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=> Testimonies / Prayer Requests / Fellowship => Topic started by: Shmeggly on July 12, 2007, 12:01:49 AM

Title: My own private hell
Post by: Shmeggly on July 12, 2007, 12:01:49 AM

I wasn't going to post about this, because I am paranoid about people from the area I live in finding out about this forum, and knowing who is posting this.  But really, why do I care?

I have struggled my whole life with Christianity; could never live the life.  Alot of you maybe have felt like this.  Never felt like a Christian, never felt like God cared at all, except to be angry with me, and just waiting to send me to Hell.  Had nightmares about hell and the rapture as a kid up until maybe 4 years ago (38) ....and I am talking about nightmares, not bad dreams.  Never felt like reading the bible, or praying really.  Had to force myself to.  Didn't care if anyone ever got saved or not. 

My wife has been questioning Christianity for I guess a long time, yet I was the one raised and indoctrinated in it...she wasn't.  But we both have been questioning things for a couple years at least.  I knew I couldn't lead the life that was "required"....and I just felt like something was missing/wrong. 

I stepped down from being a board member, then eventually stepped down from worship ministry.  We no longer believed in hell, tithing etc...so church quickly became more irrelevant....when the last sermon "seemed" to be designed and preached right at my wife, we left the church for good. 

So....everything a bed of roses?  Not even close....

My wife and I have struggled our whole marriage, and having four kids, moving lots, in debt, homeschooling on top of all the other stress just was too much.

My wife (and I) both started drinking again....but she started going out, and then staying out all night without me.  She wanted to pierce her nose, get a tattoo, and not be told what to do.  We have been married for 18 years and things were just getting worse and worse.  She became more distant, and the more I asked her to not go out, the more she wanted to.  It and our arguing put stress on the kids, and they started acting out and having problems....I won't go into detail, but it was hurtful.

Then one day about 3 months ago, I phoned my wife when she had stayed out overnight drinking at a friends....and she told me she couldn't take it anymore and was leaving me....WHAM!!!  Talk about having your guts ripped out!  She has told me she is indifferent to me, and doesn't love me anymore. 

I stopped drinking that day, because I realized I was drinking because I was miserable over her, and that I was trying to go along with her.  But I didn't want to. 

My wife is like a totally different person now (not in a good way-like I don't know her).  This is the hard part: I know that she is suffering not only from the stress she has had to endure in our marriage, but also from an extremely traumatic past.  The only way she was able to cope so long, was that she is an extremely strong person.  I am not going to go into detail, but I believe the stress just built up until something "snapped" so to speak, and the past has come up because it was never dealt with.  And what do the churchianity people say?  "Stick it out, it will all be ok....everybody hits rough spots....just tough it out etc etc."  "God wants you to stay" (stay when it she feels wounded and hurt?) blah blah...
 
She needs real help.  I have prayed so much I thought my head would explode.  I feel like David....my tears were my bed or whatever....I went to bed praying and crying, woke up in the middle of the night praying and crying, and woke up in the morning praying and crying.  I felt like I wanted to die, and still do some days....not wanting to hurt myself, just not wanting to live with the pain....there is a difference. 

We are still in the same house, due to financial reasons....it's funny because we can talk, and get along, even laugh together....and I know she is not indifferent but scared....but she wants to just get away and be on her own.  She did not want to admit anything was wrong, other than I was the problem, but finally she admitted about the past....but it hasn't changed anything.  We are still on the road to seperate lives, and our children are hurting and we are hurting beyond belief. 

I had a screwed up childhood where I had alcoholic parents with violence in the home.  They split, and we were taken away from them and put in foster homes when I was about 6....we were all adopted when I was 7.  Life sucked, and we did not grow up loved or normal.  That is my feeling about that...

I tell you this because that was nothing compared to now, this is the worst thing that has ever happened. 
And for anyone who may be reading this who may know me or my wife....wipe the smug look off your faces....I thought everything was fine until the bottom fell out....so don't be so judgemental....the divorce rate in the church is the same as outside of it.  Some people have been really understanding, and I'm sure some have judged us..."they left the church, no longer believe in hell and LLOOKK WHAT HAPPENED TO THEMMMMM!!!!" 
People still don't understand that my wife has no choice in how she's acting, she is a wounded soul that desperately needs healing.  I didn't understand then what I know now, if only I had realized it was still there after all these years. 
Anyway....most people I know are absolutely miserable, they are NOT happy....I see non Christians being more free and happy than most if not all of the christians I know....that's what I have the biggest problem with.  And I have dared question God...."why am I serving You?"  We are always told that "they" will want what we have....well if any non Christian looked at my life, why the hell would they want anything I have?  I have no joy, no peace, no happiness....

Today is one of my "special" days....I am not doing so well, and feeling sorry for myself.  Some of you may say that I am not even "saved", or that I am carnal or whatever.  So be it.  I'm trying, and I am wounded, so please cut me some slack.  I think I cope quite well most days.  I want to be useful, and I want to encourage others, I am so sick of hurting.  Sorry for the long post, or if it isn't appropriate to this forum.  I know I am not myself today....

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: ciy on July 12, 2007, 12:21:19 AM

Shmeggly

I am humbled by your post.  I will not attempt to offer advice, but I want you to know that I am praying for you to have strength and courage to trust God and that you will meditate on his word day and night that you might get the peace that comes from doing according to His word so that then your way will be made properous and then you will have success. (Joshua chap 1)

Focus on God
CIY

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: LittleBear on July 12, 2007, 12:54:19 AM

Dear Shmeggly,

God bless you for your courage and honesty in posting about your struggles. Problems in marriage and interpersonal relationships have a way of ripping our very being from the inside out. I will pray for you that you will endure this wilderness and come out stronger because of it. Keep focusing on God and go on even if you feel you cant.

Love in Christ,

Ursula

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: GODSown1 on July 12, 2007, 01:09:45 AM

Hey shmeggly,
                 its jus so funny, well if u could call it d@, But Ive jus found my bagz, az in been kickd owt!! :) , & everyfing urve posted jus soundz so much like wots happening 2 me & my life right @ dis moment, dis Very moment. So blieve me dude I no xactly hw ur feeln, But! dude all im gunna do is Trust in the LORD! az HE ( blieve it) is in Control!!!!. I blieve We just hav 2 hav Faith!!, everyfing u hav posted is me 2 a Tee & my life Hardowt!!, & I no wot ur sayn wen U say Ur better off dead But! not 2 wanna kill urself, Brother all I can say is ill Pray 4 U & I ask 4 ur Prayz 4 me in return :), GODBlesS! U brother, b strong ma brother.
                 much muchLOVE!! Pera

ps. & I ask 4 every1z Prayz 4 us both :) PeacE!!! :)

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Dean Peterman on July 12, 2007, 08:43:34 AM

Dear Shmeggly,

Your honesty will help a lot of people including myself.  It is my personal belief that we are all partly responsible for the pain in other peoples life.  How many times in my own life have I been judgemental or unkind to someone.  It may have been someone that was suffering with the kind of pain you have.  You have inspired me to be a more loving person. 

Sincerely,

Dean

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: eggi on July 12, 2007, 08:59:43 AM

Dear Shmeggly,

I don't know you personally, but I want to say that your post touched me. You have done a very brave thing by sharing your innermost feelings and experiences with us.

My best advice to you is to not bother at all about the people in your church who are "looking down" on you. You already have enough problems, don't let that be another concern for you.

I'll pray for you and your family.

God bless you,
Eirik

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Redbird on July 12, 2007, 10:47:54 AM

Dear Schmeggly,

My prayers are with you.  It sounds like midlife CRISIS also to me, which affects everyone in the family.  Be strong, ecspecially for your children.  And may God be with you through this most difficult time.

Lisa

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: LittleBear on July 12, 2007, 11:37:26 AM

Hi Pera,

You are a lovely person, brother. My heart goes out to you and I will pray for you too. I find Job really knows how to describe how he feels to God. Sometimes I will read his descriptions to God and say to God, "Yes, this is exactly how I'm feeling right now." When I can't find the words, Job says it for me.

Job 30:27, 28  My heart is in turmoil and cannot rest; days of affliction confront me. I go about mourning, but not in the sun; I stand up in the congregation and cry out for help.

Love,

Ursula

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: GODSown1 on July 12, 2007, 12:17:13 PM

Hey Thanks so much Ursula,
                                    Thank U so much 4 ur kind words & dem scriptures frm Job, GODBless U & b wit U alwayZ!!!! I so Love dis family in dis hea Forum, Thank YOU FATHER.
                                     muchLOVE!! Pera

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: gmik on July 12, 2007, 01:13:52 PM

I cannot add to the above posts, but Smeggly & Pera, you are loved by us and will be in our prayers.

Everything on this forum is talking about THIS.  Coping w/ what life throws at us.  Trusting God to make sense out of it all.

Know that you are being prayed for and thought of.

Thank you both so much for sharing w/ us.

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: pylady on July 12, 2007, 01:50:02 PM

Shmeggly,

My heart goes out to you and my prayers are for you and your family.  Growing up in a family where there was much drinking and ill feelings, arguments and even violence I understand how the stress can seem almost unbearable.  Sometimes all we can do is pray and cry out to the Lord.

God has given you a heart of understanding toward your wife, even though she has hurt you so deeply.  You said she can't help the way she is acting, and that she is a wounded soul who desparately needs help.  You said that you still talk and laugh.  It seems you are a real friend to her in spite of everything.  I pray that when she realizes she is on a destructive road, and she needs a friend she will turn to you.  Perhaps then you could help her find some help.  AA has been a  blessing for many people cursed with alcohol addiction, some psychiatric counseling, even medication for a time.  Of course our best healing comes from the promises in God's word.

  Rev 21:4 "and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall
  longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain
  the first things have passed away."

Meanwhile try to be strong for yourself and your children.  In my humble opinion the best thing we can do in a terrible situation in addition to praying and crying out to the Lord, is to remember that all this is temporary.  We must endure it for awhile, but we must keep our eyes on the wonderful future that God has promised us, and even in terrible stressful times like this try to find some consulation and joy in it.

Please understand I am not trying to minimize your suffering.  I'm just saying at times like these we especially need to think of the hope ahead.

