;D
Oh, Janine...it's very hard to take these two men literally...you'll learn! :D
Kathy ;)
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Good news folks. i finally was able to shave my front pelt. Twas quite painful. No, scissors don't work. I've tried it and have lost several pairs in the. . . .well. . ."Man Jungle". Had to get the super hedge clippers for the job. Just thinking about the pain gives me chills. But I know what I'm doing now. The next problem will be uuuumm?? shaving my back pelt. Let me just talk through it. Just hang these super sheerers right up here, turn it on, wow that's loud. . . .Next, yeah, take off this shirt, my god, it's like taking a wrapper off of a christmas tree. Now I just lean back really slowly. Slowly,, and carefully, and . . .. .. .. .
Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh, the pain!!!! Oh god, it hurts!!!! Why did I try that!!?? My back hair is stuck in this ravenous machine!!! I'm being pulled in!!!!!!!
Help!!! Me!!!! Long!!! Horn!!!!
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Can you reach the bottle musicman, not the button, the bottle. I feel your pain. In honor of musicman bravery and pain endurance I'm going to take one of those basting brushes and apply a thick coating of maple surup on my bottom and sit on a Fire ant bed while my assistant whacks me over the head with a sock filled with stale rock hard Lorna Dune wedding cookies.
Longhorn
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YOU TWO FRUITCAKES!!! How will I ever get to sleep! first Janine had me cracking up with hubby's nose hair situation! ALL too common!! Let me tell you a secret...I was lying in bed reading this on my iPod when I was starting to snicker and laugh..well MY husband was sleeping and so I had to quickly run from the room and get on my computer!! It is almost 11PM I am OLD!! I NEED sleep!!! But NO! first MM all the screaming...please! how am I supposed to go to sleep??? I mean I am laughing so hard I can barely breathe!!!
Oh, Janine...I have tried to be nice to these two, but I'm not even going to tell you where THAT got me! ;D :o
Ok now...Little Music...I have a suggestion for you...if you were not killed by the hedge trimmer...PLEASE let me come and cut that hair for you!!!! I promise I'll be gentle!! ::) I'm cracking up here.... MM You KNOW I won't hurt you!! unless of course...you make me laugh while I'm doing the cutting...that could be dangerous...
anyway...now...Longhorn...oh PLEASE......pleeeezzz can I be your assistant?! I want to hit you over the head with a sock filled with stale rock hard Lorna Dune..wedding cookies?? couldn't we just put some ROCKS in the sock??hahahahahaha! ok, ok aquarium gravel then.... :D
I feel better now...maybe I can sleep! I hope I don't dream about shaving gorillas or something....
Geez, I haven't laughed all by myself in the dark in well...in a long time!!! hehehehe!!
I hope you're ok Musicman...you have to be..You're the King of North Cuba!!!! :D
Longhorn, I don't want to see your butt covered in Fire Ants!! No I don't...that would be scary and that would really hurt!!!
And when it's all said and done...I am really fond of you guys! and if we don't ALL get banned from the forum after this...well we'll know that God sorta likes us and He knows that you two guys are ok..you just need a little guidance! That's what I'm here for...I may need some reinforcements!!
Kathy (yawn) ;)
I'm sorry, Craig, Marques, Dave, Rene', Dennis, Kat...etc....I guess I don't help you control Longhorn and Musicman very well, I try....
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Musicman I don't feel a bit sorry for you! You know nothing about sore nipples!
I don't dare get graphic because we will all be gone!
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Ohhh man oh man dying of laughter here!!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Oh, Judy! Don't you dare!!! We WILL be in trouble...You DO NOT want to get Musicman started with stuff like that! We are trying to keep him out of trouble here! He teeters on the edge as it is!!! hehee!! I had such horrible nightmares last night! Gorillas and fire ants and man eating lawn equipment!!! It was just horrible!!
Longhorn...you'd better come up with a solution quick for his back hair problem before another calamity comes upon us! As soon as you get over the fire ant bites, you'd better get to researching back hair!!
I'm exhausted! :D ;D :D
Your Loving Faithful Assistant,
Kathy ;) :D
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Dear Samson, I would like to say a few things but the men on here (if what you say is true) would find 90% of what I say as irrelevant!!!!!!I
BUT, I do think thou doth protest too much!
SOMETHING TO MUNCH ON!----- Women don't really want facts!
I'll ask my husband for his opinion and suddenly he is a walking encyclopedia.
BUT, I suppose I could use reason and think on some of the things you said!
Dear Judy,
This is for you in relation to Our Male/Female discussion, it will give you a good laugh.
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;D, Samson.
