And the crisis continues

[lilitalienboi16]

So i'm sure most of you read my big thread a few months back and my delima with school. Well the semester came with an end and I pretty much failed my classes across the board.

Now my GPA is shot, it has been for a while, I was trying to recover to at least get myself to a 3.0 and for a while It was working, but this past semester with my personal war within, my gpa is back down to a 2.8 and it seems like there is no hope for recovery.

I Just want to say that 3.0 is terrible in my case, considering I want to go to med school, my dad told me in california you need a minimum of 3.3 on top of solid scores with the MCATS 35+, a score of 33+ will still get you somewhere good, probably out of state but yea.

So anyhoo, my whole point with this is I just want to know, is there still hope for me to be a dr? Can God get me there with even this odds? Oh i forgot to mention I also have like zero volunteer work, which looks pretty good on an application and pretty much required.

I could get the volunteer work done and I was actually thinking about starting this coming semester, I have helped my dad at AYUTA before, so I suppose i do have SOME volunteer work, but probably not enough.

I'm really disappointed in myself, and nothing you say could be any more harsh than I have been on myself. I just can't seem to FIX my inability to study/ concentrate properly.

I recently told a friend that God would see me through it, and she told me, God's not gonna do it for you, you have to do it yourself. I told her i'm trying... but what she said makes me feel like maybe she is right.. maybe its up to me and God isn't gonna drag me through it, God isn't gonna just magically get me there, God isn't gonna DO THIS for me. But then that goes against everything I believe.. isn't he in control?

But then again, Is thinking hes fully in control just an excuse for me not to try? Am I using the idea that God is fully in control as a reason to just be lazy? Am i being lazy? What is wrong with me? Heh.............. >.>

So... yea, i'm feeling prettty down with myself, disappointed in myself, confused. I'd love to be a Dr, its all I can see myself doing but at this point.. it seems that even if I did well on my MCATS, I would probably not have a great chance of getting into any good medical school.

So what do you think? Can God reconcile this, is this just part of the trials He wants me to experience? Is this just Him trying to really show me just how much I need to trust Him? Or is it up to me to fix this, and I can't count on God, I need to get out of this on my own? Ugh.. listen to me.. that second part almost sounds crazy but thats just how tormented I am with these thoughts.

I've come so far, (Albeit with not the best of grades) I have one more semester of physics to take and I could theoritically take the MCATS this coming summer, thats how close I am to med school but I feel theres no chance this far in to ever fix my mistakes.

And i'm rambling.

Anyhooooooooooooooooooooooo, ugh. >.>

Life, ugh. >.>

P.S. If I fail at this endeavor, i'm going to have let down a LOT of people... one let down after another, but I know none of that will hurt as much as having let myself down.

P.P.S No i'm not doing this for anyone else, its what I want to do with my life ( yes yes It is, despite all the bitching and moaning I do about the schooling, I know *shock*)

[JohnMichael]

Hi Alex,

This is just my overall impression after reading your post. It appears that a trap has been laid before you. Your friend is presenting you with the notion that you have to do it yourself ("God won't do it for you."). In other words, he/she is saying, "You have to rely on yourself to see you through" which we know to be wrong. The question then becomes: Will you trust in Him, or will you try to rely on yourself? Remember, without Him, we can do nothing. Nothing means nothing. We wouldn't even be breathing right now without Him.

God is in control of all things - all means all: even your school matters. If God wants you to be a Dr., then God will see to it that you become a Dr. Does this mean that we sit back in our chariot and demean God to the position of our pull-horse? No. We are yoked with Him. As He gives us the strength and ability, we do what we can and know to be right; we keep the faith; we fight the good fight; etc. We don't just sit back and enjoy the ride. That is a common falsehood I'm beginning to see in those around me. People think either (1) Man has free will, so man has to "pull his own weight," or (2) God is in control of everything, so man just sits back on his chariot and lowers God (in his mind) to man's pull-horse.

If I got the wrong impression, I humbly ask your forgiveness, but that is how I interpreted your post. You are wrestling with the notion (at its heart) of God's Sovereignty (and maybe a dash of free will too). "Will God see me through this? Is God able to reconcile this? Or do I have to do it myself?"

God will see you through this, and you will be what He wants you to be. He will also give you the strength and ability to do what you can. Remember, we are His workmanship. We also don't want to fall prey to the complacent/lukewarm/lazy attitude either.

