Kicking and Screaming

[lauriellen]

After only a few restless hours of sleep, waking at 2 am, I finally gave up and got up at 3 am....Opened my computer and this was on my newsfeed. This is SO me right now... It could not have come at a better time:

Kicking and Screaming All The Way
by yolanda stith on 2015/05/14 7:07 AM

Do you ever wrestle with God, or am I the only one? My heart says one thing and my flesh says something entirely different, leaving me caught in the middle of a tug-of-war. Frankly, I am not only struggling with God, but I am fighting accepting the circumstances in my life, mostly because, as I see it, I've had more than my share of difficulty, and it just seems unfair. Well, this is a big problem for me, since life is not about what's fair.

Everywhere I look I see injustice. I know seven people right now whose lives have been plagued by cancer or some other life-threatening illness. Terrorism is on the rise; innocent children, men, and women have been butchered because of their faith. The poor and the indigent starving and dying from lack of good healthcare (not necessarily in foreign lands, either), while their governments turn the other cheek, lining their pockets and feeding their own appetites. Human trafficking on the rise and the discarded bodies of young girls, partly decomposed ending up on roadsides and open fields all lead me to ask, where is God?

No, life is not fair. It's the religious mind that demands equity and fairness—that sort of linear thinking that if you do right, you will be rewarded. Well, life doesn't work that way, because God doesn't work that way. An intellectual approach to God is eventually going to leave one scratching their head in total frustration, because God defies human reason and logic, folks. As soon as I think I have a handle on him, something happens that bears no explanation and leaves me in a quandary.

So here I am on the threshold of what may very well be a major life-change for me, and I have to ask myself, where is God? This is where I struggle, because I know that he is right here with me, weeping with me, providing for me, leading me, surrounding me, and filling me with his grace, even though he is not necessarily taking away the pain or the circumstances. Consequently, every day is a new opportunity to surrender the expectations of what I wanted my life to be, now and in the future.

Some things you learn kicking and screaming all the way. I never asked to be "called" to live the crucified life this way for the past 11 years—first with my son and now with my husband. I never even imagined that my calling would look like that. If I had any inkling, I'm sure I would have just run like Jonah, as far as I could in the opposite direction. I have to be painfully honest with you, lest you think I'm some fantastic spiritual giant that I am not: I hate my life right now, and I would do anything to rewrite this story. Of course, I say that without the knowledge of how the story ends. I hate watching my son avoid his dad, because he just can't bear to watch what dad has become. I hate hearing him say to me that he's angry with God and doesn't understand how he could let this happen, just when his own life was turning around. And as I am listening to my son, I'm thinking the same thing. I hate that my daughter's health has deteriorated and is undergoing tests to determine just exactly is causing all of her symptoms. It feels as though everything in my life is slowly crumbling apart, and I am utterly helpless to do anything about it. Where is God?

I am in circumstances that I did not ask for, that I would have run from had I known I would have had to face, about which God knew and possibly ordained! I'm kicking and screaming the whole way. Is life just something to "get through," to endure, or is it something to savor and enjoy? Wow! I'm not sure I could answer that question for myself, not with all the kicking and screaming that I've been doing, at least.

Here's the paradox for me: In the midst of all my conflict, I know in my heart that while it seems as though God is absent and that he has abandoned me, he is very present—seeing, listening, caring, and feeling every bit of what I feel. He is the light in my darkness, the wisdom in my confusion, the peace and calm in my turbulent storm, the joy in my mourning all the losses, the hope in what may never be and no matter what, His grace will see me through this moment and the next and the next and the next.

No, life is not fair, but God is good and his goodness to me is not always delivered in ways that feel good or that I can ascertain in the moment. And while there is a lot of kicking and screaming that goes on, deep in my heart I know that God's plan in the midst of my sad circumstances is so much bigger than anything that I could fathom. He is going to redeem this mess and create something beautiful from it. I have no idea what that might be, and right now all I see is the mess, but my hope is in God's redemption through Christ my Lord.

To answer my own question, do you ever wrestle with God or am I the only one? I'm pretty sure I am not alone. Take heart, my friend. God has not left you alone with your struggle. He understands, even with your kicking and screaming. No matter what you're feeling, or what the devil tells you, there is redemption waiting for you, and your story will not end without it.

[arion]

I hate my life right now, and I would do anything to rewrite this story. Of course, I say that without the knowledge of how the story ends.

I can somewhat identify with the author of this piece.  Yet we are on different levels of understanding depending on what God has already brought us through and has shown us.  We can know however how the story ends.  All the earth shall see the salvation of our God!!  God is the potter and we are the clay.  All of us can testify to heartache, suffering and pain in this life on all levels including physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Several years ago I also would of done anything to 'rewrite' my story but no longer.  God has brought me to acceptance of what must be....for me!!  All the pain, suffering and trials were necessary for me to be where I am right now.  He has crafted these trials for each and everyone of us and even though now we can't see where it's going perhaps, yet at some point in the future we will be able to 'look behind' us and see clearly why it had to be the way it was.  Ray has taught on the looking behind us and I find it to be true in my walk.  To boil it all down on a personal level if there was a better way for God to have crafted what is necessary for me then he would of done so.....but there was not.  That is where faith comes into play.  So no, I wouldn't change anything even if I could because it's all a necessary part of getting me to where I need to be and when I need to be there.  In the end it's all good!!

[Dennis Vogel]

I read these words over and over. But they are of little help when you are in the middle of it.

Heb 12:5  And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him:
Heb 12:6  For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.
Heb 12:7  If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?
Heb 12:8  But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye ********, and not sons.

