I'm thankful that Mark left me with enough money to cover these things so far but it won't last forever.
Hello Eileen
You ask:
Where is the light in all this?
THERE is the light in all this ~ Mark left you with enough money to cover these things so far......
It won't last forever is correct and actually that too is a light under heavy disguise of the trial you are suffering. That it won't last for ever, assures that you have changes coming. These changes are wrought of God who is causing everything as you describe it, right down to the last little rat or mouse, millipede and exterminator. Even the smell of urine is God's responsibility!
Oh dear Eileen ~ I do not know if someone had come to me and written that the six inch glass window and broken telephone connecting me and my amazing husband who was sitting in front of me in orange prison garb, and the horrendous body search that violated my sense of dignity as it was done by a gloating lesbian, before I was permitted to see my husband, and the horror of being mocked that when the prison had no idea where he was - that he may have died, was ALL the Plan of God for me to experience....I don't know if I was told that, if I would have been comforted. No one told me. I was numb in mind heart and soul and the numbness kept me dazed as slowly I began, imperceptibly to my consciousness, I began to unfold into another person completely different to the one that was alive, strong, self assured, determined and confident BEFORE what I experienced! I don't know if I got a letter from you, made visible to the world, open in this Forum, if you had told me that God was doing, causing every little pain, every huge fear and every gross feeling of injustice that I felt in the horror of being disabled, dismembered from my usual platforms of inner sense of security....I don't know if you had said to me what I am saying to you...I don't know if THEN, in the excruciating painful moment of deep suffering and unrecognisable trauma...I don't know if it would then have helped. Probabley not and that is why it did not happen. God caused me to be strenghtened as He saw fit and appropriate and He did make changes in me.
Suffice to say dear Eileen, I feel your suffering as it triggers what I mayself have passed through. I feel the comfort that God loves you. He really does.
Yesterday I heard a song by the Beetles. The lyrics made me think of God and what He does to us.
He loves you...yea, yea, yea....He loves you....yea...yea...yea
Then the lyrics say ...You know You hurt her so...she almost lost her mind...but NOW she says SHE KNOWS...You're NOT the hurting kind....!
With a Love like that, you know You (God) should be glad (and He will be!)....well God is making the, love like that,
in you, and me, and all of us who are really hurting for Him, calling to Him, crying to Him in desperate heart felt turning to Him for comfort, explanation, some respite and Mercy... and all He is doing is making us into His Image and it hurts like proverbial Hell, but more Scriptural, it is the baptism of fire marking you and me and those who are turned towards Him in our, their darkest most deeply painful moments that HE CAUSES us to be in AND in God's Mercy HE causes us to turn towards HIM...THAT IS HIM doing it all to turn us to Him and it is HIM doing it all! It is Him marking us as HIS People, His own and we are being marked by the Fire of God. ..... as His.
I know it may be all very well for me to say, yet dear sister let me inform you, my trials are not over yet...and while I am enjoying a little hiatus from the deep scourging Heat of the Consuming Fire of our God,...I simply wanted to try to help in some way, to help in any way, and just to say yes, I too know what pain is of the kind that marks the Authority of our God making us into His Image. I am not the only one who knows this either. Most of us here know, feel, understand and comprehend what you are experiencing that triggers our own recollections and issues with our personal and not so public grief, woes and trials. This is the way to God's Kingdom. We are on our way. You, I and all of us who God is turning towards HIM and His Responsibility for us not in accusation, confrontation but in recognition...of God, for God towards God who is Powerful beyond any palpet bashing gospel singing hoax that has never felt the Fire. I don't want to put those folks down either but just to show you they don't know nothing yet...and maybe, just maybe, when you are through your ordeal, you shall have to help them folks. I hope you learn something from my effort to help you do a better job than I am only just learning to attempt.
God is working.
A big hug to you.... I have asked God to give you a little break of peace, calm and tranquility of His Peace to strengthen, assure and assist your endurance.
Arc