A complex dilemma;''she really does look like a helper fit, helper meet''he said

[acomplishedartis]

Hi to all!

As some of you know, I already have some time around the forum, sharing these truths posting personal life stories and at some moments starting controversial subjects.

Well, the reason of this post is not controversial, I am just asking for the opinion/ commentary/encourage from the wise brothers around here. (Blessed is the man who doesn't go around asking advice to the no-wise.)


Here is the story: a friend, who is a believer, had a girlfriend since already
years ago. They used to live in the same city with their own families, until he moved because
of a job opportunity and personal reasons, including being free of the families social pressure
to assist the Christian church. They kept in contact often and he used to go visit when the
opportunity was presented. The plans were clear... eventually get married and move with him
after finishing her University career. It has already passed more than one year since this occurred...

The story follows that since months ago she started being very "frustrated" with the situation.
Implying with hurtful comments that she wasn't ready to move, that she wanted him to go
back, that she didn't feel she had a boyfriend anymore, that she was frustrated, that she felt
limited of hanging out with others just because she was waiting like a fool. Well, she was
waiting for him with a negative attitude. This wasn't anything new at this point of the relation
and it was truth that she wasn't ready to leave everything and move. Eventually he tried to
leave things for good, because he didn't want her to regret moving and he wanted to avoid
future eventual bigger problems (but she didn't seem to assimilate the break over).

She is still a little immature and still deals a lot with family and friend social-pressure. She
was risen in the middle of the ''Christian church show'' and still believes most of what they
teach on church.
My friend who is a believer have told her some about his main believes (that
he have learned on bible-truths) but she doesn't seem to assimilate the information and the
consequences of it. Even so of what she had heard from him, she still has suggested him to
find a church to attend.

However; they both have very alike personalities and have already a long history. She is very
easy going, attractive girl who tends to be very "influence-able" and no strongly emotional
stable.

Okay. Here is where the complex dilemma arises:

While the relationship was getting over and after it supposedly finished, He met a girl at the
place where he lives. They start hanging out as friends and after a little while; it's obvious that
she likes him. He wants to get to know her deeper and he likes her as well.

This girl doesn't have an explicit or arranged set of believes, but she have said to be open to
learn more about the bible and what he have to say about it. She is more mature and more
independent and has already a strong attachment with him. She has been very patient,
comprehensive, supportive.
My friend says she really does look like a "helper fit, helper meet". But since this
is recent he doesn't know her very well yet.

But recently his ''ex-girlfriend'' have been trying to contact him often, she have apologize
for not waiting patiently and for things she said before, now, suddenly, she says to be ready
to leave it all and move. And since they had so much history together, now she seems to be
trying her best.

But, ¿is it true? Or is she just saying these things because she is afraid to lose him for good?

Her time to try to prove what she now says was all these separate time, this past year,

now it's seem a little bit late, and may not be true. All year has been a struggle for him, trying

to convince her every time, that he was doing these for both, that soon time to be together will

come, but she kept on trying to convince him to go back and make him feel selfish and bad

because of leaving her. My friend's heart is stumbling, but his intellect should make the decision

while he hopefully is already on time...


Should he go back with her?, Should he wait and see what happens? Should he stay with his
present good friend that lives close to him who is available to wait for him until he clarifies his
situation? He needs time and they are waiting for his decision!

Please stay with me in the story, this complex situation is not an easy one... All is of God and

eventually everything works for good on those who love him. There are times to hang on

there, and there are also times to make hard, drastic, fast decisions...



I really hope that I was able to put all these together as clear as possible, of course this is just a small extract from the whole situation, but if anyone would have something to say and time to pray about it; it will be much appreciated.

Moises


Ps. (I am not camouflaging the situation saying that it is about a friend while it's about me. Those who know me here know that I haven't gone through all this experience on the past years. However, I have tried to put myself on my friend's shoes and here I post these tread)

[cjwood]

moises you are such a loving friend.  with regards to the situation you have presented, i would only state a few absolute truths, and ask one question.

