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=> Off Topic Discussions => Topic started by: musicman on July 22, 2009, 07:57:16 PM
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Hi folks. I am starting a new company. No, not the Pet Seminary or Pet Cemetery thing. I'm still cleaning up from those disasters. I'm offering to sell what nobody actually has. Now make no mistake. The churchies think we already have it. But God never gave it to us. But now, Musicman's Oils of The Serpent Inc. can sell it to you. That's right forum members. You will now be able to be whatever you want to be. Say you want to be an Olympic athlete? You can be one. Say you want to be a pantie model or a rich gypsy that knows all? It can be yours. Or suppose you were born a psychotic A-hole and you want to be a saint so you can go to heaven and avoid the eternal burning? Done!! What is this gift that no man or beast has ever had?
A Free Will!!!
It's quite simple. Just call 1-800-NeedfulThings, and I will personally perform a ritual that will give you the ability to change your circumstances, heart and mind. Oh, and also your history. Because you can't have a free will if you can't control where u came from. This is an exciting opportunity and will last only until the Bureau of Misleading Marketing catches up with me (don't worry, they just want their free will for. . . . . .free. Ain't gonna happen). So call now. Because the more people tell you about god, the more eligible you become for eternal blow torch treatment.
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Hey Musicman, have you got Stephen King signed up yet?
Bluzman Tried to insert a smiley con but it ain't happenin'.
Maybe I need some of that kool-aid your drinkin' buddy!!
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I called that number, and was told it would cost me $3.00 for the first minute, and $1.50 for each additional minute to talk to a sexy, lonely lady in a bikini. I had already paid fifteen bucks before she let it slip that she was neither in a bikini, nor lonely, nor even a lady (say, that wasn't you talkin' to me then, was it musicman???)! Change my circumstances indeed.......I'm out fifteen bucks now!!!! I trust Oils of The Serpent Inc. is a reputable and honourable company that will mail me my refund within 5-7 business days.....right??? ;) :D
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Musicman, will you promise this one thing?? Please DO NOT USE THE SNAKE OIL ON YOURSELF!! Oh my gosh, if YOU ever changed, things around here would never be the same!! :o :D
Kathy ;)
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I called that number, and was told it would cost me $3.00 for the first minute, and $1.50 for each additional minute to talk to a sexy, lonely lady in a bikini. I had already paid fifteen bucks before she let it slip that she was neither in a bikini, nor lonely, nor even a lady (say, that wasn't you talkin' to me then, was it musicman???)! Change my circumstances indeed.......I'm out fifteen bucks now!!!! I trust Oils of The Serpent Inc. is a reputable and honourable company that will mail me my refund within 5-7 business days.....right??? ;) :D
I already performed the ritual on you. You actually wanted to talk to a bikini model on the phone. Next she will knock on your door. Aaaaaaaahhhh, It'll really be a bikini model, I promise. She may weigh 500 pounds but with Oils Of The Serpent Inc., your free will brings more than you ever asked for. Much more!!
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Thats sooooooo funny :)
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I already performed the ritual on you. You actually wanted to talk to a bikini model on the phone. Next she will knock on your door. Aaaaaaaahhhh, It'll really be a bikini model, I promise. She may weigh 500 pounds but with Oils Of The Serpent Inc., your free will brings more than you ever asked for. Much more!!
:o
Uhh.....hey....you know what? I....uhm....I couldn't possibly accept such a...uhm...such a *generous* offer! Why don't you just send me the $15.00 refund instead, and we'll call everything even, ok? Or better yet, why don't you keep that $15.00 as a donation. Every 'free will' teaching institution needs some cold hard cash to keep themselves going now and then, right? Afterall, if it's good enough for the churches, it should be more than good enough for Oils of The Serpent Inc.!
Besides, this wouldn't be the first time I was swindled out of some cash for some religious phooey. I'm still waiting for my magic fairy water from Peter Poppoff after sending him a donation; waiting for my sliver of wood that supposedly came from the cross that Jesus was crucified on; waiting for my new purple prayer napkin to come in after accidentally using my old one as a dust rag (and I haven’t been able to pray ever since….although I must say, my apartment is the cleanest it’s ever been!); plus I'm waiting for the millions of dollars to come my way after donating to Creflo Dollar's scam ministry, after he said that God wanted me to be rich (with money). So…sure…what's another 15 bucks down the toilet to another organization making grandiose promises of fame, fortune, and free will? I never liked spending money on food to survive anyways (all that chewing and sustaining oneself…..so overrated!).
:)
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Why are you complaining about the prayer napkin? You prayed for a clean house didn't you?
