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Forsaken by God

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SandyFla:
Hello everyone,

I haven't posted in a long time, but I've been around - mostly reading Ray's emails.

I don't know if I even want to ask for prayers because God and I haven't been on speaking terms for almost 2 years. Back in May 2008, my parents' next-door neighbor helped a man break into their home in the middle of the night. He tried to rape my mom, stole some jewelry, medicine, my dad's car, and touched my little kitty's urn. My dad had been very active before that happened, but afterward he took to his chair and less than 4 months later he died. AFA I'm concerned, it was murder. The creature got away with everything, but now I found out that he killed several people in a DUI incident. My mom, who is legally blind, was able to get away from the attack, but she still has times when she hears noises at night and is afraid. Every night I make sure she's OK before I turn out the lights. I am SO ANGRY at the people who did that to my family! And I am angry at God for allowing it to happen. I know that unless I forgive them, God will not forgive me, but even after 2 years I still despise them and I refuse to forgive them - to me that would be like saying what they did was OK, and it's not!

Also, I'm having trouble trying to get their home cleaned out so we can sell it, because we're still paying rent on the grounds. It's a drag on us monetarily. I have a very hard job that I hate. I cry at least once every day. My mom is going downhill fast, and at this rate it doesn't look like she'll be around this time next year. I see her slipping away a little at a time.

My sister had such a good life. She wanted a certain man and she got him. The only man I ever really loved wouldn't give me the time of day and married someone else. My so-called marriage ended in divorce. She wanted a baby and got 2. I wanted a child, but I lost it before I even knew I was pregnant. She wanted a brand new home and again got 2. I'm still living in the same old condo. I don't begrudge my sister any of those things, and I'm glad she had a good life. I just wish God would've thrown me a bone.

My chances of having a "normal" life are over. When my mom's gone, I will be completely alone.

There's nothing more to say, really. I don't know why I'm posting this. I haven't prayed since before the break-in. I don't think God wants to hear from me, or is even listening, except when I say something I shouldn't. Then He's got His pen and paper, recorder--whatever--taking notes for Judgment Day. I'm hopeless ... I guess I'm posting this to show God on Judgment Day, to say that I tried and couldn't do it. It's not my fault. If He pushes me away, there's nothing I can do to change His mind. God promises to never leave or forsake us, but this time I think He has.

soberxp:
George Tr sent me a little 13 page bit of information ,and I really like these segment.

Being infinite, God cannot give you anything but Himself, and when you pray for something other than God, you are praying amiss. When you pray to God for health, for peace on earth, for supply, for home, or for companionship, you are praying like the pagans who began this whole practice of that kind of petitionary prayer thousands of years ago.

Deborah-Leigh:
Dearest Sandy

One broken heart to another…

I am grateful that God gave you the courage to write how you honestly feel about Him. There is so much hypocrisy and keeping up of appearances that requires God to elect who He gives the courage to speak truthfully and honestly, which He has given you to so do.

 I am not happy for your suffering at all, but that how you feel about God, and that you shared how you feel, makes me not feel so alone! For that I am grateful.

I remember you.

I am so happy to see your new little companion! Ash grey like the ashes that God is drawing you out of gently, critically compassionately and with great Love.
 
Oh Sandy my arms reach out to you to give you a big tearful hug.

Your story is horrible! It is so devastatingly horrible…. :'( :(...and truthful! >:(

I find peace in thinking about little Gracie and you together. She is beautiful, just like you.

I know too that it appears to us that God uses  ungodly ways and means to do His Work. It is horrendous. We are so very helpless. I often have wanted to die for the pain, the fear, the uncertainty and anguish and I know God can re-cause the experience anytime soon or not at all.

I have talked to God worse than my most vitriolic and harshly phrased responses I have on record to members here in the Forum in my earlier days.
His Mercy that endures forever, did not endure with me, but stopped, just a few days ago.  I let God know about it and realized too that when He said “Depart from Me, I know you not..” that Hades is a place He knows about too because He doesn’t let us go through anything He has not been through Himself. It hasn’t helped very much but the very little it has helped to know that it wasn’t a sin or offence to talk to God the way I did,  is better than nothing at all. Much better…than nothing at all.

You say : I guess I'm posting this to show God on Judgment Day, to say that I tried and couldn't do it. It's not my fault.
It is not a “fault” but a condition that we all have Sandy. God causes us to have that condition to try and not succeed. It is God’s idea not ours! God is responsible and we come to that point when God causes us to through the circumstances which are HORRIBLE that God writes for us to go through to find out that our condition is exactly His Idea!  You note the condition exactly as you say, quote: If He pushes me away, there's nothing I can do to change His mind.

That is exactly how God has made all of us Sandy and you have found out personally by direct experience because God wanted you to know it! Yes, non of us can do squat to change God’s mind. Nothing helps! Nothing we can do or say or anything at all can move, or change or deflect God all mighty and that is a very good, positive, healthy magnificent thing about our God. A mortal can not influence, deflect or change God. That is a good thing but to experience it is a very deeply painfully terrifying experience that only God can elect us to endure or overcome. You say:
God promises to never leave or forsake us, but this time I think He has.

