Don't know why I sent this to poor Ray. Last thing he needs is another long email. Should have just gotten it off my chest here. So here it is -- my testimony.
Dear Ray,
I hope you are doing better and don't mean to add to your workload. I've come full circle to total confusion.
When I discovered the Lake of Fire 5 years ago -- I thought I had been let inside of the most incredible spiritual truths I had ever known. I devoured every word you wrote and every audio produced. I read all of Mike's stuff too. I even had a slight notion that I might actually be one of the elect because of these great secrets of scripture God was showing me.
I devoted hours and hours to study, prayer, participating in the forum and self-flagellating myself to humility. I prayed for truth. I beat myself up for the slightest sin.
When you and Mike fell out. I continued to read you both for a very long time. I eventually came down with you on the Christ Made Sin thing, but it was a long road to get there. I was fellowshipping with Mike's group on Sunday afternoons on Skype and participating in your forum.
Then Mike took the Christ made sin thing and changed it to the Christ is carnal thing. Maybe he was saying that all along but to me, he hadn't. Many of us quit fellowshipping with Mike then. His website closed down because those running it disagreed with his teaching as well.
But a few of us started our own skype fellowship and invited others. First there was an endless argument about the new man/old man that ended with a split between those two debaters.
The group decided to study Revelation together. Ha ha ha ha. I guess you know how that went.
One of us wanted to study the man of perdition being a real man. The rest of us didn't. I won't go on about what all the problems were but I was receiving pages and pages of emails every day of endless scriptural arguments.
The forum was no better. I used to go on the forum and actually offer a lot of answers to questions. I was under the perception that I actually knew something. Most of it was based on stuff I had learned through you, Mike and Andrew Jukes.
Then one of our fellowship members rebelled at the man-of-perdition-is-real thing and quit. We were all ready to bail but he was first. But before quitting he read your Two Towers papers, and declared you a heretic. Then he read some Jukes and declared him a heretic, Since my favorite book was The Types of Genesis, his calling Jukes a heretic too was even more confusing.
Every teacher I had listened to was a heretic? So when I was praying and praying and praying and praying for years for truth, I received heresy? Cool. I am the strong delusion. Thanks so much God.
I just couldn't stand the arguing anymore.
I became unable to study or read the Bible at all. Apparently there are not two people on the planet that agree. The endless scriptural arguments made my brain freeze.
Who are these elect? I can't find them. Who in the heck are the members of the body of Christ and how am I supposed to be a part of them? Ain't any in my West Texas town. All I know are hell-believers.
The only person I ever met in my 5 years in this journey since the Lake of Fire series that I thought was probably elect was Willard Rogers. A kind and gentle soul to me but I know he was a friend you had a falling out with so your opinion is probably different.
Last time I read Matthew I had no clue what a single word of it meant anymore. Gibberish. I used to read Matthew thinking I had a clue. I was just so-o-o-o spiritual.
THEN THIS:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2009-07-27-baby-killed_N.htm Now one thing I believe in is God's sovereignty but I have always had a problem with your explanations of God not forcing us to sin but simply creating us to sin. Before I started reading the Lake of Fire, my problem was that people gave God credit for the good stuff and no responsibility for the bad.
I called it my "unanswered prayer" argument. Don't all victims of rape, murder, kidnapping, war and violence pray? Aren't we all praying in the trenches. If God chooses not to answer prayer, doesn't that make Him responsible. If God doesn't answer the prayers of the victims then isn't God also guilty of the crime.
Ray, there is a woman in San Antonio that has decapitated and eaten the brain of her infant. I feel nothing but overwhelming pity and sadness for her. Where is God?
How can I pray?
I have been walking around for years kicking myself because of the stupidest stuff. OH NO. I wrote a school excuse saying my son was sick when he actually came home way too late last night and is just tired. Will God ever excuse this awful lie?
OH NO. I dropped the F-bomb in front of the teenagers again when that 18-wheeler was slipping into my lane. Will God ever excuse me. What an awful, awful person I am. Terrible, terrible. Just a wad of carnal flesh am I.
Well when does God have to answer. I spent decades arguing with God over the hell doctrine before reading the Lake of Fire and now I'm arguing with him again. When does God have to answer?
After 5 decades of migraine that have controlled my life I was finally screaming at God a few weeks ago to either heal me or kill me. I can't take it anymore. He did neither so I went for new meds and started even another natural treatment plan too. If the country collapses and I lose air-conditioning and medication I will eat the oleander. It will be self-euthanasia and not suicide. I will not make it. Is death by oleander really painful? I'm picturing foaming at the mouth with horrific gut pain -- all better than migraine.
Who the hell knows the truth? Where are the elect? Why can no one agree? Why is the Word so convoluted in translation that the meaning is completely obscure?
Why am I kicking myself about still dropping the F-bomb when there is a woman in San Antonio who is so sadly, tragically ill that she would decapitate her infant and eat the poor thing's brains and a few toes. Yes, she ate some toes too.
Hey God. Who do you answer to? I used to say, just like you taught me Ray, that it's one big character building journey here on earth as God creates us into His image. But GOD. There is a woman in San Antonio eating her baby's brains.
I can't read the Word. I can't pray for help for anything. I still believe but it is surrounded by complete confusion.
I only go to your forum to check on your health now. There they all are, arguing the fine points of scripture as if they have a clue. I have taken up gardening and arguing with God again. I don't understand. And frankly, I am so tired of listening to and arguing myself about the fine points of scripture.
This 'elect' thing is laughable. I actually started laughing out loud this morning at myself for ever thinking I was part of the elect at one time. That is so funny.
God, there is a woman in San Antonio eating her baby's brains and toes. Did we really need that?
Makes me want to drop a bunch of F-bombs and go check my tomatoes.
I still love you though Ray. But after 5 years of study, I understand less than ever.
Carol V