May God be with you and your family.

With Christian Love,

            Cindy

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: UncleBeau on July 12, 2007, 01:53:43 PM

Dear Shmeggly,

I am one that I can say that I know what you're going through. I know you're suffering. I did too. your wife HAS to go through what she's going through right now. God can NOT change His plan just because you might not accept it. It took me almost four years to come to that truth....and my ex wife...her pain and suffering is very apparent these days. I wish that I could have changed her or helped in some kind of way, but God has a better way. Remember Jesus came for the LOST sheep. She's lost. You at least know where to go to get sound advice. I'm not telling you this to sound mean in any way. We love you just like we do her. I'll just say this though....Get ready to open your eyes more every day, because God's got a bumpy ride ahead prepared for you with better rewards than you can imagine!

your friend,

-Beau

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: pylady on July 12, 2007, 02:10:24 PM

Pera,

You always sound so happy and upbeat.  Who would have thought you're going thru such terrible times!  You have such a wonderful attitude even though you must really be hurting inside.  I wish I could be more like you in dealing with my problems!

I pray that God will give you wisdom to deal with your situation and a good outcome.  Again, sometimes it seems like the hope God has given us is all we have left.  But what a wonderful hope!
    Rev 21:4 "and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall
     be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying; neither shall there be any
     more pain; for the former things are passed away."

I know I'm repeating myself, but I just love that scripture!  Imagine in God's Kingdom there will never be any reason to cry!  We will have the happiness we all want but is so illusive in this life!

May God be with you and comfort you.

with Christian love,

           Cindy

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: carol70 on July 12, 2007, 02:11:36 PM

Shmeggly,

My heart goes out to you.  I am going through a very similar trial right now and all we can do is keep trusting God to turn things around for us.

Proverbs 3:5  Trust in Jehovah with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:6  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

I hold on to those verses for dear life.

I pray for you, your wife, and your children.

Pera, my prayers go out to you as well.

God bless you,
Carol

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Shmeggly on July 12, 2007, 02:36:39 PM

Wow....I am overwhelmed by the responses to this....I am humbled by the caring that is evident.  And so much of what everyone said here is true; and much appreciated.

Pera, I am so sorry for what you are going through, my heart hurts for you too....I will pray for you.  It seems this sort of thing is happening alot to people....I don't know if I really know 1 couple that is actually happy....

 I know deep inside that this is supposed to happen, if that makes sense.  I want to fight against it of course, and say "why me?"  "it's not fair" etc etc. 

I know that already through this I am becoming a different person, and am being molded and shaped into someone or something else.  I know that this is good for my wife too, because I believe that this had to come out and be exposed....the past hurt etc.  It hurts though to think she might go through life wounded, when I know she is so fixable, for lack of a better word.  That isn't the best way to describe it, but she is so desperately needing to be healed and made whole.  I am praying for that....

For the record, the alcohol is not a problem; she is hardly even having a drink anymore.  That doesn't mean she won't go out or something....alcohol was a way of medicating her pain....and still is.  The whole going out was an escape, because the house and the rest of us represented stress, and that brought up the pain....and I am a representative of that pain....this may not make sense, but I just don't want to reveal too much (like I haven't already!)

Thank you so much for your support, I hope this could help someone in some way; it helped me just to type it out.  And it lets you know where I am at, and where I am coming from. 

Even today, when my emotions are right on the surface and don't feel very "up", I saw an older man in a wheelchair, and his older wife was helping him sit in it, and he almost fell.  I was instantly on my feet without thinking,  and on my way to help....but he made it safely into the chair.  I realize how much I want to help people; how much I still care.  I know it's easy to focus on ourselves; when we focus on others, it seems to put things in a different light.  I don't know...

The hard thing is she is so adamant of our seperating and it being permanent; I know she sees me as a threat, because even in the past she said I was the one with the potential to hurt her the most emotionally.  I know God is working things out, but I still have a hard time thinking that broken homes are his plan....forgive my lack of understanding. 

You don't know what it means for everyone of you who wrote something on here....thank you for your caring and support....J

And I know that some of you if not most of you are going through your own trials; some of them probably a lot worse than what I'm facing.  Know that I care about what happens to you as well, and yes, deep down, I know God has a plan for all of us, and He's making people that will oneday maybe be capable of handling some responsibility in His kingdom....that's my thought anyway....

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: GODSown1 on July 12, 2007, 10:24:35 PM

I jus Thank the LORD,
                            4 u All & all ur mighty upliftn comments, Yea Gena it is not 4 us 2 understand but 2 jus xsept! muchLOVE!! sister, & yep Cindy u r ryte, But! wot i hav learn't is its not wot goes in d@ really matters its wot cumz owt! Thank u so much 4 ur kind & az Ive sed very upliftn comments, I can neva stop sayn hw much Ive cum 2 Love Uz All in dis forum Thank YOU FATHER! dey r all Amazing!!, Big! Hugz & kisses 2 U all n CHRIST JESUS, Peace!!.
                             muchLOVE!! Pera

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: skydreamers on July 13, 2007, 02:24:29 AM

Hi James and Pera,

My heart goes out to you guys.  Situation like yours are truly tragic, especially when children are involved, and it's obvious that both of you are loving men who want to do what's right for your families.  My prayers are with you both.

Jesus sermon on the mount comes to mind.  These are truly mysterious words of Jesus, because they go against everything that is carnal in us:


Blessed are those who mourn...
Matthew 5:4

I have read that and thought, "Excuse me?"  When you look up how "blessed" is defined, here is what it says:

* supremely blessed, fortunate, well-off, happy

I am sure neither of you would say you feel like this right now...but Jesus assures us that you are blessed in your mourning....why?

...for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4

There is something about situations like these in which Jesus can reach down and comfort us in the deepest depths of our souls.  So you ask, how can he comfort? 

Are you not the greatest comfort to others, when they know you yourself have been there, completely understand what they are going through, and so are not alone in their pain?

Are you not the greatest comfort to someone when you identify with their pain? 

If you are in emotional pain, so is your Creator.  Not just in the sense that He's been there, done that....but He IS there, right there with you, in the depths of your pain...in fact, it is my deepest sense that any of our pain is no match for the suffering of our Father.

I do not believe that it is the Father's ultimate will that we should suffer through broken relationships, but it is His temporary will, as it is necessary to get us to where we are going and to teach us by experience the very depths of God...who is suffering at present through more broken relationships than our Father??

The brokeness you feel for your wives and children in the suffering they go through is only the slightest inkling of what a purely loving Creator feels for His creation, and in this, is there not comfort? 

When I have been in pain, my truest friends have been those who cried with me, and in this there is a strange kind of comfort, because we all carry the baggage of a million hurts as we struggle through this life.  And so there is unity and purity, there at that place of mourning....a place of comfort.  God is there with you, not just as a Father patting you on the shoulder saying "there, there", but as a friend saying, "I weep with you, your pain is mine..."

So, if we look down at the face of our Savior, who is washing OUR feet, and who is weeping over the brokenness of OUR relationship with Him, our hearts can go out to Him...if we can see that His pain is greater than ours...would not this move our hearts to....want to comfort Him...and this changes our hearts...melts our hearts...causes us to want to give all of our hearts to Him, who is suffering...

I think that is why Jesus says:

Matthew 25:35-40
For I was hungry and you gave ME food, I was thirsty and you gave ME drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed ME
I was naked and you clothed ME, I was sick and you visited ME, I was in prison and you came to ME.
...Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to ME.

To the carnal, it is a contradiction, to the spiritual it is poetry, to the heart it is comfort...

Much luv and respect to both of you,
Peace,
Diana

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: GODSown1 on July 13, 2007, 04:05:09 AM

Diana wow!,
              U neva sies 2 Amaze! mE wit ur GOD given gift of great knowledge of rightiousnesS alwayz U say such comforting wordz, & alwayz da right 1z 2 :), GOD so has BlesSed U gurl lol! :), & az U c urVe put a big grin on ma face :D, GODBlesS! U ma sister in CHRIST JESUS.
              muchLOVE!! Pera

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Robin on July 13, 2007, 07:58:18 AM

Hi Shmeggly and Pera,

My heart goes out to you. I've been through some heartbreaking times with my son's alcoholism. I've also been shown truth that had to be shown to me through pain.

I remember one night. My son was just out of rehab and was wonderful and sober for 3 months. He was living with me at the time. He started drinking one night and became violent. I had to lock him out of the house. I called the police and they wouldn't do anything. It was freezing outside and raining and my son was out there in the cold. He kept knocking on the door and I couldn't let him in. I was so afraid he would die that night. I felt so guilty I turned my heater off because I should be cold too if he was so cold.

I sat in my kitchen in the cold praying for my son and praying that he would live through the night. My heart hurt so terribly bad that I felt something inside me just shut down. It hurt to the point that my heart just turned off. I felt a peace after that and felt God's love. I thought of Jesus and for the first time thought of the Father and thought of what he must have gone through watching his only son suffer. I started thinking of how little I knew about the Father and then I saw great truth. If you have seen me you have seen the Father. My heavenly Father revealed a little of himself to me that night when I was sitting in my kitchen in overwhelming emotional pain. I would never have known that without the painful experience my son and I went through that night.

My son lived through the night. I handed him a cup of coffee and a couple of sandwiches in the morning and sent him on his way. I could tell you 20 years worth of stories like that one. My son is doing well for now, but I just take it a day at a time. God is working in his life and in my life and we are not in control.

I was taught the greatest truths through the worst pain imaginable. If I could go back and change it I wouldn't. There was irreplaceable treasure in years of emotional pain. I didn't know that at the time. Keep seeking God. He knows what he is doing and it is all in his control and all for our good. He changes the desire of our heart to seek him above all else. He will drive everything out that stands in the way if we are chosen. He will become the only desire of our heart. It's a painful process with fiery trials.

