What got me here, Part 6

[hillsbororiver]

The Next Day (Mourning and Repentance)

I did not get much if any sleep and the Doctor was absolutely right my body felt like somebody took a sledgehammer to it, breathing through my mouth or even talking had also become incredibly painful as the nerves (pulp) of my teeth were exposed and any air passing by them would send a wave of pain through me.
My mind and spirit were even in more of a hurt than the rest of me was, the shame & guilt I felt coupled with the refreshed memory of how Roberta's death came to pass was making me wish once again that I was dead, out of this mess of an existence called life. I did what I had gotten in the habit of doing when I got myself in a mess, I got on my knees (ouch) and prayed. This time I did not preface it with "if you really exist."

My prayer was certainly coming from a humbled and broken spirit but it went something like this;

Dear God,

I really messed up big once again, thank you for keeping Alvin and me alive, especially Alvin. I am unworthy of any love or consideration from you or anyone else, You gave me an opportunity to get right with You by introducing me to Richard and the bible study group that preceded me joining your one true church, then I go and almost kill the son of one of Your Pastors and even fail to make anyone aware of the possibility that he may be lying in or at the side of the road needing medical attention, I was and am a fearful coward who put my wretched self before the possible needs of my friend.

Please Lord heal this pain I caused, bless everyone who helped me, bless Alvin and his family and once again I ask you to bless Roberta's family, give them some measure of peace.

I promise that I will become a member in good standing of Your church, I will not drink or use drugs anymore and will be an honest and faithful servant from this point forward.

Thank You for hearing my prayer.

We will see.

Recovery? Reconciliation?

My Dentist took one look at me and said he could not do the work that needed to be done, he knew of a specialist downtown who had the training and skills that were required, he told his assistant to call Dr. Grassi to see if he could take an emergency multiple root canal case. When the assistant got back I was told to "head right over."

As I was sitting in the Dentist chair being prepped by the Dental Assistant a young (compared to my Dentist) super energetic guy bounds into the room and says "Let's see what we got here, I heard you were a real mess!" He takes a look and yells out to his brother (also a Dentist using the same suite of offices) "Hey, come over here and get a look at this, I bet you haven't seen one like this before!" His brother was soon in the room and they were both laughing, telling me, "you sure made a mess of yourself, but you've come to the right place. We will fix you up better than new." I did not much care for either of them at that point.

At 6:00 PM I finally got to leave (I arrived at 10 A.M.) they had done the first stage of my 5 root canals and I was a hurting lump of flesh, they also gave me some Percodan for the pain and I ate a couple on my way to the bus stop, my parents had told me to call them for a ride when I was done but I wasn't really in the mood for any conversation on the ride home.

Good Intentions go Awry

That week and the weeks following I had Dentist and Doctor appointments one after the other, I was receiving heat and ultra sound treatments for my (sprained) back more Percodan prescribed by both the Dentist and Doctor, I was getting used to their numbing effect, not only for dulling my physical pain but for dulling the pain in my head.

One day as I went home from picking up a prescription I ran into our neighbor *Vinny, he was a transplanted New York City guy who was a professional drummer, he had played with Slide Hampton in New York, taught at the Julliard School of Music and had moved up to Rochester to accept a position with the Eastman School of Music and with Chuck Mangione's Orchestra, he was getting a laugh from my trials and tribulations and remarked that at least I was getting good painkillers out of it, I told him as a matter of fact I just got a new batch of Percodan even though I had half a bottle of them still up in my room. His eyes lit up and his look changed to dead serious, "can you spare me a couple man?" I didn't give it a second thought, I opened the bottle and gave him a few. Just then the chubby kid who spent a lot of time at Vinny's was being dropped off at his house, he was about 3 or 4 years younger than me, I knew **Barry as a bit of an uncoordinated puffy kid, I tried to show him how to throw a football like a man when I saw him throwing the ball around in the street with Vinny's oldest son.

Barry never mentioned it to me but it turned out he was a piano virtuoso, had been a prodigy since about 7 or 8 and had even done arrangements for Mangione, Chick Corea and some other musicians, he also did some solos on a few albums including Buddy Rich's band. You would have never known he was any special talent by his physical appearance, he was 15 or 16 at that time.

My Church

I went to church the Saturday following the accident and my welcome was less than enthusiastic, my friends from the bible study had started attending the 3rd Adventist church in the area but I still felt a bit ashamed in approaching them. I tried to make the best of it and vowed to return and work myself back into their good graces.

