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Author Topic: Judas Asparagus  (Read 2322 times)

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deftarchangel

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Judas Asparagus
« on: February 07, 2009, 10:21:47 AM »

Just received this this morning.  I want this kid's translation of the Bible.  So many truths I never knew before (Charleton Heston......that one killed me!)  :D 

Enjoy!   :)



If you need a laugh today, then this should do it!

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

 
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says,'The Lord thy God is one', but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.   

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. 

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. 

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
 
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it.  He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. 

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. 

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.  These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. 

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?'  It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.').

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead. 

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.


 :D


Rob
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Ninny

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Re: Judas Asparagus
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2009, 10:34:18 AM »

Very cute, kids are a hoot! ;D
Kathy ;)
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EKnight

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Re: Judas Asparagus
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2009, 02:27:21 PM »

This child has never had asparagus with hollandaise sauce!!! ;) ;)

Eileen
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gmik

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Re: Judas Asparagus
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2009, 03:26:18 PM »

Funny ;D (but I doubt a "child" actually wrote it ;))
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Ninny

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Re: Judas Asparagus
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2009, 04:28:31 PM »

Gena, you're right of course! It may have been inspired by something a kid might say, but as a teacher of 3rd graders you know all too well that kids are smarter than that!! ;)  I have a nine year old grandson who can quote, read, and understand almost any text in the Bible you ask him to! PLUS he's a smarty pants and if he read that post he'd say "Man that kid must be dumb!" :D You know there is no kid smarter (in their own mind) than a nine year old! (Except maybe teenagers!) :o ::) Oh yes, when my younger son was 5 I told him to always be kind to people because he "may be attending angels unawares" to which he promptly replied ANGEL'S UNDERWEAR??  I've heard people tell a story like that several times, but it really DID happen in my house!! ;D ;D My grandson comes by the "smarty pants" honestly!!
It was a really cute story though! ;)
Kathy :)
« Last Edit: February 07, 2009, 04:33:59 PM by Ninny »
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KristaD

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Re: Judas Asparagus
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2009, 04:59:05 PM »

"Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston." This nearly made me spit out my food  :D
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cjwood

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  • Posts: 2095
Re: Judas Asparagus
« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2009, 01:21:16 AM »

i loved the part about solomon and his 500 porcupines.  :D

laughter, truly one of the best medicines from the Great Physician  :D

claudia
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