I believe you Sandy.  :( :'(

Just this week I wrote to God and told Him that ‘His Mercy that endures forever’ had stopped with me. The perception God gave me  to experience, broke my heart. This is the third day and I am still healing from the fact that God can and does do whatever He sees fit, regardless of my opinion, because He is Responsible for us ALL, and I believe God takes His Responsibility very seriously. He gave me comfort to look again at the anguish Habakkuk felt when he saw God using the Chaldeans, merciless barbarism to punish His people. If the Chaldeans had been merciful, lenient or less barbaric, the Work would not have been accomplished that God was doing. After getting this perception that only God could have given Habakkuk, what did Habakkuk do ~ he rejoiced in what and how God was going about His Ways and Means. I am not quite there yet…I want to be, but am not yet. God has given me the desire to be, but not the fulfillment yet… :(

…it hurts so bad to find out by direct, unprovoked ( unprovoked according to what we understand at the time of our suffering) experience, that hurts so bad. We have need to depend on God so completely and when the pain is gone, the reward will come. It has to unless, as you and I say…God stopped…His Mercy ran out…His never leaving or forsaking us failed…God died, is dead and is in Hades where He knows us not…. yet, this IS part of our human condition to experience, suffer and find out,……. is not actually true that God’s Mercy ends or that His leaving or forsaking fails. What is true is this is how we die, by thinking God failed, His Mercy ended and God forsakes us and though it seems so this is our experience of our death, not God’s.  :)

Actually God is alive. God lives and all this pain and anguish is His Idea, Ways, Means and Responsibility.  God is causing everything and Habakkuk was the one God made to live and tell the story of what God caused him to experience in horror and be delivered from in joy, and live to testify!
I have some hope that what I have written in this post to you, God willing, bears some resemblance of encouragement and at best, a little bit of upliftment, for what it’s worth.

Fondest love to you Sandy, and little Gracie…. :)
 
Arc

Roy Martin:
Hello Sandy,
 I know exactly how you feel. You posted here because that is what you were led to do.
I won't do it now, but someday I'll share a testimony in full detail that will assure you you aren't alone.
 I know your journey far more than you can imagine. You think it will never end, or maybe it couldn't get worse, but oh yes it can. I remember saying to God one night as I was walking down a 2 lane country black top road; it was a 14 hour non stop walk that took me all night long to walk in the summer time, but I said, "God! how much worse can it get?" My mental state at that time was suicidal and a dis spare beyond description due to a lot of things that had happened. Well it got much worse that kept happening for several more years until God finally started giving me peace a little at a time. It was in that journey of the hardest time of my life that God seemed at the time to be no where near, but He was there the whole time, but at the time I couldn't see that in any way. I did and said things just as you have said and thought about God, and maybe a whole lot more for a long long time. I cursed, I ran, but I couldn't escape the work God was doing in me. I begged, I cried, please God take this pain away, but it just kept coming. Why couldn't I give up on God? Why did I run, but keep coming back to God? He was doing nothing. He wouldn't reveal Himself to me, talk to me, show me He existed. All I could see was Satan killing me. Awe!! but that is what kept me crying out to God. I would go months of giving up on Him, but there I would be again crying out to Him asking for relief of the pain, and end all the things that were happening.
 My post might not be very encouraging, but its just how God works in some of us. I lived what you are going through. You are indeed in Gods hands and you can't do anything about it.
 I read your post and could feel your heart as if it was my own. I wasn't robbed as you were but the condition of the heart mind and soul we share in a situation that will soon become a testimony on your part that will be an example of Gods awesome power and love beyond description.
 I know the step you took by making your situation known to us. God is lifting you up but you see it as going down, but that will all change as you will hopefully soon see.
 Its for sure; and I say this from a one on one experience that God has not forsaken you.

Peace
Roy

judith collier:
Dear Sandy, how utterly devastating!  Your story brought me to tears and I'm just READING this. Of course you are angry who wouldn't be. Of course your faith is shaken beyond anything you could ever imagine. Just 2 things I want to say.
First, yrs. ago I went to a prayer meeting trying to re-establish faith in God and rid myself of anger and hate. We were told to be silent and picture Jesus in any form that came to mind. This sounds like new age mumbo-jumbo but i did it and I SAW, literally SAW, a large blue rock with an image  of Jesus' face encased in it. This was not me drumming this up. I asked the priest what that could possibly mean and he said, "he's still there" He WAS with me in my spirit, my heart, my mind, and everything I was encased in. A frozen and spiritually dead human being. He had never left me.
Second, do not prophesy over yourself, you never know what beauty and love God can bring to you when you are ready. Nobody escapes pain even though it might look like that to you now. Better lives, mates, children all seem out of reach for you but God has no favorites. Where there has been much pain there will be much joy, always!

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