Huh? (smile)

[onelovedread]

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss  USA contest.


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of  Kentucky basketball forward.



"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery



"Outside of the killings,  Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry,  Washington,  DC


"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in  Texas     .


"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President


"I love  California. I practically grew up in  Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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[Rhys 🕊]

Apart from the mess in my room New Zealand is one of the most cleanest countries in the world 
--Rhys not a Miss USA Contestant from the deck of his Super Yacht on 21 Sept 2013 

It's good to have a post where use of smileys is encouraged 

[cjwood]

reading through the statements in jclove's thread, it is confirmed in my mind again that many, many times silence is golden...

claudia

[Rene]

I wonder who is keeping track of all of my stupid comments?

René

[onelovedread]

Justice Alaric Brown presiding in Divorce Court 1, in Detroit Metro:

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.' 
______________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' 
______________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' 
______________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!' 
______________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care. 
______________________________
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' 
______________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, guess she's there.'   

[Duane]

"I am NOT prejudiced--I HATE everybody equally!"  --Mark Twain

"Birds of a flock--feather together"--Duane Gevert

[loretta]

Understanding the Signs

Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.

Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors.  One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus."

Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by.  "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," Dave said.  Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men."

"Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."

www.cybersalt.org

[cjwood]

hysterical loretta!  i could actually picture your husband going through the "bronco" door and relieving himself before realizing the room was full of people.   

claudia

[se7en]

Loretta, Hahahaha awesome

[onelovedread]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/21/autocorrect-fails_n_4138758.html?ref=topbar

Smart phones are so #a@(& DUMB!