Life is such a mystery. And while I tend to believe that this universe and everything in it was created, I often find it hard to believe that The Creator of it all actually loves us (or rather me). It seems more like we are left to fend for ourselves. And as if He created it just to see what would happen without any sense or purpose for it.
...and yet despite all that, I don't hate God. I hate myself.
Oh Sorin,
I'm really sorry you feel like that just now. I don't really know what to say for fear of sounding flippant in some way, because that is the last thing that I would wish to mean to be. I haven't quoted any scriptures either because I wanted to reply to you now, not after I've had a chance to look some things up and I didn't want your post to get lost in amongst the topic replies.
I can understand where you are coming from with your thinking. I never understood [and still don't sometimes] why some of the worst crimes of humans toward other human beings could be 'part of the plan'. I personally have had some of the worst experiences it is possible to have [as do many others here I think] practically from the moment of being born here in the early sixties [1961] 'out of wedlock', it went downhill from there.
During all of these 'times', I felt alone, like a fish floundering out of water on the sand, desperately trying to pick myself up and carry on. I thought I was doing not too badly considering. When the last major incident/circumstance happened along, I cracked. I gave up and just wanted to go to my bed and lay down and die. I'd had it. It seemed everyone I'd ever cared for or cared for me were dead, why not me too. Life was just way too hard. I hated life and me in it.
Then I met God.
There is a scripture that means that God will always give you a way out of a situation, a means of escape [sorry, if anyone knows where it is, please post it]
God himself was my way out when He dragged me to Jesus, there was just nothing and no-one else that could possibly have healed my broken spirit. It wasn't just broken, it was smashed to smithereens!. He certainly knows how to get someones FULL attention.That was one year ago in July just past. I am indeed a new person, the old is gone [full verse in corinthians somewhere I think]
When you hate yourself and your life like this Sorin, you invite change. You cannot change yourself anymore than I could change myself. God is doing that for you now. I know how difficult it can be grasping this fact because we can't physically see God standing beside us as though another person present. Nevertheless, He is, was and always will be there. Looking back on my own life, I can only see that now. Also, had my life not been so very full of difficult circumstances, I would not have learned the lessons I have, and not been where I am now [in Christ]
He has called you, you are being chastened into His image, Why? Because He wants you as a son. He loves you. When you hate your 'carnal' self and world to the point of destruction, what else can you do but change? where else can you go, but to God?
I too found it hard to believe that such a great and powerful all-knowing God, creator of the universe, could be even remotely interested in the insignificant zero that was me. Truth is, He is very interested in us
all [I'm still in awe of the fact!]
Hang in there Sorin, you are not alone, you will 'get there' just like the rest of us, each at our 'appointed time' My prayers include you.
Sorry if I seemed to ramble on a bit more than you would have liked, but your post seemed to indicate you were feeling quite down. What I've said comes from the heart, not quoted from scripture as such, I hope you don't mind.
God be with you
Angie
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