bible-truths.com/forums

=> Testimonies / Prayer Requests / Fellowship => Topic started by: rrammfcitktturjsp on March 05, 2007, 01:20:00 PM

Title: In Pursuit of the Truth - Part II - Years 5-7
Post by: rrammfcitktturjsp on March 05, 2007, 01:20:00 PM

To All,

  As I left off yesterday, I realized while lying to go to bed that my first post in this topic was very deep and very revealing.  It also revealed to me that I have learned to let go and I can see progress made becuase of when I was writing it, I did not feel the feelings of bitterness and the "Why Me" God.  I believe that with Ray's explanation of why bad things happen to good and innocent people does good for me to hear.  I have wondered if God allows things to happen to us becuase he loves us and wants us to be the best that we can be for Him and it is impossible to do that without the trial and tribulations thrown our way.  Ahhhh, I digress.  To continue yesterday's story.

  Remember I was already put in a residentail hospital up here in Lubbock.  To date the facility is closed for unknown reasons to me.  I am having a hard time tracking down where these records are, but I am looking as a clue as to what happened in those years from a clinical point of view.  Anyways my younger brother Adam was put in the same facility as me.  I cannot remember how long we were there, but I remember often fighting with the other kids and making their lives misearble.  I remember not being able to trust anyone, especailly those who were kind to me or to my brother, becuase my adoptive parents were often "Kind" or tried to make it up when the abuse happened.  Enter skepticism into my life. 

  I do not remember much of that year except that Adam and I were separated.  He went into foster care homes, and I went to an facility in Abilene that was a residential psychiatric unit for children and teenagers.  I remember more of this year.  I believe this happened when I was late 5 years of age or early 6 years of age.

  At this facility now separated from my younger brother, all hell broke loose.  I remember many days and nights spent in an isolation room.  I remember just crying and screaming while banging my head against the wall.  I remember being in trouble so much.  I was very alone and very abandoned, looking back there were many adults who cared about me but I did not trust them.  Out of all the poeple there, I remember forging one friendship and that was with a teenage girl.  I remember she would do nothing when my tirades would start but simply be there for me.  The younger kids were separated from the older kids, but we were allowed to associate with eachother and pursue the relationship.  I think it is becuase I had not friends in my peer group and trusted no one.  I remember starting kindergarden or pre-k and those days were full of trouble.

  Sometime as time passes, I was allowed to visit Adam in his foster care hone in Abilene.  From what has been discussed, it was a very stressful time for all involved.  I caused trouble for all of Adam's foster care family, aligning myself with noone but Adam.

  Well in time and in the ensuing years I learned I was too out of control for foster care family and that was why I was in a residentail program.  I realized that I did take the first five years very hard.  During this time, my music was continued very sporatically.  I would sit or stand at the piano and cry, but once I could get into my music, I was happy.  Ergo, I began to learn at an early age that music was an acceptable way to relieve and to escape the world.  I remember many times just being in awe of the music and crying like a banshiee when it was time to put the piano up.  The folks at the facility realized what this was and allowed me to spend as much time as I wanted doing my music.  I learned that it was pleasant to be alone and not to depend on other non-trustable human beings.  I learned that nothing gave me so much joy than to do my music at this early age.

  I just realized that I should have written this in the least thread, but it fits well into this thread.  When my adoptive parents realized I had a talent for music, what they did was find another excuse to abuse me.  As much as I was hit on and beat on for all my mistakes in music, by every right I should have related music with abuse and should hate it with a passion, but for some prevailing and weird reason, I do not hate it.  IN fact to this day, when I need sweet release from the world, I go and find it in my music and there I find the Presence of God, but more of this later when it gets time for that thread. 

  I am glad that music woud serve as a buffer and in my salvation so to speak <I promise wait for the end and you will see why I phrased that as that>  I belive had I not had my music, I would not have been able to relate to God.  All this will make sense later on.

  Well at the end of my sixth year, I was told that I was going to be adopted.  When I learned this, I turned even more hostile and vindictive.  Many of the last nights were spent in the isolation room.  I could not understand why this was happening and all I felt was fear.  Many, many times, the folks down there tried to reassure me that I would be okay.