Hugs,
MG

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: GODSown1 on July 13, 2007, 10:03:17 AM

THANKS 4 d@ MG,
                       d@ was Orsum! it was Amazing actually, hw out of all d@ GOD revealed His pain! HE goes thru & has been thru, man! I Loved d@ sO much Thanks so much 4 sharing MG Thank YOU FATHER. And U r right 2 MG wen U look bak U wuldnt change n e fing, d@ is sO right az it is AlL the FATHER preparing uS 4 bigga & better fingZ! GODS WilL b done, alwayZ has & alwayZ! Will. I Pray MG GOD keeps U & ur son safe & true! in HIS Word! az I c U hear HIS voice az many in dis forum do.
                        muchLOVE!! Pera
                         

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: carol70 on July 13, 2007, 10:37:58 AM

Diana and MG,

I was very humbled by you both.  For the first time I was truly able to look past my own pain and get a glimpse of what it was like for God to watch his son suffer.  Through all of my trials, I never considered that He was suffering right along with me, and that my suffering could not compare to what he went through with His son.

God has used my trials to humble me and show me my own sins.  As painful as it has been, I am so grateful that God has begun sharing his Word and his truth with me. 

Thank you Shmeggly, for sharing your story with us.  I have been very blessed by this thread.

Love and peace,
Carol

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Shmeggly on July 13, 2007, 10:30:50 PM

I think I knew by becoming vulnerable a bit, and sharing what's happening, it would bring out some good.  Even though I fought it....

All I can say is wow....I am blown away by the stories here, and the insight into pain and suffering.  I want to thank you Diana for your post and words of encouragement.  You are so right....

MG, thank you for sharing about your son.  I still can't fathom what you and others on this forum have gone through.  Your last paragraph is absolutey truth; I have felt that in my spirit for a long time now. 
I have despaired because I am struggling spiritually, and when I think that God is not there for me, then I feel hopeless. 
But I know He has been talking to me, so gently I can barely hear.  I've never "heard" from God like some people do.  But this has been fairly strong impression inside me, and I've said "I'm either completely off my rocker, or I'm hearing from God." 

What I've heard for awhile now, is that I am to love my wife unconditionally, because she has never been loved unconditionally.  (I don't know if that is true or not, just what I "heard".)  Also, I keep hearing "love the unloveable"....to be patient, loving and kind. 

This is the opposite of what I want to do....which makes me think it's from God!  To protect myself, I want to shut off love, and just move on.  THAT is what makes this so hard....it would be easy if it was just "move on", and stop loving her.  But I don't feel like that is what I'm supposed to do....if I'm not hearing from God, the worst thing that will happen is I will have loved my wife no matter what, so I guess I can't lose.  Except it is excruciatingly painful....more on that! 

I have had an impression of a wounded bird beeing handed to me....and to take care of it.  But instead, I slowly crushed it, not realizing what I was doing.  So now that I know what is really the root of the problem, maybe I will have another opportunity to nurture and help heal my wounded wife. 

But I am so not wanting to go through this trial!  Last night I was trying to think of reasons to live;   and even in the depths of absolute despair, I realized that my wife has nothing to do with it.  I know God is doing this for both of us, and that He wants me to be able to function as a whole human being, regardless of my wife, and He wants her hurt to be revealed, and to be dealt with, and for her to be a whole person too....

I hope this doesn't sound as bad as I think; like I said before, I have no desire to die, just don't want the pain!  And I know my kids need me, and yes, my wife still needs me. 

My daughter just called from the pool!  She needs me to pick her up; she is so special, wonderful, and she needs her one and only DAD!!! 

Thanks for caring everyone, and Pera, hang in there!!!  You are an encouragement!!!

Carol, I am humbled by you!  James

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: DuluthGA on July 14, 2007, 03:37:30 AM

Hi all, especially Shmeggly and Pera, just a brief note on my little adaptation to my old Catholic way of "making the sign of the cross" on myself.  Instead of the usual utterance, I would say, "Born, suffer, die, rise again."

That sort of sums it up for us all and it will hold true according to God's Word.

With His peace, Janice

(http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z3/jbirdowens/FlyingDove-1.jpg)

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: skydreamers on July 14, 2007, 03:50:31 AM

Quote

What I've heard for awhile now, is that I am to love my wife unconditionally, because she has never been loved unconditionally.  (I don't know if that is true or not, just what I "heard".)  Also, I keep hearing "love the unloveable"....to be patient, loving and kind.

This is the opposite of what I want to do....which makes me think it's from God!  To protect myself, I want to shut off love, and just move on.  THAT is what makes this so hard....it would be easy if it was just "move on", and stop loving her.  But I don't feel like that is what I'm supposed to do....if I'm not hearing from God, the worst thing that will happen is I will have loved my wife no matter what, so I guess I can't lose.  Except it is excruciatingly painful....more on that!

How moving and how beautiful...brings me to tears!  James, I really think God is revealing HIMSELF to you in a most special and deep way...this is HIS heart...you are most definitely "hearing" the voice of God telling you to keep loving your wife...read the book of Hosea...your wife may be "rejecting" you, but as you say she is in pain and doesn't know any better as to how to deal with her emotions/thoughts right now.  Though I can't say what the future holds for your two, you are right when you say this experience is for both of you, and you shall both be strengthened by it.

In Hosea, Hosea wants to divorce his adulterous wife, but God tells him to go back to her...this is a reflection of God and His bride...God will never give up on "His wife" who seeks after other lovers.  His Love is greater and will inevitably out-woo (if that's a word) any other lovers (idols) out there....

Hosea 2:5-15
For their mother has played the whore; she who conceived them has acted shamefully. For she said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.'  Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns, and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths.  She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them, and she shall seek them but shall not find them. Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now....And she did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold, which they used for Baal...and I will punish her for the feast days...and went after her lovers and forgot me, declares the LORD...therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her...and there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.

Your wife is looking for her door of hope....

Peace,
Diana

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Shmeggly on July 14, 2007, 05:55:58 PM

Ok Diana, this is almost scary!  I just have to share this....

My wife went out walking last night about 10:00.....she didn't come home till 1130 this morning!  I kind of guessed she went to her friends house, and she did.  Went for 1 drink, and ended up completely loaded and couldn't even walk home!  So much for my theory about her and alcohol! 

I was upset at her, because we had to pick up 2 of our kids from where they have been for the last week, and she wasn't even able to function.  So I said, "If you care, I am picking up our daughters this morning....and by the way, thanks for letting me know your walk was going to be 12 HOURS LONG!!!" (sarcasm!!!)

I said this in a fairly calm controlled voice.  I had lain awake most of the night unable to sleep,  thinking of course the worst; she's hurt, she's out drunk and being taken advantage of by some guy, or she's deliberately with some guy, etc etc.  Talk about the battlefield of the mind!  Despair! 

When I said that about our daughters, she said she was sorry, hadn't planned on it being more than 1 drink, that she didn't do anything "bad" (she knows I'm jealous) and that she just got drunk with her friend and then ended up not being able to walk home.  She was feeling pretty sick too, so we had a bit of a talk, and I got mad and said I was going to find a place to live even if it was temporary, because I couldn't handle her behavior. 
She defended her behavior, even though I think she knew she was wrong (and sick!)....

Anyway, left it at that, steaming about it all the way to pick up the girls.  I talked with them on the way back (about other things), and by the time I got home, my attitude had softened.  My wife was up to meet the girls, and the first thing I did when she looked my way (wounded look) was to mouth "I'm sorry"....she also said sorry and that she thought I would be happy she was sick.  I said no....

Ended up talking a little...I know she visibly softened, and she asked if I could buy her some Sprite and crackers (sickness food!) ....I went out and got some, and brought them to her when she lay down.  She said thank you for being so kind, and I said that I wanted to be kind and helpful to her. 

What it comes down to is this:  I should not have gotten angry; whenever I do, it makes things worse.  When I do what God wants me to do, things go better.  So hard though!

Ok, the scary thing is Diana...that I have had that passage from Hosea on my mind....and had forgotten it for awhile, then was thinking of it again this morning between 5 and 9 o'clock....I knew God is speaking to me about that.  I hope it doesn't come to adultery, which I don't think it will for certain reasons...I know I couldn't handle that.  But that passage has been brought up to me time and again in my mind.  And of course I keep putting it out of my mind....

I don't know what all this means, except to keep doing what I think God is saying.  It doesn't mean it will all work out like a movie....but I hope that God restores us to wholeness, our kids too, and keeps our family together.  It would take a miracle....and I am still hoping. 

Thanks for all who listened, and gave advice, help, and hope.  Take comfort in the middle of your own private hell, cause I know some of you are there....thank you SO MUCH for sharing with me, it really has helped.  James

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: eggi on July 14, 2007, 08:07:31 PM

God be with you James!
We are here for you when you need us!

God bless you,
Eirik

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Bradigans on July 17, 2007, 08:45:51 PM

I am so ashamed of myself for something I posted over in general discussions cut of my hand thread. I'll quote it here.

Quote

I don't know what to say anymore, besides i feel you. I'm an extremely raunchy person who's beginning to lose hope. Galatians 5:5 - For we through the Spirit (i believe this is speaking of through THE WORD John 6:63) wait for the hope of righteousness by faith.I've been seeking and searching for so long through the Word, that it's kind of discouraging to still have these same old evil desires popping up. I haven't acted out on any of them in years due to for some reason not being able to. But, the desires are still here tormenting the hell out of me. I know the fulfillment of them isn't the answer, but is living like this (in torment) the answer? It's keeping me depressed, and it feels like something on the inside of me is under attack. I keep hoping that it's God pruning me (John 15:2, Hebrews 12:4-13). Everyday has been hell for me lately. I mean it's very dark. I don't care how sunny it is outside, it's dark. I hope God will just take me. I've experienced that deep down peace and satisfaction that Ray speaks of, but where does it go. Am i bipolar?

Keep me in you alls prayers. I feel isolated and have no one to talk to. These are very dark days for me. I just want to disappear, and i wish it was like i never was. I've got these little ones to think about though. I'm so ashamed of this letter.

I had just posted that, and browsing decided to check out testimonies/prayers requests/fellowship threads. That when i saw this private hell thread. It's amazing what folks are going through, and I'm complaining. Keep me in your prayers.   

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Shmeggly on July 17, 2007, 09:11:10 PM

Bradigans, don't be ashamed....there is no reason too.  People go through many different things, and handle them differently too.  I have felt bad because I know other people are going through worse things, but handle them better than I do.  But that is ok....that is who I am and where I'm at.

