Please forgive my ramblings.......
I am the Michele that wrote to Ray about being unequally yolked.
I am still reading the articles on Ray's site when I feel I can comprehend what Ray has written. I won't say that I understand or comprehend and sometimes it's hard to believe and understand some of the things, but most things seem to answer the questions in a much more comprhensible way than anything I"ve ever experienced before and I'm truly thankful for that. The rest I'll just dwell on, maybe indefinately.......ha.
I don't want to present myself like I'm "what I"m supposed to be"...I know that's not true and it makes me feel guilty if I think someone thinks this about me. I'm as sinful as anyone could be, willfully sinful. I try to be a good person but being a good person doesn't mean that your sinless, goodness knows and I'm certainly not that, guess none of us are.
We each have our own story..well, maybe somebody out there has had a "dream life", most of us have not. My childhood of sexual abuse and being married to my non-believing spouse for 18 years, my mother dying suddenly two years ago, I don't have a good relationship with my father, and worried for my daughters spiritual well being. (well I used to be but it's getting better!)..it has taken a toll on my spirit which I am trying to recover.
I want to say something, after being married to a non-believing spouse for so long, I've really seen where they are coming from. I kind of imagine standing on a line, on one side are atheists (or persons who can't see anything and truly cannot conceive of anything except what their human senses tell them..which is completely natural if God hasn't enlightened you right?.... and therefore only believe in themselves and on the other side are persons of all types of beliefs in "something", this includes some of them believing in "God". I never liked the idea, ever, of God torturing persons forever in fire...for any reason. Who could? I could never reconcile the thought of a "loving God" with that "hellish" image of God. And after marrying a non-believer it was truly intolerable...this is why I kept searching...and out of desperation and heartsick/spiritsick, I found Ray's site and it offered Hope, so of course I'm going to read it all. And still yet I have to fight the fears, the "old christian fears" that I was taught all my life are still haunting me...that's why I came here for help and reassurance. I need "reprogramming". I am starting to truly accept it ast the Truth though because I am much more calm and relaxed than I used to be about it all...before I thought that if my husband didn't "Choose to "Believe" he was doomed, and I was scared he might take our child with him.....I am learning this is WRONG...THANK God!!!
(Question1) If a non-believer doesn't "Believe" that means that God has not called them to know Him, RIGHT? Therefore we should Not blame/judge them for not believing in God/Jesus because it isn't thier fault or choice??? Please correct me if I say anything wrong...this is all new to me.
I was sexually abused as child and it's very very hard for me to trust, I question Everything. I question scripture (whether it's true or manmade or legend/myth) even when I'm trying to learn from it and follow it because it's so hard for me to believe anyone or anything. I question Gods existance, more because I'm married to a non-believer than anything. I guess that's why God says don't marry a non-believer. It does cause traumas in a relationship.............................BUT, it truly wouldn't be so intolerable, fearful and unhappy for Believing Partner of the Unequally Yolked couple if the Believer Knew that no matter what, We're all going to Choose God and we're all going to end up in Heaven. Please help me believe this to down to my soul! This is my fervent prayer because with this I can Live with so much less fear and so much more happiness. I went on the internet the other day looking at the terms unequally yolked and there was a woman "christian", who I think was trying to "help" young women/men before they chose to marry a Non-believer like she had
http://net-burst.net/ruth/mismatched.htm here is the website (If it's ok to post it so others can read it). I think she is trying to be helpful...but at the same time there is something there that bothers me badly. I haven't personally asked her if she's worried that her spouse is going to end up in "HELL", but I"m sure she's thinking that. If any of you would read this site, I'd appreciate your thoughts on it. I'm sure she has a lot of good points, but at the same time it seems to totally put all of the blame squarely on her shoulders and doesn't speak of any Hope whatsoever, and she obviously doesn't believe that all of her children or husband are going to end up in heaven....
I believe now that God says do not marry a non-believer because it can and usually does cause problems in a marriage because you cannot "share" God with one another.
That's obviously true, I will regret that aspect for all of my life. BUT, the scriptures also state if you are married to a Non-believer that you are to Stay with them if they want to stay married to you. IF the believing spouse KNEW what I am learning now, that he/she is NOT responcible for Saving their Spouse OR anyone else in their family (I am right aren't i?) and that their Spouse and Children are all going to Heaven REGARDLESS....someday No Matter WHAT.... the believer in the famiy could get on with worshiping/learning about God in their own way without worrying themselves to death about everyone else in their family.....
Does anyone have any confirmation on this? I can tell you from living this life personally that when I can make myself believe the GOOD NEWS about this, that it's all going to be, OK, that my life is Much happier.
I have spiritual highs and super lows. Somedays I feel as if God is right next to me and other days I say "God if you're really there and can hear me" ......and then I ask Him to forgive me for that and I do this a lot... That's what's so funny, I've been mightly low before and I was right next to believing that God isn't real after all, but after thinking that thought I Always ask God to forgive me!
I find life deeply wonderful and deeply confusing and scary too. I am a woman, flesh and blood. I want to be Human and just live and love and be happy without chronic fear, worry and guilt. Sometimes I just want to LIVE and dont' want to Think at all. I have as many carnal and sinful thoughts as anybody....and I think, well your only Human..which after all is what God created me to be. And on the otherhand I feel the fear that was pounded into me from early childhood about the horrible things God's got in store for me if I'm not a "good little girl".
So here I am, me, myself and I. I want to be human and carnal, and at the same time I want to be good and spiritual as God wants me to be....and it just doesn't feel possible to do both at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I've been fighting a battle all my life....aren't we all?
What I am Hoping to find here is a Balance for the rest of my life and to finally learn the Truth.
I want to learn a new way of thinking about the world and about my personal purpose in life.
I want to learn the Truth about God.
I want to learn more about what God wants from me.
And since I"ve been scared to death my whole life, I am especially interested in the Hope and Goodness and Forgiveness that God has in store for me, and all of us no matter how sinful and unworthy we all are.
I guess I want someone to tell me that I'm OK and God loves me no matter what.
That it's ok to be ME.
I could do with some good news.
Thank you all for listening to my ramblings, I have many more.
Michele