I'm not saying any of this from a position of a high horse or anything. I hope this has been able to give you encouragement in your present predicament.

In His Love,
John

[Deborah-Leigh]

Don't be so down on yourself Alex ~

I am sure God  has a wonderful path and plan for your life.

God lives in you.  "I am with you always, even unto the end of time" are not just pretty words. They are Truth.

Arc

[judith collier]

Alex, the only thing that concerns me is this, "inability to study" The rest can be worked out somehow. What is your pre-occupation?
love, judy

[lilitalienboi16]

Hi Alex,

This is just my overall impression after reading your post. It appears that a trap has been laid before you. Your friend is presenting you with the notion that you have to do it yourself ("God won't do it for you."). In other words, he/she is saying, "You have to rely on yourself to see you through" which we know to be wrong. The question then becomes: Will you trust in Him, or will you try to rely on yourself? Remember, without Him, we can do nothing. Nothing means nothing. We wouldn't even be breathing right now without Him.

God is in control of all things - all means all: even your school matters. If God wants you to be a Dr., then God will see to it that you become a Dr. Does this mean that we sit back in our chariot and demean God to the position of our pull-horse? No. We are yoked with Him. As He gives us the strength and ability, we do what we can and know to be right; we keep the faith; we fight the good fight; etc. We don't just sit back and enjoy the ride. That is a common falsehood I'm beginning to see in those around me. People think either (1) Man has free will, so man has to "pull his own weight," or (2) God is in control of everything, so man just sits back on his chariot and lowers God (in his mind) to man's pull-horse.

If I got the wrong impression, I humbly ask your forgiveness, but that is how I interpreted your post. You are wrestling with the notion (at its heart) of God's Sovereignty (and maybe a dash of free will too). "Will God see me through this? Is God able to reconcile this? Or do I have to do it myself?"

God will see you through this, and you will be what He wants you to be. He will also give you the strength and ability to do what you can. Remember, we are His workmanship. We also don't want to fall prey to the complacent/lukewarm/lazy attitude either.

I'm not saying any of this from a position of a high horse or anything. I hope this has been able to give you encouragement in your present predicament.

In His Love,
John

John you weren't far off at all. Thank you for your post. I do struggle with the notion itself, but not because I don't KNOW he's fully in control, I just can't tell if I'm using this truth to be lazy and not work at this myself or if working at this myself becomes me leaning on my own strengths and "free will."

I've always fully trusted God but sometimes, when someone throws the "its up to YOU not God" to get to med school, sometimes.. just sometimes.. it makes me wonder if really I am so far off and that I'm using his sovereignty as a reason to be lazy or wether I am even being lazy in the first place. I Just can't tell. Heh.

Thank you though,

Alex

[lilitalienboi16]

There is a big difference in wanting something and getting the job done.

I want to be good looking. 

I want to be a billionaire.   

Are you sure you really, really want to be a doctor?

Yes sir, a pediatrician to be specific.

[lilitalienboi16]

Alex, the only thing that concerns me is this, "inability to study" The rest can be worked out somehow. What is your pre-occupation?
love, judy

I don't have a "pre-occupation," except being a student. My issue is i'm so EASILY distracted and I have a hard time finding the motivation to study and or study for long periods of time, which is often required for the matarial i'm required to know.

My mind wonders easily, I have a hard time staring at a page of words without having my mind wonder all over or completely leaving the page and doing something else.

Ill find any reason to do anything but study, whether its playing video games for hours, watching t.v., playing guitar, just talking with someone online etc..

I don't do it on purpose either and that's what drives me nuts, i can't find the motivation or the ability to do the studying i'm required to.

Its wierd because with a video game infront of me, i can sit there for hours and not lose concetration etc.. but when it comes to words on a page i can so easily lose focus and wander to something else. I also like to study with music on, which usually helps me relax and calm my mind but my dad says its a bad idea..

I don't know >.>

I would throw my computer out the window if I had the strength to, and If I had some friends that I could socialize with in person but almost all my friends are online. I don't reallly have any friends i can hang out with in person and socialize with, so if i did throw my computer out the window, i'd lose just about all human contact for socializing with the exception of maybe one or two people that i don't see often and my brothers and family, but I think we all need more then that.