1.  ALL is of God the Father.
2.  it IS so recent since your friend broke up with his ex-girlfriend.  (and there is that old "rebound" relationship which shows up so many times after a recent break up.)
3.  did the ex-girlfriend know about the "new" girl BEFORE she decided she wanted to "leave it all and move" to be back with your friend?
4.  i WILL pray that Father God will guide your friend's steps through His Spirit, and give him ears to hear as the Holy Spirit speaks to his spirit.

claudia

[acomplishedartis]

Claudia thanks for that.

1. That is the reason for which we can have trust and hope! Since God will eventually work it out for good. All we can do is to trust God and try to do what's right.
2. Yes, very predictable.
3. The ex-girlfriend doesn't still about the existence of the ''new'' girl.

[acomplishedartis]

I know the story is a complex dilemma. But...   Do you guy's think that he should give it a chance to the 'ex-girlfriend'?

In my opinion, I believe that there is more possibilities for big problems to arise when one person wants to keep on with church games and the other is already over with all that. And we are not talking about a divorce in here...

[Akira329]

Situations like these are hard to judge. We don't have nearly as much info as your friend does on these two women. Or on him.
People make choices based on a number of things!
But there are reasons why ex's are ex's....it didn't work out.
He has now found somebody with qualities that are admirable and potentially a partner for life.
I think he should stick with the new girl personally.
The hard part is telling his ex about her.
She won't go away unless he tells her the truth or he ignores her.

Some questions I would ask myself...
Who does he love the most?
Who can he image his life with?
Who makes him a better man?

He should be honest with his ex and possible talk to her about why the relationship failed and why he wants to move on.
This is tough either way.
Your a good friend Moises! I hope your friend works this out.
Antaiwan

[acomplishedartis]

Hi Antaiwan
thanks for the contribution

Yes, I know we don't have as much info as he does but as I said this is just a small extract from the whole situation and the reason to post it was for a good opinion/contribution, as yours. You know, I am almost the only one brother that he knows face to face, and I thought that he would be encourage from listening to others good opinions from people here in the forum. I guess, sometimes it's hard to think clear when so many emotions are involved and I think that it's better to hear a good advance in here (among brothers) than to go somewhere else with people that doesn't have 'solid foundations'.

Of course, at the end the choice is of ''him''-influenced by a good number of causes and many of this causes are out of his control.
At the end we are all clay on God's hands, He is the best potter and soon or later trough much tribulations; masterpieces will we become.

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The hard part is telling his ex about her.
She won't go away unless he tells her the truth or he ignores her.

He should be honest with his ex and possible talk to her about why the relationship failed and why he wants to move on.
This is tough either way.

The thing is that if he tells his ex about her, she will think that he has remplaced her, when that is not true (since while the relationship was getting over and after it supposedly finished, then he started to met the new girl). Also it would be not fair for the the ex to believe that she has been remplaced, so that is why he should not tell about the new girl until time pass by.

On the other hand what you said might be true as well. ''She won't go away unless he tells her the truth or he ignores her''. He have already tell her the truth but she still have hope to fix things. Now days on the 'communication age' it's very hard to avoid someone, specially if that someone use the past to try to fix present complicated situations.

[ez2u]

have your friend look at these women and ask himself will i want to grow old with this person  will i still want to be with this person when i am 40 or 60?  is this  someone i can spend the rest of my life with?

[acomplishedartis]

Moises,

Women are the same everywhere.  You can't live with them, you can't kill them.

ha,
Jonh, you always with funny comments. 
But be careful, you don't want to start a 'men vs woman fight' on this tread... 

[acomplishedartis]

have your friend look at these women and ask himself will i want to grow old with this person  will i still want to be with this person when i am 40 or 60?  is this  someone i can spend the rest of my life with?

