this is too funny not to share

[ez2u]

My nephew sent this to me too funny not to share

    > The Habenaro
    >
    >
    >
    > I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
    > course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
    > prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
    definitely
    > going to s**t yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the
    > point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that
    > if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. It
    has
    > the famous habenero peppers in it.
    >
    >
    >
    > Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
    > coffee(and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No 'Watson's
    > Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
    > intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony
    > referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a
    > time
    > of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off
    for
    > the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den..
    >
    > Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.I selected a cart and
    > began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I
    > was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
    > the pain hit me.
    >
    > Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.  I'm
    > referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit
    > us
    > at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneros
    in
    > the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
    >
    > In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
    > intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
    > could
    > take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet
    > relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood,
    > alone
    > in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the
    > likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for
    > fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
    >
    > Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
    > body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red
    > aproned
    > clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.. I don't know what
    > made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the
    > malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn
    in
    > two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure
    > some
    > of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor
    clerk,
    > but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and
    > apparently
    > indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before
    > gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving
    > his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of
    > course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.. .......BIG
    > mistake!!!!!
    >
    >
    > Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
    down',
    > if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
    > forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
    > was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
    > someone
    > was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun..
    >
    > Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
    > through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
    > way,
    > praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck
    > was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
    > inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my a@@ is
    > burning SO BAD, purging.
    >
    > One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
    > meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly
    > said,
    > 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly
    left.
    >
    > Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
    cart
    > intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached
    me
    > and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
    > minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The
    > manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which
    > ought to take care of the problem.'
    >
    > My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
    > me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
    cover
    > his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',
    > then ran off returning moments later with the manager.
    >
    > I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too
    kindly
    > not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was
    > nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
    >
    > The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that
    > because we are in court over the whole matter. ===They claim they're
    going
    > to have to repaint the store.
    >

[Roy Coates]

I split my sides and woke my wife rotflol

[EKnight]

OMG!!!!  I've lived that nightmare.  Too funny!!

Eileen

[firefly77]

PRICELESS!!!

[Linny]

Very funny!!!       

[Wendy]

I still can't stop laughing, mostly because we have all been there.  Great stuff!!

[judith collier]

This is one way to keep us humble. Judy