I need your prayers......

[mari_et_pere]

Hi everyone. I haven't been posting for awhile, but I've been around. Good to see that you're all doing good!

Myself however, I'm a bit distraught as of late. A short story to lead me into it:

Last summer I had a good paying job and me and my wife were living in a nice house. She started a little online "romance" type thing, was lying about it and all. Well things boiled over and I was so stressed out! I ended up losing my job, partly be accident and partly because I just didn't care. Losing my job meant no income so we packed it up and moved to a really, really crummy house. No, I mean almost un-liveable dwelling folks.
Things between me and my wife turned magical again however, so that was good, and I went to the job that I had had before I'd gotten the better paying job I mentioned, which lifted my spirits seeing my old friends and co-workers again.
Well early this year my father-in-law left my wife's mom, which devestated the whole family. My mother-in-law didn't have a snowball's chance of making it financially, and the house we were in should be condemned honestly, so we moved in with my mother-in-law to help her keep her house, car, etc.

Now to the issue at hand. She's quite.....overbearing......selfish......rude.......I'm not insulting or being mean, just telling you how it is, as friends. Now we're all struggling financially, big time. Examples would be my car is falling apart literally, but it's paid off and I'm thankful for it. My wife has a nice Jimmy for her and the kids, all paid off. My mother-in-law? Pays over 200 a month for car payment not including insurance! I haven't had a hair cut since July, which is okay becuase I'm thinking about growing it back out, BUT my mother-in-law? She routinely gets her hair and nails done. Me and my wife, my goodness we need a night out so bad, but money's tight. My mother-in-law goes out with her boyfriend constantly, even going as far as to spend money on HIS groceries, and of course "needs" to buy new outfits to wear. Me and my wife need clothes so bad it's pathetic.
Point is this: I'm shelling out lot's of money and doing without things and working very hard to help, but it feels a bit one-sided. Then when bills come in, WE get yelled at. I'm not a kid nor naive. In fact I took accounting in high school and college. I know how money works.

Another point would be the housework. My poor wife, college student, mother of three, with a full time job, is expected to do it ALL. What? It's not even her house! She's so stressed. Of course I help, but the point being is that we don't get much help. A little if her mom is expecting company, but that's just about the only time she gets up to help.

So the main point is: WHAT DO I DO? I want to leave! To leave, I'd have to stop paying bills and save since our savings is gone. All of it. Either that or I'd have to wait until next year's tax return. One the other hand, I felt good about coming over here to help, almost like a good samaritan or something. But now, sheesh I just want out!

So I ask for your prayers because I've been feeling pretty weak as of late. A bit worn down, a bit depressed, which isn't a good spot for me considering my past with depression. My poor wife too, she's feeling at least as bad. We've got each other to lean on but we're in it together so we're both pretty worn down and tired; very burnt out.

LOVE YOU GUYS!

Matt

p.s. Sorry for ramling! 

[Deborah-Leigh]

Hello Matt

Sounds like you need a smaller home. If you are not out the shared home arrangement by now, then some rules for all of the adults living under the same roof could be : You mess up you clean up. You cook up and eat up then you help clean up and pay up.

Consequences of breaking the rules results in separate, relocation which might just be what you all need in order to release the strain. Your wife will have to back you on this and you will need to stand together to stay together.

You are accountable to your wife and children. Keep your job.You have no control over what others do or do not do with their lives. Your obligations are to your wife and children.

It is easier to talk than to actually walk the walk I know but rules have to be decided so that boundaries can be established and unrealistic expectations or false assumptions can aired and cleared. It is NOT easy.

Hope these simple guide lines help you.

You have my prayers for His Mercy and Grace to help you all in this time of need.

Peace to you

Arcturus

[Kat]

Hi Matt,

You will be in my prayers.  I hope you can find some resolution to this difficult situation soon.

mercy, peace and love
Kat

[Beloved]

Hello Matt

Yes you have a major issue to deal with. I suggest you call a house meeting. It sounds like you are going to have take your leadership role as the male in the family and your wife must stand with you especially since this problem is her own mother. You will need prayer time before the meeting and be sure to ask for guidence, patience and love.

I agree with Arcturus you need house rules and most importantly a house budget. I do not agree with mess us clean up. I lived in this type of situation many times in my life. Every one always thinks it someone elses mess. Make a duty roster for the common area. Be sure to include little jobs for the kids. I loved waxing the furniture and wiping down the counters when I was a kid.

Remember your mother in law may think that she is contributing the house but if you are paying the payments and the utilities then you are helping her hold on to the equity. If the house is paid for then it is different.  You need to show who is contributing what. Be fair but firm that this present living situation is not not working out for your family.

The major problem is that she might not agree to any of this, you will need to stand on your plan. It also sound like helping her with the house and utitiies and food is one thing but paying for her car is not a necessity or your responsibility. Many of us have had to sell our cars that we could not afford during the tough times. If she doesn't work then why is she not helping with the house work?  Why is she spending money on a boyfriend instead of him helping her out? Why does she even need a car if she has this boyfirend?   

All monies could be pooled and devided each month after payments are made. Also look at anyway you can cut more expenses.Can you eliminate some extra like cable if your internet is not on it. Do you qualify for the food bank or other social services?  Take advantage of any help that is out there.

