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Author Topic: Silly Quotes  (Read 6079 times)

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Becky

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Silly Quotes
« on: May 24, 2006, 02:00:17 PM »

Zander wrote:
"Yes, here i am. Its bloody wet and i hate this weather. Whatever happened to global warming?  Welcome Seekeress! Nice to have another Brit. You wont be lonely with us, i hope.

I have looked at prices over to the states before for some of their conferences, but didnt have the time (holiday days from work) or the cash to do it. Actually money wouldnt be too much of a problem, so maybe one day i will make it, but i would need the time. I am going to NY in July and it will be 1st time in America - yeeha."


So I was reading this it reminded me of a quote!  Then I thought that I'd like to hear some silly quotes that ya'll have heard/said!


Here's mine:

Weather Forecast: Precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon. -Detroit Daily News
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Craig

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  • There are two kinds of cops.The quick and the dead
Silly Quotes
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2006, 04:09:13 PM »

From this months Readers Digest....

I read that 10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.


 :D
Craig
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Sorin

  • Guest
Silly Quotes
« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2006, 07:11:20 PM »

Quote from: Becky
Weather Forecast: Precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon. -Detroit Daily News



Quote from: parsonssc
From this months Readers Digest....

I read that 10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.



Hahahaha! You guys are too much! :lol:
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Becky

  • Guest
Silly Quotes
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2006, 10:34:22 AM »

Here is one my sister said in highschool:

What kind of plastic are aluminum cans made out of???
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zander

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Silly Quotes
« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2006, 10:44:51 AM »

There are SO many of those qoutes made by footballers over here as they are not the sharpest tools in the box.

here are a some

My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.
David Beckham

I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.
Mark Viduka

We lost because we didn't win.
Ronaldo

If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.
Neville Southall

He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.
Ronnie Whelan

I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.
Ade Akinbiyi

I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.
Stuart Pearce

Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.
David Beckham

I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.
Paul Gascoigne

I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.
Alan Shearer

I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona. (Barcelona are Spanish)
Mark Draper

I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.
Ugo Ehiogh

Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.
Jonathan Woodgate

I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.
Lee Hendrie

I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.
Ian Rush (he is Welsh)

Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today. (a team can only field 11 players)
Steve Lomas

I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.
Barry Venison

I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.
David Beckham

The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukranians will be more European.
Phil Neville

All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.
Mitchell Thomas

The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.
Graeme Le Saux

One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.
Alan Shearer

I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.
Johnny Giles

I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.
Les Ferdinand

There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.
Gary Lineker
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Becky

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Silly Quotes
« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2006, 10:52:16 AM »

that reminds me of the movie "ladykillers" where the jock of the group would say "yes professor" (very slow with a dumb look on his face!)  

I'm such a ditz at times too...
I told my husband about not knowing there was a pound currency key on European keyboards..... and he said "I can't believe you didn't know that! you are so ethnocentric."

I just never thought about it... ahh well! I guess he was right.
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shibboleth

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Silly Quotes
« Reply #6 on: May 25, 2006, 01:09:48 PM »

I can't think of any silly quotes right now, but years ago I put the coffeepot in the refrigerator. I couldn't find it for 2 days. Another time I put a head of lettuce in the freezer. I found that a few weeks later.
How many times have I not been able to find my glasses and they were on my face. Another time I was in my car and couldn't find my car keys.
My son reached over and started the car. I forgot I had put them in the ignition.
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Becky

  • Guest
Silly Quotes
« Reply #7 on: May 25, 2006, 01:16:36 PM »

yea it always sucks when you find the remote control in the freezer! :lol:
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orion77

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Silly Quotes
« Reply #8 on: May 25, 2006, 02:27:31 PM »

My father told a story, when they were on their honeymoon.  The very first meal she cooked after they got married was grilled cheese sandwiches.

He said they were golden brown and crisp, looked just perfect.  When he took the first bite, dang no cheese.. :lol:  :lol:

Gary
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SandyFla

  • Guest
Silly Quotes
« Reply #9 on: May 25, 2006, 02:47:50 PM »

I don't have any quotes, but here are a couple epitaphs:

In 1714, Anna Marr, wife of the parish clerk, passed away. This is on her
tombstone:
   The children of Israel wanted bread,
   And the Lord sent them manna;
   Old Clark Marr wanted a wife,
   And the devil sent him Anna.

