Oblivion,
I can relate, for I do the same things. Especially the lusting after girls part. I even went as far as to call God "Evil" because I didn't like what I had read in the OT. One thing I was never able to break loose from is the guilt after I do something I know is wrong, immoral, sinful, etc...
So, I'm thinking, if God didn't exist, and if I truly had free-will, then why can't I just do certain things without feeling guilty, awkward (at times), and sometimes even embarrassed. I mean could it be that something is (dare I say?) causing me to feel bad? Well, I think so,
since I can't make myself feel not bad-even though at times I tried. You know, like for example, a homosexual is convinced that what he is doing is fine, and therefore has no shame, no guilt, nothing. I can't do that. And I don't mean have homosexual sex, I don't even want to, but you get the point. Had to clear that one up.... so there's no confusion.
I'm sure an Atheist would argue that it's all due to my upbringing and all that, but even so, if I truly had free-will, I could choose to do something bad, and not feel guilty, ashamed, etc... afterwards, but rather feel proud, or something instead. And it also, can't be due to my upbringing, because there was a time when I didn't feel guilty at all, in fact I was proud of myself. But that was before I went back to church and become a (cough, cough) Christian. After that, things began looking quite different to me, sinful, evil, unholy, and dirty.
But that period was short lived, for I went back into the world, and started doing those things again.
So, now I'm struggling with a double-mind, believe in God, don't believe in God, do this, don't do this, do that, don't do that....
you get the idea. I'm a mess.............
Thanks for reading,
Sorin