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Dear Samson, I would like to say a few things but the men on here (if what you say is true) would find 90% of what I say as irrelevant!!!!!!I
BUT, I do think thou doth protest too much!
SOMETHING TO MUNCH ON!----- Women don't really want facts!
I'll ask my husband for his opinion and suddenly he is a walking encyclopedia.
BUT, I suppose I could use reason and think on some of the things you said!
Dear judy,
This Samson's wife I forgot my password but I wanted to give you a laugh. My mental thinking is a little off today. If anyone has a problem with the song i am sorry and pm me (frecklegirl417).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7Y0I91rubg
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Yeah, ya'll keep laughing. If only you knew the pain I am in right now. I couldn't sleep at all last night. In fact, I couldn't even lie down!! And I might never lie down again. Now, as far as this nose hair problem? What problem? I'm keeping my nose hair. For I have heard that they make great music in the night. Their vibrations are like the string section performing a beautiful sonata.
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sonata??! Now that's truly painful, MM. There is someting vewy vewy wong wit chu.
Ouch.... ;D ;D
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Musicman! You know I feel terrible about your pain...I DO!!! I was having trouble sleeping too...You know I was dreaming about you! (the gorillas and fire ants and man eating lawn equipment!!) I wish I could offer you advice on how to sleep on your feet...give me time to consult with a few animals...lots of animals sleep standing up! Agreed most of them DO have 4 legs, but there might be a way for YOU! hehehehe...I'm not laughing at you...really...
Musciman, you may feel pain right now, but think how it will be when you walk down the street with your shirt off!! hahaha!! Oh, HEY!! I just had an idea! take some of the hair from your BODY...you know what I'm going to say....and TRANSPLANT it to your little bald head and you will be even CUTER than you already are!!! Oh, I am sooooo smart!! oh...I don't think you'd really look that good with hair on your head, though....hmmm, it might interefere with the music from your nose hair!! hahaha!! I know....shutting up now.....but...if you EVER need ANY of my advice you know how to contact me!!! :D :D :D
Oh Vangie! hehehehe!!
Love,
Kathy ;) ;) :-*
PS...Longhorn...how about getting the animals to help you find out how to help Musicman sleep on his feet!!!
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Vangie...I forgot...I'm glad you caught that whole sonata thing!!! MM...You're SUCH a boy! hehehehe! sigh....
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Ok. Tonight I lay me down to sleep with the following items safely secure in the fundus of my belly.... Fried sliced ham, steamed cabbage with a dash of louisana hot sause, mac n cheese, corn chips and garlic dip, a slice of tomato, and a cherry flavored licorice stick. The good thing about being single is if and when I ever do poot again, I can turn on my side and blow the dang curtains off their rods and it don't matter. I laugh at the gas gods and snicker at the doodie demons. Good night all.
Longhorn
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My Dear, Sweet Longhorn...
YOU ARE GROSS!! But I think I'll keep you around awhile!! You two little 8th graders can not stay away from bodily function humor!! SO I have decided to give you something special.....
I am awarding you and the King of North Cuba the much coveted........
GROSSNESS IN SPITE OF INTELLIGENCE AWARD!! You are entitled to all the honor and privileges associated with the award! Hey, not everyone is actually GROSS enough to get the award..I don't hand out these awards lightly, you know!!! But you and Musicman deserve everything you get!! hehehehehehe!! :o
Oh and you also get a big hug to keep you through the night!! :D
Thank you for never letting me down!! :-*
Kathy ;)
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Dear Samson, that Bill Murray scene! What's funny?? (chuckle)
Dear Samson's wife, now that was funny!
You know the man vs. women thing in marriage is being accepted more with the young uns'. All 3 of my married girls don't kvetch near as much as I used to. I say to them, "you put up with that?" Their replys are all the same, "mom, it's just a man thing".
It ends up being a matter of expectations.
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Musicman, "I couldn't sleep at allllllll last night" I know where I heard that before!
THE BIG BOPPER!!!!!
"nothing in the world like a big eyed girl makes the world go round round round!"
"with a pretty face and a pony tail hanging down "
Man,you are channeling the THE BIG Bopper!!!!!
Oh, most women hate hair on men so clip, shave and set it all on fire if you have to!!!!!!
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Ninny, about Musicman sleeping on his feet, maybe we could get him one of those extra legs from an elephant like janine mentioned. A tripod thingy or something like that. The only problem is where to put it!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh I amuse myself!!!!
