Hi joneseva,
I'm glad you have joined us
You do seem to be in need of like minded friends, I hope you will continue to come here for this fellowship, it kind of takes you out of the world for a little while. I see your situation has you tied up in knots, you are worried about everything and I can understand how this can happen. But think of it this way, God is sovereign and is in total control, your situation has not escaped His attention. You need to unload all of these burdens onto Jesus Christ.
Mat 11:28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
v. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
v. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
Think about it, what good does any of your fears and worries accomplish? You are concerned to the point of making yourself sick over things that may not even happen, so what good is all this worry?
Luke 12:22 Then He said to His disciples, "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on.
v. 23 Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothing.
v. 24 Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn; and God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds?
v. 25 And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
v. 26 If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest?
v. 27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
v. 28 If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith?
v. 29 "And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind.
v. 30 For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things.
v. 31 But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you.
You seem to be doing the best you can do, so rely on God to take care of the rest. You remember how Peter saw Jesus walking on the water (Matt 14)? Well Peter wanted to do what Jesus was doing and you know what, he did... as long as he kept his eyes on Jesus. But when he diverted his eyes and saw all the physical stuff happening around him, he became afraid and guess what... he started sinking.
The physical things in this world are the things that are necessary for the time being, for this experience of life, both good and evil. This world is a hard place, but God will give you the strength to stand in the face of all adversity just don't give up, take one day at a time, do the best you can do and let God work out the rest. There are only a very few that even see Christ walking on the water, you are one of such a tiny group, ignore all the raging wind and take His hand, He will not let you sink.
Rom 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
v. 19 For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God.
v. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
v. 36 As it is written:
"For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter."
v. 37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.
v. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come,
v. 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I know things look dark right now, but there is a great light that is within your reach.
2Peter 1:19 We also have a more sure Word of prophecy, to which you do well to take heed, as to a light that shines in a dark place, until the day dawns and the Daystar arises in your hearts,
mercy, peace and love
Kat