Hey George.
What you're going through is very difficult -- especially for you.
Your son manipulates you into giving him money. And because you're not able to hate him, you give in and give him money. Been there!
But you can do even better than that.
If he were my son, I'd be tempted to remind him over and over again that he has two legs, two arms, two eyeballs, two ears, two hands, ten fingers, and toes and a brain that he clearly knows how to use. You might be doing that already in your own way and words. Keep doing it!
But how to get him to listen? That's a tough one. I got mine to listen by acting like a maniac sometimes. I wouldn't recommend that. But if you did, then... 70 x7!
She got so sick of my complaining that when it came time for us to go our separate ways, she was like, Buh-byeeeee...
And since then, she's been supporting herself for the most part (I thank God for that and take no credit to myself, and I'm sure you'd say that very thing about yourself).
You do not have an easy task ahead of you. It sounds like your son is on drugs to me, too.
So, on the one hand, your and your wife's hearts go out to him because he's your son and you don't want him to suffer. But on the other hand you're angry and justifiably so. Because he's clearly taking advantage of the fact that you have money and he doesn't.
Yet, you don't want to upset him because if you do then he'll be angry with you. This would be me (not you, but me) in that situation: "Oh, no, what if he goes out and hurts himself..." (((biting nails off)))
Hurting himself more than he already is?
I'm trying really hard to not give you advice. I'll give you some more stories.
My friend's daughter was doing the same thing your son is doing to you. And my friend was real worried for her. My friend is so non-confrontational and her daughter got away with bossing her around and getting all kinds of money from her -- money she could have earned on her own, just didn't want to.
My friend loved her daughter but she hated what she was d-o-i-n-g. So she prayed. She prayed and she prayed and prayed and prayed. And you wouldn't believe some of the stories I heard in the meantime.
Horrific stories I wouldn't tell a living soul!
And you should see her daughter now.
My friend and I both got to the point where we had the money to give but we realized we weren't helping our kids learn to stand on their own two feet so we cut them off financially. And it was hard, and we had a lot of guilt about it.
But had we not cut them off financially, we'd still be arguing. Not the best use of time.
I figured, welp, I'm the adult and I know that it's most undesirable to want to grow up and support yourself because it's HARD. But it's not impossible.
I was making this mistake that many parents make: I wanted to make her comfortable. I wanted her to have a better life than I had. She got real comfortable. And the more comfortable she got the less comfortable I got and we'd argue and I said, Oh, okay! You think what I'm doing is so easy, then let's see YOU try it!
So, years go by and now after not living together for a few months this is what she says to me:
"Mom, I'm so glad you didn't spoil me and make a big deal out of birthdays and all that stuff. It taught me a lot." (We live in Southern California -- Orange County -- the materialistic capital of the world.)
Well, the good news is she just got a job working for Hasbro (the toy company) making almost as much as I was as a legal sec'y 5 years ago. Doing what she loves -- drawing anime. She's working the Transformers show or something like that. We're both elated.
I really hope your son isn't doing hard drugs like heroin or crack or meth or oxycontin, but it sounds like he is. That would scare me. I'd be on my knees day and night. I would so be tormented and I'm sure I'd be kicking myself and blaming myself (maybe you're not, but I would be because that's just how my mind works).
But you have God saying to you, I'm mightier than those drugs, George, and you're not doing your son any favors by teaching him that it's perfectly okay to go through life manipulating you and your wife and whoever else into giving him money. Life's hard but not impossible! If he wants (or at this point -- needs) to do drugs, he's gonna have to find a way to get his own money. And if he has to go to jail for stealing for the drugs, "Dang, We're gonna miss you!" George, I'd be in his FACE! I'd be like, Sure! You can do drugs! ha! You can pay for them, too, my man! There's a gutter right down the road, too! Mmmm, looks inviting, doesn't it. I'm sure the ladies will be ALL over you then! I'd embarrass him to no end. I'd give him something think about. ( Any maybe you have done all that.)
"Oh, Gina, that's not Christ like!"
Hebrews 12:6: "...the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
Psalm 119:75 I know, O LORD, that your laws are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me
Psalm 119:67 Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word.
Before I was afflicted I went astray too. So did you. So did 99 percent of the people who come to B-T. But NOW we obey. Or at the very least desire to obey.
Life's hard but not impossible.
God can use you to teach your son how to live in a way that's h-o-n-o-r-a-b-l-e, George.
When my friend's child needed money: Gift certificates to the grocery store and gas stations. Those were the necessities. Anything beyond that was a want.
I used to tell my daughter, sure, you want money? No problem, hon! I have some laundry that needs to be washed, and how about driving to the store to get us some groceries -- I'll pay you for your time and gas and energy and I'll even pay for the food. My car needs washing, here's a bucket.
If I had a lawn, 'Needs mowing, hon. Thanks!'
I know, I'm sure your son doesn't have any desire to do those things - just like our kids didn't but if he wants your money, he's gonna have to earn it fair and square. What he chooses to do with it once it's out of your hands is his business. If he gets hungry and embarrassed enough, he'll look for work.
This, of course, all presumes your son doesn't have mental or physical problems preventing him from getting work (besides the poor economy) above and beyond any drug usage. My heart goes out to you and your wife. And your son, too, because I didn't want to grow up either. I was forced to, and I have my days and I'm not perfect, but I'm not a drain on anyone and for that I'm thankful.
Ahhh, now that was just what I needed. Thanks, George!
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Topic: Unreasonable Son (Read 4838 times)