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=> Off Topic Discussions => Topic started by: Marky Mark on April 26, 2009, 10:57:06 PM
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Satan vists the church
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
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Okay that's it!!! I am on a mission (and I invite all women here to join me) to find every anti male-joke I can find on the internet! >:( >:( ;D ;D ;D ;D
Watch out guys.
Eileen
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Eileen,
Pardon me please I have a question.
How is it that everyone else recognized Satan when he appeared?
Had they seen him before?
Just really curious.
Bob
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We males are only expressing what is true and correct Eileen. No reason to surf the net and search for nasty rumours and yarns about about us. We have feelings you know.
Stephen
Haha!
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Stephen, please do not get me started again, I still have to live with that last retort I gave and I usually escalate. Judy
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Indianabob, Satan probably(for the sake of this joke) appeared with the horns and pitchfork dressed in red! Judy
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Mark and Stephen I must tell you about last night(remember I escalate) In 40 years of living in this big old barn which is across from the river we have had 2 mice (thank you, I am a good housekeeper) The second one I saw was last night. Now, I have a MAN for a husband(I'm traditional)and so when I hollered,"Bob, hurry come here" my knight slowly sauntered in and said in a condescending voice,"what". I pointed to the hall closet and yelled "mouse". Now remember this MAN cannot see 2 ft. in front of him(I figure I am helping him by expecting him to use what capabilities he has left) so, he got down on the floor and was going through the closet when the mouse darted out and ran into another room. I enquired about mouse traps and where did he put them from the last time. Of course HE did not know and HE did not know when HE could see either, this MAN never knew where anything was!!!! Now here is the ingenuity of MAN, Somehow HE made a piece of duck tape with the sticky side up and stuck it to the floor and laid a piece of cheese on it,(I am still shaking my head) I guess the mouse is supposed to stick to the tape while it is eating the cheese!!! If you want to hear my reply, please just ask me. Judy
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Mark and Stephen I must tell you about last night(remember I escalate) In 40 years of living in this big old barn which is across from the river we have had 2 mice (thank you, I am a good housekeeper) The second one I saw was last night. Now, I have a MAN for a husband(I'm traditional)and so when I hollered,"Bob, hurry come here" my knight slowly sauntered in and said in a condescending voice,"what". I pointed to the hall closet and yelled "mouse". Now remember this MAN cannot see 2 ft. in front of him(I figure I am helping him by expecting him to use what capabilities he has left) so, he got down on the floor and was going through the closet when the mouse darted out and ran into another room. I enquired about mouse traps and where did he put them from the last time. Of course HE did not know and HE did not know when HE could see either, this MAN never knew where anything was!!!! Now here is the ingenuity of MAN, Somehow HE made a piece of duck tape with the sticky side up and stuck it to the floor and laid a piece of cheese on it,(I am still shaking my head) I guess the mouse is supposed to stick to the tape while it is eating the cheese!!! If you want to hear my reply, please just ask me. Judy
Judy I have to tell you this. My husband is absolutely fearless unless the creature has more than four legs. We were talking to our africaans neighbour one day who we had allowed to plant an eggplant crop on part of our plot. We were out in the land and our neighbour said he was having problems with the guinea fowls scratching up the seedlings.
The africaans word for guinea fowl is tarantale. Which sounds very much like tarantula. Dave, being british and not fully versed in africaans started nervously looking around for big spiders.
I of course, immediately clicked what his problem was and started laughing. It escalated into hysteria as he nervously bade our neighbour goodbye and hotfooted it back to the house. I have never seen a 125kg man move that fast. I got a smack on the butt for my entertainment. He was really angry with me, but boy, was it worth it.
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Hi Jassy, I'm from South Africa and Afrikaans is like my second language. Give your neighbour a message from me and tell him "alles is lekker" here in South Africa. You can pronounce it "Alice is lacker" with a heavy emphasis on the r.... and the A in Alice is pronounced like the U in up. In Afrikaans "lekker" is the word used for anything that's very very nice.
By the way, I hope you haven't corrupted the couple. In South Africa the woman know their place.
