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Author Topic: About my journey...PART 2  (Read 1848 times)

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moxicarose

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About my journey...PART 2
« on: December 02, 2010, 06:07:41 AM »

 Aaand I'm back!

   backing up just a wee bit...after I expressed my hatred towards God, I believe He allowed the Devil to 'play' with me and I began experiencing disturbing things of a demonic nature. I was so miserable in my life, and so scared, but instead of turning to God, I started fantasizing about taking my own life and ending it all. Every time I ever had a chance to carry out my plan, something would always stop me. Fast forward to where we were..I was living and working at the Christian Conference Center. The demonic forces followed me there. I was hopeful for a time that maybe someone there could help me understand God a little better, but I was terrified of sharing my (demonic) experiences with anyone because I was pretty sure no one would believe me. Sadly, the first person I opened up to, (the Dean of Women) fulfilled that fear. She all but brushed aside my experiences as me having a wild imagination. She afterwards treated me as though I had some sort of illness, and was as unloving as the rest of the people there. This is where things got really interesting. I internalized everything at this point, which is not my forte, but I thought I had no one to talk to. I was pretty sure that God existed, since I KNEW the Devil does...but I thought I was out of luck and was going to Hell. I thought I must have committed the 'unpardonable' sin. I was an older teenager, 19 by this point, and I didn't want to go home to my mom and siblings who made me feel like I was involved in witchcraft or something. Neither did I want to stay where I was, but I had no where else to go. I decided to try to stick it out a little longer, and there was a kid there that started being really nice to me. He invited me to a worship song session, and I was happy to go because of the fact that I was invited...and I also knew that the worship leader was a guy on whom I had developed a very secret crush....Anyway, for lack of a better way to say this: Demonic forces did not allow me to participate and I was humiliated. It was as though I was paralyzed and prevented from standing from my chair and singing, also to my eyes, the light was getting dimmer and dimmer. When the singing was over, I was able to move, and I ran off crying, with no one understanding why. I decided that it just had to be over. I may as well get to Hell sooner than later, since I felt like I was already mostly there! I was near the ocean and I planned to go far enough out to allow the undertow to do the rest. But for some reason I pondered whether or not to write a note to my family to let them know not to look for me. While I pondered, I was pacing the grounds..which were rather empty as it was night. God used that worship leader I was crushing on to come out of his dorm at the moment I was walking by, and he noticed that I looked like I needed a friend. Thing was, he was saying goodnight to His parents who were visiting, and wanted to walk them to their room. So he asked me to have a seat in the courtyard there and wait for him. I was actually still thoroughly planning to leave, but this time I know that GOD intervened and prevented me from leaving...it was as though I was paralyzed for just a few minutes. That night, God allowed me to vent all of my heartaches about my life and the confusion I felt about God to this man who very intently and graciously listened! And, as we sat on the kids swing set around 2 in the morning, I became overwhelmed with the realization that God wanted me to talk to HIM about my confusion about Him. After that, the evil spirits never bothered me again. I believe that is when I experienced the change from head knowledge, to God causing my heart to be truly hungering after SEARCHING for the truths of God.

  The following fall, I met the man who is now my husband. We got married 6 months after we met, and we began attending his parent's church. Since then, we have been involved for various lengths of time in 8 churches in our 11 years of marriage. We have not attended a church in two years. Each church it was always the same. We were looking for loving leadership, and heartfelt fellowship. We would find warm reception as new attendees, and so quickly they would grow cold. Established members reached out to one another, and to the community around them, but we never reached a status that allowed us those 'priviledges'. We both tried to give of our time and be involved in ministry in most of the churches. I was involved with youth ministry a few years ago, when it was revealed to me that my husband had been for a long time unfaithful to me. At this same time we were coming out of an entire year where my husband had been without work for more months than he had been employed. I was beyond stressed, and I went to the leadership over me in my department of ministry to express a dire need of help and encouragement. I was treated with what felt like callous indifference. The person over me even mentioned that I was too emotional to deal with life, so maybe I just needed to see a psychiatrist! I suggested that I may need to quit the youth ministry, and that was not favorable to him, so he encouraged me to stick it out. Actually, during this time I know I really lost sight of seeking God's truth especially...and I wandered into a very carnal and stagnant walk that I am thankful to be on the other side if it! I was so hurt by the way I was brushed aside in my hour of need, and how used I felt by the ministry. I did end up quitting, much to the Elders chagrin. My husband and I were not doing well at all, and we stopped going to church. God was so patient with me while I sort of turned my shoulder against him and lived in my hurt and confusion for several months.