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Deftarchangel,
I'm still waiting for my magic fairy water from Peter Poppoff after sending him a donation; waiting for my sliver of wood that supposedly came from the cross that Jesus was crucified on;
... Thank God, He delivered us from all this bologna.
Mark 11:15-18 (New International Version)
15On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple area and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves, 16and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts. 17And as he taught them, he said, "Is it not written:"My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations? But you have made it 'a den of robbers'." "
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Normally musicman I would take up such a bargain offer like this in a second, but, alas for your company I already have a freewill, I purchased it from John Hagee ministries for $225 or a donation above $125 last year,with the credit card availilable opition of buy it now pay nothing till the Lake of God's Fire AS LONG AS YOU SIGN YOUR MORTGAGE OVER TO PASTOR HAGEE as I will be getting a mansion in heaven there was nothing to lose.
Perhaps you with your freewill should have though this deal over and counter acted over Hagee's freewill and cancelled his offer out, perhaps you still can as long as Hagee doesn't realise that you are doing so but then again he will using his freewill. Ummm... Have you got an offer on of just selling me a freewill that is internal so no one can tell I have one, that way I can do whatever I like and no one will ever know. The one I bought of Hagee ministries is faulty because I keep having to do what my wife says even though I don't want to, but if I don't things just get real nasty, is it possible she's been to Hagee and got some sort of upgrade delux model.
Please help me in my dilemma Musicman,
your sinnigcerely,
Jeetkunejimi .
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lol
;D
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Jeet, your wife has already purchased a free will from me. That is why she still rules over your every move. But now, Oils of The Serpent Inc. is offering the Free Will + package. With monthly installments of. . . .. .well, whatever you've got, I can not only give you a free will, I can supply a counter agent to take away the free will of anyone who stands in your way. Perhaps you've noticed that your wife now has the body of a 20 year old. That's because of her newly purchased free will. But with my special counter agent, she will still have that body from your perspective, but when she looks in the mirror she will see the ugliest sin ever to crawl out of the sea. That is unless she bows to your every free will demand. Also, if she continues to resist, from her perspective, you will look like the very person she begged for you not to trust, but did. That's right. You'll look like John Hagee giving an impassioned hell sermine. Only from her perspective though. That's how my free will + package works. You get whatever you want and take away what others want.
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Musicman...You get more strangely complicated as time goes by!! You must have reformulated the koolaid recipe!! I don't know how you did it, but dude it could be dangerous! Now not only are you tampering with nature..you're down right devious to boot!! hehe! Good work!! Beat 'em at their own game.... 8)
Kathy :D ;)
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Hi musicman
I find your analogy and humor clever, but the first time i started reading the first words of your post i really thought that you wanted to start a company. Free will is indeed impossible and stupid. I say that:
'Advertising as part of marketing' is like an intelligent crazy clown with a loudspeaker screaming random ideas on public and private places, screaming what their target audience want to hear in order to...
And 'Churches as part of marketing' also scream what their audiences want to hear in order to persuade them so that they can...Make money! and when they quote the bible;anything that these business mans say means very little! They are like annoying noisy kids dressed on fluorescent colors shooting words into the air, words that are too high for them to understand.
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Gee Musicman, now you know what you are!! "an intelligent crazy clown"!! All you need is the loud speaker!! hehehe!! :D
Kathy ;)
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Musicman you gotta be an alchoholic!!!! Judy
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Musicman,
you can fool some of the people most of the time, and you can fool all of the people anytime, but you can't fool most of the people everytime. See I know my stuff. I have just recently come back from hell, yes that's what I just said brother, Hell, the place of eternal anguish. I'm not kidding, I was in bed I remember the time because I always wake up at 3am to take my LSD with some koolaide, I noticed my 20yr old looking wife was a sleep so I took my drugs and tucked myself in with my hotty botty.
Suddenly I woke up screaming, sweat dripping from my every pore, fear gripped my very being, no one could help me. I soon realised I was in a cell of some kind the walls were strangly cold and icy, yet they were dripping with blood. I could sense the smell of rotten flesh and I began to hear the distant screams of people crying out for mercy and other's blasphemeing the name of God and Jesus and a few were calling Allah an idiot and a group nearby were calling out for their money back from the tickets they'd bought for Jacko's O2 gig's, I figured they had commited suicide there were smouldering sequined white gloves all around me.
