Hey Brothers & Sisters in Christ,
I just wanted to take a moment and tell of the joy that is happening since my last testimony post. It definitely shows that although we may see only darkness and dismay, God is still right there working His miracles.
Since my last post, I have stopped having sexual relations (total time being about two months). God placed a conviction on me that I shouldn't do it anymore. I will be honest: I fought with Him over it for about a week and a half. I would say things such as, “God, this isn't fair. Why should I be denied this? Why do I have to be singled out? This is completely, and totally 200% NOT FAIR. [carnal man/beast talking in full force]” The response was, “Who will you serve - Me or your flesh?” Words cannot express how utterly humbling that question was. He knew the answer I'd give even though I didn't at the time. I continued to wrestle with it, and then one day (thanks to a certain sister on the forum for being a vessel
), the realization really sunk in that when God asks us to give up something, He gives us something far, far, far, FAR greater and better in return. My desire to be with and follow Him overrode my desire for fleshly pleasure – all His doing.
Then, I wrestled with how to tell the other person involved that I could no longer participate in sexual relations. I couldn't for the life of me think of a way. I thought about breaking it off completely, but my conscience condemned me for it – it felt like a sin. I thought of lying to avoid being alone with the person, but that also felt like a sin. I had reached my wit's end trying to wrestle with what to do. I felt dirty for even contemplating committing one sin to keep from committing another. Just when I was feeling completely frazzled, mentally, another sister from the forum was a vessel just at the right moment, and suggested to just tell the person the truth. Finally, at long last, I had an option that felt right and didn't stain my conscience.
I told the person about the conviction. I said, “I love you, and I would do anything for you – except disobey God. I can't do that because He put the desire in me to obey Him. I can only hope that you understand.” The other person was very quiet and didn't open up about it until later that night. It was in that conversation that I received a tremendous shock. His response was: “OK. I don't understand this, and I may not like it. However, WE will obey God. God said no more of that, and I'll just have to get used to it. I wouldn't dare ask you to disobey Him.” Mentally, I was floored. I was expecting anything but that.
Some might be thinking that because the relationship is still there that that somehow belittles this marvelous miracle of God. God knows what He's doing, and in His time, the relationship will end as well. By His Grace, I have full faith in that.
There is a new battle now – the lust for women that is slowly creeping its way in on top of the remaining lust for men (though that one is diminishing). While lust of any kind is a sin, I have never, ever, been sexually attracted to a woman. My desire in all of this is to be an eunuch for Him. I don't want to be attracted to anyone. I'm tired of lust – in any form: sick and tired and fed up with the lot of it. However, God knows what He's doing, so I'm keeping faith by His Grace. His Will will be done – not mine.
Jer 18:6 (YLT) As this potter am I not able to do to you? O house of Israel, an affirmation of Jehovah. Lo, as clay in the hand of the potter, So are ye in My hand, O house of Israel.
Throughout all of this, I cannot thank Him enough. I cannot say, in words, how truly Wonderful, Mighty, Glorious, Merciful, and Awesome our God is. Words fail me. I'm left struck in awe. Our God is truly Faithful and True! Glory to Him in the absolute Highest! There is Joy and Peace growing inside me at long last – despite the raging of the storm.
Hopefully, God will use this to comfort and strengthen someone. I take no credit for any of this. All is of Him, and all Glory, Honor, Praise, and Majesty belongs to Him.
Blessings & Joy to you all,
John
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Topic: Work in Progress - Part 2 (Read 4275 times)