[arion]

God often speaks through circumstances.  If your going to be a doctor as you well know your going to have to be able to study and concentrate.  If you can't then maybe there is a message in there for you.  God can get you into medical school if he wants you to be in there.  It's not a problem for him.  No use in getting down on yourself.  God has a plan for you but it might not be as a doctor.  Nothing wrong with being a paramedic or myriads of other things in the medical field which doesn't require the grueling pace of study that a M.D. does.  One thing I know is that God will get you where you need to be when you need to be there even if in the midst of it the way is dark as night.

[Craig]

For a young man in your shoes I would recommend looking into the Air Force.  I was like you and could not focus in school, I grew up became more goal oriented and finished my degree in the Air Force, I went from being a C student in college to an A-B student.

I would not recommend the other branches though, too military for me.

Craig

[lilitalienboi16]

Don't be so down on yourself Alex ~

I am sure God  has a wonderful path and plan for your life.

God lives in you.  "I am with you always, even unto the end of time" are not just pretty words. They are Truth.

Arc

Thank you arc, i'm trying not to. :/

[lilitalienboi16]

For a young man in your shoes I would recommend looking into the Air Force.  I was like you and could not focus in school, I grew up became more goal oriented and finished my degree in the Air Force, I went from being a C student in college to an A-B student.

I would not recommend the other branches though, too military for me.

Craig

Thanks craig but I really dread joining any part of the armed services. I don't really like the idea of being owned by the government for so many years, not something I would look forward to.

[Heidi]

Oh what to do.....what to do.....Reading your post made me smile, not in a condescending way....I could literally see all the words flow out of your mouth like a energizer bunny.  Take a breath, let go and let God.  How you may ask?  Take all these thoughts captive, submit it to God and pray for a renewal of your mind so that you can hear Him speak into your life. 

Heidi

[cjwood]

you want to be a pediatrician.  so, for motivation, maybe put pics of kiddos on a wall in your room.  children have a way of motivating.  i know they do with me.  when you find yourself wandering off track from studying, look at the pictures of the children.  caring for their physical health needs has been a desire of your heart for a while now.  perhaps the children will inspire you towards that end.  just a thought.  

i will keep you in my prayers.
claudia

[Stacey]

I recently told a friend that God would see me through it, and she told me, God's not gonna do it for you, you have to do it yourself. I told her i'm trying... but what she said makes me feel like maybe she is right.. maybe its up to me and God isn't gonna drag me through it, God isn't gonna just magically get me there, God isn't gonna DO THIS for me. But then that goes against everything I believe.. isn't he in control?

But then again, Is thinking hes fully in control just an excuse for me not to try? Am I using the idea that God is fully in control as a reason to just be lazy? Am i being lazy? What is wrong with me? Heh.............. >.>

Hi Alex, when I read the your questions above in bold, these verses came to mind.



Phi 2:13

(KJV)  For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.


(BBE)  For it is God who is the cause of your desires and of your acts, for his good pleasure.


Phi 4:13

(KJV) I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.


The "I can do" part of that verse should not be taken lightly. It doesn't tell us we can do "all things" as in, take off flying like Super Man, no, it tells us that what we are able to do is done through Christ and most importantly to answer your questions above, "we" are going to "do" the "doing" or a better word for that might be "the act" of what ever it is we are accomplishing in our daily lives.

Phi. 4:8

(CEV)  Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don't ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise.

I don't know if the CEV gives a good interpretation of Phi 4:8 or not but, I sure like the words it uses regardless of that. In a nut shell, IF we are thinking on these things, in your case, to be a Pediatrician, then the distractions (TV,video games and the like) don't or will not stand a chance to interfere with our goals. I know that is easier said than done but that's the reality of it. We do have to make the choice to do the right thing or not to.

I sincerely hope for you that God gives you the strength to overcome the distractions, stay focused like a laser on task and reach your goal.

[Dennis Vogel]

I'm curious, why do you want to be a doctor? Is it to please someone other than yourself? Is it for the money (nothing wrong with that)? Is it for the title "Dr."?

The fact that you tried very hard and you did not do well tells me you either do not have the talent for it or do not have a burning desire to be a doctor, or if you do have a strong desire, that desire could be coming from the wrong place for wrong reasons.

Over the years I've worked with various engineers. But most of them should not have been engineers. They simply do not have the talent for it. They were/are not mechanically inclined. They went to school, learned how to do the calculations, graduated, got jobs, and spent a lifetime doing something that was just a job, and not doing it very well.

One of my best friends is the best engineer I know (or he knows) and he never had any engineering schooling. He has to constantly clean up after engineers with degrees. He has a God given talent for engineering built into his brain.

