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[Sue Creamer]

Hi all..
I would like to hear all your comments on child rearing.  I was in a church for 20+ years that taught "spanking" was not only acceptable but mandatory.  I recall the scripture that states to spare the rod is to spoil the child.  I was a single mom for 18+ years and I did not spare the rod, I did love my children very much and "spanking" was not an easy thing to do.  It was not uncommon for me to find my quiet place later and cry because I hated to inflict pain on my children in order to correct and teach them.  I have always tried to relate to our relationship with God and I know he "corrects those he loves" and sometimes it is not without pain.  My children are now grown and I now watch them struggle with my
grandchildren.  I try to give Godly advise that would help them, but I admit I don't always trust that I am giving wise answers.  I know from reading the forum that many of you have children and you probably struggle to understand at times the balance needed in dealing with these little ones.   
Many thanks!
Sue Ann

[Akira329]

Hey Sue,
When I was in my younger years I used to get spankings too. I recall a few of them and they were not pleasant.
Looking back though I remember why I got each one of them. My dad never gave me a spanking when I did wrong
he gave me a spanking when the wrong required a spanking to correct. I remember my dad saying, "I do all the fighting
around here!" but that was just it!!! I got spankings for fighting and completely disobeying my parents.
When my dad said no running in the house he meant it! No fighting he meant it! I would seem from my childhood experience of spankings
is that violent behavior from me required a spanking from my dad. My dad never gave me a spanking for lying or even fighting at school.
He would talk to me about those things. So I saw him selectively choosing when to give me a good whooping!
I don't know how he felt afterwards, I don't think thats important for the child to know except that when you disobey there are
consequences.

I love him for doing that to me!!!!!
My dad instilled fear in me and shame and humiliation! I thought more than twice about the things I did.
I didn't act crazy around my parents or in public, I never hit them back because the punishment would have gotten worse.
I also learned really quick having a nephew who didn't know when to stop. I learned the benefits of obeying and the consequences of
disobeying

I don't know if I helped you but to sum it up, ask God for guidance because you can't spank a child for everything they do wrong but you can discipline for everything.

The rod of correction hurts but works

Does anybody else have similar stories or advise??
 

[Sue Creamer]

I appreciate your comments...
Your father sounds much like my own.  I don't remember many hard wackes across the behind but when they happened I never forgot them. 

My daughter is a single parent now and I think my granddaughter (age 5) is a prime example of today's youth!  She is a handfull....AND the thing I don't understand is my daughter does correct her, not just with spankings but in many other ways.   

I believe anything my daughter did hold against me for the "spankings" she received in youth has made her rethink her past conviction that I was to hard on her.   I have come to believe that rearing children is more for the parent's growth.  My kids have taught me so much.. and WOW!  what lessons they can teach us as adults.   

[carol70]

Hi Sue,

My father was a scary man growing up, lol.  He believed in spankings and me and my brother got them on a few occasions but it was the mental "correction" (some may call it abuse) that kept me in fear of him.  So now, in trying to discipline and correct my two year-old son, I'm much more concerned with how he responds to me emotionally.  I don't want him to fear me like I feared my dad.  I want him to understand when his actions are inappropriate and to respond accordingly.  I don't want him to do right because "mom makes me feel like less than a human when I do wrong" - you know?

Anyway, I'm still trying to figure it out!

Love and peace,
Carol

[Sue Creamer]

Hi Carol,
I agree with you, maybe it is not so much the physical pain that will scar a child but if that pain is attached to mental abuse then it is a dark thing.

Society loves the word  "punishment" and I use to believe it should be so,  but now I wonder, does God actually punish or does he merely correct???  Guess there is a big difference.  Yet God may inflict pain with his correction...do you agree??
 

[ciy]

Love em and spank em and love em some more.

CIY

[skydreamers]

I think it's all about getting to know your child.  I use to be totally against spanking...that was before I had children . 

Although I've only had to resort to spanking a couple of times, I could see that in that situation it seemed to be the most effective, and so far only with my strong-willed son. 

My daughter responds well to other disciplines, but the time may come when time-outs and removing of privileges won't work with her either in every situation.  I've learned to try and  assess things as I go.  My children are only 2 and 5, so things may change. 

I think the key is to do everything with respect, firmness, consistency and LOVE.

Obviously, it is never good or beneficial to the child to spank out of anger or frustration.  I did this once to my son one day, when I was at the end of my rope and totally frustrated...oh ya, it stunned him and worked temporarily, but then he thought it was okay to turn around and hit his sister on another occasion when he was frustrated.  Bad news. 

I have tried to avoid spanking at all costs just because I'm still uncomfortable with it, but I can see when administered by loving and responsible parents it can be effective for a child who doesn't respond to other forms of discipline. 