Anyway I walked past all these people to where a man was calling my name, "Jeet!...Jeet!! He cried. As I approached I was uneasy but I soon took great comfort from the face I saw. It was Bill Weise. He was already in hell comforting the lost with asbestos blankets. He explained to me that God had let me in on the deal to join bill in raking it in from the sales of these blankets and the up and coming new range of cat suits that he said would revolutionise the suffering in hell to a mere feeling of being left in a sauna at a health spar over the weekend. So now with my freewill I'm tripping into hell with my good pal Bill every night and making big bucks, I mean me and billy boy are rolling in the Benjamins. Now with all this in mind I'm offering you musicman a one time cut in the deal if you can find a trade supplier of asbestos cloth.
What say you? There is some real action down here especially with all these warm skinned muslim types and all, they drive a hard bargin but me and Bill are still making a dollar on every blanket sold, and if you think that ain't much then you gotta get down here to see the market, there's trillions of em.
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Jimi,
You cracked me up!!! Hilarious!! :D :D 8)
Judy, guess what? Musicman is NOT an alcoholic...just a bit off center, but no alcoholic!! hehehe!!! :o
Kathy ;)
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Wow Jeet, how'd ya like my former place of employment? That's right. I worked in hell for nine years. Remember what I told the head of hell in a former post? And you saw Bill Weise there? Actually, that's probably his real punishment for making up that 23 minutes crap. He's been sentenced to the inner-city school that I used to work at. Surely demons are ripping his very soul right out of his dead carcass. Did you meet Church Lady yet? She was one them fire and brimstone ladies. She told of the horrors of not accepting christ and she used to shoot fire with a blow torch up the anuses of vocal sceptics. Yeah, that's hell alright. What'd you say about asbestos suits? You must a made those in the dungeon. That's that cold room up stairs where they told us not to go. I used to tell the really bad demons to go there when they were tearing me up. Instead, I went there often and inhailed deep breaths hoping for a quick demise. Didn't happen. Actually, I later learned that asbestos is made up of really tiny and sharp shards that over time do significant damage to the lungs. I knew about this damage. Unfortunatelly, I didn't realize how long it takes for the effects to take place. Damnit!! Oh well. Live and learn. . . . . . .For now. Say hi to that dragon lady that's in charge of hell.
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Judy, concerning Musicman, More than just a little off-center, I guess :-\
Kathy ;) :D
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Don't buy free will, people! It's got a catch!!! I had a free will (as a free trial!), but then I died, then I went to hell because I forgot to get water baptized! So I traded my free will with Musicman to get out of hell. I magically got out and managed to live a less-than perfect normal life... But it beats being eligible for hell! They make you choose between sticking your hand into a nest of scorpions or eating dog faeces, for all eternity! And for the reeeally unlucky ones who managed to land a cell next to Church Lady, they do blowtorch you and it's not pretty because the skin grows back. :B
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Oh my gosh!!! Musicman has turned everyone into raving loonies!! I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later!!! ;D ;D
Kathy :D ;)
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Folks, yous ain't gettin it. John Calvin taught us that we don't go to hell because we have a free will, but because we don't have a free will. Don't y'all know of his teachings? We are predetermined to either go to heaven or hell. That means we can never change this on our own and. . . . . .god ain't gonna change it. So we need a free will to make sure that we can counter god's "predetermination" clause. With 100% $$ down, u can have your very own free will to be exactly what you want to be. If you find that you ain't righteous with your free will, you don't have to die yet. Just live it up and when you get sick of life, just free will your self to love god and go to heaven. Free Will: The thing that's free but with Oils of the Serpent, ain't free.
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And for the reeeally unlucky ones who managed to land a cell next to Church Lady, they do blowtorch you and it's not pretty because the skin grows back. :B
And this is true according to one holy book.
4:56 Unbelievers will be tormented forever with fire. When their skin is burned off, a fresh skin will be provided.
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What they might say in the cell next to Church Lady...
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous".
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But it beats being eligible for hell! They make you choose between sticking your hand into a nest of scorpions or eating dog faeces, for all eternity! And for the reeeally unlucky ones who managed to land a cell next to Church Lady, they do blowtorch you and it's not pretty because the skin grows back. :B
Wait a minute.....THAT'S what hell is like??? That's no fun. If I had it my way, and I do because I have free will remember.....thanks to Oils of the Serpent Inc. (I expect my endorsement cheque in the mail musicman!), I'd much prefer to go to the hell depicted here. Remember....it's not God who you have to worry about. It's the guy in the red suit that you have to suck up to. No....not Santa Claus. The OTHER guy in the red suit!
Hmmmmmm......donuts!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3ZcZ2h4Ths
:)
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What they might say in the cell next to Church Lady...
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous".
It wouldn't help. Being able to coordinate both butt cheaks equally in order to hold them together wouldn't stop Church Lady's blow torch treatment. The fire will still enter Uranus.
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MUSICMAN!!! :o
Kathy ;)