Lately I've been moved to a focused study of the Sermon on the Mount.
I've dedicated myself to memorizing it, and so far I've been using a couple different translations, to get a deep understanding of it.
But one thing I've noticed, as I contrast my behavior with the standards of spiritual righteousness set by Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount, is this: that doubt and belief have very definite consequences when it comes to behavior, and that it is a very special and important insight to see why belief is such an important issue to God... why it is counted as righteousness when it is rightly placed... why he tested the belief of Abraham and why he calls us to believe on his Son, Jesus Christ... and how significant it is that Jesus said that "the eye is the lamp of the body, and if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be filled with darkness. And so if the light in you is darkness, how dark is the darkness!"
I've noticed that there are certain things I feel I ought to believe, that my conscience tells me are the right things to believe, but that the test of life, especially social life, makes very plain that I don't believe truly.
For example... we are instructed to offer up the other cheek if the one is struck, to run two miles when we're asked to run one, and to so give to all who ask of us charitably.
In the context of the beatitudes, and the rest of the Sermon on the Mount, this message is not difficult to understand. Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. And if it is divine treasure we have, as eternal life is, then a light on a hill cannot be hid, and we won't desire to compete with the sinful for sinful objects of desire. We have something better, something true, something by which the darkness of lesser desires is so obviously dark we can barely see them in the trumpeting of the Light of Christ.
When we do indeed see it. But how rare it is to see it! I find my ego constantly inflamed and ready for battle when people insult the Gospel by disbelief, or me by disrespect, or God by their pride.
But it seems that if I truly believed, I wouldn't feel threatened whatsoever. After all, if Jesus is risen, the price is paid, and the will of God be done. In fact, nothing but the will of God can be done. So what am I worried about? Why do I doubt? Why do I feel so insecure?
Is total belief impossible, or is it simply part of the refiner's fire? A process? A precious gift?
Is it possible for a man separated from Christ in the flesh by thousands of years to believe completely and please God? To have faith that can move mountains?
Peter denied Christ three times, and Peter saw with his own eyes the miracles of Jesus. In my heart of hearts, I want to believe and have faith that will make God happy, but is that vanity? Is it spiritual pride for me to desire faith that eclipses the apostles when I haven't even seen Christ? Or is it good for me to desire such faith, and to be hungry and thirsty for righteousness, and be like the Roman centurion who demonstrated faith unlike any Christ had seen among the people of Israel?
I hope you all can help guide a young believer, or might benefit from this discussion.