It's the same for you.  Cut yourself some slack  :)!  Realize you can't do anything in your own strength, but to keep praying and asking for help.  I have felt pretty much over the years as you have described....wondering why I couldn't change or be different, or why I had to struggle so much.  I never felt like a Christian, never wanted to read the bible or pray.  And I was a worship leader!  Talk about feeling guilty and conflicted!  Now I have learned to cut myself some slack, and realize God is working in me.  (BUT HURRY UP GOD!!! :D)

I too have struggled with things over the years....and was never delivered from them.  I don't know if this trial is a part of that, because it seems to have changed those parts of me....but even today I am struggling, and had a few huge fights with my wife, some of the worst we've ever had.  I finally said...."I thought that there might be some hope for us, but this (the fights) just confirms that I am not the one to love you..."  (this is of course after she has told me repeatedly she doesn't want to be married to me, is leaving etc etc.) It hurt so much to fight with her, even if I thought or was justified.  There never is a winner....

What I was saying is....I thought that God was telling me things (and maybe He was) and I thought I was the best person to love and take care of my wife.  But the fights today just proved that I have a long way to go; I said hurtful things and was not who I should be.  I am hard on myself though....I think I have had the patience of Job, but a man can only handle so much. 

So....today, I am just throwing myself on God's mercy, and literally saying "I submit to Your will, and will do what You want me to do....sorry for acting angry and unloving towards my wife.  Sorry for my mind straying into areas it shouldn't....etc etc.  Keep in mind when I am doing this, it is like a fight to do it.  My whole being wants to just rebel; but I am making the choice of submitting.  I hope this makes sense. 

Today has been hell....but I have given the whole thing up to God....the house is for sale, we are packing for our seperate places (which we haven't got yet) and my wife has never veered once from saying I am the reason she's leaving, or reconsidering leaving.  She is determined....yet still hurting and willing to talk about things. 

Just remember, eveyone handles different situations differently!  What one person perceives as "no big deal", to another it can be life altering. 

Anyway, I hope things go well for you Bradigans, and I will pray for you....I mean that....from someone going through their own private hell....James

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Bradigans on July 17, 2007, 09:44:22 PM

1 Peter 1:7 - That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.2 Corinthians 4:17-18 - For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.

God bless you dear brother. You've truly encouraged me. I hope the above has to you.  I'm trying my best to stay focused on THE WORD.

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: gmik on July 18, 2007, 03:24:15 AM

It is 1:23 in the AM!!!!

You both will be in my heart and prayers!  I will use 1 2 3 as my trigger to remember you in prayer.

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: cjwood on July 18, 2007, 03:45:13 AM

Quote from: skydreamers on July 13, 2007, 02:24:29 AM

Hi James and Pera,

My heart goes out to you guys.  Situation like yours are truly tragic, especially when children are involved, and it's obvious that both of you are loving men who want to do what's right for your families.  My prayers are with you both.

Jesus sermon on the mount comes to mind.  These are truly mysterious words of Jesus, because they go against everything that is carnal in us:


Blessed are those who mourn...
Matthew 5:4

I have read that and thought, "Excuse me?"  When you look up how "blessed" is defined, here is what it says:

* supremely blessed, fortunate, well-off, happy

I am sure neither of you would say you feel like this right now...but Jesus assures us that you are blessed in your mourning....why?

...for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4

There is something about situations like these in which Jesus can reach down and comfort us in the deepest depths of our souls.  So you ask, how can he comfort? 

Are you not the greatest comfort to others, when they know you yourself have been there, completely understand what they are going through, and so are not alone in their pain?

Are you not the greatest comfort to someone when you identify with their pain? 

If you are in emotional pain, so is your Creator.  Not just in the sense that He's been there, done that....but He IS there, right there with you, in the depths of your pain...in fact, it is my deepest sense that any of our pain is no match for the suffering of our Father.

I do not believe that it is the Father's ultimate will that we should suffer through broken relationships, but it is His temporary will, as it is necessary to get us to where we are going and to teach us by experience the very depths of God...who is suffering at present through more broken relationships than our Father??

The brokeness you feel for your wives and children in the suffering they go through is only the slightest inkling of what a purely loving Creator feels for His creation, and in this, is there not comfort? 

When I have been in pain, my truest friends have been those who cried with me, and in this there is a strange kind of comfort, because we all carry the baggage of a million hurts as we struggle through this life.  And so there is unity and purity, there at that place of mourning....a place of comfort.  God is there with you, not just as a Father patting you on the shoulder saying "there, there", but as a friend saying, "I weep with you, your pain is mine..."

So, if we look down at the face of our Savior, who is washing OUR feet, and who is weeping over the brokenness of OUR relationship with Him, our hearts can go out to Him...if we can see that His pain is greater than ours...would not this move our hearts to....want to comfort Him...and this changes our hearts...melts our hearts...causes us to want to give all of our hearts to Him, who is suffering...

I think that is why Jesus says:

Matthew 25:35-40
For I was hungry and you gave ME food, I was thirsty and you gave ME drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed ME
I was naked and you clothed ME, I was sick and you visited ME, I was in prison and you came to ME.
...Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to ME.

To the carnal, it is a contradiction, to the spiritual it is poetry, to the heart it is comfort...

Much luv and respect to both of you,
Peace,
Diana

thank you skydreamers.  i know your reply was directed to james and pera, but it was for me too.  i shared just a wee bit of my current situation, per my post, which dennis named "my story".  i never thought about our Father not just being with us in our suffering, but suffering with us, experiencing what we were feeling.  His love for me and us all is being shown to me by Him more and more.  He loves us more and He loves us most.  ray said in one of his transcripts that in loving and helping others we can let go of our own fears and better understand what our purpose for being here is (not his exact words, but pretty close i think).  you have such an awesome way of putting things into words.

your sister in Christ,
claudia

p.s.  my heart aches for you too james and pera. 

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: skydreamers on July 18, 2007, 02:30:11 PM

Quote

Ok, the scary thing is Diana...that I have had that passage from Hosea on my mind....and had forgotten it for awhile, then was thinking of it again this morning between 5 and 9 o'clock....I knew God is speaking to me about that.  I hope it doesn't come to adultery, which I don't think it will for certain reasons...I know I couldn't handle that.  But that passage has been brought up to me time and again in my mind.  And of course I keep putting it out of my mind....

Hi James,  yes I also don't think the passage in Hosea has anything to do with whether or not your wife will commit "adultery".  But it does seem she is at present rejecting her role as a faithful wife to you, regardless of her reasons.  It seems right now she can't make sense of what's going on inside her, she's in pain and can't help it.  But that really is the point in Hosea.  The husband (who typifies Christ) knows that his bride (God's people) can't help what they are doing in their rejection.  It is part of the process.  So perhaps this is what God is wanting to show you: you and your wife...but also you "as the wife"....see what I mean?     

Quote

I thought that God was telling me things (and maybe He was) and I thought I was the best person to love and take care of my wife.  But the fights today just proved that I have a long way to go; I said hurtful things and was not who I should be.  I am hard on myself though....I think I have had the patience of Job, but a man can only handle so much.

James, you are not "in the spiritual image of God" just yet, so please don't be too hard on yourself that you cannot consistently be "tender" to your wife.  But it does seem God is refining this virtue in you, the one that continues to love someone beyond what is being done to them.  Oh yes, your carnal mind may recoil and then attack back.  This is a fleshy instinct, it seems, to attack in an attempt to "self-preserve".  It is more than just a little hard to turn the other cheek!

You are the best person to love your wife, whether in marraige or out.  Because you love her on a deeper  level that likely neither of you quite understands just yet.  But it is no different with God and us, we know he loves us, maybe even feel that he loves us, but we yet have an incomplete understanding of the depths of God's love towards us. 

As has been witnessed in many posts on this forum, many are struggling with present sin (me including), returning whether in deed or in mind to unwanted sins and behavior.  Though in our heart of hearts we WANT to be faithful to our Lord and Savior, we despair at ourselves in our apparent inability to do so.  It seems there is much we have to go through before we can completely submit and trust in our God.

I am sorry to hear things do not seem to be working out well for you and your wife.  Perhaps in time....but nevertheless, in the meantime, regardless of outer circumstances, it is more important to be honest with yourself and your wife...perhaps for now it really is the best thing that you are not together.   This doesn't mean you cannot continue to "love" her, even if it means you have to move on.  If she sees you have made peace with the situation perhaps that might be the thing that will bring her to her senses...???  You know, sometimes we also have a tendency to make things too easy for the ones we "love", by allowing them to continue destructive behavior in our presence....I've struggled with this concept with someone in my own family for what seems like forever....you  don't want to shut them out but you don't want to be an "enabler" either.....it's a tuff one. 

Think of what God does.  Does he allow us to continue in our despicable behaviors, or does he make the circumstances such that it becomes unbearable to continue in our present state?  Perhaps this is what God will do, through you, for your wife, and  vice versa. 

These are just some of my thoughts as I pray for you and yours, and try to identify with your struggles (though they are different from mine).  It is hard to make sense of situations like yours (and Pera's) because the family unit is such a precious thing. 

I hope you will find comfort and peace sooner than later....

Much love and respect to you,
Diana

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: skydreamers on July 18, 2007, 02:37:22 PM

Quote

thank you skydreamers.  i know your reply was directed to james and pera, but it was for me too.  i shared just a wee bit of my current situation, per my post, which dennis named "my story".  i never thought about our Father not just being with us in our suffering, but suffering with us, experiencing what we were feeling.  His love for me and us all is being shown to me by Him more and more.  He loves us more and He loves us most.  ray said in one of his transcripts that in loving and helping others we can let go of our own fears and better understand what our purpose for being here is (not his exact words, but pretty close i think).  you have such an awesome way of putting things into words.

your sister in Christ,
claudia

Hi Claudia,

Thank you for your kind words.  It is an honor and a joy to be used by God as a vessel of comfort for someone.  If you have been blessed, than it is directly from our Father, as all good things come from Him alone.  In the midst of suffering He sometimes speaks to us from the most unlikely and unexpected sources... ;) :)

God's peace and love to you,
Diana

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Shmeggly on July 19, 2007, 12:46:05 AM

I just had a pm about selfish prayer, which spoke very much to me.  I have been selfish in all of this, and I have been selfish in our marriage.  Like I said to that person; I KNOW God is dealing with me about being selfish.

