Twentynine Lines to make you smile.

[Samson]

Thought this was Funny,

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE


1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.


2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.


3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.


4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.




6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me


7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.



9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.





11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.



12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.


13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.



14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.



15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?






16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!



17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.



18 . Procrastinate Now!








19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?



20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.



21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.



22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!


23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.



24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.








26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.



27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.








28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.



29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.



Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!    Life is too short and friends are too few!



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         I liked #3,5 & 23 especially, Samson.
                 

[Ninny]

Samson, after #23 I hope you're hiding in a really good place! heehee!
Kathy

[Samson]

Samson, after #23 I hope you're hiding in a really good place! heehee!
Kathy

Kathy,

          The problem is, if your a guy, your never sure when it's going to strike. I've tried to Mathematically
calculate when my Wife's PMS is going to occur, to be prepared and she changes the timing on me. Who
ever heard of getting PMS two weeks before the arrival of ones monthly " Friend" and a variety of Hot
Flashes in between, with no basis in Science, the unpredictability of it all is the Stressor for me. God is
training and disiplining me primarily in the area of Patience and Tolerance, of that I'm sure. 


                                    Kind Regards, Samson.

[Ninny]

Ok, I'll give you a good hint! keep her away from bright lights, don't get her wet, and NEVER FEED HER AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!  Did you see the movie "Gremlins" from the 80's? Better watch it, dude! This movie is about the gentle Mogwai who undergoes some horrible changes if subjected to the aforementioned circumstances. I think you will see the correlation!
I'm lookin' out for you! heeheehee!
Kathy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpL_MxjSu1M&feature=related

[judith collier]

What a joy, the end of hormones. Now I can think like a man. I want a younger husband, to hell with cooking and housework, no more pleasing anybody, give ME that darn tuner! I love it, say you don't love me anymore honey, who in the blank cares! I think I might need to get that hot wax stuff for the hair on my chin. Are you men grossed out yet? I hope so because I am trying out gross stuff now. The other day when I noticed I hadn't done laundry for awhile I didn't have any more clean underwear so I put on my husband's undershorts, gosh they felt good, all that cotton. Guess I will wear them for a few more days or so. Ha Ha Ha Ha  Judy

[Vangie]

Judy, did you drink some of Musicman's koolaid this morning?    (Just turn those undies inside out and you can go another few days!) 

[firefly77]

Hi all,
My personal favorite is # 1. It sounded sooo familiar! 
Great stuff, Samson.
Angie

[Ninny]

Judy! I am cracking up I say AMEN sista!! hahahaha! I love it!! Hormones are so overrated!! heehee! Vangie, now that is funny! I needed a good laugh this morning!  Let's all get that recipe from musicman! He won't mind sharing! Hey, Judy, I'm with you! Where are those younger men!! 
Whew! Now I've got to regain my composure and go take care of my grandbabies!! heeehee! I'm going to chuckle about this for a couple of hours!!
Kathy

[meee]

Judy, did you drink some of Musicman's koolaid this morning?    (Just turn those undies inside out and you can go another few days!) 

quote author=Judy link=topic=10081.msg85828#msg85828 date=1244032157]
What a joy, the end of hormones. Now I can think like a man. I want a younger husband, to hell with cooking and housework, no more pleasing anybody, give ME that darn tuner! I love it, say you don't love me anymore honey, who in the blank cares! I think I might need to get that hot wax stuff for the hair on my chin. Are you men grossed out yet? I hope so because I am trying out gross stuff now. The other day when I noticed I hadn't done laundry for awhile I didn't have any more clean underwear so I put on my husband's undershorts, gosh they felt good, all that cotton. Guess I will wear them for a few more days or so. Ha Ha Ha Ha  Judy
[/quote]
Oh my goodness , this cracks me up!!!!!!!!
              ;Dmeee 

[jassy]

My husband laughingly  said the other day he could now trade me in for two younger models that make up my age without getting arrested.
Having a sense of  humour deficit that day I shot back. Sure, you go laddie, get yourself two nubile young chickadees. and for nubile read, fertile and hormonely charged.
I wish you many, many babys and PMS episodes!!!
After a moments thought, he paled visibly about the gills and vowed never to make that joke again.

[judith collier]

I love it when women confuse their men. Did you ever catch that look they have for a minute that says," what does she want, what should I say, somebody help me" I guess that happens because the ol' hubbies can only carry one thought in their head at a time. The biggest one that cracks me up is when a woman makes a connection to something else in a conversation and the men think they are still talking about the first subject. Then when they realize they are on the wrong subject the look is down right pathetic with raw fear. Poor guys BUT they deserve it for not paying close attention when we are talking. Judy