I've read several parenting books, and in the end, I think it all comes down to trying to assess your child's currency, and what they respond to best in the long run.  This is not always easy.  But it's apparent to me, that God does not use the same "form" of discipline on all his children at all times. 

I wish there was a magic formula for getting your children to behave properly but then if there was an easy way, I'm sure God wouldn't have to give us this experience of life in which he is consistently disciplining and correcting.  Learning is not just about knowing, but experiencing. 

I agree with what you said here Sue:

I have come to believe that rearing children is more for the parent's growth.  My kids have taught me so much.. and WOW!  what lessons they can teach us as adults.   

NO KIDDING!  A big Amen to that!

Peace,
Diana

 

[Kat]

Hi Sue Ann,

Well spanking is a touchy issue with a lot of people.  I have three girls (24,19,17), and as a parents know they all had different personalities.  So I think you have to deal with each situation as child as it arises. 
I would be very flexible and didn't hesitate to change, sometimes in midstream to if need be.  And I would use a progression of corrections, sometimes all I had to do was give them a good talk, but of course this was the first course of action.  You have to determine what effects your child, and see what is the best way to get them to comply to what you want of them.  I only used spanking a few times, when it progressed to that.  One of mine was very sensitive and a verbal correction would send her to tears.  While another was more defiant, this was something I looked out for, deliberate defiance. 
I let many thing go even if it got on my nerves, there are many things that are done without being malicious.  Pick your battles wisely. 
I feel like you have to remember they are human beings, that will being in your life a few short years.  Don't get caught up in your own personal problems and take it out on them, they are smart, and they know when you being unfair.  That's why I would be very flexible, even to change something I had decided, if I determined I was too much later.  This I do not feel is being inconsistance, but willing to admit I was wrong, I they understood that. 
Words have a very power effect on people, and I was always very careful not to say something demeaning or even rude. 
I love these girls and I always want them to be a part of my life.  At this point we have a great relationship.
We show loving kindness and respect for one another, that a wonderful thing to have 

mercy, peace, and love
Kat

[little rock]

interesting topic when i first looked to God for answers on how to deal with a very aggresive 3yr old son He lead me to search his word for answers.time and again i found a constant responsibility fall on myself to "train up a child in the way he should go,and when he is old he will not depart from it"proverbs22:6 also "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child,the rod of correction will drive it far from him"proverbs 22:15.God lead me to deal with my son by firstly removing him to a place to discuss the attitude behind the action.always asking "what have you done ?" as apposed to"why did you do this?" the aim -to accept accountability.i would then read from Gods word Deut 5:6-21 which is the commandments.followed by explaining to my son that i was accountable to God to teach him these commands."oh that they had such a heart in them that they would fear Me and always keep all my commandments ,that it might be well with them and with their children"Deut 6:29.i would then use the strap (if action/attitude required so) to discipline in accordance with "he who spares the rod hates his son,but he who loves him disciplines him promptly"proverbs 13:24.this is not a quick process and would take 5-10 min however the word is spirit and does not return void.my sons behavour changed very quickly from hitting and spitting to saying sorry to God in accordance with psalm 51 :1-4 "have mercy upon me ,O God according to your loving kindness,according to the multitude of your tender mercies,blot out my transgressions ,wash me throughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.for i acknowledge my transgressions and my sin is always before me.against you,you only,have i sinned,and done this evil in your sight..."the idea to make my son dependant on God and accountable to him.James is now 4 1/2 and has a much better concept on my role as a mother and what God expects from him.i often only have to caution him on his attitude or actions,before i started this i used to smack with my hand untill God showed me that the hand was for blessing.i praise God for his word saved my son."do not withhold correction from a child for if you beat(not literally )him with a rod he will not die.you shall beat (not to much!!)him with a rod and deliver his soul from sheol".also the reading gives one plenty of time to be calm and not hit out of anger only love.God Bless.

[Extol]

Hi Sue,
 It would be difficult to find someone who is more supportive of chastening children than I am. Whether it's spanking, grounding, sending child to room, putting to work, or anything else, I know that it can be VERY effective. I speak from experience, both as chastener and chastenee (are those words?  ). The child I watch fears me, loves me, and respects me. He certainly doesn't do this because it's what he was taught--he does it because I've disciplined him. It wasn't always easy and it didn't happen overnight, but it has been enormously effective. Here is the remarkable thing: He behaves quite differently when he is not under my watch, and it's not difficult to understand why.    For Mother's Day this year I sent my mom a card saying THANK YOU for all of the times she yelled at me, spanked me, sent me to my room, etc....because I understand now that she was doing it because she loved me. I've been a nanny/au pair for over two years, and I've witnessed hundreds of circumstances where parents should have done something and didn't. The results were always disastrous and embarrassing, and no good ever comes of it...because the child will do the same thing the very next day if he/she knows there will be no consequences.