The whole time I've been praying, even though it was sincere, I was praying for ME.  Maybe that's too hard on myself, but in  a way, it is accurate.  I prayed for my wife to be made whole (for her AND for me)  and I prayed for the kids, that we would all be able to stay together (for them AND for me)....

Just for the record:  I have had many faults as a husband.  I have not been there emotionally for my wife a good deal of the time.  I have been selfish.  I have been angry.  I disrespected my wife.  I could go on, but you get the picture.  And yes, marriage is a two way street, and my wife has the things she is responsible for, and has done. 

I wish I knew then (when we first got married) what I know now.  I have apologized to my wife for the things I now realize were hurtful.  I don't know why God waited till now for me to get alot of this, but this is the timing.  I know there is purpose in all of it. 

Diana....I meant scary in that you were thinking of Hosea and I had been thinking it too....not scary as in a scary situation....like adultery....I'm sorry if I'm not making sense again...it happens :)

I do think that what you say is very true.  You have alot to offer, and alot of insight.  Thank you so much for your posts....even though I wish I had kept my mouth shut to my wife, I believe it was for a reason....things I said were the truth.  And I have been praying that she would know the truth.  I do believe that it had to come to this, I'm just not sure why.

 I didn't want to share this, because I was afraid of what it means.  I kept hearing "2 years" in regards to my wife.  But that could be my imagination.  And I don't know what it means anyway.  I'm tired of trying to figure out the "spiritual" meaning behind some of these things.  I just want to be at peace for awhile. 

I don't know what else to say, but my arm is tired from beating myself up!  ;D  Love and peace to everyone, and go in the strength of God.  James

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: GODSown1 on July 19, 2007, 01:27:29 AM

Hey brother James,
                        Brother it is so funny (well so 2 speak :) ), d@ is xactly wot was revealed 2 me brother, well I fink it sort of means da same fing is jus da little fingz a Woman needz az in been taken out 4 coffees or um Cookn her a meal more den usual, sum pampering etc... well u no wot in sayn ae? :). Well my situation is improving wit my relationship, GOD tore!! us apart purposely so each of us cn b well like in a melting pot 2 b refined etc.. We r back speakn YES! speakn not yelln!! :), & she has actually said she LOVES me, always has always will, wow!! Thank YOU LORD, I jus said I will giv her sum space & jus let her no i will alwayZ! b here 4 her weneva SHES! ready, she haz said since we've been apart she has jus spent untold time with GOD!!!, I was jus blow'n away Thank YOU FATHER, brother I believe its All FAITH! & Patience, brother in sayn wot Ive said I hope hasnt further put U down, I know in The LORD ur time will cum, keep strong! in the LORD! my brother in CHRIST, I will b Prayn 4 U, & still I ask 4 urZ!! & I jus wana take dis Oppotunity 2 Thank U all in dis family uz r all such a BlesSn!! muah! muah! muah! BlesSuP!.
                           muchLOVE!! Pera

Ps. special hugs & kisseS 2 U JANICE U so r a Gift frm GOD, muchBlesSnz 2 u & ur family OxxOxxO including mustafa(cat) of coz lol! :D :) :P ( slap up on da head ) :)..   "BUT IM GOOD, AYE".  :) Oxx

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: SixFour on July 19, 2007, 07:18:08 AM

James,

Peace to you!

I'll just add this: I've been where you are, 12 years ago. Details were a little different from yours, but my world was turned upside down when my first wife left me. And we were both "in church" as they say.
I've been on the same "roller-coaster" emotional ride. I remember all the words I spoke in anger (more like yelled!) that I repented of later. I feel you. At that time in my life, I was still in the Babylonian mode of thinking, that is, always looking for what God can do FOR us, and not what He wants to do IN us. After all, I was a faithful member of a large Charismatic/Word of Faith church at the time. I didn't realize at the time the fire being turned up in my life was for a purpose. And not just for me, but for my now ex-wife.
Nevertheless, know too that I am praying for you and your family. I know this is no easy walk.

James

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: SixFour on July 19, 2007, 07:20:51 AM

Pera,

'So glad to hear things are better for you. And I appreciate your "up-beat-ness!"  ;D

James

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: gmik on July 19, 2007, 06:28:08 PM

Pera, good news indeed!!!

Six four and Smeggly--2 James.  Hope we can remember that :D

Guys, my heart goes out to you.  My mom married 5 times thru out my first 18 years.  But.....I have been married to one man 33 years.  I used to be proud of that as tho I actually had anything to do w/ it!!!  Now I know, it was God and God alone.
I don't understand the whys and wherefors of all our journeys.  Some so painful, others not.  Jesus won't give us trials that He won't make a way to get thru.  Hold on.  Trust Him.  Get to know Him intimately.  He is faithful!

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Shmeggly on July 19, 2007, 11:55:12 PM

Pera, my heart literally jumped for joy when I read your post!!!  I am very happy for you, and want only the best for you and your whole family.  I know it is God that is responsible for that.  So I thank Him for doing that in your life.  I really do pray that He just brings you 2 closer and closer together, and that the remaining years of your marriage would be like gold. 

James (nice name!) :)....I am now just wanting whatever God wants....I still want to be married etc., but lately we've been sniping at each other, and I know that we would never make it without God wanting us to be together.  So I am at peace, even though I still go through sadness just thinking about the good times in our marriage....so much that is familiar, and intimate, like sharing space and being comfortable; well, you know what I mean.  There is so much more along those lines.  But it is over in my mind....I have given up.  But I think that is what God wanted.  I'm still willing to do what He wants.

So, either God will bring us together again (after seperation) or we'll go our seperate ways for good.  I am so worn down by all this....like I said, only God could change us in order to live peacefully together. 
It seems like when I say something, she says the exact opposite and opposes me.  Time and time again.  There is zero agreement, and no peace.  (ME: "The sky is sure blue today"....HER: "NO IT'S NOT, WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!?!?!".... as she's yelling.... ;D)   

I think that has been a huge factor in the marriage all along.  When I say black, she automatically says white, and I think she does it subconsciously.  Oh, well, I'm not getting into that.  Just feeling very worn out....and feeling pity for myself again as I see the happy couples in the neighborhood go for strolls, hand in hand....

Yes: God's plan, forgot that for a moment!  ???   I have been praying and saying I'm willing to do what God wants, it's almost like a surrender.  I have been worn down, and now I'm beat and at His mercy....and at His mercy is where I want to be!  I just wish I wasn't so ornery lately, everything is making me upset....and I have ups and downs like crazy....

Life goes on, and in a lot of ways, crazy as it may seem, I am looking forward to moving on.  Hopefully debt will be gone, I'll have some peace and quiet, and time to reflect on life etc.  Work on music, my health (getting back in shape!)  and maybe writing a kids book....just something I've had in the back of my mind for awhile. 
Yes Gena, I think God wants me to know Him intimately; I used to have a superficial relationship, it has gotten better....refiner's fire!  J

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: oneofthefew on July 20, 2007, 02:25:28 AM

Hi Shmeggly,

I'm new to this forum and I just want to praise God for your life!!!

It's just awesome and amazing how even the "bad", the "worst", the "evil" and whatever name we may call that unpleasant or "hell-like" experience we have CAN have an effect and impact AS GOOD, as REFRESHING, as LIFE-CHANGING (or even more) as when we just talk about the "good" things. 

This is indeed the work of an all-wise, all-knowing GOD who is able to responsibly use ALL things (good or bad) for His glorious purposes.

God be with you.

oneofthefew

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Shmeggly on July 20, 2007, 11:46:03 PM

I am changing (for the better) in the midst of this....I am coming to realize how much I have hurt my wife over the years, and how she has held onto those hurts....she remembers each one like it happened yesterday.  I say this because today brought up some of those times. 

I trully feel sorry for the things I've done over the years; I don't know if I really would have understood it before all this happened.  It's almost like finding Ray's site: you know that moment when your eyes are opened, and you wonder how you didn't understand things all along. 

So, in alot of ways, this whole thing IS for the better; and I hope my wife finds healing through it too.  I know I want too.  Even if we never are together again, I will be thankful for God changing my heart, and opening my eyes.  And that is not easy to say, considering how my day has gone....but I won't go into that!

Thanks for everyone who read this, and those who helped, and I hope that this maybe helped someone in their own time of hell. 

Hey oneofthefew:  glad you posted!  Regardless of how this all turns out...my life has been changed for the better in a way that probably never would have happened otherwise, so for that I am grateful.  Today was despair, mixed with sorrow and asking God for forgiveness for the past.  But I am thankful for what He is doing in my life....I hope you continue to post and share on this forum....take care...James

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: dogcombat on July 21, 2007, 09:21:37 AM

Here's the "My Selfish Prayers" thread

http://forums.bible-truths.com/index.php/topic,3218.0.html

Ches

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Deborah-Leigh on July 21, 2007, 11:16:23 AM

Hello Shmeggly

You posted something to me in the Forum a week or two back, that the Lord used to lift me up and encourage me when I was feeling isolated and lonely. For the next day or two after that, your Forum name kept circling in my mind with waves of joy and innocence! Shmeggly Shmeggly... :D ;D

Your testimony that began this thread prompts me to disclose that the Lord used you to lift me up when I needed it. HE does not always to everyone, tell what He is doing or how HE is working but HE IS working all things for good to those who love Him, and most of the time this work feels as if it is painful and distressing at best and awful, excruciating desperately agonising at worst.

Ray calls it Lemons. Ray also assures us that God makes the Lemons and the Lemonade. The Lemonade is GOOD! ;D

May God continue to bless you in your needs.

Peace be to you

Arcturus :)

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Shmeggly on July 21, 2007, 06:18:01 PM

Thanks Ches....I just read the thread! 

Arcturus:  thanks for your words of encouragement!  I'm glad if I have encouraged you in any way....that is something I sincerely want to do: lift people up and encourage. 

You're right; and God is not showing me how He is working....that is what's hard.  But then I have to just put my absolute trust in Him, and be content no matter the circumstances...which is NOT easy!  :)

I do however, catch glimpses of Him at work in our lives; His handiwork and just a whisper of why this is happening.  Then it's gone, and I wonder if I imagined it.  There have been days of hope, followed by days of despair; I think God wants me stable regardless of what's happening....there is a lot that I believe I need dealt with, and it seems to be happening.  My wife too....

