The Bible According to KIDS

[Matt]

The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

A cheerful heart is good medicine... Prov 17:22a

[gmik]

 

Hilarious!!!!

Were the Egyptians drowned in the desert or the dessert?

Love the Lots wife being a ball of fire at nite!!  Woo Hoo

[skydreamers]

Those are too cute!

Peace,
Diana

[rvhill]

at least they know their Commandments 

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

[Sue Creamer]

Matthew...

That was the best..!!!   I still have tears in my eyes.  I know for a fact kids say the funniest things..
I could probably write a book about all the things my kids have said and done through the years...guess we all could.... he he   

Thanks for the hearty belly laugh. 
Sue Ann

[musicman]

I just found out that Halloween is Satan's birthday.  It must be true.


A kid told me so.

[musicman]

Oh come on, Santa isn't Satan.  I mean you should check out some of the presents that he gave me.  I mean, man, some of them are really bad a@@.  I always used to brag about how increased in goods I was after Christmas.  I used to pray to Santa.  He gave me what ever I told my parents to ask him for (well, except for that one thing I was gonna use on school yard bully, Joe).  I mean, I couldn't lose.  Even when I was bad, I could get what I wanted as long as I was nice around the time that my parents went shopping. . .  at the. . . um . . . . fabric store.  The only problem is that Santa seems to like rich kids more.  I really hated them for it.

Now that I think of it, one day Santa stopped giving me presents.  My parents had the audacity to say that now I had to give in order to receive.  Actually, you're right.  Santa sucks!! 

[SandyFla]

So, let's see - Mary had an immaculate contraption ... I wonder how that thing works.   

Sandy

[gmik]