dear eileen,
i hope you are feeling better about things today....you have been on my mind alot and i hope you will find encouragement here in the replies to your post.
A scripture that i have been going back to alot is:
Mat 21:44 And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.
i don't know why, but this scripture has stuck in my mind and i do truely feel like all that i have (idols) are being 'ground to powder.' All of my life, the most important thing to me was my family....that seems to be the first thing God is taking away....but the loss of my son lead me to learn the truth about God.
i too have been battling depression for a year & a half, and it is a battle i know.
But even in this i believe is a purpose. My family is also being destroyed by desease, addictions, broken relationships, rebellious teens, ect.....i know it is hard for me not to shake my fist at God with ANGER sometimes....i am constantly asking Him to forgive my IMpatience, my LACK of long-sufferring, ect...Jesus said (Matt 5) that we are BLESSED if we mourn, BLESSED if we are poor, BLESSED if we are persecuted, ect......i think we all FORGET that we are being BLESSED with our trials.....it certainly doesn't FEEL like a blessing, but i think therein lies our problem....we are too concerned with HOW WE FEEL....i don't think love, patience, longsufferring (fruit of the spirit) can be based upon how we feel.....if i exercised ONLY when i FELT LIKE IT, i would NEVER exercise! if we wait on the WARM FUZZY FEELING' of the fruit of the spirit, it may never come....we just have to ACT, even when we don't feel anything. we have to KNOW that we are being blessed in our trials, even if it hurts deeply.
love to you,
lauriellen