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Judy! Now you cracked me up!! That is one thing I will NOT help you with MM you've got to figure out how to install that all by your yourself!! ;D
Longhorn...I think Judy will soon need to seek your wisdom as to where to put that extra leg thingy...I'm definitely NOT getting involved with THAT!! :o
I had so many more witty and clever things to say...BUT I rather enjoyed just thinking about that problem Judy brought up...so I think I'll just go to bed now! ;D
Sweet dreams, Y'all!
Kathy ;)
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I got to thinking, God had a good reason for making some things stink. If everything smelled like fresh baked applie pie, or steaks cooking on the grill, heck we'd constantly be running around shoving our dang noses in the weirdest places. These are the reasons for my being..... I must have common answers to the uncommon questions.
Longhorn
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;D hi , Longhorn I want to send an e-mail to george w. bush , do you know his e-mail,or something like this? ;D
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You're in luck soberxp. G W and Laura will be staying at the Longhorn ranch for the Christmas holidays. Get you're questions lined up.
Longhorn
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You're in luck soberxp. G W and Laura will be staying at the Longhorn ranch for the Christmas holidays. Get you're questions lined up.
Longhorn
:D LOL.your answer was not common ;)
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You are wrong LH. To contact George Dubya just e-mail him at gdubya@strategery.com.
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;D hi , Longhorn I want to send an e-mail to george w. bush , do you know his e-mail,or something like this? ;D
Which brings me to my next question:
Why, if dogs have such powerful sense of smell (sometimes 100x better than we humans) do they go around sniffing the hind parts of other dogs. You'd think they would be the first to leave the room when you, Long Horn, have broken the night with one of your Silence of Destruction bombs. Nature is weird that way. But why Long Horn.
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Musicman, Let me commend you on being the 1st to actually ask an intelligent question. Have you considered work in the media field? I'm thinking White House. I would pay to see press sec Robert Gibbs sweat bullets as steam rises underneath his collar as you drill him with the really pressing soul searching questions. Ok. You're correct in your think process. I don't understand how dogs can go a single minute without their heads exploding. Imagine continually picking up 1000's of scents simultaneously and everyone of those aromas being magnified to the 100th power. Why even a dang rose would be enough to cause severe vomitus, and don't even mention some fresh cat diarrhea. I understand the fact that like wild animals, we humans cannot seem to control our nocturnal desires to go shove our boogery noses into every gunky gooyie cleft and crevasse known to man. And to top it all off, after we do it and come to the brilliant conclusion that... I'll be darn...that stinks... we go and do the same thing the first chance we get. Musicman, will we ever learn?
Longhorn
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Musicman...since you have moved on to another question I see you survived the pelt-shaving incident! Thank the Lord!! Now I'm glad that I left the dog sniffing to the expert, Longhorn...LH, you are SO deserving of that award I gave you the other night!! I KNEW You'd have the right answer to Musicman's question! You're SO smart!! ;D
But now, Musicman.. I have to tell you something!!
I am so sorry that i have been so insensitive! I have figured it out with my special investigative powers the whole situation!! Here's what I have decided...
I know why you decided to shave the pelt!!!! the troublesome forest-like chest hair! I don't know why it took me so long!!!
You have decided NEVER again to date women you pick up in the woods at night on the full moon!!!! :o You have decided that you are no longer going to date any woman you have to ditch at the zoo!! :o You have decided NEVER again to date women who would be more suited to King Kong!!! :o AND FINALLY.. you will NEVER AGAIN date the Missing Link OR any of her relatives!!!!! :D :D \o/ I am SO proud of you MM!!! Your mother will now be able to sleep at night and your dad can stop calling you on Sunday evening to make sure you survived another weekend!! AND I myself, your biggest fan....can rest easy knowing that I will have many more years of stepping in here to keep you out of trouble!!! ;D 8) :-*
I'm here for you, as always!!
Kathy ;)
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janine, you're right, it was jassy!
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janine, you're right, it was jassy!
Yes Judy, I cannot tell a lie, It was my towering intellect on the leg issue. I am not participating on this post anymore as Longhorn did not answer my meaning of life question. But does on hair issues. Hello.
I will have to carry on my quest for others of more towering intellect than mine. sigh.
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Jassy. I have good news, and bad news. The bad news is that I feel totally unqualified to answer your question, " What is the meaning of Life"? Let me explain. You see Jassy, you may or may not have noticed that for some strange reason ( more than likely very, very cheap Vodka ) Longhorn seems to view life somewhat diffrently than the average person. Oh sure, I could give you some silly twisted theoretical mumble jumble that may satisfy a few on this forum for a day or two, but I simply cannot give advise that might cause permanent brain damage to those seeking quadralateral imbroglio invideous harmony. Sorry, but right now is not a good time to be seeking advise from Longhorn, for my thought process, in fact every synapse fireing throughout my medula oblomgata is directed solely on this quest..... to find the perfect beverage to serve for tonights meal....... chili with no beans, 2 year old fruit cake ( given to me by my Aunt Francis ), Green pepper stuffed Lucky Charms cereal, a bowl of cheese whiz sprinkled with pop rocks candy, and a fried head of lettuce.