  Looking back knowing what I know now, I realize that the next phase had to happen in my life.  I am very aware that I was a ward of the state as well as Adam.  And we were in the batch that were designated as hard-core cases and probably hopeless cases as well.  The chance of us not getting adopted were very real, and the fact that we were adopted is amazing.  I have not gone after the CPS records regarding myself, becuase I feel I need to heal a little more before I go and find this out. 

  I remember being taken to the mall at Abilene the day that I was supposed to meet my new adoptive Mom and we went to buy a rose or a carnation.  We finally bought a carnation.  I remember being taken back to Woods and seeing my Mom and my new older brother for the first time, saying a nice and colorful expletive.  I remember seeing her, and instantly thinking about my first adoptive mom, and immediately I began to distrust and hate her there right on the spot, even before any words came from her mouth.  At this time, I was not aware that they had adopted Adam my younger brother.

  I remember the long drive back to Brownfield Texas from Abilene Texas.  There I was to live until I was 19 years of age.  This is perhaps the longest phase of my life, but it is filled with many mini phases that must be addressed.

  When I walked into my new home, I saw the Christams Tree that was up and all the things related with Christmas.  I learned later that they had left all the deocrations up for me.  I remember meeting my new adoptive father, but then all was lost, when I realized that there was a piano, and I felt a little relief.

  That first meal, I could not eat, and I remember trying to wheedle my way into getting desert, much to say the least I threw my first fit.

  I was tucked in and the next morning, we were going to Tres Ritos New Mexico.  Our grandparents had a cabin up there, and it was my birthday or January 1st.  It was close, becuase we celebrated my birthday up in Tres Ritos.  I remember waking up my new adoptive father by sitting on his chest and screaming "I'm sustaining You."  This was becuase I was often restrained in the past two years, and it may have made such an impact on me for to do this to my new adoptive father the second day I was with them.

  And so we leave off this narrative.  Keep in mind that I did not trust any of these people and that I hated them from the get go.

  [NOTE:  God was introduced in Woods, but I just was too young to understand any of it.  I would receive a formal discussion of God in my new parents house.]

  The next phase we will cover is half of the elementary years grades K-2 as there were many things that happened that would define who I would become.

  Thanks for letting me share these things with you, and I am glad that there may be some out there with a similar background that can be blessed.

  May God bless You and Yours.

  Sincerely,





  Anne C. McGuire

 

Title: Re: In Pursuit of the Truth - Part II - Years 5-7
Post by: Deborah-Leigh on March 05, 2007, 05:35:18 PM

Hello Anne

Is it not wonderful that Our Lord pre-ordained all the pain, suffering and untimately the victory as you share in His suffering that He experienced. He made you take up your cross from the word GO as you entered life and He is your author and finisher of your faith!

It is so extraordinary that we have such painful pasts and such mind boggling experiences!....I am glad you are still here!..... 8)

Peace to you

Arcturus :)

Title: Re: In Pursuit of the Truth - Part II - Years 5-7
Post by: gmik on March 05, 2007, 10:44:38 PM

I hope the writing (and re living) will bring you peace & joy.

It is so very interesting to learn about you.

I even feel for your 1st adoptive parents.  They were in Gods will also.  (even tho that blows my mind)

Looking forward to next installments as the Lord leads you.

Title: Re: In Pursuit of the Truth - Part II - Years 5-7
Post by: Jackie Lee on March 05, 2007, 11:49:08 PM

Wow that is something Anne I will be anxious to hear more. :'(
It amazes me really how I look at everyone differently now.
When I see someone that is struggling I think to myself this will strengenth your character.
Anne I really can't wait to hear more. :)

Title: Re: In Pursuit of the Truth - Part II - Years 5-7
Post by: rrammfcitktturjsp on March 06, 2007, 12:07:41 AM

Gena,

  I am glad that God finally allowed me to share my testimony.  I have enjoyed reliving and writing about this.  I have wondered in the past year if I have made any progress, and I am finding out that I have indeed made progress.  Thanks for your kind words.

Jackie Lee,

  Trials bring about good things, though they are not a good thing to go through LOL.  I will post later Part IV tomorrow. 