Stephen
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Ok Steven, it is obvious to me that you are not married! You need to lighten up a little on us women. If you don't start seeing women in a more positive way you are going to end up a lonely, crusty, old man with no grandchildren to soften up your old age! ;D
Kathy ;)
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Hi Jassy, I'm from South Africa and Afrikaans is like my second language. Give your neighbour a message from me and tell him "alles is lekker" here in South Africa. You can pronounce it "Alice is lacker" with a heavy emphasis on the r.... and the A in Alice is pronounced like the U in up. In Afrikaans "lekker" is the word used for anything that's very very nice.
By the way, I hope you haven't corrupted the couple. In South Africa the woman know their place.
Stephen
Stephen. you misunderstand. I am a south african and my husband Dave is a permanent resident of SA. We live on a plot in Vanderbijlpark where the incident took place. He was a nice sweet british lad when he arrived here in his twenties.
He picked up all sorts of nasty habits from south african lads and now I am saddled with an oke.
I mean, hello! just because I am laughing hysterically at his paranoia of spiders in front of someone else, and then continued to do so for at least half an hour after he kept telling me to stop, does that warrant a swat on the bum? No and again I say no!
Yep, SA women know their place, and its generally far away from angry husbands.
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If you don't start seeing women in a more positive way you are going to end up a lonely, crusty, old man with no grandchildren to soften up your old age!
Only if he's lucky. ;)
Craig
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Okay that's it!!! I am on a mission (and I invite all women here to join me) to find every anti male-joke I can find on the internet! >:( >:( ;D ;D ;D ;D
Watch out guys.
Eileen
We will be ready, Eileen, because Hell hath no fury, ;), don't worry, this whole country is
becoming Anti Male, what else is new. ;D
Kind Regards, Samson.
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Ok Steven, it is obvious to me that you are not married! You need to lighten up a little on us women. If you don't start seeing women in a more positive way you are going to end up a lonely, crusty, old man with no grandchildren to soften up your old age! ;D
Kathy ;)
You're to late Kathy, I already have 6 grandchildren who have krept into my heart and softened it. The latest grandson is 6 weeks old. I haven't seen him yet as my son and his lovely wife (see how nice I can be) stay in Cape Town.
I'll give one pluss to you ladies - we men can't live without you, but we have to keep up the image.
Stephen
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Hi Jassy, I'm from South Africa and Afrikaans is like my second language. Give your neighbour a message from me and tell him "alles is lekker" here in South Africa. You can pronounce it "Alice is lacker" with a heavy emphasis on the r.... and the A in Alice is pronounced like the U in up. In Afrikaans "lekker" is the word used for anything that's very very nice.
By the way, I hope you haven't corrupted the couple. In South Africa the woman know their place.
Stephen
Stephen. you misunderstand. I am a south african and my husband Dave is a permanent resident of SA. We live on a plot in Vanderbijlpark where the incident took place. He was a nice sweet british lad when he arrived here in his twenties.
He picked up all sorts of nasty habits from south african lads and now I am saddled with an oke.
I mean, hello! just because I am laughing hysterically at his paranoia of spiders in front of someone else, and then continued to do so for at least half an hour after he kept telling me to stop, does that warrant a swat on the bum? No and again I say no!
Yep, SA women know their place, and its generally far away from angry husbands.
Sorry about that misunderstanding Jassy. It's good to know there are some more of us weirdos around. I stay out on the West rand, in Constantia park.
I can understand your husbands paranoia. "Souf Efrikin spaaiders can be veri wieshes". He could be suffering great trauma. You should repent of your actions, bake him a lovely cake and give him lots of love. Very biblical advice.
Stephen
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Craig, et tu Brute!!!!!! Judy
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Jassy, it is rare we get to laugh at the guys, their pride keeps them very controlled!!!! Very funny, if I had been there we would have laughed a good hour and peed our pants. Judy
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Stephen and Jassy, are South Africans from Holland or Sweden? That accent Stephen wrote sounds that way. My grandparents were from Belgium, they spoke Flemish. Judy
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Samson, women love men, we just don't understand them all the time, in fact, very little. I like a man who can laugh, take a joke, is secure, responsible, somewhat affectionate, thoughtful, and not too many bad habits and not take such offense as though we were criticizing you. We women always give back twice as much. It really is those little things. And we don't always want you guys to fix things or situations just hear us out. Women have a need to talk things out, we do not compartmentalize like you. Most everything is important to us. We are relationship bound mostly, so you are going to hear all about the kids, your mother, our friends, our mother, father, grandparents, ad nauseum. And we usually have about 10 things going at once. Take your complaints to the Lord, he made us this way. Love, Judy
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this thread is really starting to crack me up! ;D. as a woman, i side with the ladies. laughter and being able to laugh at oneself is a characteristic i find very appealing in men and in women. we women just seem to be able to laugh at ourselves without having to be concerned about what one thinks. i love judy's response of "take your complaints to the Lord, He made us this way". priceless stuff you guys!
claudia
p.s. i love men, even if they are from mars ??? :o
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Okay that's it!!! I am on a mission (and I invite all women here to join me) to find every anti male-joke I can find on the internet! >:( >:( ;D ;D ;D ;D
Watch out guys.