Almost forgot Jassy. Since Longhorn wasn't able to answer your question, You and a guest win a all-expense paid 1 night, 3 day vacation to longhorn ranch. Don't nobody tell me Longhorns not a man of his word.
Longhorn
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Great Scott Longhorn,! you have answered me!. I have pondered on this meaningless question for too long.
My only two worldly questions were the meaning of life and what beverage to serve at every meal.
I thought beer was perfect with all things but now I stand amazed. What beverage would you serve with cuisine such as you described?
My whole mind has been refocussed, I feel reborn!
Not beer, wine? no , spirits? no. too mundane.
This deserves a special something, How about a Pangalatic Gargle Blaster? The effect of which is rumoured to be similar to been hit in the head with a gold brick wrapped in a dirty sock.
I will not take you up on invite, you have been a man of your word.
jassy
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Jassy!
At last! Longhorn has done something meaningful with his life!!!
LONGHORN!!! why not wash all that trash down with a glass of mud?? Oh my gosh!! I am almost speechless after knowing the things you eat!! Whoever heard of actually EATING your Aunt Francis' fruitcake!?!?!?!
Longhorn....you are messed up, dude...lay off the cheap Vodka!!
BTW Longhorn...Justin wanted me to tell you that he is very, very, very, etc... upset about what you said about Nick Saban!! BUT he doesn't have a comeback..yet...you see he wanted me to tell you that he is now on the JR Varsity FOOTBALL team at his middle school...he's not actually playing yet..he's equipment manager at the present, but the coach wants him to play! He is going to be a college player for the Crimson Tide and when he gets there he's coming to TX to kick butt!! hehehehe!! Same warning to the Miami Hurricanes!! so you guys only have 5 years to get your teams in shape!!! This year 8th grade.....soon....college! Look out Longhorn and Musicman Justin is growing up!!! hehe!! (This whole thing could change if he decides to play baseball! But he's still gunning for TX and FL!!)
Love you SOOOOO much!! hehe!
Kathy ;) seriously.....
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Niiny. Tell justin I'll pay him $100 to get a snapshot of Nick Saban scratching his butt while continuing to eat a bag of corn chips before washing his hands. Shouldn't be too difficult.
Longhorm
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How bout giving Justin a real challenge? After all, every time Nick Saban scratches his face, in reality, he is scratching his butt. See, that's because his brains are in his lower half. So the other half must be his butt.
A'ight.
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That's even better musicman. Saban just looks like a natural scratch -n - sniffer. I hope either Miama or Texas get's a shot at Bama this year.
Longhorn
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Attention : It saddens me to report that today is the last segment of Let's ask Longhorn. What's next for Longhorn? I've always wanted to open my own restaurant.
Longhorrn
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You two are a couple of sick individuals...for real!! You are making me laugh...Musicman...gross...Longhorn..grosser...Oh, heck you're both so gross I don't know who's worse!!! hehe! YUCK!! I'm telling Justin if he tries to outgross you guys I'm going to give him a spanking!!! :o :D
OMG!! Longhorn!! I will never eat in your establishment...unless I go to Burger King and eat it at your place!! Scary, just scary...that would give a whole new meaning to food poisoning!!!
I will miss your words of wisdom..........seriously.....
Kathy ;)
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WHAT?????? Longhorn doesn't want beans in his chili??????????
BUT, BUT, BUT, he loveth the experience!!!!!
Look you delerious, silvered tongued fox, it's cabbage not lettuce that gets fried!!!!!
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Musicman I don't feel a bit sorry for you! You know nothing about sore nipples!
I don't dare get graphic because we will all be gone!
i have been out of pocket for the last week, so i just saw your post judy. i can whole heartedly agree with you. oh the stories i could tell about having radiation on my left breast and all the wonderment of the changes one's breast goes through. so, musicman, be careful when complaining about your sore nipples. ;)
claudia
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adios "let's ask longhorn". it was fun while it lasted. perhaps you just need to rest your brain for awhile. you most likely have an overload signal going off in your motherboard. i would love to go to any restaurant you opened, just to see what the cuisine was like. then, maybe it would eat there. :D
claudia
ps: i just had a strange thought about a longhorn and musicman call in radio show, and what that would be like. surely that is a thought i must get out of my head. ;D