Silvia's testimony

[Silvia Martin]

First of all, thank you for all you're prayers. Roy told me to just start by telling my story.
This is going to be painful in more than one way. I CAN'T TYPE. O well, here it goes.
I was borne in Germany in 1970(yes Roy robbed the cradle).Both my parents were nurses in a mental hospital (it was very old and scary looking).We lived above the loonies in an attic apartment for several months after I was born. My mom told me, that I started crying every time they just approached the guardhouse. My first two words were s..t and help. By the time I was in elementary school I was put on antiangsiatydrugs, molested by my father, and my teachers thought I was mentally disturbed because I colored only in black. When my dad was "in the mood" he would sometimes ask for volunteers. I did it most of the time, because I could not bare him using my little sister (she is 4years
Younger).My mother hated me. She told me, she wished I was never borne. I think, it's because, my dad gave me the "love" instead of her. My dad also worked us hard. My sister used to have to show her hands to her teacher in school. He was our neighbor and saw the way he treated us. I always loved my parents though. I always tried to win my moms affection. I spent my allowance buying her flowers and gifts which she would throw at me when she got mad. She also threw me down the stairs twice, and then my guinea pig after me(we both survived). Even being so young ,I worried about everything. When my parents bought a new car, I was worried we wouldn't be able to pay the bills, or not have enough money for food. I couldn't watch the news. I was so afraid, that the Russians would come and hurt us. When I was waiting for my mom to come home from work in the evening, I would sometimes get this fear that she was not coming back. I would feel this indescribable sorrow, like somebody died. I would start crying inconsolably. Sometimes I would get so afraid of something I couldn't even identify I would start scratching my arms.
I always believed in God. I would go to church with one of my friends, even though I didn't quiet understand how he could be pleased with these prayers that somebody wrote and just get repeated without any feeling. When I was about seven, I asked God to be my daddy and love and care for me because my real mom and dad wouldn't. I would talk to him and tell him my troubles. When I was sad or afraid I would picture him holding and comforting me. As a teenager I was already having a lot of stomach problems. When I met an American soldier, who asked me to marry him, I said yes. I was 18 .He was not a good man. He was heavily into porn and I had to pay for affection with "favors" again. I had two beautiful children and when my youngest was about a month old, we were told, we would be transferred to America. I was devastated, because our marriage was bad. When I told him, that I didn't want to go, he only said: What are you going to do? Move in with your mom and be a leach? I couldn't do that, so I went with him to Colorado Springs. Within 3 months I was suicidal and put on antidepressants. That summer my mom and sisters visited and I was told later by my youngest sister, that he reached up her skirt. She was 13. Things only got worse that summer. He started hanging out in strip clubs, told me he was interviewing the girls. Then he suggested, I should become a stripper, because they make a lot of money. He almost had me convinced. That fall he sent me home to my mother in Germany, for her to straighten me out. I was only allowed to take one of the kids though. He knew, I wasn't going to come back, if I had both with me. He then called my mom and had her turned against me. She told me, that if I don't work this out with him, I couldn't come to her anymore. I completely lost it then. I needed to be with God. It was raining, as I ran blindly to the church. When I got there the doors were closed. I was in such despair, that on my way home, I was waiting for a car to come by, so I could throw myself in front of it. No car came. By the time I got home, my sisters had talked to my mom. She was on my side from then on .When I went to bed that evening  I asked God why he wasn't there when I needed him. He told me he wasn't in that church building, but with me all along.   I had to cut my visit short, because my boy, the one I had to leave behind, fell into total depression. There is no telling what his dad told him about me. He probably told him, I didn't love him, and wasn't coming back. I tried to save my marriage. I even poured my heart out to his mom. The only thing she had to say to that, was: he is just like his dad (he raped and beat her), and for better or worse, I had to stay with him. Due to the medicine I got brave enough to leave him. My next husband wasn't any better, he lied , cheated, stole and I found out later, touched my little girl. I should have been fed up with men by then, but I couldn't give up on finding my true mate. I joined a new church, which happened to be the same one Roy went to. I think Roy told you the entire story on how god brought us together. It was definitely like the fast and the furious. We didn't stand a chance. We are definitely two different type of people, and have joked about saying, that God must have a sense of humor, to have put us two together. We have been though so many trials that started right after we got married, that would have broken up seasoned couples. The one thing we wholeheartedly agree on is Ray's teachings. Matter of fact, when Roy first showed it to me, it was like:yup,that's what I've been looking for. I mean where would you draw the line with who would go to hell. I grew up catholic, and let me tell you, the nuns and priests were some of the meanest, cruelest, most miserable people. How could God favor these people over somebody who is truly a good person, but just doesn't by into all this church stuff. And how is it that another human being can tell you where you're going. The thing about not having free will was easy too. Come on if you can't even change one simple thing about yourself, no matter how much you "will" it, then you're obviously not free to do so. Any way, it's all coming together. I guess that's it for now.  This is the best I can do for now considering the state of mind I'm in right now. God is working on delivering me from a lifetime of fear, worry and anxiety. Roy told me two years ago: you better stop all that fretting, or God will take you down. How right he was. My whole nerves system is braking down. I have it all: sever panic attacks with extreme pain all over my body. Sometimes it feels like my whole body is literally on fire. God told me: this is my holy fire purifying you. Other times I have seizer like attacks. Believe me it is not a pretty sight. I'm getting better at praying my way through it. Roy has been great through all this. Sometimes when I get so exhausted, and discouraged, he picks me back up and tells me to cling to God with all my might. He says, you can't take a lifetime of this stuff out in a few weeks, and to hang in there, because when God is done with this, I will be so strong and at peace with my past. I hope I will be able to give you the conclusion to my testimony soon. I'm sure it will be awesome. Since Roy has been through the exact same thing (isn't God good, to provide me with a mate, who knows what I'm going through?), he reassures me, that God is doing a wonderful work in me. Thank you all, for letting me share my story. I know a lot of you precious people have been praying for me, for which I'm very grateful for, but please pray for my sweet husband also. This is very hard on him.                     
God bless,
Silvia