Another epitaph:
   Within this grave do lie,
   Back to back my wife and I;
   When the last trumpet the air shall fill,
   If she gets up, I’ll lie still.
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Gill

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Silly Quotes
« Reply #10 on: May 25, 2006, 03:10:45 PM »

speaking of epitaphs,

Spike Milligan's, 'I told you I was ill' always gets me  :lol: .  And Zander, those football quotes are hilarious! 'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel' ...rofl
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gmik

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silly quotes
« Reply #11 on: May 25, 2006, 09:30:01 PM »

:D These are great!!  Those footballers are funny- but I thought Beckham would be a tad more with it...

How about some Yogi Berra's??

Nobody goes there anymore, its too crowded.

Baseball is 90% mental, and the other half is physical.

Wow.  This is like deja vu all over again.

 :lol: Anyone know any good oxymorons???  like  Jumbo shrimp???
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Sorin

  • Guest
Silly Quotes
« Reply #12 on: May 25, 2006, 10:49:52 PM »

"Please provide the date of your death."
-from an IRS letter


The Best one yet!    :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

Thanks Isabell for the link.
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Becky

  • Guest
Silly Quotes
« Reply #13 on: May 26, 2006, 09:51:09 AM »

last night on "so you think you can dance"... i heard this:

"I exuberate fantasticism!"
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Sorin

  • Guest
Silly Quotes
« Reply #14 on: May 26, 2006, 10:12:28 AM »

Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover - Found on shin gaurds
Product not intended for dental use - Found on an electric rotary drill
Instructions: Open package, eat nuts - Found on a packet of airline peanuts
"Kills all kinds of insects!" Warning this spray is harmful to bees - On a can of bug spray
May irritate eyes - Found on a can of pepper spray
Contents flammable - On a can of lighter fluid
May contain small parts - Found on a frisbee---This one I really don't get
Do not use orally - Found on a toilet brush
Do not use on eyes - On heated seat cushion
Do not use for drying pets - Found in a microwave oven manual
Do not take if allergic to asprin - Found on an asprin bottle
Warning knives are sharp - Found on the package of a sharpening stone
Has been know to cause cancer in mice - Found on package of rat poison
Remove infant before folding for storage - Found on a stroller
Do not iron clothes on body - Found on the package of an iron
If swallowed promptly see doctor - Found on a package of batteries
For best results start with a clean bathtub before use - On bathroom cleaner
Do not use if you have prostate problems - Found on PMS medicine
Do not turn upside down - Found on bottom of dessert box
May contain nuts - Found on a package of peanuts
Misuse may cause injury or death - Found on the barrel of a .22 calibur rifle
Should not be used on fish - Found on a bottle of dog shampoo
Warning this product can burn eyes - Found on a curling iron

Best one EVER:
Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals - Found in the manual for a Swedish Chainsaw
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Becky

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Silly Quotes
« Reply #15 on: May 26, 2006, 10:17:52 AM »

wow !!!.... heeeheeeeeee :lol:
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zander

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Silly Quotes
« Reply #16 on: May 26, 2006, 10:54:39 AM »

Those messages Sorin are undoubtedly the product of the ability now to sue anything that moves, perpetuated by the fact that society is always now looking for someone else to blame if something goes wrong.

I mean you can now get someone who buys a bag of nuts who is allergic to nuts and then eats them, to sue the nut manufacturers for not warning him/her that there were nuts inside.  Manufacturers are trying to cover their a@@ by placing these ridiculous messages on their products.
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Gill

  • Guest
Silly Quotes
« Reply #17 on: May 26, 2006, 12:30:39 PM »

Funny Doctor Chart Bloopers:

*Discharge status: alive but without permission.  
* The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
* The patient has no past history of suicides.
* Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
* Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

 :lol:

Funny Courtroom Mistakes (Based on Actual Court Room Transcripts of Trials.):

* Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
   By death.
   And by whose death was it terminated?
* Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
   No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
* I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
   That's me.
   Were you present when that picture was taken?
* You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
* Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
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SandyFla

  • Guest
Re: silly quotes
« Reply #18 on: May 26, 2006, 03:17:11 PM »

Quote from: gmik
Anyone know any good oxymorons???  like  Jumbo shrimp???


Rap music
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SandyFla

  • Guest
Silly Quotes
« Reply #19 on: May 26, 2006, 03:22:00 PM »

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by Qantas pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

Legend:   P = Problem logged by pilot
S = Solution and action taken by engineers

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found in right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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