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pg-91:
Hi all,

I would just like to share some things about my life and maybe you could give some useful remarks about it. I'm 25 now, and have been struggling with depression and guilt for about 6 years. As I already wrote in an other topic I have a lot of regrets regarding my behaviour to my brother (who died in cancer) and my classmate (who died in an accident/suicide). I thought over these mistakes again and again and I'm very angry and disappointed with myself.

My way to escape from this guilt and which time to time seems to me, hopeless situation, was and unfortunately is watching pornography. It has started 6 years ago, and sometimes I could go some weeks without it, but it's still a big problem. I also started to go to a psychiatrist a year ago, with the so called OCD. It makes this whole thing even more difficult. Nowadays when I watch porn it usually makes my OCD, and intrusive thoughts even worse. And I still couldn't stop...

Ironically, I make my living by playing chess. But, since I've started to read the Bible, I have also problems regarding chess, I don't know whether it could be considered a normal work or a useful and good activity which is worth to pursue. I am alone most of the time, hardly have any friends, thinking a lot, which I know doesn't help with these problems. But I simply can't go on with life. When I had my best results, usually the worst was my depression. I even used to cry while sleeping. I think it has to do with the belief that I don't deserve anything good.

Sometimes I feel better after reading some of the teachings of Ray or some discussions here, but then I fall back. Also I have now this thought, when I feel 10 times worse and hopeless after watching porn, that I couldn't avoid watching it anyway, which I feel is a strange thing to think, but I am so upset at myself, because on the other hand I think how could I be so stupid to watch it again, since now it's not "just" a sin but makes the OCD worse.

I would very much appreciate any thoughts or advices, I really don't see the way out of this. I would also be interested to hear about your motivations in this life, what to do you think is meaningful and important?

George

lilitalienboi16:
Hi George,

I turned 28 this year myself and can relate to your struggle with pornography. You are certainly not alone. The fact you feel guilty as you do is a very good indication that God is working in you.

You may not know this scripture, but in revalation we are told, "and power was given unto the beast, to make war with the saints and overcome them." Paul says, "we wrestle not with flesh and blood but with principalities, with powers of darkness and spiritual wickedness in high places."

God has called and chosen you and began his good work in you and He will be the one to finish it, not you. You are the saint Goerge, and the beast inside you was given by the foreknowlesge and wisdom of God, power to make war with you and to overcome you. But Jesus is making His home in you and He has overcome the world, so be of good cheer and have faith that in due season you will be born of God.

You can search these forums my username and my previous posts of this very same struggle you now wrestle with. You may find amazing words of encouragements by others to myself in those threads. I know that many here were enouraging to myself and many of the older men could relate to the passions of youth as the lust of the flesh will still rear its ugly head in older age, but i have heard, less frequently than it does for us now.

It is a lesson in humility and patients. My lust for the flesh, naked women--Pornography--has been a crown of shame for me and it keeps me so very humble. Indeed I would find at times I was angry, Angry with the apostle Paul of all people. I mean how dare he call himself the worse sinner that ever lived, surely had he know this secret shame of mine, surely if he had met me, then surely he would have labeled me the chief of sinners. I mean, after all, Paul was caught up to paradise and was given such divine revelation, he was blessed enough to see the risen Lord Himself. I have never seen... but you see, paul slaughtered and wasted innocent lives, my pornography.. oh how foolish I was to try and steal paul's title but in all that, can you not see how God who in the blink of an eye converted the worst sinner to ever live into His greatest champion for the gospel, can certainly deal with our sins and make us white as snow? And did not Jesus say, blessed are they who yet having not seen still believe? This is you, this is me. We are blessed and our sins are no match for the Mighty God who see's who we shall be one day. A destiny He was willing to die for! He must see something amazing in us George to do that. Just you wait until He's done with us! While God is no respector of persons, we all must stand before the judgment seat of Christ, He does choose us and to be chosen now by Him does mean we are precious and special in His sight above all people of the earth. Take heart in that and know that there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who walk not according tothe flesh but in spirit.

A righteouss man FALLS seven times... AND rises UP again!

God bless,
Alex
P.S. if you need a friend and have a facebook, id be more than willing to share in friendship there. Just let me know!

Extol:
Dear George,

I will not pretend to understand how it feels to be depressed like you. I have known some people--including my dear wife--who have depression, and my attempts at empathy are usually pretty pathetic: I can hardly even say "I'm sorry" without tripping over my own two feet and making things worse.