I believe in aptitude tests. They will tell you what talents you may want to develop. A good test will tell you about your people skills, mechanical abilities, artistic talent, and so on.

You don't have to do what the test says you would be best at. It just gives you an idea where your talents lay.

Back in the 1970's when I was living in the Detroit area, I worked very hard, built up a good business and was making a very good living. Then through circumstances (mostly the oil embargo) I lost just about everything.

At the time it was the worst thing that happened in my 30 years of life. But now, in hindsight it was one of the best things that ever happened. It got me out of Detroit, I moved to Mobile where I met Ray Smith, etc.

Not getting into your school could be a real blessing in disguise. You may end up doing something you're good at and you really love to do.

I'm just suggesting you may want to re-evaluate what it is you want to do. That's all.

[grapehound]

Well said Dennis.

My advice?

Success and failure are relative; they are a state of mind; an attitude if you will.
There are no absolute successes or absolute failures.
----------------------------------

There is a British comedy series that was aired a couple of years ago called, "That Mitchell and Webb Look" (recommended!).  In one of their sketches, Mitchell and Webb were playing Nazi SS officers in the midst of battle.
The dialogue went something like this:

" Otto, why are we here?  I mean, what's this all about? All this shooting and stuff?"

" Hans my friend, it doesn't matter WHY we're here; we have orders and a job to do."

" But why are we dressed in black? And have you noticed that we have Skull and Bones on our hats? That's not very nice is it?  What's all that about? We're going to frighten people walking about with these things on our heads."

"Hans; we are supposed to be frightening.  It's all designed to frighten people. This is war."

"WAR? But whose side are we on?  Those chaps we're firing at don't look half as frightening as us."
Hans looks down again at his uniform and suddenly has a gross realisation.

"Otto? Are we the 'bad' guys?"

Otto looks blankly at Hans and gently nods.

"Oh my God! This is awful !  I'm going home."

------------------------------------------

As funny as that may sound, nobody will go to war believing they are wrong.
Axis troops were praying to God, just as the Allies were.
I'm not justifying the madness of genocide and war here; I'm drawing a parallel.


In the 'latter days' scenarios of scripture, all types of malevolent and insidious men are numbered as well as those that are peaceable and benign.
Neither camp believes they are wrong.

What has this got to do with your circumstances?

Well, negatively, someone has to be the 'bad' guy.  God predicts it.

Now lets transfer this value judgement to commerce and industry.

Let's take a look at success and failure.

SUCCESS is good, right? ; and FAILURE is bad, yeah?
SUCCESS is RIGHT ?  FAILURE is WRONG ?
What if you succeed in doing wrong?  Or fail to do right?

The whole notion of  success and failure is a cultural abstract.

I totally recognise were your head is.  You sound like me.
The trick is not to see it as success or failure.

I'm halfway through my first major screenplay.  It's been three years so far; because of distractions.  It took me a full year just to outline, another year to storyline and this last year is actually becoming a script.  Looking back, I could have done all this in six months; so why didn't I ?  Attitude.

Attitude to what you are following or are engaged in is the single most important ingredient of concluding a matter to your satisfaction.

concluding a matter to your satisfaction.


Success and failure don't come into it.  It's about how satisfied YOU are with what you're doing.

My father told me that there is no such thing as a lazy man.
Men are either motivated to do something or they are not.
It's entirely a question of MOTIVATION.

" Dad, how the hell do you get a man out of bed if he refuses to be motivated to get up?"
His answer?
"Set fire to the bed. That's enough motivation for anyone, I don't care how lazy he is."

------------------------------------------------------------------

The question I had to ask myself about being a budding 'Hollywooder' was:
Did I believe it?

It seems you have a very distinct goal in your head, not just a doctor, but a specialist.

Henry Thoreau once stated:
" If you can head confidently in the direction of your dreams and live the kind of life you have imagined, you will come across a success undreamt of in common hours."

The most important word in that entire statement?
IF.

IF you can.
Can you head CONFIDENTLY in the direction of your dreams?
Would you like to be able to?
Let me tell you what's missing here.

A COMPELLING FUTURE.

The guy in the flaming bed already has a compelling future; PAIN.
He sees the approaching consequence of his lethargy and bingo!
He immediately chooses the PLEASURE of not being fried to a crisp.