  Sincerely,




  Anne C. McGuire

 

Title: Re: In Pursuit of the Truth - Part II - Years 5-7
Post by: hillsbororiver on March 08, 2007, 05:21:45 PM

Anne,

It is clear to see why you did not trust anyone, especially adults. To have all the things you experienced by 5 or 6 years old is just incredible. So many children who have been traumatized as much as you were are never able to have a healthy relationship with anyone, ever.

You got to see close and up front the imperfection that we all carry to some degree, this usually comes much later and in smaller revelations not in the landslide that was your early life. Most of us grow through our very early years believing adults know it all, especially our parents, the love, guidance and security most of our mothers and fathers provide is like another womb we are in that protects us from the hostile outside world, you never really had that.

His Peace and Comfort to you Sister,

Joe 

Title: Re: In Pursuit of the Truth - Part II - Years 5-7
Post by: Bev on March 08, 2007, 05:52:32 PM

I have to say amen to this.

Quote

I have wondered if God allows things to happen to us becuase he loves us and wants us to be the best that we can be for Him and it is impossible to do that without the trial and tribulations thrown our way.

You've probably heard this, "I once heard said that time is the crucible in which God fashions, forms, and molds us.

God is getting us ready for eternity. Sometimes if you're lucky (I hate to use that word), I believe He'll give you a sneak peek into it behind the scenes into eternity.

The scenes aren't about the lights, camera and actors. It's not even about the directors. I don't even think they're about the producers. But, I tell you one thing I believe, it's all about THE AUTHOR.

Hebrews 12:2 - Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Nowadays, everybody wants their own glory. They want to take you behind the scenes. The directors and producers, everybody's competing. I believe you take away from the Movie when you show so much behind the scenes. But everybody's seeking their own glory today, and it's taking away from everything.

Anyway, I know I'm stretching it a little here. Jesus will some day get all the glory.   

Title: Re: In Pursuit of the Truth - Part II - Years 5-7
Post by: rrammfcitktturjsp on March 13, 2007, 09:08:50 AM

Joe,

  "Most of us grow through our very early years believing adults know it all, especially our parents, the love, guidance and security most of our mothers and fathers provide is like another womb we are in that protects us from the hostile outside world, you never really had that."

  How that sounds lovely.  I look at my son and watch him grow and play everyday, and smile.  I am so thankful that I have made it out of what I have overcome, and wish for my little pride and joy the best childhood that I and David can give him.  It is a wonderful thing to carry a beuatiful baby in the womb and then raise that child.  I have a confession to make, I have pride <grins> and I am indulging in it <WEG>.  And I do suppose pride goeth before a fall, becuase this little one is trying to stand on his own and he falls hard.  Poor tike.

Bev,

  Ahhh, Jesus gets the glory today, but Most of the world does not know it.  <shhh, don't burst their bubble> <smiles>

  Sincerely,



  Anne C. McGuire

Title: Re: In Pursuit of the Truth - Part II - Years 5-7
Post by: hebrewroots98 on March 17, 2007, 09:35:36 PM

Yes, Anne, most of us live in our families believing that our parents are gods!  YOUR  baby David looks at you as such and he will  continue to do so until you show him that you are fallable and that GOD is the true GOD!  You have many more 'landmarks' so to speak to get baby David to pass in order to get past the stages that so harmed your young little life :D

 :'(Just hold onto your hearts everyone...there is more to come :-X :-X

Title: Re: In Pursuit of the Truth - Part II - Years 5-7
Post by: rrammfcitktturjsp on March 18, 2007, 06:20:02 PM

Susan,

  I am so blessed that I will get to share with my little one about God.  I also know that eventually he will learn Mommy and Daddy makes mistakes, but no matter what we love him so much and would give our lives for him, if it was required.  I want him to never to question our love for him, and what an awesome spring board this will vault him into a greater understanding about how much God loves him.  If he knows we love him through and through, then God's love will be special indeed for him, and I wish this is something that I had growing up.

  I am so blessed, that David and I have been called to break family cycles, and everyday is a struggle, but the battles are so bittersweet, but in the end, I know who will win and I know that no matter what my son does, we will be together in eternity, and of this I am so thankful.

  Sincerely,




  Anne C. McGuire