Let's Ask Longhorn

[longhorn]

First of all, thank you for you're patience.  Yes, I missed my 3:00 pm deadline, but like Gabriel and Michael in their attempt to deliver the words of understanding to Daniel, I myself was withstood by evil forces which required fierce warfare.  As mentioned in my " Announcement " post, I have done little more than waist valuable band-with space on the BT forum. For that I do apologize.  But no more.  I take you back to last Saturday July 31st.  While driving my 6yr old nephew home from an outing to the city park, conversation including 1 million questions about upcoming Shark Week on the Discovery channel, and why T-Rex is stronger than Godzilla, and another 45 thousand questions about life in general, and the final Question as I dropped him off at his Mom's that turned out to be the EUREKA moment of the 21st century.  Jake ask me, Uncle Longhorn, Why does my belly-button stink?  Well of course I had to tell him the truth.  I said Jake, the belly-button is nothing but a BO-BO hole on a persons stomach and you're not supposed to stick your finger in there and dig.  As he started to leave he say's to me Uncle Longhorn, you know just about everything don't you.

This chance Q&A session on the way home from a beautiful day at the park made me realize just how selfish I have been all these years withholding information that could possibly help millions, even hundred's.  Hence, the formation of the " Let's Ask Longhorn " helpline.

This helpline is not to be used for the simple common obvious everyday questions that even a 2nd grader would know, for instance.  Longhorn, can you tell me the atomic number of Gallium?, or Longhorn, what's the proper proceedure for replacing the Carbon-Carbon heat shields on the space shuttle?  No Sir.  This helpline is intended and reserved only for those next to impossible to answer questions like, Longhorn, suppose I'm in a crowded crocery store and need to relieve a pocket of gas build-up, which isle would you suggest, the frozen food section, or the bakery isle?  Yes, these are the types of questions Americans need answers to.  Yes fellow BT members, Longhorn is at you're service

[Cypress]

  awesome! I had to laugh at your response to the belly button question!

So Longhorn, how many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?

Why am I not a morning person?

Rainbow!! What does this mean?!?

[Ninny]

Longhorn? Now I have a question for you....WHY have you waited until NOW to reveal to us the true nature of your intelligence? I mean PLEASE!! You are amazing to say the least! I don't know how we have lived this long without your wisdom, knowledge, and insight! Spend a little more time with your nephew and you'll get plenty MORE practice answering earth shaking questions! I just don't think I could come up with a gross question for you, but I'd be willing to bet that Musicman and Judy could really challenge you!! hehehehehe!  
Kathy  

[Astrapho]

What should I do to a muffin infested with ants? I really want to eat it, but I don't think I'll like the taste of ants.

[Samson]

Hey Longhorn,

                     How do I cure my Wife of Her Facebook(Farmville, Petville, Mafia Wars, ZooWorld, Fantasy World, La La World, Frontierville) addiction ? I told Her She's going to end up like THE TWILIGHT ZONE, I'm going to find Her and Her Mother inside the Monitor of the computer in Facebooks parallel world with no escape;  .

                                    Thanks, Samson.

[gmik]

Samson,  LOL  that is so true!!  It is possible as I was addicted to Farmtown and Farmville.  One day it will just be ENOUGH!  I couldn't stand it anymore.  Then I stopped.  Easy as pie.

Longhorn, I want to knwo the answer to the " which aisle to stand in" question??

[musicman]

What a silly question your nephew asked.

Godzilla?

T Rex?

Ha!!

We all know that King Kong could whip both of their behinds. 


Oh, and now for my question:

I was at the zoo the other day.  One of the elephants appeared to have some sort of evolutionary mutation going on.

I kid you not.  It had five legs.  Yes, five!!

Two in the front,

and three in the back.

Women and children were staring.  What in God's name was that?

[longhorn]

Thank you for you're questions.  Please trust that Longhorn will not just throw out a pile of theoretical goobldy goo information, no Sir.  These answers are derived from actual first hand experience.

!.  Astrapho.  Excellent question considering our Federal Gov. just spent 10 million $$$$$ for the study of ants.  As for you're situation, I have not eaten a muffin covered with ants, ( too much bran in muffins, clogs the old descending colon) however I did eat a bear claw doughnut with in my estimation around 14 - 17 common brown ants crawling on the surface, not too bad).  If however these are of the Red Fire Ant variety, I suggest you gargle with a mixture of 1/2 cup of cheap vodka, 1 teaspoon of cracked black pepper, 1 icecream scoop of low fat cottage cheese.  This should thoroughly prepare the tongue and esophagus for any mild discomfort you might experience from stings.  I might add the stinging sensation does add to the overall enjoyment so whatever you do... don't throw that muffin away... there a hungry people who would kill for such a treat.