You need to start using your imagination to build a compelling future.
Whatever 'floats your boat'.

Do you see yourself making over $200,000 a year?
What would it be like?
What kind of a car will you drive?
What kind of a home will you own?
What kind of clothes, food, friends, partner and lifestyle will you have?
What kind of challenges might you face?
What if it all goes belly up?
What would that mean?

Now you've probably seen all this kind of methodology before, in some form or another.
But it's about concluding a matter to your satisfaction.
No one else's.

Ask yourself. Why do you believe what you believe about you?

The Reticular Activating System (check it out on wiki) is that function of your brain that governs attention. That which you say you lack.

"Ye lack nothing"

EMOTION plays a big role here and that is what is causing your attention to wonder away from that which you say is important.  Maybe without realising it, you are investing your emotions into things that you say are contrary to you real desires.


When I first read your piece on BTF, I was reminded of a time when a lady friend  asked me to fetch the salt from her kitchen cupboard. I walked into a huge kitchen that was completely unknown to me.  I checked every single shelf, over and over.  I began an internal mantra that ran: " I dunno where the salt is. Where's the salt? I can't find the salt. It's not here. It can't be here. I cant see it. I cant see it, I cant find the salt, I cant find the salt, I cant find the salt."
She's calling for the salt now and I don't want to look stupid. I'm getting angry with myself. My emotions are sizzling and suddenly I burst.

" I CAN'T FIND THE    #*&^%& !! SALT !!!"

She walks quietly into the kitchen, looks in disbelief at me and takes the salt from the shelf that was directly in front of me; at eye level!
Why didn't I see the salt?
Because I had been telling myself, with great emotional intensity, that I COULDN'T FIND THE SALT !

So my R.A.S. did exactly as I told it and refused to see the salt.

This mechanism also works in reverse!
Every buy a yellow car because it was unusual?
All of a sudden, you're seeing yellow cars everywhere!
Did everyone go get a re-spray just to 'tick you off'?

NOOOOOO!

They were always there, but you just didn't notice because there was nothing in your radar to pick 'em up.

This is an attention mechanism that is fueled by emotion.
And THAT is what you must harness to Med studies, if being a Doc is what you truly want. 
But forget the success and failure crap; it isn't serving you.

And stop asking the question, "What's wrong with me?", because your own ego will take great delight in giving you a list which will swim around your head, creating your 'reality' of just how wrong you are.

Find what makes you  happy, what 'juices' you and follow it with high emotional intensity; give it passion.  But DO use and rely on imagination.
The world we live in was built by it.

You are made in His image.  His imagination is your reality.  You are like Him.
Every thought you have will be a cause that has an effect.  Every thought. Make it captive. Make it serve your happiness; your joy. That's His will for you. Be Happy.

I understand that this may be a lot to take in and you may be hearing these things for the first time.  Its impossible to cram a dissertation into a single mail, but if you've caught something in these few lines that has piqued your desire, please be in touch on the PM line.



Muchest Luv

Grape x

PS. Lyric from Daddy

http://youtu.be/0put0_a--Ng

[Kat]

Hi Alex,

Maybe you are focus so intently on the direction that you think you want to go, that you are not even opening your mind to what God is trying to show you. So times I think that we are yelling so loud what we want to do that we just can't hear that small still voice inside. Yes it is about attitude, seeking His will or ours. I would think He is the main one that you should seek the will of and to please, after all He knows where all things end up. Maybe He is closing doors that you want to go through and you just need to turn around and see the doors that He is opening. Yes I think we can go against what He is opening up for us to do, but wouldn't we be totally miserable, like Jonah. I'm just saying maybe you should open your mind to other possibilities.

Kat

[Dennis Vogel]

On the other hand I'm reminded of some politicians who failed several times to get elected to a local office, but eventually went on to be president of the U.S.

[lilitalienboi16]

I recently told a friend that God would see me through it, and she told me, God's not gonna do it for you, you have to do it yourself. I told her i'm trying... but what she said makes me feel like maybe she is right.. maybe its up to me and God isn't gonna drag me through it, God isn't gonna just magically get me there, God isn't gonna DO THIS for me. But then that goes against everything I believe.. isn't he in control?

But then again, Is thinking hes fully in control just an excuse for me not to try? Am I using the idea that God is fully in control as a reason to just be lazy? Am i being lazy? What is wrong with me? Heh.............. >.>

Hi Alex, when I read the your questions above in bold, these verses came to mind.



