Marriage Guidance

[Craig]

    Hi Ray,

    I've never contacted you before; though, I have had a plethora of questions over the past four years of studying the Truths on your site. I found that if I search for myself and give the Spirit time He will reveal the answer.

    I am contacting you now because I have a great need. My wife and I have been married for four years. At the beginning of our marriage we discovered your website and began to discover Truth like never before. Four years later we have both grown immensely in Spiritual knowledge, but our marriage is suffering. I believe that spiritual reasons are behind everything that takes place. I look at the situation and see the spiritual since in it all. I struggle with accepting the thought in my mind that God would want us apart (for our own individual spiritual growth or anything else). I lean toward the idea that this has to do with the request that I've made to Him to teach me to love my wife as He loves His church; no matter if she returns the love or not. It appears as though He had to teach me many things about what I have done to Him and His never-failing love for me.  I see that this has b een a good thing in that bad happens as part of the production of good, but not everything turns out good in this lifetime. I hope that is not the case here, although, I want most for God's Will to be done. Despite my strong love for my wife and our three year old son, that is my prayer. I have studied divorce and have not been able to come to a conclusion on the matter. It is disturbing to think of this and the possible fact that if she where to leave I would be alone for the rest of my life; unable to have a partner ever again and uncertain if she will ever feel love for me again. There is fault in both of our laps. I have never physically committed adultery, but mentally I am guilty. To think is the same as doing. I know that she too has looked to others for attention. To what extent I am not sure. I have confessed all to her, but it is very uncomfortable for her to talk about her faults. She is an exceptionally private person and it's very hard for her to face her faults and m i stakes. I really see where this is bringing about so much Christ-like change in both of us; I just hope so much that it is the beginning of righteousness in us and our marriage, not an ending. We share so much passion for Truth and Life, but she speaks of having no more love for me and says that she does not understand why. She insists it has nothing to do with my faults. She speaks of overwhelming feelings of wanting to be alone. Why did she look to others for attention if this is so? She has such beauty inside of her (the things she wants to accomplish in herself, for our son and for the suffering world), but battles this other part of herself. I recognize it as the 'beast', because I have seen the beast in myself. But, to her it is a mass of confusion at this point. Ray, I want so badly for our marriage to turn out to be a beautiful reflection of God's Love. How could the ending of it be that?

    This is the very short version and I do want to keep this email short. I know you are extremely busy, but would you be willing to give us some guidance? You are literally all we've got. We came out from the church about three years ago and since do not have any friends that can give us the truth filled guidance that we need. I don't know that a licensed therapist or councilor would do this either, although they do help in many other ways. I believe the guidance we need is mostly spiritual. Just to here some words from you about the matter would be a wonderful thing. She looks to you with so much respect and reverence. You are the only spiritual guide that we have. This path is a lonely one, but worth it all. I press toward the mark!

    I see a brief conversation between you and I, you and she, and all together would be extremely beneficial. If you can, do you think this would be the most time efficient accomplished by phone? I know this is a lot to ask, but we do not have a pastor to go to.  I greatly appreciate your taking time to read this email. Thank you, Ray, for everything you've given us already.

    Sincerely,

    Justin

     
    Dear Justin:  Understand that I receive tens of thousands of emails. Just try to read tens of thousands of emails with a busy schedule such as mine, let alone answer tens of thousands of emails that would take (as in your case) hours.  I just don't have tens of thousands of hours to do this. I know people say that I could if I wanted to--no, I can't.  You have not split up as yet, but your are worried about your options in a divorce to find another woman.  Does that tell you something of your motives?  I cannot make your wife love you or desire to be with you and you only.  Possibly, you can, I'm not sure.  But for sure she might see things in you that to her seem selfish and or self-centered (I'm only guessing by some of the things you have expressed).  A woman wants to see strength in a man. If she doesn't see it, it is a real turn-off for them.  Stop thinking about yourself and direct your attention to the welfare of your wife and family, and just maybe your wife will respond in kind. Sorry I can't go on and on, but I don't know either one of you, so it is not possible for me to give you individual counsel. Besides, this is not my calling--I am a teacher, not a "Dear Abby romantic counselor." Hope you understand. I will pray that both you and your wife will make the right decisions to hold your family together.
    God be with you,
    Ray