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Author Topic: A Testimony from the tears of a clown  (Read 15089 times)

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Falconn003

  • Guest
A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« on: March 23, 2006, 02:23:20 PM »

(((abridge version)))
 
I was born into a traditional catholic family.

MY father, an ocassional abusive drunkard towards my mother and half brothers.

My mother setimental and God fearing, who leave her to abusives spouses for the sake of her childern.

I was the 5th of 6 childern from my mother, 3 older half brother, an older brother and a younger sister.

Both parents were frequent bar patrons, unfurtunately this would come back to hunt them later in life in the form of diabetes.

While growing up our 1st house hold and surrounding neighborhoods, i felt quite at ease with my older brothers support and their friends.

After changing addresses and cities so many times as my mother just could not seemed to settle down.

One time we moved into subsidize housing in a poverty area of town, many criminal elements were abound, One an altercation involving my half brothers in a knife fight, left one of them severly hospitalized. This over our dog barking at strangers passing to close to our back yard.

About the end of my 7th grade year and after a lot of convicing, our mother convinced her to move back into our house ((she rented out)) and our old neighborhood. At this time i was going going to have my last corrective surgery through a cripple childern's foundation program that sponsered my operation. This was huge turning point in my life.

See, growing up till then i got that ackward look from females and males on that 1st impressions, sorta like when you taste something for the 1st time, then you think hey it's ok it won't harm me. And i would prayed to God this would stop and people would just treat me like a normal person, that damn lipp is all i could not stand in my life til then. that lipp brought a lot of ugliness from people of all walks of life, to this day i still can hear that homeless man say how ugly i looked, i thought imagined that this man has no home yet he is very glad he did not look like me.  

Girls and guys who i thought were friends would vent out on me thier fustrations of life, i was ther freak, sideshow, mirror of uglyness, pityless punch bag, as long as they saw me they felt " well hell it could be worst i could look like him". And those ocassioanl girls i was found of just could not get pass the looks of nose and lipp of mine.

I felt so much wanting to take that mask off and show the love and peace i had in me, that i never let go of even after all those insults i still endured in the love and peace i heard spoken of in those many sermons i attended.

I found through a lot of trial and error that my personaility had to be what won people over and not my looks. And boy was it a tiring process, because of my looks i had so little a window of opportunity to warm up to people before they would decide what type of person i was. This also cause a change in me as well as i became able to read people so quickly and accurately.......their personnalities, intentions, truthfulness, decieving, lies, cheaters, users, pains, worries,.....etc.

You see, i could used this gift((curse)) for my advantage in my appraoch towards females to teeter the scales in my favor, or i could hurt them very much with the insight i had from reading them. Man.....i tel you with this gift ((curse)) i could open up the flood gates of emotions on a female and pretty much have my way. i could see that i could become a monster like those people were towards me in thier cold receptions of me in thier vanity.

Many a times i saw how people used their vanity to get what they wanted and used others so, and this is not the monster i wanted to be. I sought out guidance and for a while began to lose hope, i found it in the bible and started to read and study a bit more in depth.

My high school years is were i became a sort of clown to help others in thieir time of misery and not benefit from it in any way at all. I helped many a soul in pain any way i could.

My mother left me in charge of the house, as i felt adultish i got married at the age of 18, and in my senior year were expecting our 1st child, i graduated and started my 1st job out of high school as an oil filed map tech. Then the oil industry was huge before it went down in 1986 the year our 2 1/2 month premie child was born. Marriage fell apart as wife wanted to relive her care free teens years. twice she dated behind my back the 3rd time i had enough and gave her the ultimatum, of course it back fired and i was left out in the cold of the rental place we were staying in. Separeted and layed off from work, i took a job at a fast food restuarant and got an apartment. During the next preceeding time my wife had a countless string of lovers, i did not see my sons from the fall of 1986 til 1990.  

During all this time i was so angry at God for the break up of my marriage, i could see what kinda of life my sons would go through, being drag from on house to another by their mother in her own selfish pursuits.

One night, i was so angered at God upon hearing stories of what my sons were being drag throughby their mother. I twisted a small bible in an attempt to tear it and rid myself of it.  To this day i still have that same bible.