The rest of my testimony to be continued.

[Roy Coates]

Thanks for sharing, I know it can be hard. It is great to hear God's work in you and Roy. Peace and Grace to you in the name of Jesus.

[EKnight]

Silvia,

It's so disheartening to hear your story.  Stories like yours always put my smaller trials in perspective, they pale in comparison.

When you say that God gave you Roy who has been through the same things and can therefore understand what you are going through, it reminds me how and why Jesus understands our trials because He experienced his own.  It is always a comfort to be understood and empathized with.

I pray that your mental suffering passes quickly as it appears you have been through enough.  And I pray that God strengthens Roy so that he can continue to be a great source of encouragement regarding your relationship with our Lord.

May God bless and grace you both.

Eileen

[Stacey]

Since Roy has been through the exact same thing (isn't God good, to provide me with a mate, who knows what I'm going through?), he reassures me, that God is doing a wonderful work in me.

Yes, God is Good, ALL the time!  Thank you for sharing your testimony with us Silvia.

[Marlene]

Silvia, My heart goes out to you. So, glad God brought you and Roy here. I know, God has you in his loving arms and will take you through this fiery trial. I actually believe you are close to a break through and about to have these burdens lifted. Will keep you and Roy in my prayers. Love to both of you.

Marlene

[barrabus]

Sylvia,
  I was truely moved by your testimony... God has shown me on many occasions that He has the power to change the bad things that have happened in our lives into good things... one of the ways He does this is when we share these things with others they may not feel so alone or so ashamed... another way God turns the bad into good is it gives you a unique perspective , an ability to understand and help another who may be suffering some of the same abusive treatment... just reading your testimony has helped me... maybe the courage you have shown in sharing some of your past will help me to have the courage to face some of my past...
You and Roy are in my prayers...
    Charlie

[Silvia Martin]

I want to thank all of you, who have so kindly responded to my testimony. It's amazing what a few kind words can accomplish. And for barrabus, it has taken me a year, to get the courage, to post my testimony and to start communicating with you all on the forum.
God bless,
Silvia

[OBrenda]

Silvia,

As I was reading this I couldn't help admire your strength as my heart felt sick from what you have endured.  Even though I'm probably only about 10 years older than you, the mommy in me wanted to hold you and steal you away from all of that. Your writting was vivid, and if I may say you have a talent for it!
I look forward to reading more, and may God bless you & Roy with unspeakable Joy!

YSIY,
Brenda

[9440geoff]

Silvia,

Thank you for sharing your testimony. I thank God that He has brought you to this point and given you the strength and determination to win through.

Geoff

[Samson]

Sylvia,

          That was quite a story, looking forward to it's continuation. There were many occasions in your Testimony where your Life might have ended, but by the Grace of God, you are here. There are some similarities in your Testimony and my Wifes. I thought my childhood was bad, until I read your story and heard my wife's. Experiences like these and others can build a sense of empathy and compassion towards others who experience some of the same things.

          By the way, I guess I robbed the cradle too, like Roy, my Wife's 41 and I'm soon to be 53; . Of course, after the age of forty, it doesn't seem to matter too much.

                                 Kind Regards, Samson.

[Roy Martin]

Silvia say's I robbed the cradle. I prefer to think she saw handsome, wisdom and wit, and couldn't resit the temptation. Now she knows the young bucks can't hold up to this ole dog.

Peace
Roy

[Ninny]

Roy, cradle-robbin' ain't so bad!! Keeps you young, dude!!
Ha! 
Kathy