The next Saturday I went and this time Dawn was with me, her family was not seen in the most positive light as her parents had divorced and her mother had not responded well to some of the advice the church elders had presumed to give her, she had stopped going to any Adventist church but kept her daughter in their schools preferring them to public schools. My reception this time was bit more energetic, I could not help but notice that more than a few of these "elders" were lining up for some extended hugs from Dawn, it started making me uncomfortable and Dawn saw it in my eyes, she gave a shrugging "what am I to do?" kind of look. I was seeing some of these guys with a different set of eyes the rest of the service, at the end when the boys were assembling for a second hug I just took her hand and proceeded to the door, not staying for the pot lock dinner as was my custom. Dawn then started telling me about some of the more insidious things that had happened in her years in the church, nothing really overt but it wasn't what I would have expected from the "one true church." When I asked her why she did not tell me these things before she said "I did not want to be the one who burst your bubble when you were so into all of this." But how about when I was floundering around before the accident? Her reply was "I knew at some point you would be going back, besides I think it is the true church too!"

The huggy incident faded in my mind, I justified it feeling like I over reacted, expecting too much from some while I wanted them to forget I almost killed an Adventist Pastor's son. Alvin was getting a bit of static from his church as well, word got out he was hanging around with some crazy white boy and he was hearing some presumably well intentioned church members warn him about messing around with others who are not "his kind." We had not been in touch for about a month or so but he said the more negative stuff he heard the more resolved he was to get together again.

Fallen Once Again

It was useless I did not belong with these good people, they had every right to reject me, I was a weak drug and alcohol abuser and I couldn't keep my promise to God. I had gone to church once again, Dawn elected to stay home and this time some of the murmuring about me was audible enough for me to just chuck it in, I am not going anyplace with these folks, I don't belong here, we all know that.

Dawn's mother was noticeably colder toward me (could you blame her?) I did not know this at the time but she had rethought her position on having Dawn attend a local college, Rochester was full of excellent colleges and she would save money on Dormitories and all that if Dawn remained local, well with me in the picture the added cost of getting her away from here was starting to look like a bargain.

Alvin called and made arrangements to hang out with me and a few of my friends, we all got toasted once again, had a blast and promised to all get together soon. It became a regular thing, we would watch a game on TV or listen to music at one of my friends places, get loaded, call it a night. It was around Thanksgiving ('73) when Alvin took off from one of our parties and promptly totaled his car exiting the highway, it was pretty serious, two broken legs, a broken arm and a few teeth lost, he also suffered a concussion.

Once it was learned that Alvin had been out with "that crazy white boy" just before his wreck my name was now totally in the toilet as far as the church was concerned, his dad told him he was going to attend University in Illinois and stay with his uncle, away from all these evil influences.

At least I was able to help those two get a better education, indirectly but there was no doubt an extra motivation to get them in a more conducive environment to education, even survival.

End of the Adventists

I stopped going to church totally after Alvin's wreck, I was close to that decision before but after that happened there would be no way for me to deal with those folks, they were already distancing themselves I knew this would be the total separation although I still believed (and did for another 20 or so years) that they were the "one true church."

Also, I could not bear to see Richard, I knew I had caused him and the others embarrassment because they brought me into the church, I thought with me gone the taint (of me) would eventually dissipate (from them).

Off into the World (Part 7)


     Alvin went to an Adventist college and then Seminary school, did some missionary work in Africa and is now (latest info 1999) a Pastor at an Adventist college in Massachusetts

  * Vinny died of a heroin overdose 5 years later (1978) at age 36

** Barry died of a heroin overdose on Buddy Rich's tour bus 5 years after Vinny's death 

[rrammfcitktturjsp]

Joe,

  It is heartrending to read through your story, the pain and all that you went through.  I thank God, that I know where you are now, becuase it makes reading these parts bearable, also the more inspiring.  Keep posting.

  Thanks so much for sharing.

  Sincerely,




  Anne C. McGuire

[hebrewroots98]

Dear Joe,
You have seen a lot of death and expeienced horrible suffering.  I am just thankful that God has shown you HIS hope and truth and love and forgiveness through it all.  It saddens me to know that there are others out there whom have experienced similar things and they don't have God, hope, faith, truth or forgiveness right yet; to me that is HELL  on earth.   You/we are so belssed!  Keep up your good work!  We are family here, no judging here.   I for one am very proud of you...we have only respect and love for you brother!  

[hebrewroots98]

PS-  those were some great bands that your friends were in.  I hadn't heard of them in a long time...great music!  The Chuck Mangione instrumentals were great!  Too sad of your friends though .  Though all will be worked out for HIS glory!  I wonder if there is music in Heaven???

[rrammfcitktturjsp]

Susan,

  Hee hee hee,  Of course there will be music in heaven, I will be there.   

  Sincerely,




  Anne C. McGuire

[jennie]

Joe, what heartache you have gone through. I admire you for sharing. That is a very hard thing to do. Love, Jennie

[hillsbororiver]

Hi Jennie,

Thank you Sister, I have been blessed by so many of your posts, you have been through so much and yet you still displayed His Spirit within.

His Peace and Wisdom to you,

Joe