Regarding the chess, I don't think there's anything wrong with doing that for a living. I've liked chess since my pre-teen years, and I think it's great that you are good enough to make a living at it (I certainly wasn't!). I do get to make my living by not "working"---I just draw pictures; silly, unimportant pictures. Like you, I've sometimes wondered if this is useful or worthwhile. But I feel very blessed doing it; maybe someday God will take it from me, but for now I'm going to enjoy it, and thank Him every day that I get to do what I do.

You are still quite young, and it would be highly unusual for a 25-year old man to be given full victory over lust. I don't mean to discourage you by saying that; but it's a long, hard road. You don't see a lot of 25-year old PhDs, presidents, grandfathers...those things take a lot of work, a lot of learning, a lot of experience to obtain. It's the same with our sins; God does not just give us victory when we still have most of our life ahead of us. It's a lot harder to overcome sin than to get a PhD. or become president of the U.S. The good news is a) there is a purpose for it all (even if it doesn't seem like it), and b) you don't have to overcome it; Christ will do it in you. You might have to wait a long time, but He will.

Here are a couple e-mails from Ray for you to read:

http://forums.bible-truths.com/index.php/topic,4098.0.html

http://forums.bible-truths.com/index.php/topic,4069.0.html

And here is something very encouraging from the forum archives:

http://forums.bible-truths.com/index.php/topic,13435.0.html

Jesse

pg-91:
Thank you for the answers and encouraging words, Alex and Jesse.


--- Quote ---Regarding the chess, I don't think there's anything wrong with doing that for a living. I've liked chess since my pre-teen years, and I think it's great that you are good enough to make a living at it (I certainly wasn't!). I do get to make my living by not "working"---I just draw pictures; silly, unimportant pictures. Like you, I've sometimes wondered if this is useful or worthwhile. But I feel very blessed doing it; maybe someday God will take it from me, but for now I'm going to enjoy it, and thank Him every day that I get to do what I do. 
--- End quote ---

It is good to hear, that you have a kind of similar job, Jesse. I would also like to view and play chess like it's an art( which I believe in a way it is), like drawing pictures, but during tournaments, I think its sporting element what dominates, fighting against an opponent and striving for the best possible results. And also, supposedly my oppenent also makes his living by playing chess, and of course I know that we don't influence each others income in the long run, but I still feel it's a tricky situation to be in.

As with pornography, of course lust is also a problem, but I believe the biggest problem is my guilt. When thoughts like, " Why was I so stupid?" "It will never be better" "Nothing makes sense now" come in, that's the time when I usually watch porn. So my main"reasoning" before watching is that is doesn't matter anyway, but after watching, I always realize that it matters. I understand you, that there is a purpose behind overcoming sins and it should not be easy, but now, when I always fall back when remembering my past mistakes, it feels very difficult even to go on with this fight.

Extol:
Hi George,

I don't think you should feel bad about the sporting element. I'm not a super competitive person, but I understand that competition is what pushes the best to the top. I've read about pro athletes developing killer instincts, where they have to hate their opponent and crush him, because "he's over there trying to take food off my table." While that may be an extreme way of looking at it, I suppose it's true; but don't let that bother you, because it's like that in pretty much every job.

I go to art fairs to sell my drawings, and there are dozens if not hundreds of other artists "competing" against me. Sometimes people buy my things more than my neighbor's. Sometimes the neighbor gets more business. Sometimes we both get a lot, and sometimes we both get very little (if there's a storm, for instance.) Sometimes the customers tell me upfront, "These are really nice, but I wanted to get _____ today and I don't have money for both. So maybe next time." That's okay.

Even when I worked as a dishwasher for minimum wage, I was "competing" against other people. Maybe there was a retiree or single mother who badly needed that minimum wage job, and I was taking food off her table. Such is life in this world. If we think too much about how our jobs are depriving other people, we will drive ourselves crazy. Play chess, do your best, and don't feel bad for wanting to beat the other fellow.

Regarding guilt, as Alex said, guilt can be good for us because it indicates we realize our need for redemption. And eventually it will drive us to God. I don't know if you read that email I linked last time, but I will re-post the opening paragraph here:


You are not alone out there with this particular pull of the flesh for sexual gratification. It is common among all men (and women to a somewhat lesser extent).  It is GOOD that we should feel embarrassed over our sins. My past sins are an embarrassment to me when I from time to time think about them. If they were NOT an embarrassment to me, I might still be committing these same stupid and lustful acts.  Embarrassment and guilt are good for us. These feelings first make us realize that these things are lustful, and wrong, and stupid.  But we will not have victory over them unless and until God reveals to us their real purpose and need to get rid of them.

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