1Pe 4:12  Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you:
1Pe 4:13  But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.

Pro 3:5  Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.


But to trust in the Lord you have to have faith, but that's a gift from God. We just have to endure and trust as best we can.

[arion]

Heh....

Dennis, your forum naughty words setting starred out your 'b' word there.  Thats a good bible word.  I won't try it but I'd bet if I would quote the verse about 'his ox and his [insert name for donkey]' that would be starred out as well.

[lilitalienboi16]

Isaiah 28:21 For the Lord shall rise up as in mount Perazim, he shall be wroth as in the valley of Gibeon, that he may do his work, his strange work; and bring to pass his act, his strange act.

I believe Paul is speaking to the author here as he answers most (if not all) the questions she wrestles with:

Romans 8:15-39
15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.
16 The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:
17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.
18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
19 For the earnest expectation of the creature waiteth for the manifestation of the sons of God.
20 For the creature was made subject to vanity, not willingly, but by reason of him who hath subjected the same in hope,
21 Because the creature itself also shall be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God.
22 For we know that the whole creation groaneth and travaileth in pain together until now.
23 And not only they, but ourselves also, which have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting for the adoption, to wit, the redemption of our body.
24 For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?
25 But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.
26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
27 And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
29 For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.
30 Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.
31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?
32 He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?
33 Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth.
34 Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

1 John 3:1-3
1 Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not.
2 Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.
3 And every man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself, even as he is pure.

2 Tim 2:19 Nevertheless the foundation of God standeth sure, having this seal, The Lord knoweth them that are his. And, let every one that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity.

2 Corinthians 3:18 And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

1 Cor 13:9-12
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

Philippians 3:20-21
20 For our conversation is in heaven; from whence also we look for the Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ:
21 Who shall change our vile body, that it may be fashioned like unto his glorious body, according to the working whereby he is able even to subdue all things unto himself.

I see this whole life as a spiritual womb. It's part of the process of being conformed into the image of God. "God is creating man in His image." For the few chosen that process begins now. Judgement has began on the house of God and at His appearing, the elect will be transformed into the same fashion of His resurrected body. The rest will undergo the process during the lake of fire. Some people, perhaps the chosen who didn't endure to the end, they will receive very few stripes and their judgement will be over. Other's, like Hitler, satan, etc... will endure far great chastening and even wrath on that day when Christ is revealed.

Titus 2:14 Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works.

1 Peter 2:9 But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light;  Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy.

Apologies if I'm too long winded, I just posted as I felt inspired.

God bless,
Alex

P.S. I too, could not sleep last night.

[HoneyLamb56]

Lauriellen:  it's because of your testament that I like this site; people here are not afraid to speak the truth; they say things that others are thinking but have a hard time expressing, as myself.  Then there are those who respond with great encouragement and words of wisdom. 

I, also awake in the wee hours or I don't sleep thinking of my circumstances asking why.  Then, I think as you do that it's God's plan and I don't see the whole picture but why is it taking so long?  Will I ever see?  What's the point etc....It just keeps rebounding.  Then I have to reread "free will"  and reread because I don't see the result that I expect.  God has also let me see my stubbornness which I'm not ready to let go of just yet.  I see circumstances of others and feel ashamed. 

Thank you for letting us see that we're all in the same boat just riding a different wave. 

Diane

[Dennis Vogel]

we're all in the same boat just riding a different wave.

[lauriellen]

Thanks All,
I must admit, it feels like the waves never stop.....depression, anger, hopelessness, despair, acceptance, peace, calm,....then it starts all over.    I was at an all time low a few days ago, when I got up in the night, I got up and began to read.....There is a particular subject that I have not been able to have any clarity on in many many years. It involves the resurrection. Surfing thru my frequently used sites, I came upon a couple articles that I hadn't read before, and BAM.....there was ONE WORD that I hadn't really considered before. This man just anecdotally expounded on just this one word and it became clearer than I have ever seen it before and seemed to settle the matter in my mind once and for all. It's just like Ray said in his 'repentance' lecture, we repent in increments, and it seems like with each wave, we learn a little more and a little more. I guess I can't help it if I am the personality type who must always learn the hard way, kicking and screaming, (I account it to my German/Cherokee Indian Blood. lol) but I have accepted that is just the way God made me.....

[Mike Gagne]

we're all in the same boat just riding a different wave.

[Joel]

I look forward to the day when the shield of faith will go up before I get stung so many times by the fiery darts of the wicked. 
Ephesians 6:16

Joel

[Reg]

Thanks for starting the thread right now I'm like a toddler who just threw a temper tantrum, it's nice to know I'm not the only one. I know that lately my focus has been on comfort, security..the easy way and I'm now slamming into to obstacles and trials again... I thought I had earned a break and am angry. At the same time I can see how ridiculous this is and while I yearn to be right with God-I am still on one side pouting about it  . One of the things I have not gotten past (maybe it will improve 50 waves from now... Haha) is the desire to burn now and be elect but please dear God don't make it be quite so physical as Paul's because I really don't want to be uncomfortable like that... I know, ridiculous. The flesh is weak. God help strengthen our spiritual man please!

[Dave in Tenn]

Just because I'm such a nit-picker...I'd want to tell her that innocent men, women, and children are primarily being butchered because of somebody else's ""faith"".  Let's do all possible to be as little like those butchers as possible.

[Nathan]

Just because I'm such a nit-picker...I'd want to tell her that innocent men, women, and children are primarily being butchered because of somebody else's ""faith"".  Let's do all possible to be as little like those butchers as possible.

Nicely said.