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=> Off Topic Discussions => Topic started by: Beloved on March 16, 2008, 12:00:22 AM
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I think that this is a good joke to start with
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The
Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." The disciples
looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus
mean - the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9? Peter
said, "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."
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Beloved......Ha some math humor ;D
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I think that this is a good joke to start with
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The
Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." The disciples
looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus
mean - the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9? Peter
said, "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."
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Beloved......Ha some math humor ;D
Aaaauuugghhh!!!
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I thought that was funny, in a dorky kinda way haha.
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;D ;D ;D cute
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A minister would up the services one morning by saying, "next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.
Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."
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A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor.
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." The congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river." The congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
The preacher sat down. The deacon stood up. "For our closing hymn," he announced, "let us turn to page 126 and sing, 'We shall gather at the river'."
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Beloved, your joke was fine. Don't hesitate to post more. And that also applies to the rest of you fine people here. ;)
Believe it or not, this one's actually true:
Three nuns went to a football game and three men got stuck sitting behind them. The men couldn't see very well because of the nun's little nun hats. So they came up with a plan to make them leave.
"I think I'll move to California, there's only 50 Catholics there," said the first man.
"I think I'll move to Washington, there's only 25 Catholics there."
"I think I'll move to Idaho, there's only 10 Catholics there."
Then one of the nuns turned around. "Go to Hell, there are NO Catholics there."
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Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
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I think that this is a good joke to start with
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The
Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." The disciples
looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus
mean - the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9? Peter
said, "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."
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Beloved......Ha some math humor ;D
ROFL! "The kingdom of heaven is like unto mc^2 when f(x) does not equal zero." LAWL :D
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A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.
Slightly p'd off at having to listen to this, the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day, I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife that I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family. I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I've offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."
"Look, there you go again," said the man. "How can you make such a sweeping statement? Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?
"Of course not!" gasped the nun. The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."
"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?" asked the man.
"Well, I really don't know..."
"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."
"Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of iniquity; it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than in the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."
"Well, let's go inside and settle this."
"No, my son, I could never enter such a place, but how about this? Take my tin cup with you and fill it with the "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."
"You're on!" said the guy.
The nun removed all the change from the tin cup and handed it to him. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup, please?"
The bartender sighed and said, "Is that nun out there again?"
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Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning, son."
"Good morning, pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:00 am or the 10:00 service.;?"
Beloved
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;D Oh Beloved and Sorin... ahahahah!! Good ones!
(http://dl7.glitter-graphics.net/pub/831/831527mtf6rmnlqe.gif) (http://www.glitter-graphics.com)
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Q: How many Universal Salvationists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. God has predetermined when & where we will see the light! :)
Joyce :)
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Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will this 'woman' cost?"
God replied, "That will cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
;D
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Good one!!
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:D oh! you BAD boys!! ahahahahaha!
Joyce :)
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Q: Why was Adam created first?
A: To give him a chance to say something
Here is an example of what somes guys can do when given a little information
Some men were discussing the Bible. They were wondering how many apples Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden.
First man: I think there was only one apple in the Garden.
Second man: I think there were ten apples. Adam 8 and Eve ate 2.
Third man: I think there were sixteen apples. Eve 8 and Adam 8 also.
Fourth man: I think all three of you are wrong. If Eve 8 and Adam 82, that would be a total of 90 apples.
Fifth man: You guys don't know how to add at all. According to history, Eve 81 and Adam 82. That would be a total of 163 apples.
Sixth man: Wait a minute! If Eve 81 and Adam 812, that would make a total of 893 apples.
Seventh man: None of you guys understand the problem in the slightest. According to my figuring, if Eve 814 Adam and Adam 8124 Eve, that would be a total of 8,938 apples in the garden.
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lawl @ beloved!
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Okay we are back in the garden
And the first thing God said to them was:
"Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit, said God."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"
Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly.
"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants
Beloved
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A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was very angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why DID you do it? " God asked exasperatedly.
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so hard on yourself. , what makes you think it should be a piece of cake for you?
beloved
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"OU812--First family's last words before banishment?"
(Documentary by S. Hagar/E. & A. Van Halen & Co.)
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Some really funny ones here. Thanks everyone! :D :)
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The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy."
Beloved
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Very cute! lol :D ;D
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(Ok y'all, you have to physically do this to get the joke)
Make the cross sign (as the Catholics do...you know, first touch your forehead, then touch your lower chest, then touch your right chest and then touch your left chest (only keep tapping the left side of your chest).....
so now what do you have?
A STUTTERING PRIEST
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Hello, Everyone!
Thanks for the laughs! I have a cute joke for you at least I thought it was when my nephew told it to me:
A drunk man walking along the beach noticed a preacher baptizing new people to church. The drunk man not knowing what the preacher was doing waited in line. When it was his turn the preacher grabbed him dunked him under and brought him back up and asked"did you find Jesus?" the drunk man said "No". So, the preacher dunked him again and repeated" Did you find Jesus?", the drunk man so "No", so the preacher kept repeatedly kept asking the same question and dunking the man. The Last time the preacher asked the drunk man "did you find Jesus?", the drunk man said No, was suppose to be there somewhere?"
I know this sounds corny but coming from a 10 year old boy I thought it was cute and something only a few select would get.
With God's love,
Frecklegirl417(pam)
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:D ahahahah! Susan and Freckelgirl!