I also suggest that one person each month get a small treat (haircut, nails or toy or clothing. You could compromise and count the 3 children as one so this gift rotates every 4 moths. Anyone . Set a spending limit on this item in the budget. Your mother in law can do her own nails or your wife can help her and visa versa.    It sound like right now you need a bowl and a pair of scizzors for your wife.

Be sure to constantly encourage and thank each person when thier jobs have been completed. people always need to feel appreciated.


Beloved

[dessa]

Hi Matt,
From my experience this probably will get worse.  We invited mom-in-law to live with us because we too felt sorry for her situation.  Since the home is legally the moms it will be difficult to make changes in who does what except with what she agrees.
I ask our Heavenly Father to give peace to all until a better solution can be worked out and that a good solution is forth coming
Shalom,
dessa.

[lilitalienboi16]

Hey matt,

First off, its really good to hear from you again! You have been silent, but now i can see why. Boy thats alot to deal with, i really can't tell you what to do, i don't even have a job, let alone married and owning a house.

The only thing i can really offer is my prayers, as you asked, and Lord willing, i shall pray for you!

Christ will see you through it my friend, keep your eye on Him, always!

With love and prayer,

Alex

[mari_et_pere]

Thanks for your replies. I think there's a bit of confusion here. My fault I'm sure!

My mom-in-law does work. Full-time. You all had fine suggestions about dividing bills and chores and what not. That was tried LOL. It didn't work out. As far as dividing what's left after paying bills, that's laughable because there isn't extra. There's a deficit. Treating one person a month isn't possible. Well it is possible, but it's always the same person and it's more than once a month. But I digress. It's pretty obvious this isn't going to work out so I suppose when my tax return comes I'll look around for a place to move to.

And Arcturus, I would never quit my job. I'm not sure why that came up LOL. But I am ready to give up on this "arrangement".

I told my wife this evening, I feel more like an employee than a helper. Oh and as far as me being the man of the house, LOL!!!!!!!!!!! That matters none. Nothing runs by me first. And no, it doesn't matter what I say. Family meeting? It would be full of vinegar and complaining from my wife's mom. Nothing constructive would come of it. Trust me, the three of us have sat around the dining room table and had conversations enough to know that. The buck gets passed me and my wife each time. Especially my poor wife.

But I digress. I know what I have to do. Leave.

Matt

[LittleBear]

Good for you Matt! I'm glad you have a plan. In the meantime, take this whole thing as a trial from God. Ask Him what He wants for you to learn in this time. His trials are always extremely difficult, but He will give you the strength to overcome this situation. I really feel for you. I was trying to imagine having to live with my parents, and just the thought was depressing. However, the way things are going in my life, that may not be an impossibility! OK, I better not think about that right now. HaHa!

Ursula

[gmik]

Wow Matt.  The last we heard you were going back to church w/ your wife and her folks.

Everyone here has good advice so I am not giving any

We miss you but totally understand.  Get thru this trial w/ all your learning from this forum and Ray's articles.  Always remember we are praying for you.

love you lots,
gena

[DuluthGA]

Hi Matt,

You definitely have my prayers for you and yours!

And I will pass on this simple saying from another dear forum friend that came in a PM discussion we were having about this n' that, i.e., life....

The suffering I do today is what I handle today.

The problems I have today, that is enough.

His pure grace unto Matt!
Happy you are still around,
Janice

[eggi]

Hi Matt,

Sorry to hear about your situation.
I'm not married, but if I do get married, I would avoid living with parents-in-laws like the plague. From what I've heard from others, it doesn't work very well. The parents can't get out of their role as parents.

I think you are making a right decision when you say that you want to move out.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. (Gen 2:24 KJV)

That pretty much excludes in-laws!

There is nothing personal about it, it's just that persons can get in the way, so to say.
I would encourage you to have patience, and to work for that goal. Stake out a new course, and make waypoints, take one step at a time. Be totally honest with your MIL, assure her that it's nothing personal.

God be with you,
Eirik

[skydreamers]

Hi Matt, thank you for posting and sharing what's been going on with you.  It's good to hear from you, even if these aren't the most peaceful times for you.  In my opinion, you are doing the right thing by planning to move out.  Your mother-in-law can sell her house and move into a smaller condo or townhouse (or maybe get a place with her boyfriend?)  Either way, methinks you and your own family need your personal space!  My prayers are with you. 

PS  I'm so glad to hear that you and your wife got your "magic" back!

Peace and much love,
Diana

[GODSown1]

Hey! Matt brother,
                       hav missed U man, WoW! man mother-n-lawZ! hmm.. lol! nah! jus kiddn I hav a great mother n law, brother I cant really add much But! know I will b Prayn 4 U brother, I think wot U want 2 do is wot GOD is sayn 4 U 2 do hmm..  gezZ! even I got lost in d@ lol!, takecare! my brother in CHRIST! U! know! wots ahead bro? , GODBLESS! & b wit U az We All know HE is..
                       muchLOVE!! Pera

ps. Oh Yes! Diana, "da MagiC!"  BLESSuP!!!