Hi all,
I apologize for being like this. Currently, I am overwhelmed wtih many kinds of emotions. Jealousy, Happiness, exctiment, anger, etc. it's all jumbled together.
A friend of mine- who is around my age, she got pregnant back in March, and she just had her baby today, it came early due to her cervix dilating... well back in April, when we found out she got pregnant, intially, I was kind of jealous because i've been trying for three years while it only took her like 2 months to get pregnant, through out the summer, but i got over that and was very happy for her. I asked for GOd's help, and He helped me learn to accept that it isn't in my control at all and I finally stopped trying so hard, didn't really think about whether that month is the month or not. Well this past month was something different. my persceptive on my infertiity suiation just changed, i was like, I give up. what's the point in trying to get pregnant, or even think about it. I got on with my life with that perceptive, Well, just today, i found out that another friend, that i know, she just got married recently and is now announcing she is pregnant. Today, i thought about my friends getting pregnant, just getting pregnant like its candy. I wondered why God wanted to put me thru this. I just wish I understood why. I would very much to be a mom, either by adoption, or be a mother either way. its just God isn't opening the door for either of them yet. I would love to have a family of my own, I dont' talk to my own side of family much anymore, and having children would be great. Its like giving them my love, my friends just seem to direct their love to thier own family and doesn't really have time for their friends, and I dont' really have a mom to share my love with, talk to my family- you know spending quality time with, I only have my husband to do that and I would love to have children to share my love with.
I'm just frustrated, I even stopped trying so hard, I've accepted that GOd is in control etc. I feel like I'm being punished for something. whatever it is. my thoughts were being cruel to me right now, my thoughts just run thru my mind, saying, God is getting eeveryone else pregnant jsut to rub my face into it, and laugh at me, or just punishing me, for whatever I did. I know that things happen for a greater purpose, for the greater good, but not to hurt us, but for our own benefit. I know that. its just when you long for a child, its hard.
my interpreter at the school., she said she felt sorry for me, that i couldnt' get pregnant, that i had to go thru wtih this, etc. she didn't say this in exact words, but it kind of reminded me of my inferitlity and my desire to have a baby. I dreamt of my friend having a baby last night and then today, I found out she had the baby. my dream came true and later tonight, I found out another friend is having a baby.
It's really hard.. I dont' mean to sound like this, its just that I just wish i could get pregnant and get this over with but I know and am trying to remind myself that God does things for the greater good...... when we may not understand now, but we might one day, either in this age or the next. Maybe God is just using me for something else. a different purpose but I just don't understand why God gave me the desire to have children if it's not in his WIll for me to have children. maybe he just want me ot learn to give it up 100 percent and stop desiring for a baby. I dont' know. it's just breaking my heart right now.
I have nothing against my friends, or anything for that matter, It's just the feeling of jealousy, the feeling of frustration, etc that run thru me, and at the same time I'm really happy for them, I'm excited for them etc. I am!! it's just the feelings toward my suitation is all. I know the bible says- good things come to those who wait. It's easily said than done. you know?
Please pray for me, Ask God to give me the strength and desire to please God, and do his Will according to his prupose, and to give me the strength and desire to learn whatever God is trying to teach me. Ask God to forgive me and help me with this. That'll be great if you guys could do that for me... it'll be nice? I'll need it.
Thanks!
Lacey