Eileen
ok fellas, i think eileen has kept her word :o, after reading through her new threads here. go eileen, go eileen, go eileen ;)
claudia
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Samson, women love men, we just don't understand them all the time, in fact, very little. I like a man who can laugh, take a joke, is secure, responsible, somewhat affectionate, thoughtful, and not too many bad habits and not take such offense as though we were criticizing you. We women always give back twice as much. It really is those little things. And we don't always want you guys to fix things or situations just hear us out. Women have a need to talk things out, we do not compartmentalize like you. Most everything is important to us. We are relationship bound mostly, so you are going to hear all about the kids, your mother, our friends, our mother, father, grandparents, ad nauseum. And we usually have about 10 things going at once. Take your complaints to the Lord, he made us this way. Love, Judy
Hey Judy,
Did you ever see the movie, Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. What kind of man are women looking for ?
Responsible-me, Secure-me, Affectionate-me, Thoughtfull-me, Humorous-me, Humble-me; This is a
Man your talking about, isn't it; ;D ;D ;D, ;)
A Man, but imperfect at best, Samson. ;)
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Judy and Samson,
Judy is correct, God made women the way that they are, so they can't help it if we find that challenging.
However, God also made men the way they are and you know how that works out.
So ladies, since you know that you're supposed to learn to deal with us and that you are the central figure in the home, what are you going to do about adjusting your training methods used on little boys? Hmmmm? ???
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Indianabob, what a question!! I do think we as women need to help a boy's vocabulary. Put names on feelings like, disgruntled, joyous, harmonious, afraid, bold, etc.. Then when they grow up maybe they will relate more what is going on with them. I try to tell my grandsons not to let anyone take their power. When they get all mad and angry and lash out I tell them that power is lost and then they have to be quiet for awhile to get it back. And if they hit someone (unless defending themselves) they are going to be in trouble and even then that they should be using their brains and not their hands. I don't moralize too much because I don't think it works as sometimes they just want to please me and I don't like that. Keep them busy in sports or whatever they like and accept them as who they are. And I tell them that no matter what God loves them but He will discipline them . Hug and kiss them a lot and tell them they are handsome and how to get along with girls. There is a book out written by a 10 yr. old boy who writes how to get along with girls, it is great. Buy it. Judy
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Samson, I am one to believe a personality can be developed. And yea, I saw Groundhog Day. I think that film is a great teaching film for men. A little adjustment here, a little adjustment there, etc. We want to be able to depend on you and we really don't want to run the show but, and this is a big one, we will if we have to. And then we get crabby when we are doing things we wish you would do. If every man would just ask once a day, "how can I help you honey" And don't be afraid of our outbursts as they are only cries for help. For your sake tell us we look good once in awhile, beauty is important to us. Just be aware of the little things we do for you as we really do love you guys. We are not that complicated, but we do stress easier. We are the weaker sex in that regard. If my husband would just say, "hey, we'll work this out together" well, then we usually go and do it ourselves. We want to lean on your strength though, undergird us and encourage us. We need you more than you think!! Judy
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Hi Judy, The africaans language is mostly from Dutch extraction. With a little french thrown in I think. I know dutch people just about understand me when I speak africaans even though there is very different accent.
And Stephen, U r veri funny hooman bean. "Souf Efrikin spaaiders can be veri wieshes" cracked me up. No, I did not bake my husband a cake as an apology. As this happened a few years ago I recall I appeased his hurt pride in a completely different fashion. Which by the way is also biblical ;D
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Lord Jesus help us all!!!
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Lord Jesus help us all!!!
peggy,
your post made me laugh out loud. i even scared the cat who was asleep next to me in the chair. absolutely loved it :D :D :D
claudia
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ez2u, that was the funniest of all!!!! Judy