Those are some good questions...

thanks

[Dave in Tenn]

I'm going with Akira on this.  Agreeing that we don't know his situation better than he does, but also agreeing that break-ups happen for a reason.  Though he can be manly without machismo, he is the one in the position to have a choice.  If he sees the first as immature, that in and of itself is a reason not to go quickly forward with her.  Though he might be succesful in 'raising' her, if her attachments are to her friends and peers, he will be on an unequal footing from the beginning.

The one he marries he may not yet have even met, for all we know.  But if his mind is on finding a true partner, then the choice between these two seems clear.  SEEMS clear, that is.  God only knows.

You know you are asking us to go where even Ray will not go!     Matters of the heart are the trickiest of all, and Scripture has little to say about 'dating' explicitly.  Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church is not EXACTLY the same thing as 'be fond of and attracted to your girlfriend."     All other things being equal, it wouldn't be wrong to advise him to start a marriage where God commands he continue it.

Hoping I haven't been a fool at the gate.     

[acomplishedartis]

hi Dave in Tenn, thanks for your contribution

Matters of the heart are the trickiest of all, and Scripture has little to say about 'dating' explicitly.  Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church is not EXACTLY the same thing as 'be fond of and attracted to your girlfriend." 

Yes, I have questioned my self the boyfriend-girlfriend concept in the past. The time might comes when it's already too late to keep on playing 'the game' (too late for me already... and would you believe me that I never really used it... ha.) and one most better seek to finally engage.

Hoping I haven't been a fool at the gate.     

No, I don't think so.

[Gina]

Should he go back with her?, Should he wait and see what happens? Should he stay with his
present good friend that lives close to him who is available to wait for him until he clarifies his
situation? He needs time and they are waiting for his decision!

If I were in your cousin's shoes, I would definitely not go back with her.  She's much too immature for marriage, and besides they don't see eye to eye on their beliefs about organized religion -- will that be another bone of contention?  Most likely. 

I believe he will regret marrying her if he does.  Why?  Because by marrying her he will be teaching her that it's okay to continue to harass him for everything that doesn't make her feel good.  And I can almost guarantee that she will continue to blame him for everything that doesn't make her feel good, and they will divorce, sooner rather than later.

My two cents.

[cheekie3]

Moises -

I am not sure if what I am about to state is 100% Scriptural:

If you cousin was engaged (betrothed) to his ex-girlfriend - does not GOD treat this as the same as Marriage.

If so, do not the Scriptures say that a Believing Husband should not leave his unbelieving wife; as she may become a believer as she sees the believing Husband living his life in the Spirit through Christ Jesus.

Regards, George.

 

[acomplishedartis]

Gina, I think you have some good points...

I am glad you posted.





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Hi Cheekie3.

Ray have an speech called ''What is marriage?'' and what you stated I am afraid, is not Scriptural. Here is quote from the beginning of the transcript:

Marriage is a contract. 

Now maybe a more important question would be, is love required to make a marriage?  [No]  Right on, no.  Love does not even enter into the definition of a marriage.  It does not.  Proof......how many arranged marriages have been in the world?  Millions.  Do most of them when they get an arranged marriage, love each other?  They don't even know each other. 

Does sexual union have to be involved, in the definition of a marriage?  [Unless it is consummated, you can annul it, right?]  How long do you have to do that?  Two years, eight years?  Now we are putting time limits on it.

Sex and love has nothing to do with the definition of marriage.  Nothing to do with it and I'm going to prove it to you.  So What is marriage?  We are going to find out.  Get ready for a revelation, because this may not all be what you think it is.


Here you can see some really good points: http://forums.bible-truths.com/index.php/topic,5675.0.html

There you will see that God does not treat this (the boyfriend-girlfriend ''game'') as the same as Marriage.
(Also they weren't seriously engaged, they just talked (sometimes planed) about it, like many boyfriends-girlfriends do.)