I prayed and made peace with God and promise study the bible more and work with childern programs if God would just look after mine. I worked with various child oriented fileds, YMCA day camp and summer camps, USA air force rec centers, parks and rec for the city...etc.

And took on a more calmer approahc when ever i cross my estranged wife. Then in 1997 my estranged wife dumpd my oldest son at my aprtment and says he will not listen to her and she cannot put up with him no longer, i went to court and fought his coustody to make it legal as so she will not come up with something, which she tried eventualy.  Also my youngest sees how the oldest is being raised by my fiance and i and wants to live with us as well, this did not go over to well with his mom.

During this time of 1999 i had a topsy turvy years ahead, a divorce to finalize, a Ford and Firestone rollover, debt because of injuries from rollover, my relationship with my fiance strainded, and just the responsibility of it all. I new the only way through this all was going to be with God or by God.  

Well the civil court went like this:  my lawyer, whom i sought out for myself, ended up representing the 3 fathers of the 5 childern my estrange wife had.

my ex was trying to sue the 3 fathers for child support of which she did not have any of the childern with her at the time, my ex's lawyer dropped her and requested a continuance for 2 months only 2 weeks were granted, ex shows up on court day with no lawyer. all 3 father were granted coustody of their OWN childern.

ex was to pay child support for all childern she birthed and not in her coustody.

I was growning stronger in faith during all this time and sought out a closer relationship with our Father for the sake of my family God has given back to me.

My fiance , sons and i attended several which all left a bad taste in our hearts and minds, the last one we tried was cornerstone church ala haggee.

It was doing some back ground checking on hagee that i came across Bible-truths back in 2002.

My family and i are now at peace and growing ever so strongly in faith, we have started a the new members of our family with the 1st addition of our newborn Mikael, who became 1 year old over this past weekend. We are looking forward to having 2 or 3 more how ever God see fit for us to have.

By God blessing going to Hawaii this summer for a long awaited vacation(((i just might stay there, don't know about the rest of the family...lol)))

I still have chronic injuries sustainded from the rollover: 4 and 5 lumbar leak; both hips; both shoulders((Lft operated on)); both knees; neck contussion , but as God has seen fit to bring those injuries into my life i would not have it another way. i could have lost someone that unevenful accident if everyone had gone and not just my brother and me.

so with the settlement i am semi-retired, still attending the university here.

As far as the injuries,I am still the advent outside goer, camper and recreational participant. do a lot of salt water angling all with the family of course.

I read alot, play alot of games on the comp, and chat on yahoo im.

I will not take meds for the pain the injuries. cept for the tylenol on those aggitated days.

As for the curse((gift)) it still lingers in me, it surfaces on accasion.
Still tempted by it in spurts. a constant struggle for the rest of my life.

In short this is how i came to be known as Falconn007-003 here in Bible-Truths, or Rodger on a personal level with a few herein.

The reason for the persona as a clown, is that i felt this would be my lot in life by God will, now it seems God wills more. I wrote a poem((of many talents i have been gifted by God)) that won several contest here and dedicated to my wife. it's hers now and if i can ever pry it from her i will with her permission post it up here one day.

In how ever way i may service you

Rodger
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gmik

  • Guest
testimony from tears of a clown
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2006, 06:46:20 PM »

Thank you so much for sharing. I constantly see How Big our God Is thru life changing stories like yours. (Not only are you one of the funniest posters but you are very clever!)
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Falconn003

  • Guest
A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2006, 08:24:22 PM »

Gena

God bless you for your always kind words. :)


Rodger
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Kevin

  • Guest
A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2006, 09:00:33 PM »

Rodger God has really made you a strong person. May His blessings be  upon you. Thanks for sharing that heart felt testimony. God Bless
Kevin
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Falconn003

  • Guest
A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2006, 09:59:44 PM »

Kevin

Always a joy hearing from you, your welcome.

Ideed God makes us all strong in each and every unique path he leads us on.



Rodger
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prarrydog

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A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2006, 11:42:13 PM »

Wow Rodger.  Thanks for sharing your story.  It really touched me.  I hope someday I too have the courage to post mine.  Not yet though.

Praise the Lord, His plan is perfect
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Falconn003

  • Guest
A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2006, 11:48:19 PM »

hey there parry dog

I knew you were around here somewhere. :)

Good to hear from you.