So thanks for all the encouragement....and your prayers. 

I hope things are going better for you Arcturus; I haven't had much time to read posts lately.  But I hope to have the time soon....take care and may the peace of God be on you; I really mean that!  J

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: gmik on July 22, 2007, 02:35:21 AM

Good reminder Ches!!  I loved that!

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Deborah-Leigh on July 22, 2007, 04:48:56 AM

Yes Ches

A timeous reminder at that!

Carnality does PRESCRIBE to God what He should do!

By contrast THANKS shows His Blessed Wisdom Knowledge and Understanding beginning to unfold in our hearts as He authors our faith through His Will and control over our circumstances.

Peace to you

Arcturus :)

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: mari_et_pere on July 22, 2007, 03:20:26 PM

Wow James my heart goes out to you man! I went through a similar situation with my wife last summer.

I just typed half the story but I deleted it just now. But I feel for you. I used an exhaustive amount of patience and realized that the end result would be whatever God had planned, and proved my love for her even though she had lied so much, and eventually all turned out good.

I can't tell you what to do, but that's what I did.

I hope it all turns out in your favor.

Matt

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: gmik on July 22, 2007, 10:57:53 PM

Good to hear from ya Matt!!

I didn't realize you had a rough patch last year.  I hope she realized what a catch you are (on all levels!). ;)

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: cjwood on July 24, 2007, 01:22:20 AM

Quote from: Arcturus on July 21, 2007, 11:16:23 AM

Hello Shmeggly

You posted something to me in the Forum a week or two back, that the Lord used to lift me up and encourage me when I was feeling isolated and lonely. For the next day or two after that, your Forum name kept circling in my mind with waves of joy and innocence! Shmeggly Shmeggly... :D ;D

Your testimony that began this thread prompts me to disclose that the Lord used you to lift me up when I needed it. HE does not always to everyone, tell what He is doing or how HE is working but HE IS working all things for good to those who love Him, and most of the time this work feels as if it is painful and distressing at best and awful, excruciating desperately agonising at worst.

Ray calls it Lemons. Ray also assures us that God makes the Lemons and the Lemonade. The Lemonade is GOOD! ;D

May God continue to bless you in your needs.

Peace be to you

Arcturus :)

hello arcturus,
in reading through your reply to shmeggly i was so uplifted by your reminder (per ray) that God makes the lemons and the lemonade.  i have to remind myself of that 24/7 it seems lately in my own gehenna flames here on earth.  just wanted to thank you (thank God for working thru you) by reminding me of the lemons and lemonade coming from the same Source.

sincerely,
claudia

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Shmeggly on July 24, 2007, 02:23:01 AM

It is amazing how many people are going through stuff....and especially couples.  Being married is not easy, and I thought I knew it all.  I was arrogant and prideful. (even though humble in a lot of ways, I had things that needed to be dealt with)

Matt, I'm glad things worked out for you.  I feel God has told me to love my wife unconditionally among other things, but He has not given me any guarantee how this will turn out.  It would be a miracle.  She has never wavered in saying she's leaving me.  I also feel that I have hurt her deeply over the years through ignorance etc., and that all the other stress like finances, leaving the church, questioning faith, combined with a very some horrendous trauma earlier on in her life has brought us to this point. 

I have no hope, except in God.  I mean that, because my wife is so running from me.  Yet I know she cares, but has told me on different occasions that she is indifferent, does not love me, does not want to be married to me anymore, etc.  Yet she will still cry when we talk, and when things get too close to home, she says she doesn't want to go down that road anymore.  I know she is hurting....man, I just want to love her the way she deserves and take care of her. 

I'm sorry because I've said some of this before, but it trully is a nightmare from which I don't wake up.  I think that almost everyday.  I also am trying to submit to God, and not be selfish, and just be satisfied with Him.  I don't know if I'm wrong for wanting to still be married....I am so confused, and stressed.  I know I need to just rely on God, but it is easier said than done.  I feel sick alot of the time due to the overwhelming stress (not just my wife but financial etc.)...anyway. 

I have always desired a close relationship with God, and wanted to serve Him as best as possible.  I want to please Him, and not sin.  I may not be making sense cause I'm tired, but that is my desire.  And to have my family restored, selfish though it may be. 

I feel really happy when I hear about people for whom things have worked out.  Thank you for sharing that.  James

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: keys2heaven on July 24, 2007, 01:05:53 PM

Wow, that's some heavy stuff. I have two teenage daughters and I worry about them having a MySpace page.

I know alot of scripture has been posted, but I wanted to talk to you about your past. It would appear from your posts that both you and your wife have suffered very serious emotional damage prior to your marriage; damage that goes way back to childhood.

Why did you chose each other? What made you attracted to the other person? Did you feel a closeness to your wife because you both share pain in your childhood? I would venture to say that these emotions that have been undealt with for so long (from both of you) are screaming for resolution.

Have you talked with anyone? Marriage counselor? I know that God can do anything and restores broken marriags all the time. But, reading your posts, I am worried for your family and kids. Please, seek out professional help. The drinking is a problem and these kids will emulate what they see you doing. Do let them get caught up in this viscious cycle.

Praying for you,

Mike

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Deborah-Leigh on July 24, 2007, 03:55:52 PM

24/7 lemons and lemonade hey Claudia!

Me to, me to! :D

Peace to you

Arcturus :)

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: cjwood on July 25, 2007, 04:43:46 PM

Quote from: Arcturus on July 24, 2007, 03:55:52 PM

24/7 lemons and lemonade hey Claudia!

Me to, me to! :D

Peace to you

Arcturus :)

i wanted to thank you for the scripture ref of luke 8:16.  that is the scripture i was trying to remember in one of my posts about the fact that ever since i found out about my husband's infidelity this past december, that i had started hiding that Light in me underneath the vessel of accomodating my husband in order to try and keep him wanting me.  my faith and belief in God was one of the points that my husband used against me to the other woman.  i am so very ashamed that i treated my loving Father and my loving brother Jesus that way.  but when i hid my Light is when God showed me His jealousy and i am so very grateful that He loves me so much that He would NOT allow me to hide what He had lit in me anymore.  it was then that He showed me the spiritual prison i was in and that only His Son could bring me out.  so again, thanks arcturus for the scripture ref. 

here is a toast to you with His lemonade,
claudia :)

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Shmeggly on July 25, 2007, 09:23:00 PM

Hey Mike.  Just to reply to your post....

I don't know why we ended up together, except it was meant to be.  And I don't mean as a match made in heaven, it was just meant to be, and it happened. 

No, we've never dealt with our pasts, and yes, it seems like most people  don't get miraculously healed of their pasts without dealing with them.  I am seeing someone right now for counselling, and today was my first day with this person.  (I saw another person once, but didn't want to really go back).  I felt this new one was a lot better, and I felt good after seeing her....and I made an appointment for next week.  This was after an emotional morning of talking with my wife about our relationship....more stuff coming out.  She might as well have hit me with a two by four; I was emotionally beaten. 

Then, after coming home from the counsellor, and actually feeling some sort of hope for my life, we end up fighting because I brought up a question, and it got blown WAY WAY out of porportion....it's like I can't voice any opinion or anything....my kids or wife can do something wrong, I start talking,  they all take sides against me, I start getting upset and then: IT BECOMES ABOUT ME GETTING UPSET!  My son could have hit my daughter in the head with a bat, but if I start raising my voice, then I'm the bad guy!  I feel so powerless and helpless:  I literally feel like I am living in the Twilight Zone....and in trying to get my point across, and to let her know how at the end of my rope I was, I made my wife cry and I didn't want that. 

My cousellor actually made me feel like I wasn't crazy; I am so sick of feeling like I am the bad guy all the time.  I have made mistakes, and I have not been perfect, but I admit to that and take responsibility for what I've done.  Nobody else seems to want to admit they're ever wrong....

Today was one of the worst days of my life.  My counsellor (after hearing the story of my childhood and current life) was shaking her head!  But she offered hope and I could tell she was engaged in our interaction. 

Anyway....man.  I am beat.  I don't want to make my wife upset, I don't want to be upset, I just want some peace.  I just want some respect, and to be able to have an opinion.  I feel like I am talking Chinese on an alien planet!  Does anybody else ever feel like this? 

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Harryfeat on July 25, 2007, 10:04:57 PM

Hey James,

I have been truly moved by your posts and wanted to say that I am with you.  I hope that sharing a post with you can somehow lighten your pain but I know it is up to Him.

One lesson I have learned is that you can't always avoid upsetting people.  For example, telling someone you love them can be upsetting to them.  All you can do is trust that God has set you on the right path and will help you to resolve your seemingly overpowering situation. 

be blessed
feat

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: seminole on July 25, 2007, 10:18:34 PM

It is always amazing to me that here on the forum, like at work, like in a church, like anywhere people are gathered, you never really realize that we all are carrying pain of some sort. It puts us on a common level doesn't it? I pray for all whether they have spoken of their pain or not. We know the pains are there. Nole

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: keys2heaven on July 26, 2007, 01:23:46 AM

Schmeggly:

Glad that you went and saw someone. Now you just need to get your wife there...somehow. She needs to talk to someone one on one. I don't think you two are at the point where you can both sit down and talk. You wife has some serious reflecting to do. I know about being meant for someone. My wife and I are that way. We were each others true first loves and we had to both go thru some real junk before we were reunited. Since that day, I've never left her side and I never will. She is my whole world.

Dealing with your past is sooooo essential. It's never too late and I'm very glad to know that you recognize this. Will it be painful, yes, but healing often is. I am very concerned about your wife's apparent self-destructing behavior. I can sort of understand why she might take it out on you. It's like dealing with teenagers. For example, I'm often the "bad guy" in my house because I believe in guildelines and rules, etc.. When I have to enforce something, then my daughters throw a fit, scream and tell. Do I feel like a piece of garbage, you bet. But, I read somewhere that kids do this to the one's they love because, believe it or not, they feel safe in expressing their emotions. So, in a wierd way, having them yell at me sorta lets me know that I'm o.k. and they do love me.

