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Borderline Personality Disorder, Psychosis or Pure Evil?
loretta:
Being a borderline feels like eternal hell. Nothing less. Pain, anger, confusion, never knowing how I’m gonna feel from one minute to the next. Hurting because I hurt those whom I love. Feeling misunderstood. Nothing gives me pleasure. Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I’d feel too much guilt for those I’d hurt, and then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or take an overdose to make all the feelings go away. https://www.bpdcentral.com/borderline-disorder/hallmarks-of-bpd/
Has anyone here had an experience with BPD? A SO, spouse, parent, sibling or child. A friend. Or maybe you have the condition yourself and are struggling with recovery. Has your perspective changed since coming to BT, knowing the truth about evil and the soverignty of God. Is recovery possible at all? Does that black hole inside of them ever fill up? Is it realistic to hold out in hope?
arion:
Well, not a BPD here but a full fledged Schizoid personality disorder that I've had since my early twenties. No medication and nothing that can be done for it on a carnal and physical realm. You go to a psychiatrist and they want to medicate you. You go to a psychologist and they want you to contemplate your naval. All that psychologists and counselors can do is root around in the carnal and physical which accomplishes nothing that is basically a problem with no organic cause.
I've come to the point several years ago now that it's been put in the Lord's hands and I'm o.k. with it. There are pluses and minuses to just about everything. On the negative side I tend to be a loner's loner but it doesn't bother me. On the plus side I don't get the emotional swings that a lot of people get. I tend to be the same emotional temperature day/night, good/bad.
And this is something that has really humbled me. I have made quite a study of the Nazi's during WWII. I wanted to see just how people with apparent normal backgrounds could turn into animals that did the things that they did with apparently no more feeling than swatting a fly. But, I've come to the realization that I probably would of made a very good Nazi who could of been a very dangerous and feelingless person except for the grace of God. When people wonder how could a Hitler or someone like that could happen, I know how it could happen. I know that if I was born 50 years earlier and lived in Germany that I would of rationalized it and went right along with everybody else.
It's a humbling revelation I tell you. A lot of Christian folk will say 'Except for the grace of God goeth I' but they really don't believe it....not for a minute. I do experientially know this. I know that I could of done horrible things except for God's intervention.
So for me there is a measure of blessing about this condition. One of the hardest things for people to get their minds around is the beast within and to confront that beast. My condition is the very vehicle that God has used to bring me face to face with that inner beast. It makes me very grateful and at the same time extremely humbled. God works on us all in his ways and in his timing and I'm OK where I am at. So there are some positives and I'm beyond the point of beating myself up because I can't be as outgoing and as emotional as others can be. We all have our own trials in life and this is simply the one I have to carry.
rick:
Assumptions held by BPD sufferers
When you're interacting with someone with BPD, it's crucial to understand that their unconscious assumptions may be very different from yours.
Their assumptions may include:
I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or else I am worthless. I must be completely competent in all ways to be a worthwhile person.
Some people are good and everything about them is perfect. Other people are thoroughly bad and should be severely blamed and punished for it.
My feelings are always caused by external events. I have no control over my emotions or the things I do in reaction to them.
Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them, so I always lose everyone I care about-despite the desperate things I try to do to stop them from leaving me.
If someone treats me badly, then I become bad.
When I am alone, I become nobody and nothing.
I will be happy only when I can find an all-giving, perfect person to love me and take care of me no matter what.
But if someone close to this loves me, then something must be wrong with them.
I can't stand the frustration that I feel when I need something from someone and I can't get it. I've got to do something to make it go away.
Keep in mind that these do not reflect the thinking of every person with BPD. You must judge what is pertinent in your individual circumstances.
Seems BPD is a totally self centered disease, the beast at its very essence. :(
Dave in Tenn:
Thanks, Arion. You answered the question I had when I saw the title of this thread: What is "pure evil"?
loretta:
Tks Arion, for your candid sharing. It is nice getting a Christian perspective from the other side. Someone who understands the truths of God, his ultimate purpose and who despite the daily struggle to live with the condition, is so beautifully reconciled to the sovereign plan of God. Thank you, this in itself, is so full of hope. :)
Tks Rick. You couldn't have explained this psychosis better. All I can add is:
But if someone close to this loves me, then something must be wrong with them. So I must find something wrong with them.
--- Quote from: Arion on March 15, 2014, 10:03:27 AM ---It's a humbling revelation I tell you. A lot of Christian folk will say 'Except for the grace of God goeth I' but they really don't believe it....not for a minute. I do experientially know this. I know that I could of done horrible things except for God's intervention.
--- End quote ---
This is a telling commentary of how God does use human psychosis/distortion of the mind/evil to accomplish his sovereign purpose. Holocaust stories/the strength of the human spirit always inspired me, but for the first time I am able to get a glimpse into the minds of the Nazis and understand what caused them to act so insanely.
--- Quote from: Rick on March 15, 2014, 11:11:14 AM ---Seems BPD is a totally self centered disease, the beast at its very essence. :(
--- End quote ---
Recognizing BPD traits and understanding the triggers behind them is one thing. Living with them is altogether hell. I've joined an online forum for support and trying to come to terms with the reality that this is beyond my ability to change. Thankfully, I don’t have it half as bad with my SO. But as Rick so rightly said, it is the beast at its very essence. From the stories I read about, its a condition that leaves destruction in its wake, of lives, careers, marriages, relationships, families, reputation, children, futures, everything. Sadly most people come to know about BPD only in hindsight, when they are sifting through the rubble of their lives. Even those who do know struggle to maintain their sanity and protect their hearts. It isn't any better on the Christian group. There is a woman, at 62 who is ending her marriage after 45 years of marriage because she can't take it anymore. A 16 year old has to endure emotional abuse from her divorced father. Another teen wears headphones when her father is home. Messy divorces and child custody battles, leave young children wounded and sometimes in the care of their ‘out of control' parent. Emotional, verbal and sexual abuse, rage, strife, infidelity, acting out, acting in, substance abuse, alcoholism, blackmail. Its sheer madness, and the scale is alarming. Experts say that owing to its genetic nature, it is spawning a generation of ‘out-of-control’ people. Ironically, many counsellors are also people battling their own demons and they study psychiatry/psycholgy mainly to help themselves. So you can imagine the confusion, a blind trying to help the blind. As Arion rightly asserted, it is more than just carnal. At the heart of it is pure evil, of God, and of his purposes.
My struggle right now is , how do I love this personification of evil?
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