Thanks and your welcome........


Rodger
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orion77

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A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2006, 12:44:37 AM »

Thanks for sharing, Rodger.  Each one of us in one way or the other has gone through much suffering to bring us to the same place this day.  Amazing how God operates.  He is creating a people tried and true, being put through the fire.  Keep up the good work, brother.

God bless,

Gary
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Falconn003

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A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2006, 01:24:13 AM »

Gary you are welcome sir

thank you for you kind words of encouragment.


Rodger
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Mickyd

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A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2006, 07:55:43 AM »

Rodger,

Great testimony!

Sometimes God has to bring us down in order to build us up. He's done a fine job with you brother.

Keep the faith!

Will
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Falconn003

  • Guest
A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #10 on: March 24, 2006, 08:44:20 AM »

will

Do know always i appreciate your words of wisdom brother

i agree, although at times it is hard to see that way, i do thank God for all of our perseverance .  As we strive for his truthful knowledge.



Rodger
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shibboleth

  • Guest
A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #11 on: March 24, 2006, 10:25:03 AM »

I wondered if there was a story behind your mask. I find it intriging and see symbolism in the doves coming down [holy spirit?] amd exposing our mask we wear to the people we trust and then the world.
I too grew up in an alcoholic environment. I see parts of myself in your story. No matter what you look like physically, you are beautiful to me.
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jennie

  • Guest
clown
« Reply #12 on: March 24, 2006, 10:37:50 AM »

I think we sould all find it incredible to know how many of us have gone through the alcoholic home/personal situation. We all have our masks don't we. Someday we will feel safe enough to throw them away. Blessings to all of you who share so personally.
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zander

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A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #13 on: March 24, 2006, 02:04:56 PM »

Wow, im so happy for you FAlcon.  I love it that you have found "the one"
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Falconn003

  • Guest
A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #14 on: March 24, 2006, 02:18:59 PM »

hey Zander

thank you for your post

I must say it was all God who found us together, and brought us together.

heck if it were me alone i would not have seen her passed by as i would probably be looking else were. :)


Rodger
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rvhill

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A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #15 on: March 24, 2006, 06:26:07 PM »

I too have a Physical disability, and understand what you mean by the gift of reading others.
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Falconn003

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A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #16 on: March 24, 2006, 06:44:25 PM »

rvhill

Well what i know of you thus far as a strong spiritual loving person and i am greatful to know you in this fellowship.

reading people can be a dangerous weapon huh. presently i do not  abuse it and pray i never will.

Rodger
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rvhill

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A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #17 on: March 24, 2006, 08:06:37 PM »

Quote from: Falconn003
rvhill

Well what i know of you thus far as a strong spiritual loving person and i am greatful to know you in this fellowship.

reading people can be a dangerous weapon huh. presently i do not  abuse it and pray i never will.

Rodger


That is so true. In High school I was border line Psychopathic, and use to like playing games with other people heads. Everything happen for a reason though. In that time I looked in to the abyss that was my heart, and lost all fear. I looking back on those time I know there is nothing more evil then myself. It is only from my lord Jesus Christ that I have any good or love in me. From after that time I feared only God. External evil, dearth, and even Hell, when I still believed in the possibility of Hell holds no fear for me. Also from that time I rejected the fire and brimstone Hell. For I had been in Hell, and knew Dante didn't understand hell. I did not fully give up on the doctrine of Hell tell, I give up on the humanist doctrine of “Free Will�.
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hillsbororiver

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A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #18 on: March 25, 2006, 12:55:30 PM »

Hi Rodger, I too was intrigued by the mask or should I say by the man behind it. If you read my testimony you know I am very familiar with people whose physical attributes or limitations often have given them a unique perspective as well as a different life experience. I want to thank you for sharing this and I look forward to fellowshipping here with you for as long as our Lord wills.

Joe
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dogcombat

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A Testimony from the tears of a clown
« Reply #19 on: March 25, 2006, 01:57:46 PM »

Good story Rodger,

Like you, I've come to realize over the last 2 plus years that we are works in progress at the hands of the Potter.  The Potter will restore us from vanity to victory in Christ.

Ches
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