Phi 2:13

(KJV)  For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.


(BBE)  For it is God who is the cause of your desires and of your acts, for his good pleasure.


Phi 4:13

(KJV) I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.


The "I can do" part of that verse should not be taken lightly. It doesn't tell us we can do "all things" as in, take off flying like Super Man, no, it tells us that what we are able to do is done through Christ and most importantly to answer your questions above, "we" are going to "do" the "doing" or a better word for that might be "the act" of what ever it is we are accomplishing in our daily lives.

Phi. 4:8

(CEV)  Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don't ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise.

I don't know if the CEV gives a good interpretation of Phi 4:8 or not but, I sure like the words it uses regardless of that. In a nut shell, IF we are thinking on these things, in your case, to be a Pediatrician, then the distractions (TV,video games and the like) don't or will not stand a chance to interfere with our goals. I know that is easier said than done but that's the reality of it. We do have to make the choice to do the right thing or not to.

I sincerely hope for you that God gives you the strength to overcome the distractions, stay focused like a laser on task and reach your goal.

Thank you Stacey.

[lilitalienboi16]

I'm curious, why do you want to be a doctor? Is it to please someone other than yourself? Is it for the money (nothing wrong with that)? Is it for the title "Dr."?

The fact that you tried very hard and you did not do well tells me you either do not have the talent for it or do not have a burning desire to be a doctor, or if you do have a strong desire, that desire could be coming from the wrong place for wrong reasons.

Over the years I've worked with various engineers. But most of them should not have been engineers. They simply do not have the talent for it. They were/are not mechanically inclined. They went to school, learned how to do the calculations, graduated, got jobs, and spent a lifetime doing something that was just a job, and not doing it very well.

One of my best friends is the best engineer I know (or he knows) and he never had any engineering schooling. He has to constantly clean up after engineers with degrees. He has a God given talent for engineering built into his brain.

I believe in aptitude tests. They will tell you what talents you may want to develop. A good test will tell you about your people skills, mechanical abilities, artistic talent, and so on.

You don't have to do what the test says you would be best at. It just gives you an idea where your talents lay.

Back in the 1970's when I was living in the Detroit area, I worked very hard, built up a good business and was making a very good living. Then through circumstances (mostly the oil embargo) I lost just about everything.

At the time it was the worst thing that happened in my 30 years of life. But now, in hindsight it was one of the best things that ever happened. It got me out of Detroit, I moved to Mobile where I met Ray Smith, etc.

Not getting into your school could be a real blessing in disguise. You may end up doing something you're good at and you really love to do.

I'm just suggesting you may want to re-evaluate what it is you want to do. That's all.

Well I don't know where my life is going so I can't look back and see what is the best thing in my life to have happened to me and what is the worst, like you can.

I also don't know what else I would do with my life as I'm not very good at anything to be honest. I'm pretty average when it comes to just about anything you can think of, I really don't know what I do well.

As for wanting to be a dr, it was something I decided at the age of I'd say 19 or 20. My dad is a DR. so of course there is some pressure there, but I don't want to say its the reason I wanted to do it. Of course his influence in my life was part of a cause or reason to drive me in this direction but truly in the end I think it came from within to want to do this. I desperately wanted to be able to help people, to reach out to people and show them Gods love, I also felt that there was no better place to do this then within a hospital. Another reason was just to be able to literally and physically save them from death. These desires still exist, but it's like when you lose over and over again, and you get beat down so bad.. you just kind of think your not worthy enough to do that or you just give up sort of, if that makes any sense. And maybe I'm not meant to do that, it was just a desire that really drove me in this direction and as I said, those desires are still there, its just that i feel like everything is just out of reach as far as that's concerned.

And maybe you're right, in fact you're probably right that I'm just not cut out to do that kind of thing with my life. Or maybe im feeling sorry for myself, I can't figure out which one it is at this moment, lol. But to be honest I Have no clue which direction to go in my life from here if this isn't the path for me, which i'm willing to accept with the recent things i've experienced that it might very well not be. I suppose only God knows, I just wish He would come and tell me which way to go from here. Do I continue forward? Do I search else where? Do I just simply stop here and wait for Him?

Im trying to put a lot of thought and effort into this responce so i can really get across what I'm thinking and feeling inside. But yea.. i've never really like thought of anything else I could do with my life and honestly I don't think I have really any specific talents that would allow me to fit nicely into some field.