It's going to seem like 3 against 1. You're not powerless. Remain calm best you can. Your family is going to push your buttons on purpose. You're the one getting help, so they probably think to themselves that you're the one with the problem and they are "normal". But, they could be testing you to see if you are actually improving. Maybe if you show them that you can control your temper, then they will take note. Either that or they are going to keep on doing what they do. You can't make anyone see that they are wrong. It seems like most kids in my daughter's generation have a real problem with personal responsibility. I've lost track on how many times I've had to prompt them to apologize for yelling or fighting with their sister or even trying to get them to own up and confess when they've done something wrong. I want them to do this on their own without prompting, but it hasn't happened yet. Maybe my problem is that I expect it to be done immediately when maybe I just need to relax and see if it doesn't happen on its own.

You know what, I don't know how old your kids are, but there comes a point in their lives when you have to let them be responsible for their own actions and have them accept the consequences of them. And your wife needs to make a choice; keep on living this way knowing she could destroy her marriage and her life or get help.

This is the part where we Christians tell you to turn it over to God. I definitely don't want to make light of your situation, but God has foreknowledge of all of what is happening. Trust Him.

Good luck with the ongoing counseling. You're doing the right thing.

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Shmeggly on July 26, 2007, 02:43:47 AM

Hey Mike, your post came at a much needed time.  I am feeling really badly about how I treated my wife today.  And the kids....I have been doing so well, and nobody does seem to notice, and I feel like I am very alone at times.

So much of what you said helped.  I know that my wife needs to speak to someone.  But when I asked her again today (nicely) if she would see this lady, she said "why? I'm fine..."   And after our fight today, I will not be suprised if she doesn't want to talk to me. 

Like I said, she has never wavered in saying she's leaving; has never given me hope in anyway.  Is she hurting, and would talking to someone help?  Yes, I really believe it would.  But it just doesn't seem to likely to happen. 

I'm the rules guy here too!  And things have gone to you know where after we left the church....and my wife had her meltdown.  She is very anti church/God , and is very very bitter about the church.  Because they have "kept her in the marriage" and always say to stick it out etc. 

I am almost at the point where I feel like God is not even there.  I admit it, I am very faithless.  And broken....past the breaking point.  That way today. 

I don't know what else to say.  I haven't been sleeping well, even with sleeping pills.  So I can't think very well.  I know I am tired of fighting, and hurting my wife's feelings, even after she walks all over me or degrades me....

I really appreciated your post Mike.  It sounds like my house. 

I keep wondering when it gets to the point where God steps in and helps?  What do I have to go through mentally for Him to help me?  Call it a lack of faith, but I have had enough already.  I wish I were stronger....and I have given up and called out to God.  I've done everything and anything to give up, submit, pray, beg, whine, cry and plead....and the heavens are brass.  I've tried to be "still and know", and you name it.  Is my frustration showing, because I surely feel it.  And I am tired....

And yet I will say even now....God forgive me....please help me....carry me through this, and forgive my lack of faith, my unbelief, and my selfishness...I'm just so tired and worn out.  Please pray for me....James

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Deborah-Leigh on July 26, 2007, 02:48:22 AM

Hello Claudia

Thank you for your toast on lemonade....I am still being squeezed for the juice! Cheers!

We are all going through pain....some say and some don't....but all will be revealed!

Peace to you

Arcturus :)

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: hillsbororiver on July 26, 2007, 10:25:21 AM

This is definitely a "vicious reality" topic/thread, something we all have experienced to one degree or another.

Before discovering Bible Truths I believed that Revelation was a prophecy of future, literal events and I would blow around like a leaf in the wind when I was reading different authors as they attempted to explain and open up this book. It was pure confusion.

What a blessing when Ray opened up the Words of Revelation by describing it as a prophecy written to every believer in every generation, the trials and tribulations contained in Revelation has been fulfilled literally by some but even more importantly will be fulfilled spiritually by all either in this age or the next.

I have felt like I have been cast in a spiritual prison in the past, even the not so distant past and I will not be surprised if I am once again in that most uncomfortable place. The helpless, boxed in, no where to run feeling where our own mind can become our worst enemy.

Rev 2:10  Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer: behold, the devil shall cast some of you into prison, that ye may be tried; and ye shall have tribulation ten days; be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life.

Here are a few of paragraphs from; http://bible-truths.com/lake3.html

        Now I hope that none will be offended at my next few statements, but if so, so be it. Unless God Almighty through the purging power of His FIERY SPIRIT, is BURNING OUT the lusts and passions and vanity and haughtiness and greed and self-righteousness and laziness and weakness and hypocrisy and wickedness and pride and materialism and cynicism and depravity and carnality in your life, then Jesus Christ is not choosing you to reign with Him as the Sons of God in the Kingdom of God to bring all Heaven and Earth to repentance and salvation!

Such damnable character flaws of the mind and spirit are going to be burned out of us all! God will either BURN OUT these filthy impurities from our hearts and minds NOW, or He will BURN THEM OUT IN THE LAKE OF FIRE, but either way, make no mistake about it, THESE THINGS ARE COMING OUT!!!

JOHN THE BAPTIST: John the Baptist said that Jesus would be baptizing repentant believers with fire.

"I indeed baptize you with water unto REPENTANCE: but He that comes after me is mightier than I, Whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: He shall baptize you with the Holy Spirit, AND WITH FIRE" (Matt. 3:11).

JESUS CHRIST:

"For EVERY ONE [sinner and saint] shall be salted with FIRE" (Mark 9:49).

His Peace to you,

Joe

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: carol70 on July 26, 2007, 11:09:54 AM

Hi James,

Having been in a spiritual prison of my own, I know the pain you're feeling.  It's indescribable and at times all we can do is fall to our knees and cry out to Him for relief. 

A couple of years ago I went to a Christian bookstore.  I was going through a trial at the time and I was looking for some encouragement.  I ended up buying a few stones that each had a saying on them - Hope, Faith, and Let Go.  I haven't kept up with these stones but they have a tendency to pop up at the strangest times. :)  (Now, don't misunderstand me, these aren't idols or anything like that.  As I said, most of the time I don't even know where they are!)

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I was having a day like you just described - the pain was horrendous.  I was driving down the street crying, and searching through my bag to find a tissue.  Well, wouldn't you know it, at the bottom of my bag was one of those stones.  I picked it up and read it.  It said "Let go."  Well, I promptly tossed it back in my bag because letting go was the LAST thing I wanted to hear at that moment.  I was in pain, I needed HOPE, comfort - couldn't God see that?

Well, a few days later things calmed down and I came to some realizations and decisions about things and slowly but surely, that intense pain subsided.  But I realized something else:  The pain started going away when I started letting go.  We all have a tendency to fight change.   But none of us can resist His will.  God uses these prisons to bring us to repentance and transformation.  These fiery trials are intense and they HURT, but take comfort in the fact that you are exactly where He wants you to be and that He will bring you out of this.

2Ti 3:10  But you have fully known my doctrine, manner of life, purpose, faith, long-suffering, love, patience,
2Ti 3:11  persecutions, afflictions, such as happened to me at Antioch, at Iconium, at Lystra. What persecutions I endured! But the Lord delivered me out of all.

Peace and blessings,
Carol
 

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Kat on July 26, 2007, 11:34:33 AM

Hi James,

As Joe pointed out you are in the fire right now.  

Rev 3:19  As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten; therefore be zealous and repent.

You do know that God will not let up until He has corrected whatever He sees wrong in you.  
Though I certainly do not know your situation very well, I may be seeing your wife's perspective a bit here.  I have detected something that has continually come up in you posts.

.....we end up fighting because I brought up a question..... they all take sides against me, I start getting upset.....

And your very last post said...... And after our fight today.

I can see that you have wanted to lead your family it the best way you can, you did say, I'm the rules guy here.....  

I may be wrong, but maybe you have been an authoritarian and have became angered when they did not keep up to the standards you had set?  
I've noticed that your discussions with your wife seem to lead to augmenting.  If you are unable to have a conversation with your wife without becoming angry, you have not overcome what Christ is chastening you of.  And your conversation with your wife, just today, proves you have not.  
Maybe you can not see that you are wanting this 'your' way, is that the main problem here?  
You just want your wife back, but why does she keep running away?  There is a reason, and I believe it is your lack of self control over your anger?
  
I will venture to say that you are more concerned with getting your wife back, than you are at overcoming this anger issue.  I can understand that, but if Jesus Christ's Spirit is working in you, He will keep you in the fire until He has rid you of this problem of self control. And I will quickly add, of course I do not know this to be the problem, I'm just reading into this in an attempt to help you look beyond to find the source of your problems.  
If you put your focus into seeking God to help you overcome, and He is the only way you can, then it may take your attention off of the misery you are going through right now.  
God will like play second fiddle to anything else in our lives.

Mat 6:33  But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you.

Luke 14:26  "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.

This is a hard verse in Luke, but it means you can not put anything else before God.  If He comes first, then the rest of your life will fall into place also.
I hope this is seen in the light that in was intended, just looking at things from a different perspective, not meant to make things harder on you.  If I have misjudged you in any way, please forgive me.  I'm praying for you  :)

mercy, peace, and love
Kat

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Shmeggly on July 26, 2007, 01:37:36 PM

Kat, I do see the truth in what you have said.  The anger did not come from an authoritarian issue, but my asking a question, and my wife taking it the wrong way. (From how I treated her in the past; those pesky past issues!) 

 I get angry when I am treated unreasonably and not allowed to show emotion, which was how I was treated as a child.  Other people have noticed this within our home; it isn't just me.  When I was a kid, if I raised my voice to my parents, or showed any kind of being upset, I was yelled at, threatened, or slapped across the face.  For raising my voice.  For being upset at being treated unfairly.  That's after I was adopted at 6, after being removed from my alcoholic parents. 

Now, having said all that, I am still dealing with being angry, and I know I have healing to do from my childhood.  We both have been pretty strict in our marriage, but we have relaxed over the years.  I am not authoritarian; and I think my family would agree.  I have been angry in our marriage, and so has my wife.