  One day, God allowed me to clearly see that, since Christ has forgiven me from all my iniquities since before time began, that I COULD forgive my husband. I'm SO thankful to God for this, as it was the beginning again of my heart's longing for more of Him! We attended one last church for about a year and a half with a younger sister of mine who lived with us at the time. I do not regret supporting my sister, but I do believe that our attendance there was a distraction. I was still really, really hurt and confused about so many things that I couldn't really get a handle on it, and I wasn't allowing Jesus to be my rest. I was striving to be accepted again, and I was coming up disappointed. I was nothing to any of these people. I was just a body in the seat, and hands helping with the kids programs..but I wasn't a part of the 'gang'...and I was actually crushed on Sunday by a person claiming to have a 'word from the Lord'..she said that God did not want me to have friends, and so that is why I have none. She was very serious, and she also said that nobody can handle me, because I am too honest. Funny thing is, I never said I have no friends. I just don't have very many local friends...I was hoping to be a part of a church 'family' as they say...ouch!

  Well, I left soon after that...and my husband followed. Over these past two years with the birth of our surprise miracle baby, and the stress and struggles and isolation that her many needs bring on a day to day basis, I have felt lonelier than ever. I was kind of angry with myself for not being more spiritual, and still longing for physical companionship so much. I didn't feel inclined to read my Bible. I just was not sure I could understand it. I never did understand it. I struggled with wasting lots of my time 'escaping' into the internet...I more recently began reading about all the current events and situations around the world, and I was beginning to be consumed with an extremely disabling FEAR that had me in it's grip for a time. And then something I was reading really stopped my heart cold for a moment, and I felt so very ashamed when a still small voice spoke into my heart. I knew that I was being gripped by a spirit of fear, and that it does not come from God! It was as though God was saying, "You're reading the wrong stuff, honey!" I suddenly stopped primarily reading current events, and started reading my Bible, and really, truly seeking truth...WHICH leads me to a couple of weeks ago. I was digging around looking for advice from somewhere or someone about so many questions I have had. Primarily about the book of Revelation, but also just about Christianity and it's gazillions of doctrine flavors. Just before I found Bible truths, my husband and I decided to get rid of Christmas for our family, because we believe that it is, for us, a form of 'learning the way of the heathen'. We don't want to mix truth with lies and call it truth, so we felt convicted to 'cut it off'  if we don't know for sure that it's a good thing. It's causing some mild persecution for us, but we are sticking to it. (By the way, this is in no way me suggesting that any of you who celebrate the birth of Jesus at this time of year are under my scrutiny...this is my personal walk that I am sharing!)  So, I typed in something along the lines of "biblical truths concerning the origin of Christmas" and L. Ray Smith's website was close to the top, with a very intriguing declaration about the origin of HELL...


 And God used Ray's writings to kick my hunger for truth into HIGH GEAR! I've been reading for almost two weeks straight, and I have to say that the confusion, fear, and loneliness are disappearing with the peace that God is giving me in these amazing truths revealed!! All my life I wished I could understand why the things the pastor's taught always seemed like they were explaining AWAY the scriptures instead of explaining them..And all my life I wondered how the love of Christ was so ABSENT from the church...and I know I expressed that in a different post, but it has been so FREEING to understand why, and to also have no resentment toward those people who don't even know what they are doing!

  Ahh...anyway....LOONG post. :P

I cannot wait to learn more about all of you!

Blessings to you in Christ!

~Jessi aka moxicarose

 
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Shawn Fainn

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Re: About my journey...PART 2
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2010, 11:03:57 AM »

I enjoyed reading your posts Jessi.

Like you, I had similar experiences with church 'cliques' and searching for a true fellowship. It's hard dealing with loneliness, but even after finding BT (for me at least) it hasn't really gotten any better in that area of my life.

However, I am very thankful for knowing the truth of God's word, and would much rather be 'rejected by the world' than continue to live in a lie.

In due time, we will be part of a Heavenly family that we will not be disappointed with.. that's something worth waiting for, I believe.
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Dave in Tenn

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Re: About my journey...PART 2
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2010, 02:19:11 PM »

Thanks for sharing, Jessi.  One observation comes to mind.  Even those who find themselves with the 'best seats' and the 'highest places' already have their reward.  I pray the Lord graces you with a continued renewing of your mind.
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Heb 10:32  But you must continue to remember those earlier days, how after you were enlightened you endured a hard and painful struggle.

moxicarose

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Re: About my journey...PART 2
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2010, 02:55:29 AM »

I enjoyed reading your posts Jessi.

