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Author Topic: Thanks Everyone  (Read 2599 times)

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Craig

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  • There are two kinds of cops.The quick and the dead
Thanks Everyone
« on: October 28, 2010, 10:47:13 AM »

I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
 
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I no longer ask the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water for fear of the bacteria and pesticides on the lemon peel.

I canít sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed 6 months ago.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking oneís nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I canít touch any womanís purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresaís Novena has granted my every wish.

I canít eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I canít use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesnít crawl in my back seat when Iím filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ĎUnder Godí on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

THANKS TO YOU I canít use anyoneís toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I canít ever pick up a Penny dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Quaida, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I canít use the remote in a hotel room because I donít know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I canít do any gardening because Iím afraid Iíll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read from their computer with their hand on the mouse.

Donít bother taking it off now, itís too late. 

If you donít send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighborís ex-mother-in-lawís second husbandís cousinís best friendís beautician...


PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
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margo

  • Guest
Re: Thanks Everyone
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2010, 10:56:07 AM »

Now that was funny.  I know people like that.
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Kat

  • Guest
Re: Thanks Everyone
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2010, 11:09:07 AM »


Hey I didn't know about some of those things  :-\
There is rat crap in the glue on envelopes 

 ;D  ;D  ;D

Kat
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Patrick

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Re: Thanks Everyone
« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2010, 11:16:33 AM »

I can no longer use shopping carts because of all the "stuff growing" on the handles; don't bother wiping the handles with antibacterial wipes, because the rats and roaches have crapped on all the groceries, people that didn't wash their hands after using the bathroom have fondled all the cans during their label reading routine, and snot nosed kids have put their hands on all the door handles.
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margo

  • Guest
Re: Thanks Everyone
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2010, 12:25:50 PM »

I here there is bat crap in the eye makeup we use.  You know the black stuff.  I do think about it when I put makeup on now. 
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iris

  • Guest
Re: Thanks Everyone
« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2010, 03:47:06 PM »

 ;D ;D ;D


Iris
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onelovedread

  • Guest
Re: Thanks Everyone
« Reply #6 on: October 28, 2010, 06:27:46 PM »

Seriously, I bet there are some of these that we  believe(d) even for a time. Like the one about removing the toothbrush because of the effects of flushing the toilet.  I really thought it was true. It isn't?....
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aqrinc

  • Guest
Re: Thanks Everyone
« Reply #7 on: October 28, 2010, 06:39:20 PM »



What is I  ::) opening; everyone of them is true, if  :-\ you want to believe it. ;D

So, which is the worst one of all, to not do ???.  is there really rat crap in the glue on envelopes :o



george.

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Phil3:10

  • Guest
Re: Thanks Everyone
« Reply #8 on: October 28, 2010, 08:00:20 PM »

Craig,
A friend recently told me the process for making parmesan cheese and I really tried to stop eating it for one meal. However, I soon found out spaghetti is not worth eating without it and I don't want to starve. I just sprinkle all over my spaghetti and try not to think, just eat.
Rick Ingram
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Beloved

  • Guest
Re: Thanks Everyone
« Reply #9 on: October 30, 2010, 04:49:23 PM »

It is the spirit of paranoia that makes one believe this. It is also the spirit of self sufficiency that makes people go out buy more and more products that  then they themselves also have hidden menaces ( you buy antibacterial stuff to clean theses things which leads to more resistant and unusual growth of bacteria.)

Bacteria are NEEDED.  ;D ;D
They are the bottom of the food chain and recycle everything in the world

Parcelsus coined a term ďthe dose makes the poisonĒ Your body is equipped to handle  many things. It is the timing and amount of exposure of a toxin that counts for some.

The human bite is worse than a dogs, so the rat crap in the glue on the envelope doesnít count for much.  The Hila monster now there is a very deadly mouth, talk about germy. :P

The problem is not with them it is With YOU....your worry depresses your immune system and makes you susceptible.

We are told

(Mar 7:14)  And when he had called all the people unto him, he said unto them,ĒHearken unto me every one of you, and understand]
(Mar 7:15)  
There is nothing from without a man, that entering into him can defile him: but the things which come out of him, those are they that defile the man.

(Mar 7:16)  If any man have ears to hear, let him hear

(Mar 7:17)  And when he was entered into the house from the people, his disciples asked him concerning the parable.

(Mar 7:18)  And he saith unto them, Are ye so without understanding also? Do ye not perceive, that whatsoever
(Mar 7:19)  Because it entereth not into his heart, but into the belly, and goeth out into the draught, purging all meats?

(Mar 7:20)  And he said, That which cometh out of the man, that defileth the man.

(Mar 7:21)  For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders,

(Mar 7:22)  Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness:

(Mar 7:23)  All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.


Stop seeing the bacteria and every thing out there as the enemy.
 :o  8) 8)
(Mat 6:34)  Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

(Mat 6:33)  But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Beloved
« Last Edit: October 30, 2010, 05:52:56 PM by Beloved »
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Ninny

  • Guest
Re: Thanks Everyone
« Reply #10 on: October 30, 2010, 10:45:22 PM »

Craig...that was so funny! I'm still laughing!!
Oh, I'm sorry..you were serious about all that! poor Craig...
The next we here from you you'll be sitting in the corner of your bedroom with a towel over your head whimpering...
AND HOW did you know I had my hand on the mouse!? hehehe!! You're just lucky I was using my mouse or you'd have been wrong!
I mean...sometimes I even use the little mouse pad on my laptop! That doesn't count does it?
Kathy ;)
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