My wife is hurting badly, and has had way too much to deal with over the years, and is a survivor of terrible pain.  I won't go into detail on this....but the way she is acting is hard to deal with to say the least.  Because she is all over the map....one day it's this, the next she doesn't even remember saying that.  This isn't only my observation, it's others and the counsellor said it happens in cases like hers. 

My son stayed out all night one night, and the next night pretty much the same thing.  I didn't get angry, just told him I would like him home at night.  He wasn't out doing anything wrong, just hanging out.  He came home with his ear pierced, which is no big deal to me. 

So I'm explaining this to my wife when she comes home, and she asks why I didn't order my son to stay home etc.  I explained because I have had no support from her, and am always made to feel like it's wrong to restrict him. (She also told me he was ready to move out, because of the stress, even though we do have a good relationship, so between that and the lack of support from my wife, I was afraid to do anything.) 

 So she turns to him, laughing, and joking about his earing, and in the same breath says "you're grounded"...still laughing.  He was as confused as I was....and then later she lets him go out....so...

I'm not trying to defend myself, because I have been wrong many times....but in this case it is not my fault, except to get angry. 

Hillsbororiver, you are right, I just don't know sometimes....I feel abandoned. I know stuff is being burned out of me...and healing needs to take place...

I didn't sleep more than an hour last night, so I am almost delirious....forgive my frustration and lack of faith....James

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: lilitalienboi16 on July 26, 2007, 03:37:01 PM

Quote from: hillsbororiver on July 26, 2007, 10:25:21 AM

This is definitely a "vicious reality" topic/thread, something we all have experienced to one degree or another.

Before discovering Bible Truths I believed that Revelation was a prophecy of future, literal events and I would blow around like a leaf in the wind when I was reading different authors as they attempted to explain and open up this book. It was pure confusion.

What a blessing when Ray opened up the Words of Revelation by describing it as a prophecy written to every believer in every generation, the trials and tribulations contained in Revelation has been fulfilled literally by some but even more importantly will be fulfilled spiritually by all either in this age or the next.

I have felt like I have been cast in a spiritual prison in the past, even the not so distant past and I will not be surprised if I am once again in that most uncomfortable place. The helpless, boxed in, no where to run feeling where our own mind can become our worst enemy.

Rev 2:10  Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer: behold, the devil shall cast some of you into prison, that ye may be tried; and ye shall have tribulation ten days; be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life.

Here are a few of paragraphs from; http://bible-truths.com/lake3.html

        Now I hope that none will be offended at my next few statements, but if so, so be it. Unless God Almighty through the purging power of His FIERY SPIRIT, is BURNING OUT the lusts and passions and vanity and haughtiness and greed and self-righteousness and laziness and weakness and hypocrisy and wickedness and pride and materialism and cynicism and depravity and carnality in your life, then Jesus Christ is not choosing you to reign with Him as the Sons of God in the Kingdom of God to bring all Heaven and Earth to repentance and salvation!

Such damnable character flaws of the mind and spirit are going to be burned out of us all! God will either BURN OUT these filthy impurities from our hearts and minds NOW, or He will BURN THEM OUT IN THE LAKE OF FIRE, but either way, make no mistake about it, THESE THINGS ARE COMING OUT!!!

JOHN THE BAPTIST: John the Baptist said that Jesus would be baptizing repentant believers with fire.

"I indeed baptize you with water unto REPENTANCE: but He that comes after me is mightier than I, Whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: He shall baptize you with the Holy Spirit, AND WITH FIRE" (Matt. 3:11).

JESUS CHRIST:

"For EVERY ONE [sinner and saint] shall be salted with FIRE" (Mark 9:49).

His Peace to you,

Joe

Amen Joe!

Hello schmeggly, i've been stalking the thread reading all the posts, just wanted to say that i too, lost the girl that ment more then the world to me right beneath Christ.

Sorry my story didn't have a happy ending, but what happened to me, had to happen, because the beast i was needed to be exposed, and the things i done come to light.

However! The story HASN'T ENDED, so at this point in my life i don't have that girl, but i do have the most important thing in the entirety of the universe and the history of mankind, and that is JESUS CHRIST! Praise Him =]

I, as everyone else here, is with you, and i pray the Lords will be done, and that He give you understanding - no matter what that may be.

Love in Christ,

Alex

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: gmik on July 26, 2007, 06:03:46 PM

Alex, and other young ones &singles out there,

Don't be in a big rush to find a spouse!!!!!  You see in this thread and so many others, one of the biggest sources of unhappiness & pain in life, is a wrong spouse.  Wait for God to bring your soul mate.  Or he she may never come.  Who knows what Gods plan for your journey is? 

Jesus is our soul mate.  Fall in love w/ Him. (It sounds like you have Alex)

I have been married 33 years. I dumped and was dumped by the "perfect" one several times. Dont settle or be in a rush.( And there have been many times I sure wished I was single :D )

God knows what we all need and what it takes for us in this life.

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Kat on July 26, 2007, 06:05:44 PM

Hi James,

Your problems are no doubt very complicated.  I think I was just trying to help you take the focus off of what was causing so much pain, and focus on trying to move yourself toward Christ.  In so doing I think it will help your situation all the way around.
But that is it for my trying to be a marriage councilor.
But I will continue to pray.

Mercy, peace, and love
Kat

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: GODSown1 on July 26, 2007, 10:32:22 PM

Hey!!! my brother James,
                               Hang in der my bro, I know a day will cum wen U will b lookn back @ it all, Praising the LORD harder! & Louder den eva :), I Pray 2 the FATHER d@ day cumz very very soon 4 U my brother in CHRIST, I feel ur pain ma brother. Trust in the LORD!, I know U do, its da mind d@ makes fingZ! Harder den dey really r az We know! "Nothing is Impossible for GOD!" HE is in Control!, Im sorry brother if im soundn like a broken record, Plez 4giv me if i am, Jus know I Love U brother, & I believe I speak 4 all else here in dis Forum, GODBLESS! U & I know HE is with U, Peace b wit U James.
                               muchLOVE!! Pera

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Shmeggly on July 27, 2007, 07:11:04 PM

Thanks Pera.  I do appreciate what you say, because I know you've been through it too!  And I know you're right. 

Kat, same thing, I do appreciate you trying to get my focus off the problem and on God.  Realize I may not have been rational the last few days, due to stress and lack of sleep.  I may not be through the woods, but I did feel like I let go, even though things still bother me at times.  I just try to keep telling myself to let go. 

Just for the record, things are not any better, but we're on speaking terms.  My wife let a "freudian slip" out and said she was leaving for her protection....she then said that wasn't right that she said that, etc.  She said she wasn't afraid of me physically (but I know emotionally and intimately she is) but she gets very "threatened" (her words) when we talk and are getting along!  Like laughing and getting along!  I am not kidding...and I know that has all to do with her past. 

She needs some control over things and she is afraid to let me in, or she might change her mind about leaving.  She is afraid....I wish she would go talk to someone, she is suffering and doesn't know it, and certainly doesn't know why....but I do. 

Basically, God is in control.  I have no control over what she does.  I am still praying for her healing and being made whole, but I have let go. 

Thanks for your prayers....I think I need to start focusing on something else...and just go out and relax! 

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: cjwood on July 30, 2007, 06:41:06 PM

hi james,
i have been following your thread for awhile now and i can't recall if you have ever let us know if your wife believes in God, and believes that Jesus Christ and the Scriptures are trully from God.  if she is a believer is it possible for her to post on the forums so that we can meet her in that way and give her love and support?  i know that we have to be approved to be eligible to come to the forums, so i don't know how that would be for her.  i was just thinking maybe she could receive healing and support from us.  maybe i am wrong in this.  i don't know.  just wanted to ask.

remember His love,
claudia

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: iris on July 30, 2007, 10:15:40 PM

Hi James,

Focusing on something else would probably help. Maybe just to get your mind somewhere else for a while. My prayers will be with you.


Iris

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Shmeggly on July 31, 2007, 12:03:39 AM

Thank you all....

My wife is a believer but very jaded against "christians"....she has looked into Buddhism etc....she is very "open" and questions everything.  So she won't be posting here, she is looking for support elsewhere.

I am at the point where I have simply let go.  I am focusing on other things, and am ready to just live my life. 

take care, and see you all on here somewhere!  James

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: GODSown1 on July 31, 2007, 02:02:10 AM

muchLOVE!! 2 U James,
                              I Pray our FATHER BlesSes U most abundantly! ma bro, I know it is so Hard brother, But 2 telL u da Truth Im @ home but im not sure if I can call it my home, ilL just leave it 2 GOD coz I certainly cant make much sense of it, Brother I Pray u get great understanding very soon 2 Y all dis is happening, I feel 4 U my bro az I believe my situation is jus abit better :), GODBlesS! James take much care, Peace be with U soonr den later.
                               muchLOVE!! Pera

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Seraphim on August 01, 2007, 06:27:48 AM

Dear Shmeggly
I too am moved by what you are saying and the upheaval you are going through. I have prayed from my heart that God will give you strength. If this is the end, then it is also a new beginning. Out of chaos stars are created. If you feel totally annihilated, just let go into God and a new inner strength can arise.

I've been through hell and back myself a few times so I can empathize with what I feels like.
And those smug idiots in church? You should be feeling smug at them for they are shallow in their arrogance and you have been deepened lots. And with that greater deepening (that feels like a huge monstrous hole), a greater tornado of Holy Spirit can burst forth and lead you towards whatever 'calling' God has given you.

Be at peace with yourself and thank Jehovah for the blessings that are about to come!

Love Seraphim. :-*

Title: Re: My own private hell
Post by: Shmeggly on August 01, 2007, 02:33:51 PM

Thanks Seraphim...I too am feeling if this is the end, then I have a new beginning.  Even though it is still hard, I just have to let go.  So either way is fine, and in some ways I want to be on my own just to say goodbye to the garbage....

Anyway, I am trying to let go without getting bitter, or forgetting God.  I have to be careful because I know I need to be submitting to Him daily, and not let myself get caught up in seeking out a relationship or anything like that.  That is the easy thing to do, but not what I'm supposed to do.  I feel that no matter what.

Life can take many twists and turns, and I've had many people outside this forum say they've been at the brink of seperation and divorce, and things turn around.  It doesn't appear that way here, but I could if healing takes place....