Longhorn

[santikos]

what was eve's reaction when she first hear and smelled adam's passed gas?

[bpenelli]

How much cash would a mustache stash if a mustache could stash cash?

[longhorn]

Samson   

I just don't understand what it is that people of all ages see in this facebook thing.  As for your wife's addiction, I think a deversion tactic might work best for you.  The next time she log's on to facebook you need to stroll into the room in a Darth Vader mask wearing a pink tutu and pulling a little red wagon full of Captain Crunch cereal smothered in cream of mushroom soup all the while you're singing the umpa lumpa song from Willie Wonka.  If this dosen't work send me a PM and we will try a more drastic approach.

Longhorn

[longhorn]

Gena

The best isle to let one rip on is a personal choice.  The important thing we have to remember is that we must at all times have the mindset of a skunk.  We can't just go around spraying everything and everyone we think poses a threat to us, we must alway's keep a reserve of magic gas in place and ready for discharge at a moments notice...As for myself, I have a hair trigger bubble of nauseous fumes who's only purpose in life is to destroy anything within a 15 ft radius.

Gena  In my opinion, there a basically 3 catagories of poot's.

1.  The common everyday life sustaining poot. -  These are the poot's that keep of from exploding.  Not much detailed explaining needed here.

2.  The accidental poot. -  We've all experienced one of these at one time or another in our lives.  I've had to say " whoa, excuse me "  more than once.

3.  The recreational poot. -  This has to be my personal favorite.  Social gathering, funeral, wedding, it don't matter.  You'll always be the life of the party as long as you can crank a long wet sounding one out on demand.


Now to answer you're question,  Iif you're in a grocery store, shopping mall, home depot, wherever, and the rumbblings start, I prefer to head to the frozen food section.  Why?  well, first of all if it's a good one you'll want to preserve it.  Secondly, if you're the easily embarrased type, the humming from the cooling fans will render the poot virtually undetectable.  Whatever isle you choose, the important thing to remember is that poots were not designed to stay inside the human body.....so get em outa there.

Longhorn

[judith collier]

Longhorn, I'm going to puke if you keep this up!
But I have questions. Why is it men can fall asleep anywhere at any time? Really, are they tired, are they lazy, or are they faking?
And why , if men are supposed to be so smart can't they follow a woman's conversation if it has more than 1 verb and an adjective and 2 time periods???. OUR brains can handle multiples.
And why is it men never seem to know what is happening in the family??
Where do men get their arrogance and self rightiousness??
Why are men so gross?
Why are men so controlling?
God sure knew what he was doing when he made a woman for man. He must have known He blew it with the first model.
Why did God give men all that testosterone if He knew they would just start wars and be like rabbits? Just wondering. judy

[jassy]

I was at the zoo the other day.  One of the elephants appeared to have some sort of evolutionary mutation going on.

I kid you not.  It had five legs.  Yes, five!!

Two in the front,

and three in the back.

Women and children were staring.  What in God's name was that?

Musicman, I think Longhorn avoided your question because he seldom sees elephants behaviour. I, on the other hand come from Africa and can answer your question.

Its a common phenomenon among bull elephants. Its called the Tripodius effect. It happens when they get dizzy, and helps to keep them upright.
Girl elephants dont need it as they are stable and never dizzy but it has been shown that they are impressed by the bull elephants ability to remain upright when dizzy spells strike.

[longhorn]

Musicman

What a silly answer Jassy just gave you.  You probably know less about elephants now than you did before.  No, Longhorn has not avoided you're question, on the contrary, My cousin works  at the Dallas zoo in the Aviary of the Amazon display.  He knows the supervisor of the Big Cat exhibit who's Sister is friends with the brother of a guy who's uncle rides to work with the man in charge of scooping up the doo balls in the Pachyderm exhibit, who's agreed to hide me in the doo dumpster for a couple of day's next week to persoanly analyze and thoroughly research this extra swinging pachyderm appendage.  Look for my reply post next week. 

Longhorn

[jassy]

I take exception to that dismissal of my explanation Longhorn. Do not question your betters. First of all, you have not even got a faintest idea what an elephant is.
What does it help hanging about in a Patchyderms doo doo dumpster?  His question related to elephants.

My brothers wife second cousin twice removed shook a mans hand in a bus once who worked at a game reserve. He imparted this information. Why? I will never know, but it can be trusted.

