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Author Topic: The Beast Within  (Read 2254 times)

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The Beast Within
« on: December 06, 2006, 10:48:07 AM »

THANK GOD, that I, Ryan,  had fallen away, left my first love, looked back, forsook the Lord, and watched my house upon the sand come crashing down! Only then was I able to stand upon the sand of the sea, and see the beast within, the man of sin, the son of perdition, and Satan the devil who DECEIVED ME!
But NOW, "I am crucified WITH Christ: nevertheless I live: yet not I, but Christ lives IN ME: and the life which I now life in the flesh I live by the faith OF the Son of God, who loved ME [and YOU], and gave Himself for ME [and YOU]" (Gal. 2:20).
i was born catholic, and when i turned seventeen, i come to know Jesus and accepted him as my LORD and Savior, and fully persuaded that salvation is by faith in HIM. It just BLEW my mind after i understand the freeness of God's GIFT of salvation and how my Savior died for me. Moved by conviction and desire to follow HIM, I forsook my old faith and embrace the BAPTIST faith and with joy and gladness decided to served my LORD JESUS, and became active in the local church especially in "SOUL WINNING", Hoping that i may persuade others through the gospel of Christ and warn them about the ETERNAL FLAME OF FIRE that awaits them. Because i have in mind as i was thought and as i have believed it myself, that HELL and LAKE OF FIRE is the ULTIMATE expression of God's JUSTICE because they themselves FREELY choose to go there, and thereby God hold them RESPONSIBLE for their choices.
Well, basically i thought that after i received Christ as my LORD and Savior (with power as a child of God, and Christ IN me who can be against me?), i was confident that my spiritual life would surely become better and better (becoming more like HIM) as i walk daily with Jesus through his word.  But to my devastation, its the other way around. At times its true , but most of the time its not! At first it seems to be working, but after a while, it turns to mess...
With my UNCONSCIOUS STUBBORNESS, i tried to stand up myself everytime i fall, only to fall again harder than the first, fall flat on my face. I thought i was RESPONSIBLE for all of my actions becuase i have a mind with free-will, therefore its my responsibility to stand on my own. A foolish self-willed creature, clay and dust was i.
i was envious to those brethren who talk about their VICTORIOUS CHRISTIAN LIFE. And i tried to apply to myself those things they say that will  work, read books (bondage breaker, etc), hear the preachings (Walking in the Spirit, etc). But honestly nothing works for me. What's WRONG with me!  And oftentimes I question the sincerity and truthfulness of  "MY" faith in HIM, and i would ask, AM I REALLY SAVED? not that i lost my salvation at one point in time (being a BAPTIST who believes in ETERNAL SECURITY), but am i really saved on the first place? as we BAPTISTs often ask. This brought me into BONDAGE OF FEAR of ETERNAL HELL FIRE, while the fact is that my King James bible says I have not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear. Oh what a CONTRADICTION within myself! i can remember the times that i cant even open my mouth to tell Jesus to others for i was ashamed o f HIM, becuause i myself cant feel His POWER in my life for i cant even follow the least of his commandments, and i dont want others to be in a place where i was. What a DENIAL of MY SAVIOR!
I believe in HIS faithfulness to his promises, but to my frustration HIS promise that i would overcome, i find not. I was hesistant to ask him, because it seems i acknowledge His sovereignity, and i am persuaded that it is a sign of rebellion if i ask HIM why, nevertheless i cant contain my hypocrisy, and asked HIM, LORD WHY?
i had been in many pains and spiritual anguish that radiates through my physical body. there were sleepless nights of tears and hearthaches  which i had never felt before i come to know HIM and i wish i would never feel again.  How i wish i  should have never known Jesus, and i felt my life was better back then without Him. Many times i pray to God to take my life so i would never feel the pain that i was going through. I was in misery and deep sorrow. I was wounded, i was bleeding inside. I was living in hypocrisy, smiling with folks in the church, pretending to be ok, but really im dont feel im ok, something is wrong with me. there is something in me that pulls me down, that is really WILD and i cant put into subjection - THE BEAST! The BEAST IS WITH IN ME, THE BEAST IN NO OTHER THAN ME! And who shall deliver me from this body of death? o how wretched man i am! but thanks to my LORD JESUS Christ who can deliver me form this body of death!
Now i understand... all things work together for good... to them that are called...
Now i understand, God is grinding me into pieces. And i have all the reason to rejoice, and again rejoice. And to glory in tribulations also..
 the more i feel the pain, The deeper i realized that i need Him more than ever.
I was enlightened, i was set free from the confusing and opposing doctrines of men ( free-will and general atonement, human depravity yet limited atonement,  but both holds to eternal damnation deception) and from the deception of the devil... and truly God is not the author of confusion but of peace...
Now i truly believed, by the Spirit of God, without a question, that we really are clays in the hands of the  Potter. who out of the same lump can make a vessel unto honor and a vessel unto dishonor fit for destruction, whence before troubled me to death, and with my carnal mind i fail to see that the same Potter, is able to restore those that are destroyed.
before, i used to say ,just like others ( who advocate free-will)  the praise " by God's will " and the like  which the praise itself denies freewill.
And i am really glad, and  i understand to the fullest the true meaning of God's Love, and truly it never fails, it can reach anyone, even the enemies. God so love the World, and nothing is lost. Im so excited to see the day, if God will permit to kneel down side by side with judas the escariot, with hitler, with the terrorists, with billy graham, with the popes and confess together with them that Jesus is Lord to the Glory of the Father.
i was blinded, but now i see... i was lost, but now i am found.
When i sing amazing grace this time. its gonna be different!
Brother Ray, i thank God and give him praise for you!
im sorry if i made it too long.
Please pray for me brother.
Im Ryan, 26yr.old married with one  boy child, and currently member of  Baptist Church , Philippines

Certainly we will pray for you, Ryan.
God be with you,
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