I really don't know where to begin. I'm just really struggling with sin, with my beliefs, with my health, with everything.
I struggle just to continue to live. I mean I want to live, and lead a good, clean, and sober life. But I just don't see much of a future
for me. I've prayed to God to help me, to help me to change, and to forgive me, but it feels like all my prayers are in vain.
Because I just go back to doing the things I've tried not doing. It's like I have a double mind, and I believe Joe made a thread about
that before.
I feel like a hypocrite even being here, because while my intentions in returning to this site were sincere; I stumbled, and fell into sin yet again. That's why I want to come clean, and ask for your prayers. Because I don't want to be a hypocrite, and I do need some help.
It's not so much a matter of whether or not I believe in God, it's more a matter of me believing that I am of any importance to God.
I know Jesus died for the sins of the world, yet I find it hard to include myself in it. It just feels like I am excluded because I've screwed
up too many times to be forgiven. Or perhaps, I am accursed of God and that's why things are going so badly for me. And it's not like I am innocent or anything, so it's possible I suppose. But then why me, and not others who are even worse sinners, like child molesters, murderers, etc... ? And I know that if you break one part of God's law you are guilty of all, so technically there are no worse sinners than me, or I am no better than a child rapist, serial killer, etc...
But that still doesn't explain why things are going so badly for me, and not for others.
I mean there are people who blaspheme Christ with the passion, and curse God and they lead better lives than me who doesn't curse God but struggles with sin. And I know that Jesus' disciples aren't promised glamorous lives here on earth, but there are many followers of Christ, and I mean people who are 'real followers of Christ', whose lives are much better than mine. I mean people who really picked up their crosses and followed Him, and didn't stumble along the way. Not saying I have a problem with people having good lives, just saying that it appears people who blaspheme God have good lives here on earth, and people who follow Christ have good lives, or at least some. So, where do I fit in?
Isn't God in control of all things? In control of our lives? And all things in our lives? So then, He is punishing me, because He is definitely
not blessing me. I just hope He is not cursing me, because I hope things will get better...
Thanks for reading, and for praying {in advance}
-Sorin