[Samson]

Longhorn, I'm going to puke if you keep this up!
But I have questions. Why is it men can fall asleep anywhere at any time? Really, are they tired, are they lazy, or are they faking?
And why , if men are supposed to be so smart can't they follow a woman's conversation if it has more than 1 verb and an adjective and 2 time periods???. OUR brains can handle multiples.
And why is it men never seem to know what is happening in the family??
Where do men get their arrogance and self righteousness??
Why are men so gross?
Why are men so controlling?
God sure knew what he was doing when he made a woman for man. He must have known He blew it with the first model.
Why did God give men all that testosterone if He knew they would just start wars and be like rabbits? Just wondering. Judy

Hi Judy,

           I'll respond to this one Longhorn, Hope you don't mind, although I tread dangerous waters in response.

Male Arrogance: I agree, in my experience, Men tend to be more arrogant than Women, it relates to pride, too much of it I'm afraid. As I've stated to Kat and others, I'm developing a hatred towards arrogance during the last two years, however it's learned behavior from Our Fathers and Our Male Peers, it actually sickens me. My wife says when explaining Bible Truths to others, sometimes I tend to have an air of arrogance, so I will address that. Actually, in my case it's due to the Carnal trait of intolerance to people and complicated issues originating from others.

Self Righteousness: In my experience, I think women, not everyone, take the lead in this department. They tend to be overly concerned about issues that are considered by most, minor in nature. Making a Mountain out of a molehill.

Lazy: It's a stalemate, Women tend to be better workers in the employment field, probably due to their detail oriented Natures. In the homefront, in my experience Women have been lazy. Part of it probably tends to them being overly tired from pleasing people. Their trying to please people at every turn, sometimes I do the same. My Wife wears herself out trying to please everybody, an impossible task at best. She's the greatest Women I ever met, but for sanity sake, She needs to be more selective in the people pleasing department. Regarding Housework, I know Males, including myself that do most of the work at Home, including working on Cars, lawncare, cleaning, cooking; etc. I recognize that My wife has the more demanding secular job, so therefore I do 80% of the Domestic chores.

Conversation Process: Hemisphere Dominance plays a role here. Women add many details which Men usually consider irrelevant when conveying information. Men are wired to process this with: " Get to the Point." Women tend to tell an entire story to convey the facts about what happened to them at work. In this case(Work Stories), I tend to do alright listening to her and she appreciates this, but sometimes Males lose the essential facts amidst the overly long dialogue and drama. Example: A Patient hit me in the face today becomes a long story leading up to the event. Women tend to be better at multitasking(doing more than one thing at a time) whereas Men are better in focusing on one thing at a time and doing an excellent job when permitted to concentrate on one task. Men can get confused and irritated when two or more people attempt to gather information or require something at the same time. In my case, it's not that I'm angry several people want something, it's that I can't give everybody my best when confronted with so many requests at one time.

Testosterone: This is true, but I still wish I had more in order to accomplish more things, lacking the energy to do as much as I want with the limited time. I tend to believe that the Men who start Wars are not adequately using or channeling their Testosterone by more productive means, including in the Homefront in relation to their Wives. Thankfully, I don't have that issue;  . Of course, most of the Men that start Wars are not the ones that have to fight in them.

Tired: I guess that varies among the sexes, my Wife probably wishes I was more tired, but different things make people tired. For Me, it's emotionally related stresses that takes the lead, but I like physical and mental work, I usually feel better. My Wife is a great compliment, as She seems to have more strength when comforting emotional drama, but we try to work as a team in that area.

Controlling: Don't agree with this, although Men over 60 tend to be from a generation that excelled at being control freaks. Most of the Women under 60, at least the ones I've viewed tend to try and attempt to control every detail of every issue, both Domestically and in the Work force. The more intelligent and crafty Women are capable of having a Man believe He's in control, when in reality they are able to maneuver the situation to their advantage. That's why my wife ultimately gets what She wants. She subtly feeds or strokes my vanity, not always consciously detected by Me, but She gets good results. Boy, She should teach a course to other Women. I think that Brenda is good in this area and does rather well too.

     Well Judy, enough for now, all in Fun coupled with Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, didn't we have a thread like that, now I better high tale myself outta here. Good Luck Longhorn, maybe they will forget about you and go for my jugular,    Samson.

[Ninny]

I am cracking up!! oh this has been fun! Thank you all! I'm not sure that I'm any smarter, but I think my stress level has gone down!! 
Kathy 

[longhorn]

Judy

Men are not all bad, why just the other day I saved a dolphin and petted a puppy.  

P.S.

I forgot to add a disclaimer to my helpline.  If Longhorn here can't answer you're question, I will fly you and a guest out to Longhorn ranch for a 3 day 1 night all expenses
paid  " Rountable discussion ".  I will leave no stone unturned until you have peace of mind.  Join Longhorn for an exotic country culinary experience, snipe hunts, and of course discussion of Ray's materials.

Longhorn

[Ninny]

Longhorn...you're not going to have..North End of South-bound Skunk on the menu, are you? I mean..I KNOW you, dude!