Like you, I had similar experiences with church 'cliques' and searching for a true fellowship. It's hard dealing with loneliness, but even after finding BT (for me at least) it hasn't really gotten any better in that area of my life.

However, I am very thankful for knowing the truth of God's word, and would much rather be 'rejected by the world' than continue to live in a lie.

In due time, we will be part of a Heavenly family that we will not be disappointed with.. that's something worth waiting for, I believe.


 I absolutely agree...I cling to the reality that this is not my real home...I'm just passing through! In the meantime, I'll take the little bits of fellowship I can get here and there from time to time. :)

God Bless you, and comfort you! He has heard my cries for comfort in my frequent times of loneliness, and sometimes I feel like He hugs me..:)

~Jess
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Deborah-Leigh

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Re: About my journey...PART 2
« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2010, 04:05:36 AM »

Hi Jessi

Thank you for your sharing with us the “swatches, quilts, if not whole squares,” regarding your experiences of life. God is authoring a beautiful tapestry of love in charismatic motion to bring you in to His Kingdom via trials and tribulations.

Our bits of fellowship, are a sweet oasis we find on our way through the Desert. We don’t stop at the sip of cold water that we receive from the Disciple earning their reward.

Mar 9:41  For whosoever shall give you a cup of water to drink in My Name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward.

We move on to the One who’s Spirit quenches thirst.

Joh 4:14  But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.

Keep on keeping on, dearest sister Jessi. Truth is our Heavenly family.

Blessings
Arc
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space.ace.jase

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Re: About my journey...PART 2
« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2010, 09:02:50 AM »

Hi Jessi,

I normally don't post anything but I really enjoyed reading your story - I can relate to some of it.

Especially the part where you said "longing for physical companionship so much. I didn't feel inclined to read my Bible. I just was not sure I could understand it. I never did understand it."

Being single for quite some time it is hard to see other people really happy in couples and feeling like God is withholding this experience from me. Learning to trust God and knowing that he knows what is best for me is really hard but you get there eventually. Just like as a parent you know what is best for your child but of course the child does not understand that at the time. Also as Ray has stated many times God GIVES us spiritual understanding it is not from how hard we try to understand the bible. Sometimes all you need to do is ask - strange I know.

Anyway just though I would comment to say you are not the only one struggling to figure out up from down in this crazy world.

Jase.
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tamaralv

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Re: About my journey...PART 2
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2010, 11:08:56 PM »

Dearest Jessi,
Welcome to BT's and the forum! Your story has some similarities to mine also. So happy God dragged you to us and I hope this can be a safe harbor for you to share and ask the "hard" questions that the churches of the world couldn't answer truthfully, even if they wanted to take the time to try.
About your baby, Jessi, what a wonderful little miracle you have been blessed with! I work with special needs children in their homes and I was wondering if there are home health agencies where you live. Most of my little clients are covered by Medicaid and they will provide for a certain number of hours for assistance in your home. You don't have to even leave while they are there! You can stay right there with them the whole time or you can choose to leave for some personal time. These kids are so full of love and we can really learn a lot from them, but it's ok to take some time for yourself. You have to take care of you so you can be refreshed and ready to meet all the challanges of taking care of your precious little girl. Please check into what I'm suggesting with your child's insurance company (whatever it may be) and call around to some home health agencies to see if they provide care for little ones. I wish I were closer, but I'll pray that someone special enters your life to help you out. 
Again, welcome!
Peace and Love in Christ Jesus,
Tammy
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karenmarie

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Re: About my journey...PART 2
« Reply #7 on: December 22, 2010, 11:11:21 AM »

Hi Jessi,

I don't have time to come to the forum much, and rarely post, but I identified with quite a bit of your life's experiences. Many of the swatches on your quilt are on mine, too, but perhaps in a different pattern... I could identify with many of your mother's life experiences and I could see one of my children in you! But I also know what you mean about the demonic, too -- I had some frightening things happen to me, which brought me back to faith in God, because as you said, if the demon world exists, then God must also. Thank you for your testimony! It helped to clarify a puzzle that I recently asked God to show me the truth about - your post has provided that. I can see now God's working through a demonic experience to bring me back to Him.

Your words have also given me assurance about God's protection over my children.
Also, I so identify with your past church experiences - as well as your mother's. Agh - good to find kindred spirits, but heartbreaking to remember past hurts by church members as well as realizing that *I* was the cause of hurt in others, too.

I will be praying for your situation - that you will find help and rest in caring for your little ones.

Karen


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